In which I turn into a pumpkin...

Here I am sitting in my bathrobe with my new glasses on, being able to see and read everything. Things are a revelation to me. I never knew what it was like to see so well up close and far away. 

That doesn't mean I'm not about to topple out of this chair from sleepiness, the coffee not withstanding. I'm forcing myself to be awake just so I get to wear my glasses and try them out. It's such a shame to put them away in their case for the night.

No doubt I will get used to this novelty and soon I will be going to sleep again like regular people. In the meantime, I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling very mellow. I will probably fall asleep in this chair behind the computer. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. A little nap wouldn't hurt. 

The caffeine is resuscitating me a little bit and I'm not in as bad a shape as when I turned the computer on. I was near comatose then. I could hardly lift an arm. The coffee barely made it to my lips, but I'm working on my second cup now. I'm finding some strength in it. 

This is all due to the fact that I had a fairly busy day by my standards and that I hardly slept the night before it. Going downtown by myself to pick up my glasses was kind of a big deal, although I seemed to do it effortlessly. I did worry about it beforehand and no doubt that is why I slept so badly. 

Seemingly little things like that can still bother me a lot. But I'm brave in spite of myself when the stakes are high enough. 

I haven't turned into a pumpkin yet and I doubt very much that I'm going to now. The magic hour has passed without it happening. I'm still just an ordinary mortal with a sleep filled mind, but I think I will be up for a while yet. I'm not ready to go to bed. 

It seems like a very boring place to be right now. I must be getting my second wind. Doubtlessly, the coffee is beginning to do its work.

I must find some entertaining ways in which to amuse myself. I think there are some blogs that I have to comment on. I'm awake enough now to be able to do that. I do have the benefit that in the morning it will be Saturday and a day on which I can do what I choose to do. 

Ciao,

Nora

On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

It´s me again...

Although I´ve just written a post, I don´t feel any urge to go to bed yet. As a matter of fact, I feel quite mellow and am enjoying the late hour of the night when I have no more obligations. I´ve just walked Tyke and am sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I think that all is well with the world. I feel like I´ve taken a wellness drug that´s made me feel very good and that has emptied my head of bad thoughts and bad vibrations. Not that I had that many there to begin with, but now I don´t have any. I´m completely at ease.

I´m drinking a glass of cold milk and am enjoying a cigarette, The cold milk is very good, as I´ve been very thirsty lately and can´t seem to get enough to drink. I´m all done drinking coffee, of course, and have to drink milk and lemonade now, which are no great hardships, they just don´t alter my mood the way coffee does. The milk makes me feel cold all over and I feel like turning on the heater, though it isn´t really that cold inside here. I really should have a cup of hot chocolate, but I´m afraid I´m all out of that and haven´t thought to replace it. That should go on the next shopping list. It isn´t that much of a luxury. Despite my skimping on the grocery list, I do want to have something nice in the cupboards that will give me some joy. There´s always a fine line between being frugal and being kind to yourself and I walk that line all the time. 

It´s a very peaceful and quiet time of the night. I know I can sleep late in the morning and if I use a bit of willpower, I will most likely sleep through the night. It is my intention anyway. I will just be very hungover when I get up in the morning and need several cups of coffee to get to my senses. That´s the drawback of sleeping late. I´ll sit in my armchair and try to put my head in order and organize my thoughts for the day, but the coffee will work quickly and I will be alright after about half an hour. It´s like the rebirth of a human being. My dog doesn´t seem to have that problem. Of course, he´s not burdened by many thoughts and responsibilities. He doesn´t have the human capacity to worry. 

I don´t have the capacity to worry late at night, that´s why I enjoy this time so much. I´m in a zone of no concerns. Nothing can touch me now and I am perfectly safe. I feel that I am out of harm´s way and that whatever awaits me during the day is many hours away and not even within easy reach. There´s a real buffer between now and then. A whole night´s sleep and many dark hours in which nothing will happen, even if I were to wake up in the middle of the night. I can postpone the start of the day as long as possible, because as long as I sleep, there´s no tomorrow. It doesn´t start until I wake up in the morning.

Nothing really horrible awaits me tomorrow. I give the impression that something really bad is going to happen. It will just be an ordinary Friday with the domestic help coming and me having to go to the tobacconist. I have to make some copies of some important papers and I have to do that at the grocery store, but that´s the most complicated thing I have to do, and really, how hard is that in a lifetime? I´ve done more difficult things than that. I mustn´t act like anything out of the ordinary is a complication. I´m not handicapped or otherwise challenged, after all. I´m a capable human being and I have to stop thinking of myself as someone who is less able and more vulnerable. 

I suppose somewhere along the line you have to embrace your individualism and except the fact that you don´t have to always be a conformist. As a matter of fact, that it is a thing that is not at all desirable. When it has been your training and ambition to always belong to a group and to fit in, it is difficult to give up that ambition and to strike out on your own with your own well thought out ideas and conclusions about life and the main social and political issues. Some people come to this point quicker than others and I admire them for it. Some people do life ass backwards and conform before they rebel. Early in life they have a desire to belong to the highest possible status quo they can attain and only later on do they realize the emptiness of it and the false promises. They live lives of quiet desperation and escape when the dream falls apart. It was only a big soap bubble that had alluring colors, but burst when the conditions weren´t optimal. Being non conformist gives a much healthier state of mind and allows you much more freedom and exposure to real life. You´re not in a straight jacket any longer. 

Well, I do get philosophical late at night, don´t I? It´s a case of random thoughts connecting in my mind. It all makes sense to me. I´m very brave late at night and can say heroic things. It´s during the daytime that I have to put them to the test. That´s when my bravery will be put under scrutiny. My deeds are small then and my victories little, but they amount to a lot for me. I will get braver as I grow bolder. It will grow with my sense of security and my believe in myself. I have to be damned stubborn and pretend that I´ve got that. If I were a man I would say that I have to act like I´ve got balls.

It´s time to go to bed. I do have to get some sleep. Cozy as it is to sit here and exchange thoughts with you, though I´m not knowing yours really. No doubt I´ll read them later. It´s been a rambling post and one I needed to write. Sometimes I need to get all these loose thoughts out of my head. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora