Monday, February 21, 2011

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.



Wisewebwoman said...

I think you should write those moments down. I know I do. It is like an alternative script to my life. I don't have to take this road but I like to reflect on it and it often triggers other creative thoughts.
it is like the full solution to the world and its ills.
Yes, days are longer, we are too full of snow to think of spring but I sense it.

Gail said...

Things have leveled that is good, now you are aware, it will be better dealt with.

Sweet dreams and may tomorrow be better.