I'm sitting here early in the morning having my coffee and cigarettes as usual. I've written emails and read blogs and I'm wide awake. It's not nearly time to start the day yet and I'm glad for it, because I don't want the day to start. For all I care, the sun doesn't have to come up for another couple of hours and we delay the day completely. I much prefer sitting here in the dark by the light of my desk lamp indefinitely. There's no pressure on me as long as I sit here under those conditions.
I'm in a state of avoidance and yesterday I took the whole day off and didn't get out of my bathrobe. I hung out in front of the television and took a long nap. I didn't want to have to do anything that was the least bit complicated and to me everything seemed complicated, even putting away the clean laundry that is sitting in the chair in my bedroom.
I thought I could pretend to be ill again, but then I thought, why bother? I just wasn't able to participate in life. That's not so unusual in the weekends and especially not at this time of the year. I do better during the week because there are people here who motivate me to get dressed and do things, but in the weekends I'm a lost case. I imagine that if those people didn't come during the week, I'd be a lost case on those days as well.
I've especially not been able to write any posts for any of my blogs. I have made several attempts, but ended up deleting everything. I thought, who wants to read this drivel? All it was, was a huge cover up job to make myself look better than I was. To make my life look more interesting than it was. I thought that if I wrote down everything into the tiniest detail, it would look like something, but you can't pull the wool over people's eyes like that. They do catch on to the fact that you're filling up empty holes.
I've got to try and make something of today while my courage lasts. I have courage early in the morning in the dark before the day starts. When I'm not yet truly challenged. Before I fall into inertia and turn into the cowardly lion. The least thing I can do is admit that I'm hiding and avoiding things. Facing up to your own behavior is always the best thing.
And dealing with the guilt feelings that come with it.
Have a good day!