It must be possible to shut off your feelings so you don't have to be aware of your emotions and how you react to the events in your life. To be immune against your own inner turmoil and the words and deeds of other people. I'll leave it undetermined if I find myself in such a position now, but if not, I come very close to it. The fact that I'm writing this post casts some doubt on it because obviously I care enough to discuss it and I really shouldn't give a darn.
I'm attempting not to give a darn and to go about my day wrapped in a bubble of indifference. I'm succeeding to some extent because I notice that I care less about the little things, such as how I look and what people are going to think of me. Or how the apartment looks and what someone would say if they were to walk in right now. I don't give a hoot.
Of course, I try to care less about the bigger issues too and let them be water off a ducks back. I want to say to everybody, "I simply don't give a sh*t." That's how I feel and that's how I want to act. It's harder to act out your indifference if you're used to being a kind and polite person. It's tougher to be a tough cookie.
I didn't take the new sleeping pills along with the old ones last night. I just took the old ones and slept four hours. I wasted my time behind the computer and didn't write a blog post. I wasn't in the proper mood. At that time I still cared too much and I was angry about not being able to sleep. I spent the time being upset and bitter and accomplishing nothing.
Since then, I've had this change of attitude, after I first felt like I had been a victim in an accident and that I was in a state of shock. I realized that that was a subconscious attempt to protect my feelings and then this turned to indifference. Or at least the huge attempt at it. I'm a bit wobbly on it, but still this sentence keeps playing through my head and I want to say it to everybody, "I don't give a sh*t."
Of course, underneath it all there's a huge amount of anger. It doesn't take very much to get in touch with that. It's a seething, boiling vat. The only person it hurts is me. I don't achieve anything with it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There's nothing I can do about the sleeping pill situation. It's not in my hands, but it does change the relationship between my psychiatrist and me. There's an inevitable break in it now and I don't know if it can be repaired.
I'm tired. I think I need to take a nap. Much as I dislike taking naps.
Have a great day.