Wednesday, December 8, 2010

C'est la vie...

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing the coffee. I can't wait to have a fresh cup. I am in dire need of one. I just had some milk to quench my thirst, but it didn't wake me up. I did function without coffee and managed to write emails that were quite coherent, but I'm yawning still and definitely need the caffeine to get me started properly. 

I craved Nutella and had a couple of teaspoons of that straight from the jar. It is my energy boost and I figure the hazelnuts in it are good for me. It's my secret passion, though I can't have too much of it all at once. There is a limit to how much of it I can eat, but that is good. A little bit goes a long way and takes care of the craving. When I say teaspoon, I mean one of those little teaspoons that are used with china cups  and saucers and tea glasses. Not what Americans consider teaspoons to be. Those are dessert spoons in my book.  

Yesterday, my SPN and I started discussing my second marriage and that brought us back to the very beginning of it in California where I lived then and I had to tell about my situation then. I talked about that period in my life with a lot of nostalgia and love and quite extensively, but later when I was home, I wondered if in my head all this time, I had not romanticized this period of my life too much and forgotten all the gritty details.

You see, I'm sure I have, and that I've only told a little bit of the story and not the whole truth. I think I walk around for years with the romanticized version of my life in my head and have heartaches about it, but when it comes down to analyzing everything, it turns out not to hold up under close scrutiny and the truth comes to the surface. I have to face all the not so nice things about it and destroy the mythology that I've built up around it.

Luckily, I'm willing and able to do that. I'm not afraid to dismantle the myth if it helps me let go of the pain. If they are just fables I've been believing in, then I'm more than willing to stop believing in them. I can't live my life as if it is a movie set or as if I am a character in an exciting novel. I can't have my memories be stuck in that kind of a format. I'm stripped of any romanticism now. I have no illusions about my life. I only see the naked truth. There's not one poetic bone left in my body.

I'm seeing my SPN again next week and I'll deal with the rest of the story and tell the truth. It will be good to have it all come out. 

The ice in the streets and on the sidewalks is covered with a new layer of snow. It will snow some more today. I'm expecting my other personal helper at 8:30 this morning. I have to get dressed before that time and get the show on the road. I wish she wasn't coming quite this early, but we thought it was a good idea to get me started well in the morning. 

Have a good day, all of you.



Twain12 said...

i think we all tend to do that ,but it looks like you are working through it...i wish you a lot of success with it .
Have a good day and be careful walking. Are your Boots what you expected ?

Frances said...

interesting how delving into one thing brings up another. you are brave to do it.

Frances said...

mystery is solved. I have to use Firefox to comment on your blog. don't know why but there it is.

Maggie May said...

Sometimes we do idealise things, people and situations and in our minds make them much better than they really were. However, I am sure that it must have been good as well as bad. That seems to be the norm for most of us, anyway.
Slightly warmer here today but my little pond is still frozen over.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Bernie said...

I have known many who make someone in death much more than they were in life, it happens. Glad you are working through this.....big hugs:-)

Wisewebwoman said...

Hi my dear:
Missing a few days here with too much on the go.
You are truly brave, I learn a lot from you about mythology, I tend to do that (being a writer is part of it) but I need injections of reality too and only we ourselves can do that.