Reclaiming my space...

I thought I would go to bed early, but it didn't work out. I laid there in the semi dark frustratingly awake, while I was willing myself to go to sleep. My head couldn't handle these two conflicting messages and became confused and then the dog started to bark. 

That's when I got up and turned on the computer. What else is there to do? I've also made a pot of coffee, of course. I will be up for a couple of hours.  I'm yawning and slightly sleepy headed, but in a very pleasant way. I'm mellow and good natured. My feet are slightly cold, but the rest of me is toasty warm in my bathrobe.

I have the heater turned off and the bedroom window open. I figure it's springtime now and that's how it should be, even at night. It took a while for me to get warm in my bed, especially my feet, but I was warm enough by the time I got up again. 

It was so early when I went to bed, that I heard the birds sing their evening song through the open window. It was a pleasure to listen to. There is one bird in particular that has quite a repertoire. I heard it last year too and in the morning, but was unable to identify it, even when I went to the site of European songbirds and listened to all the different songs. 

I did the dishes today and all the laundry, but unfortunately was unable to hang any of the laundry outside to dry because of the rain. I at least want to hang the sheets and pillow cases outside to dry because it such a pleasure to have them on my bed when I change it. I would change the bed even more often if the linens had been dried outside. 

The stack of dishes didn't turn out to be such a horrible job. I first soaked them in a sink with hot soapy water while I had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then I tackled them with a scrub sponge and got them sparkling clean. I rinsed them and let them air dry and then put them away when I was in the mood for it. I made it as easy on myself as I could.

I washed the blanket that is always on my bed and it is amazing what a difference it makes. The animals always sleep on it and after I have washed it, it always looks fresh and brightly colored again. I really do get some satisfaction for my efforts. I use a very ordinary washing powder that came out best in the tests and that the Exfactor gets for me especially at the store he shops at.

I walked the dog in the rain. It wasn't cold out and I decided that a little bit of water wasn't going to hurt us. It didn't come pouring down. We got a little damp and Tyke's fur got curlier. I wish I could say the same for my hair. It only got stiff from the hairspray in it. I didn't get any curls, much as I would like them. 

The  rain must have released all sorts of smells because Tyke took a long time sniffing in all sorts of spots and was very difficult to move along. He stuck his nose into the grass very deeply and inhaled and kept inhaling. I thought he was going to have dandelions and daisies stuck up his nose. 

Now will be a good time to sit in my armchair and read my book for a while until I get tired. I'm more than halfway through it and it's getting very interesting after we have gotten through all the preliminaries. The net is being tightened. The possible subjects are being lined up and there are many clues. I like the role Havers plays in all of this. She does good detective work. 

I hope you all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Optimism...

If I didn't get up in the middle of the night, I would never write a blog post. At least not in the frame of mind I am in now in the beginning of the springtime when the first buds are starting to show on the hedges and the trees and it's the season in which I start to rapid cycle. The nighttime is when I feel my most sane as opposed to during the day when things are much more tricky and I'm not capable of writing down a sensible word. I tried that yesterday and got absolutely nowhere. 

It's a good thing that I wake up in the middle of the night and sit here with a cup of coffee and feel so sane. At least I can gather my thoughts together and put down something that's worth reading when I'm not capable of that during the day. I haven't figured out yet why that is, but for me is not to know the reason why, I just accept it. It's probably some chemical process that I don't understand and that is the result of the combination of the medicines I take and the sleep I've had so far. Doubtlessly the silence of the night and the relative safeness of it help too. 

I knew this period of rapid cycling was coming up and I wasn't far off the mark when I told my psychiatrist that it would happen in March/April. It's maybe happening a little bit sooner because of the early onset of springtime, but it's mostly due to the increased hours of daylight and the amount of sunlight. As a result, I'm not that fond of very sunny days when the sun shines in a completely blue sky. I prefer gray and cloudy days with some rain. That's when I feel most happy. They seem to fit my disposition better. 

It's going to be sunny for the next couple of days, so I'm not too thrilled about that, although with my increased dose of medication I may do a lot better. It may not bother me as much. I may be less hyper alert and less sensitive. 

All this talk about my moods doesn't prevent me from writing about other things. I have been keeping track of the national and international news, although I have to say that I'm very sensitive to it now and that it bothers me very much to hear all the negative messages. I worry about what's happening politically in my own country and I worry about what's happening in Libya. On top of that Qaddafi's forces have taken hostage three Dutch soldiers that were trying to rescue a Dutch national and are pretending they were there for evil reasons. I worry about those three soldiers. 

I had to turn off the 8 o'clock newscast last night because I couldn't take anymore after having watched the news a lot during the day. I saw enough politicians' faces to last me a lifetime. Somehow they are going to twist and turn to get everything to go their way and it is not to the good of the people. I'm ready for the opposition to do a coup d'etat. As someone at the bottom of the economic ladder, I feel very insecure. This government is very unkind to the little people. It's a ruthless government and they are capable of anything. I hope it falls apart soon. 

