It's late at night and I'm sitting here with a big mug of coffee and a cigarette. I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can be and not worry about a thing. I don't actually have that much to worry about, but I just feel the general sort of tension that comes with being alive. My shoulders and back are tight and sore and I'm trying to relax them. I could use a good massage. Instead I have taken a painkiller and it should work shortly. It will probably also put me to sleep because it has codeine in it.
I've developed a cough and I think I have just a touch of bronchitis. No doubt that has to do with the time of year and the weather. It's been so cold and damp, although yesterday we had partial sunshine and will have again today. The humidity is high, though. When I was a child, I used to get bronchitis at this time of the year. I had some issues with allergies too, although I'm supposed to have outgrown those now. I still suspect those play a role, but I may be mistaken.
I've got empty and serene days ahead of me when nobody will come here and disturb my peace and quiet. I have no domestic help coming here on Friday. She has a day off because of carnival. This weekend carnival is celebrated and here, down South, it is a very big deal for a couple of days. It's something you have to experience at least once and I have. I don't participate in it anymore now, but it is fun to do. You do have to be able to consume large quantities of beer.
I'm glad because of the empty days because I'm still grumpy and I'm not feeling very sociable yet. I discussed this with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is fine. As long as it is not bothering me personally and I am happy withdrawing inside my own comfort zone, he is not worried. He thinks it's a defense mechanism. It's when you have a little bit of an overdose of the world and you need some time on your own to recuperate.
I'm going to take advantage of the days and spend them as relaxed as is possible. I will pretend I'm ill and treat myself in that manner. That means I'll spoil myself. I won't do it otherwise. I always have to pretend I'm ill in order to completely relax and enjoy the days off. I still have to do my chores and walk the dog, but it will be with a different attitude that I do them and with less pressure on myself. I won't feel like I will be performing duties.
I'm taking advantage of the nights too because I don't feel that I have to stick to a strict schedule. I'm enjoying these quiet hours in the darkness and feel pretty good. The painkiller is working and my back and shoulders feel a lot better. It's nice to be relieved of the pain and I can sit upright a lot easier now. I also don't feel the pressure that I have to be in bed by a certain time. I will go when I'm good and ready. The nights are always the times when I'm most relaxed and feel most at ease. I feel so protected by them.
Take advantage of your best hours.