Friday, February 18, 2011

The idle hours...

I'm spending the best hours of the night not asleep in my bed, but awake in my bathrobe and slippers, sat behind the computer in the living room with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. My new bottle of perfume was standing on the desk, so I've spritzed some on and now I smell delicious and the experience is extra special. I think I do owe it to myself to get the most out of it. I want all my senses to be aware, although what I'm most aware of is the silence and the darkness, but I do taste the very good coffee and the smoke of my cigarette as I inhale.

The night is my friend and the environment I feel most happy in for the couple of hours that I spend awake. It is the friendliest space to be in, although I am cut off from the night sky and the stars and whatever form the moon is in. The window shades are closed and I'm inside the cozy apartment by the light of a few lamps. I could go outside on the patio and observe the sky, but I'm not curious enough and unwilling to stand in the cold air. If I were a cave woman, I would know, but I've evolved into a modern city dweller who is out of touch with these things. 

My bathrobe and slippers keep me warm. I haven't yet turned up the thermostat. My bathrobe keeps getting bigger on me as I lose weight, but it's a very comfortable piece of clothing to wrap myself in. I need to remember to wash it every once in a while, but it's the only one I have and I'm loathe to do without it. Maybe it's a good idea to get another one for this coming spring. A more lightweight one that is a little easier to wear when the temperatures rise. I'm full of optimism, because the sky has been so blue, and the sun has been shining so brightly, that it's hard not to think that spring is on its way.

There's not one thing in my life that I would do differently than how I'm doing it right now. I'm perfectly contented. That sounds as if I have everything my heart desires, but it really means that I'm easily fulfilled. I've come to wish for one thing only and that is peace of mind and it is something I achieve with regularity. It seems that the less medicines I take, the more serenity I find and I wonder how much of my instability was chemically induced. I seem to be reaching the basic core of myself that's pretty solid and one I can depend on. That's a very self validating thing.

I've ordered a denim skirt on line that's two sizes smaller than the ones I have. It's going to be delivered this afternoon. I can't wait to try it on. I have lots of tops to wear with it, so that's no problem. It will be a good basic piece of clothing to own. I will order a few more skirts over time to replace the ones that are too big. That's the kind of shopping that's very satisfying. 

I wish you the best of days. 



Connie Rose said...

You sound absolutely wonderful -- I'm so glad. Hope it lasts. xox

Bernie said...

Glad you are feeling so well, but you do need your sleep sweetie. You should track how many hours sleep you are getting so that you can share it with your doctor. I only want you well, am worried about the manic stage. Sending big hugs.....:-)