I must think of something happier to write about. I can only think of the animals that bring such joy to my life. Tyke's fur is growing and he is getting some curls in it again. He is starting to look more like his old self. I think he is generally less cold too. When he is asleep, I whisper very quietly, "He is such a good dog," and he perks up his head and starts wagging his tail. He is never so sound asleep that he doesn't hear that.

I've switched Gandhi's food from the store brand kibbles to Gourmet and she likes it very much and seems to barf less often. She's also less interested in eating Tyke's food, so something must have been missing in the old kibbles. 

Today is Friday, but I have no idea what sort of a day it is going to be. It all depends on how well my medicines will work. The domestic help is not coming. I have to do some chores and with a little bit of luck I'll get around to them. 

Have a good day everyone. 

Ciao,

Nora

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

The idle hours...

I'm spending the best hours of the night not asleep in my bed, but awake in my bathrobe and slippers, sat behind the computer in the living room with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. My new bottle of perfume was standing on the desk, so I've spritzed some on and now I smell delicious and the experience is extra special. I think I do owe it to myself to get the most out of it. I want all my senses to be aware, although what I'm most aware of is the silence and the darkness, but I do taste the very good coffee and the smoke of my cigarette as I inhale.

The night is my friend and the environment I feel most happy in for the couple of hours that I spend awake. It is the friendliest space to be in, although I am cut off from the night sky and the stars and whatever form the moon is in. The window shades are closed and I'm inside the cozy apartment by the light of a few lamps. I could go outside on the patio and observe the sky, but I'm not curious enough and unwilling to stand in the cold air. If I were a cave woman, I would know, but I've evolved into a modern city dweller who is out of touch with these things. 

My bathrobe and slippers keep me warm. I haven't yet turned up the thermostat. My bathrobe keeps getting bigger on me as I lose weight, but it's a very comfortable piece of clothing to wrap myself in. I need to remember to wash it every once in a while, but it's the only one I have and I'm loathe to do without it. Maybe it's a good idea to get another one for this coming spring. A more lightweight one that is a little easier to wear when the temperatures rise. I'm full of optimism, because the sky has been so blue, and the sun has been shining so brightly, that it's hard not to think that spring is on its way.

There's not one thing in my life that I would do differently than how I'm doing it right now. I'm perfectly contented. That sounds as if I have everything my heart desires, but it really means that I'm easily fulfilled. I've come to wish for one thing only and that is peace of mind and it is something I achieve with regularity. It seems that the less medicines I take, the more serenity I find and I wonder how much of my instability was chemically induced. I seem to be reaching the basic core of myself that's pretty solid and one I can depend on. That's a very self validating thing.

I've ordered a denim skirt on line that's two sizes smaller than the ones I have. It's going to be delivered this afternoon. I can't wait to try it on. I have lots of tops to wear with it, so that's no problem. It will be a good basic piece of clothing to own. I will order a few more skirts over time to replace the ones that are too big. That's the kind of shopping that's very satisfying. 

I wish you the best of days. 

Ciao,

Nora

Just make another pot of coffee...

I've just walked Tyke and the weather isn't nearly as lovely as it has been for the past couple of days. We had lots of sunshine, but now the sky is overcast and gray and they say it's going to rain this afternoon. It's chillier outside too and my short leather jacket was really not that warm to wear, but I refuse to put on my thick winter coat. I'm going to be the eternal optimist and pretend that springtime is coming. 

I want to put that winter coat away for the season and not wear it again. If I stubbornly wear my leather jacket, it's bound to get nicer outside just because I want it to be. I can always put on my thick warm scarf and be protected that way. I want to fool Mother Nature into thinking that she doesn't need to set free any more frost and cold wind on us. A little bit of rain is alright, that doesn't bother me. 

It's funny how quickly you get used to warm sunshine and daisies in the grass. You feel that this ought to be the weather from now on. It's very upsetting when the temperatures dip down again and the cold wind starts to blow. Well, it's relatively cold. It's uncomfortable anyway compared to what you had just got used to. 

I was feeling grumpy earlier this morning and I'm not sure if I completely got over it. I've decided not to worry about and to pay it as little mind as I can. I'm not going to do anything to give reason to let it come to the surface. I'm going to lie low. I will treat it with coffee and cigarettes and vanilla pudding. Those are the best things I can think of. I will only do pleasant things and I will decide what those are. They may include a chore or two. I'm not completely irresponsible.

I'm yawning even though I got enough sleep. I hope I don't have to take a nap on the sofa. Not that I'd mind that all that much. It is nice and warm in here and I can put the yellow fleece blanket over me. I really wanted to watch the news and read my book for a while before I did anything else. It's well written and worth the effort, because it is an effort for me to read a book. I don't do it as easily as I used to. I really have to plan it into my day. 

I'm going to proceed with the rest of the day. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied and entertained. Tyke and Gandhi need some attention and I need to fold the dry laundry.

I hope you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora