Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

Fooling my brain....

I'm up again during the night and taking advantage of the fact that I feel as good as I do. I've had two cups of coffee that have helped me straighten out my brain and helped me think straight and I will switch to a nice glass of cold milk next. I'm in as much anticipation of that as a kid is of an ice cream cone. That's how much I like cold milk. The fact that it's nutritious is an added extra, although I would not drink it if it were just empty calories.

Yesterday, I dealt with my ever increasing stress by taking 20 mg Temazepam at regular intervals and it calmed me down very well. It really took the edge off and made me not suffer from my own nerves so much. I'm planning on doing that again today the moment the stress starts to hit again. It's such a relief to feel it almost completely disappear and to be able to sit in silence and tranquility. And most importantly, to be able to walk the dog with a peaceful heart, as that had become an almost unbearable chore. 

I'm to the point now that I will do whatever I can to get peace of mind as the stress is something I find I can not cope with. It eats me up. If I were a candidate for ulcers, I would have a couple of them now. It causes a tremendous amount of anxiety that I can not live with and that makes me neurotic in all areas of my life. It influences my thought processes and forces me to make the wrong decisions.

At any rate, I'm sitting here now feeling fairly normal and I'm making myself some more coffee to fight off the feelings of sleep. It is Sunday today and there is time enough to go to bed. I don't quite want the night to end yet. I want to enjoy it as long as possible because it's the longest stretch that I feel good without taking any medication. 

I made the coffee strong and it tastes very good. It is almost as good as having  an espresso. It puts hair on your chest, whether you want it or not. It's pure indulgence and to get the most effect out of a cup. I'll have to drink it as quickly as I can while it is still fresh in the can. That's when it tastes best. There's nothing worse than overheated coffee. I'm already working on my second cup, granted that my cup is not a mug by any standard. It's got my name on it so I know who I am. That could be confusing so early in the morning. 

I wish I had the kind of courage I have at night during the day. Life would be so much simpler. 

It's going to be another warm summer day in April today without any rain, although we need it badly. Next week the weather is going to change completely and we will have lower temperatures and rain, which will be more normal for the time of year. It will mean dressing in layers again. I'm more than willing to do this because walking around skimpily dressed is not something I'm all that comfortable with. I'm not all that happy when it's too warm. I like moderate temperatures, I don't mind when it's not all that hot. 

The farmers need the rain for their crops and nature needs the rain too as there are now fire danger zones. The traditional Easter Bonfires have to be canceled because there's to much danger of a wildfire breaking out. They are a tradition that goes back thousands of years, so it's a big deal when they are canceled.

I'm not having any chocolate for Easter, not even one tiny little milk chocolate egg. It's for the best because I don't need the calories and if faced with a whole basket of them, I would feel compelled to eat every one of them. I know no measure when it comes to chocolate. It's best when I don't have any around. To me it's just another weekend with an extra day off on Monday which we call Second Easter Day. It's an extra long weekend, that's nice. 

I will mess around with my blog templates next. I'm not quite happy with what I've got now and I have time to do something about them now. I'm full of caffeine, after all. 

I hope you will all have a good Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora