In which I turn into a pumpkin...

Here I am sitting in my bathrobe with my new glasses on, being able to see and read everything. Things are a revelation to me. I never knew what it was like to see so well up close and far away. 

That doesn't mean I'm not about to topple out of this chair from sleepiness, the coffee not withstanding. I'm forcing myself to be awake just so I get to wear my glasses and try them out. It's such a shame to put them away in their case for the night.

No doubt I will get used to this novelty and soon I will be going to sleep again like regular people. In the meantime, I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling very mellow. I will probably fall asleep in this chair behind the computer. I've done it in the past and I can do it again. A little nap wouldn't hurt. 

The caffeine is resuscitating me a little bit and I'm not in as bad a shape as when I turned the computer on. I was near comatose then. I could hardly lift an arm. The coffee barely made it to my lips, but I'm working on my second cup now. I'm finding some strength in it. 

This is all due to the fact that I had a fairly busy day by my standards and that I hardly slept the night before it. Going downtown by myself to pick up my glasses was kind of a big deal, although I seemed to do it effortlessly. I did worry about it beforehand and no doubt that is why I slept so badly. 

Seemingly little things like that can still bother me a lot. But I'm brave in spite of myself when the stakes are high enough. 

I haven't turned into a pumpkin yet and I doubt very much that I'm going to now. The magic hour has passed without it happening. I'm still just an ordinary mortal with a sleep filled mind, but I think I will be up for a while yet. I'm not ready to go to bed. 

It seems like a very boring place to be right now. I must be getting my second wind. Doubtlessly, the coffee is beginning to do its work.

I must find some entertaining ways in which to amuse myself. I think there are some blogs that I have to comment on. I'm awake enough now to be able to do that. I do have the benefit that in the morning it will be Saturday and a day on which I can do what I choose to do. 

Ciao,

Nora

Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

It's good to be back.

It had been my intention to go to bed tonight just like ordinary people do at some point, but for whatever reason. it didn't work out that way and I find myself wide awake behind the computer doing all sorts of interesting things. At least, I find them interesting and they have been a source of entertainment to me this past hour or so.

Of course, I have been up much longer than that, but I have been able to fill my time with enough useful things because I have felt no desire to go to bed. It is absolutely cozy here by the light of the desk lamp and in the quiet of the night with only the company of the animals.

I know that sooner or later I will have to go to bed, but I think I can postpone it for a while longer. I'm most definitely not yawning or in any other way showing signs of sleepiness. As soon as I do, I will make the right decision and find my spot under the duvet where I will no doubt sleep like a log.

Every once in a while I have a night like this when I don't have the desire to go to sleep. It's too exciting to be up in the middle of the night and to keep going until the early morning. It's usually when the dawn is about to come that I am ready to go to bed after such a very long night. I didn't sleep last night either. I never was able to get to sleep. I laid in bed uselessly until I gave up and got up again.

I blame it on the fact that for some reason there was no good thriller on TV last night.  This was contrary to my expectations and upset my schedule. I found myself having to go to bed too early while I was not really ready to. There was nothing on TV that I wanted to watch, but it turned out that there was nothing on the radio I wanted to listen to either. So I laid in bed pretty bored.

I can always think of a sure way to entertain myself and that's behind the computer. I'm rarely bored if I'm occupied that way. There's always an email to answer or a blog post to comment on. I get around to the ones that I didn't have time for before. I reread blog posts with more attention and take my time commenting.

I'm taking my sweet old time to finish this post because I'm dawdling a lot. My mind keeps wandering off to other things. It wants to be occupied with subjects that don't matter right now. You could say that I'm easily distracted. Maybe I'm getting tired. That would not be a bad thing.

I do have a bit of a backache but that's from sitting slumped in my armchair. It is too comfortable for me and I always end up in the wrong position and have to very carefully extract myself from it at the end of the evening without putting myself through a lot of pain. Once I'm up, I'm okay again.

I think I will look at my templates and see if I'm happy with them. I may have to play around with them a bit.

Have a good morning when you get up. I will be asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

A repeat performance...

It's in the middle of the night of Thursday going on Friday. Actually, it's officially Friday already, so I will stick to that. It's a much more optimistic point of view. The fact is that I like it being Friday instead of Thursday because it's almost the weekend. I will do a few chores in the morning before the domestic help gets here and then I will be home free. And then, ha ha (laughing wickedly), I will have the weekend all to myself to do with as I please. 

No doubt I'll fill it with all sorts of interesting things to do such as take naps and watch TV and walk the dog and sit and meditate in my armchair. That is if everything goes well. If I can sustain the mood I'm in. That's the crucial ingredient. I must be well tempered. That means keeping my mood as balanced as I can get.

At least I can treat myself to a pleasant night sat behind the computer with a nice cup of coffee. That's one way to get into a good mood. Nobody can take that away from me. I will have the agreeable experience of it and I'm enjoying that a lot. 

There's no real reason why I should enjoy it this night more than others, because I do enjoy them regularly anyway. Except last night when I was in a minor mood and nothing came of writing a post, but there have to be exceptions to the rule.

There's no need to over analyze this. Everybody has their ups and downs and I'm no different. Some nights you are full of goodwill and some nights you had better go back to bed, even if it means having a somewhat sleepless night until the morning when you properly fall asleep. 

It's with some amount of contentment that I sit here now and write down whatever enters my head, although I do try to make rhyme and reason of it. I don't want to sound completely like a ship set adrift. I do want to make some sense. 

No doubt the coffee is keeping me on the straight and narrow. It does have the tendency to keep my mind focused. At least it prevents me from drifting away from the subject at hand too much. 

But what was the subject at hand? It seems to me that I had not quite chosen one. I think I was just rambling on in a general sort of way and was not really focused on anything in specific. Maybe it's impossible for me to do that right now. There's nothing really pressing on my mind.

All I know is that I have to do the dishes this morning and do a load of laundry and dry it outside on the clothes lines. That will give me a good reason to change the bed again tonight and I can't do that often enough for my taste. The weather is going to be beautiful today and there will be no excuse not to hang the laundry outside. It should be dry in no time because it will be most pleasant out there.

Those are the calls of duty which I'm at liberty to ignore right now because it's not the right time to give heed to them. I've got some sleeping left to do first. It's with some reluctance that I'm going to go back to bed because I'm not nearly ready to. 

It's too bad that reality always creeps into your middle of the night musings. It's that sense of responsibility that calls you back to order. It's too bad that it's so exaggerated. I wish I had a little less of it. 

If you're still up, I hope you're having a good evening. If you're asleep, I hope you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Catch up...

I had told myself that I couldn't spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn't counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 

I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I've eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It's very irritating and doesn't stop until I've gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 

It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don't mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can't during the day, or so I've told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.

I find that I'm much more relaxed during the day if I'm not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It's much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I'm not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That's my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn't need to be explained into the minutest detail.

I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that's something I'm going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It's worth the missing hours of sleep, which I'll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It's okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don't make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don't want them to think I have forsaken them. 

So, without much further ado, that's what I'll go do now. I hope you're all sound asleep or if not, that you're having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you're in. 

Ciao,

Nora

What a life...

The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.

It's terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don't even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can't go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 

I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there's nobody else around to do it. It's a one woman operation, although I guess when you're surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they're not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.

Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.

I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don't you wish you could pick your scenery? 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Reading is a nice hobby too...

I'm sitting here very early in the morning with my second cup of coffee, but I'm really so thirsty that I'm looking forward to a glass of cold milk. I'm going to have that as soon as I finish the coffee. Like I said yesterday, coffee isn't doing so much for me anymore, so the joy of it is gone and I don't need it so much anymore to wake up with. I'm very much awake on my own when I get up out of bed. That's a much better state of affairs, of course, and I'm not complaining. It is good to be clearheaded when I wake up and to not sit here half comatose. 

Yesterday morning, after I had written my post here, I didn't go back to bed, but sat down in my armchair and finished reading 'The Girls' Guide To Hunting and Fishing.' It was thoroughly enjoyable and I finished it in one fell swoop. It was such a different book than I had anticipated. It was actually a very mature look at a woman's experience with the various men in her life before she possibly found the one that was the one that was her soul mate. I say possibly, because that's left uncertain. We assume so. 

The book is not without humor and lots of insights into a woman's way of thinking about love and longing, all the feelings we share as women and that we spend a lot of our time doing, especially when we are younger and looking for our potential partner. When we are in our prime.

After I finished reading it, I started reading 'Vinegar Hill' by A. Mansette Ansay which is a book that takes place in the early 1970's and that is a dark and somewhat disturbing novel. The men in it are especially disturbed, although a lot of the characters are and the only really sane one in it seems to be the wife who is trapped in her role before women's liberation has really made itself known to her. There but for the grace of god went many of us, except that we weren't married to very odd husbands, or so we may have assumed. Those husbands of that generation may have actually all had a screw loose. 

I'm almost done with it and am already looking forward to the next novel. I spent a lot of time reading yesterday and not having the computer or the television on. I think it's better that way. It's better to lose yourself in a book and to use your imagination and picture the scenes and the characters. It's also better not to be constantly exposed to the latest news like I was. I get enough of that watching the 8 o'clock news and listening to the radio at night when I go to bed.If I can keep this habit up of reading like I used to, I won't be watching television all the time.

I don't want to be hooked on the computer. I have the habit of turning it on several times a day when I get bored and I can't think of a better thing to do. It's really ridiculous because I expect something magic to happen when obviously there is not. Turning it on once a day (or at night) is more than enough. Nothing bad will happen if I don't check my emails more often. I'm weaning myself of the habit to want to turn it on more often and really, when you're caught up in a good book, you have no desire to. 

I have several novels that I've read before in a long ago past that I'm planning on reading again. It's been long enough since I read them that I've forgotten enough about them so that they will be like new again. 'The Joy Luck Club' is one of them. 'The Accidental Tourist' is another. First I have to read the novels that I've never read and I have enough of them. I have a bunch by Edna O'Brien that I never got around to reading. They are in small print and I had no reading glasses when I acquired them. I have novels that were on Oprah Winfrey's recommended books of reading and she does do that very well. Most of those books are worth reading. If you need exposure to English language literature, it's a good source. 

I've increased my anti-psychotics by one more milligram and now feel very comfortable. I feel normal again and not so haunted and stressed. I had a fairly normal day yesterday, although that may also have been because I spent my day differently. I have to take care to build in as many soothing moments as possible and to keep the stress to a minimum. The weather co-operated and it was a gray and overcast day which suited my mood. I like those kinds of days better right now. I don't like glaring sunlight in a blue sky. Not right now anyway. 

I'm going to take my medicines and sit down in my armchair and finish that book. Then comes the joy of picking out another one. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday again...

Having gone to bed early last night, I'm up early this morning too and drinking coffee and having myself a splendid time. I can't get enough of the early morning hours when everything is so peaceable and serene and I am the only person awake on the block. At least I assume I am. I thought I heard some noise in the stairwell earlier, but all is quiet now. No doubt that was a neighbor coming home from a late night out. The bars don't close until the wee hours of the morning and there are those stubborn enough to take advantage of that. 

I slept well between clean sheets with both the animals on the bed. This does not leave that much room for me, but I manage. I do wake up with a sore knee, but I would regardless. It always takes me a while to get over it after I've gotten up and it takes some time to get comfortable. I think Tyke lies in waiting for me to open my eyes, because he is always looking at me when I do and ready to be greeted. Gandhi is tucked in beside my pillows and looks like a little ball of fur.She doesn't get up when we do, but keeps right on sleeping. 

The first thing I do when I walk into the living room is turn on the computer and then walk into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I try to measure the ground coffee properly into the filter so that I don't make it too strong and I succeeded today. It is just right and I was not too generous like I have a tendency to be. I very often over optimistically put in too much ground coffee and make it much too strong taking away from the good flavor of it. Strong coffee does wake me up, but it makes me thirsty too, causing me to have to drink cold milk for the quenching of it. 

When I first wake up, I always have visions of many good things to eat, but those disappear into the background once I've had my first cup of coffee. I could raid the cupboards when I first get up. I want to eat all sorts of decadent things, but I don't have those in the apartment anyway. Imagine if I had a box of cookies or bonbons. No doubt I would be tempted to eat those. I would be tempted to stuff my mouth with them before I had time to properly think about it. I do have a jar of Nutella and in a weak moment I have spoons full of that. Little teaspoons full. It's one of my deadly sins.

Since today is Saturday, it's going to be a day of freedom. I will walk Tyke several times and hang up a load of laundry, but I don't have much else to do. There are no 'ought to's' in my life today. There will be sports on television and then some inane programs that are not worth watching. Luckily there is an off button. The best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, which I have not taken the time to do and today would be the perfect opportunity. My armchair is a good place to hang out in. I will also take the necessary naps on the sofa and contemplate my navel. 

It's going to rain today and that will be a perfect opportunity to hibernate. I will have the lights turned on in the living room and be cozy. I do like the rain when I'm inside. There something very soothing about the rain when you're not in it. Besides, even if I were in it, it wouldn't hurt me very much, because I have indestructible hair. If it got wet, all I'd have to do is rub it quickly with a towel and it would be in shape again. It's not going to be very cold and we're in for some mild weather. I think winter is really over now.

Enjoying my own company is what it's going to be all about this weekend. Luckily, I'm in a good enough mood to do that. I don't feel any of the discomfort that I felt last week when I was not so stable. I've managed to get on an even keel since then. I'm okay again by myself.

I will go back to bed again shortly. There's lots of time to sleep still. I don't have to get the day started early. I can sleep late and my warm bed does call me. I've started to yawn and that is a sure sign that I need some more sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Don't listen to the blues...

I'm unable to sleep, though I slept for two hours, but that's not very much in the scheme of things. I knew ahead of time that I wasn't going to be very successful when I went to bed last night. I wasn't tired enough and the only thing that put me to sleep was my 'falling asleep' pill. When it stopped working, I was wide awake again. There was nothing for me to do but to get up and install myself behind the computer and try again later. I really need a 'sleep through the night' pill, but I'm afraid I would get hooked on it and that would mean another medicine to wean myself off. Besides, I'm sure it would leave me very groggy in the mornings and that's not what I want to be.

I'll have to find ways to amuse myself while I'm up, though I think finding blog templates is not one of them. I think I've changed those often enough and I've changed the names of my blogs often enough too. I'll have to think of something else to do. I can't imagine yet what that will be and that leaves me feeling somewhat desperate. I'll have to pretend that I have a plan to proceed with.

I could sit in my armchair and read my newly started novel, but sitting behind the computer is ever so much more exciting. Things move at a speed that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a 21st century person. Reading a book seems boring in comparison. It seems like such a passive activity. There's not much activity, except for turning the pages. Oh, and using your imagination, of course.

Being up does give me the opportunity to take an Omega 3 capsule which I didn't take enough of yesterday. I'm fine with the vitamin pill, but I sometimes forget the Omega 3. I'm sure it doesn't matter when I take them, as long as I do. I want to say that I feel better since I started taking the vitamin pills, but I'm sure it's all in my imagination. I don't think I can feel an effect after just a few days. I wish there was a 'healthy brain' pill. If there is, I'm unaware of it. I'm sure you'll point it out to me if you know of one. 

I have to share my space today with the personal helper and the domestic help, both of whom I have mixed feelings about losing my privacy to. I have so enjoyed being on my own these past two days and have not been bored at all. It will be nice to get the apartment cleaned, but it isn't very dirty at all. It hasn't had the chance to become so. My personal helper will have to be entertained and I will send her away early if that turns out to be too much of a chore, unless she can be of some service to me. I have no jobs to do with her. We can walk Tyke together, though I can easily do that on my own. 

I will answer my emails and then go back to bed and try and fall asleep. I am starting to yawn now. 

I hope you're all sleeping tight and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

At the end of the day...

Somehow I manage not to go to bed too early, though lately I am ready to go at 7:30 pm. I do force myself to stay up, though, and watch television, no matter how silly the program and how little I really care. In between the serious programs that I do care about, like the news, I play with Tyke and cuddle him, while I also pay attention to the consumer programs and the missing persons programs and the really dumb game shows. A person does have to figure out a way to get through the evening in one piece while entertaining her dog. 

After a while Tyke's had enough and goes to sleep and I've watched enough television and shut if off and put on my pajamas. I turn on the computer for a little while to postpone going to bed until it is really the proper time to go and read blogs and comment on them. I realize how precarious life is and how I'm just a silly game show and one silly little dog away from going stark raving mad. 

Then  I pull myself through that moment and get my act together again and am a tough broad and realize I'm lucky for all the support I get to help me not go under like a sinking ship and I get courage again. I know that in a little while I will lie under my comfortable duvet and listen to the radio, while I slowly drift off to sleep and all will be forgotten. I will wake up in the morning with the same eagerness with which I wake up every morning and go about my business as usual. 

I had to take my earrings out tonight because I had a little bit of irritation. I put some ointment on my earlobes and will reapply it before I go to bed. I hope that takes care of it and that I will be able to put the earrings in again in the morning. I've gotten so used to wearing them now that I will feel naked without them, at least not completely dressed. I do like wearing them a lot and I've put an antique saucer on my bookcase in my bedroom to put them all on, so as to not lose track of them. 

I've got 3 pairs on hangers now and 4 pairs that are studs. I prefer wearing the studs as the hangers get caught in my scarves and pull on my earlobes. I don't want to do without my scarves, as I feel naked without them too. It is my trademark to wear scarves. All my necklaces are hanging on their hooks uselessly because I hardly ever wear them anymore, but maybe will again in the summertime. 

I'm not into necklaces right now, but you do go through phases like that when you like some accessories more than the others. I have periods that I'm really into my purses and change them all the time, but right now I just stick with the same one that's the most practical. I also used to like wearing rings and now I don't at all, though I saved all of them, of course, and there may come a day when I may want to wear them again. I also like bracelets, but not all the time, though I have quite a few of them. Right now I only like to wear my watch. 

I don't like much of anything at my wrists and I'm constantly pushing up the sleeves of whatever I wear, making my underarms bare. I feel I have more freedom then. I do pull them down again when I have to go outside and put my jacket on because I don't want to get cold. It's always pleasant enough inside, though, even though I only have the thermometer set at 19.5 Celsius. 

For some reason, it doesn't get cold in here and it is always at least 20C in here. I do have all the windows closed, so much cold air doesn't get in. I don't want to use much gas over the winter, so I want to use the heater frugally. I'll keep it set at the temperature it is now and see if that will suffice.

I have energy sufficient light bulbs in all the lamps now and try to keep as few burning as I can without letting it be dark and somber in here. I turn off unnecessary lights, without being neurotic about it. I don't want to live in a cave. I'm trying to leave a small carbon footprint, but it is economics that motivates me. I think in the end that's what's going to motivate everybody. Make things expensive and rare enough and everybody will do their best to live frugally. 

I think it's late enough to go to bed now. I'm looking forward to it. I'm all set to go and it will only take me a minute to get in it. I just have to take my medicines and brush my teeth. I will be in the land of comfort in no time.

Have a good night!

Ciao,
Nora

Moving around endlessly...

After not having slept all night, I did manage to sleep for a few hours on the sofa this afternoon, because I was running out of steam and my body had to catch up with my mind that was working overtime. I didn't want to go to sleep and I fought it, but I had no other option, otherwise I would have fallen asleep behind the computer with my head on the keyboard and that leaves nasty marks on your face. 

I very dutifully laid down on the sofa and made myself go to sleep and woke up about two hours later. I made myself some coffee and slowly came to my senses, though I think I may have written a post before I completely had my wits about me. That will make for interesting reading too. It may boggle your mind, as it boggled mine when I read it later. I thought, now what in the world was I talking about? Is this woman quite in her right mind? Is there a screw loose maybe? Does something need to be fastened? 

See, I make fun of myself so you can't ahead of me. We can laugh together anyway. It is better than feeling embarrassed. I've always got to make fun of myself when I think I'm in danger of having made a blunder. I read an article about that in a woman's magazine today. The best way to deal with a blunder is to laugh about it yourself and to not take it too seriously, as long as you learn a lesson from it so you won't repeat it. I think that is good advice. 

I'm try to keep all my blogs straight and update the one that I wrote in the longest time ago. I try not to repeat myself, but write something new wherever I am. God forbid someone should actually read all 5 blogs, although I think it's not possible. I don't want to write the same story in all 5 blogs so I aim for variety. I mustn't fall into repeats, though the temptation is there at times and sometimes I will and there will be overlap. It's hard to be completely original all the time. Even the greatest diarists couldn't have done it. 

It's great when your mind is full of ideas and curiosity and goodwill and words and deeds and points of view to get across. but your body has to co-operate too. I wish I was a teenager with the endless energy of one and the capacity to sleep until noon the next day. I feel that I have so much I want to say, but I'm sluggish and I really am dragging my body through the day more than I'm willing to admit. I don't want to go to sleep, though, because I would be afraid that I would miss out on something fun that I could do. Sooner or later I have to go to bed for real, in my pajamas and under the duvet. I must try to get some sleep, even if it is only for a few hours. 

It's funny, but when I opened up ' The Choppy Sunflower' blog, there were immediate comments, as if people had been waiting for me to return and it was the most normal thing in the world that I did. There was no mention really of my long absence. I thought everybody would have forgotten me by now, but apparently that is not true. I do have followers wherever I go. It's not a multitude, but there are some people out there.

Oh hallelujah, my medicines have just started to work and I feel so much better now. What a relief that is. I was wondering if I was going to notice anything in this state of mind. I did feel a certain amount of stress that I wanted to get rid off. 

I was just out walking Tyke when we ran into the Yorkshire Terrier puppy that was also being walked. He was so enthused, that within the shortest amount of time our leashes and the fringe of my scarf had become completely entangled and we couldn't get it undone. We had to let the dogs off the leashes and mess around for a good 5 minutes before we got everything disentangled. It was actually pretty hilarious and the dogs had a good time. Tyke likes being off the leash and doesn't go anywhere. He's completely fascinated with that puppy, as he likes all puppies. I'll have to let him off the leash there more often when the other dogs are out and let him have a good run around.

Well, that's it for me for now. I wonder what I'm going to do next? How will I get through the rest of the evening? What stunts can I think of? 

Ciao,
Nora

Movement...

I need a lot of coffee, because I'm almost dozing off behind the computer and it's not nearly time to go to bed, although I am more than ready for it to be. I may go early tonight and sleep as long as I can possibly manage to make up for last night when I hardly slept at all. 

Still you would think that all that sleep this morning would have made up for it and the nap this afternoon. Apparently that didn't help at all, or I'm so tired after my little drama that I need extra sleep. I can't forget about it, because my sore wrists remind me of it constantly. I would like to completely put it out of my mind, but I'm afraid I'll have to send an email to my SPN in a little while explaining to her what happened. There's always an aftermath to deal with, isn't there? 

I'm almost embarrassed that I rapid cycled about such a little incident that took mostly place inside my own head and that had such dire consequences for me. I felt I was going to rapid cycle a while ago when the cigarettes were all gone and the coffee spilled over the desk and the ashtray. I felt like breaking down and crying, but then I thought that it was only a temporary setback that could be fixed and I could always go to sleep if I couldn't handle it. Rapidly cycling downwards is like having a nervous breakdown repeatedly. 

Rapidly cycling upwards is like repeatedly finding joy and elation at nothing at all. At just any ordinary thing and getting the most pleasure out of it that you can. Finding ecstasy, even if it lasts for only brief moments, and pure unadulterated joy that lasts for hours. It's like being high on a drug. 

I've had 2 cups of coffee and that is enough. I'm awake again. I mustn't drink any more, because I may not fall asleep tonight.  I am planning on sleeping well and not having a long night up like I did last night. That was so silly, I fell asleep behind the computer with my head on the edge of the desk. I still have a sore spot on top of my forehead. Luckily, I'm not permanently branded by it. I could have fallen asleep on the keyboard too. I wonder what sort of problems I would have gotten the computer into then? I would have given it conflicting messages. I might have had a mess on my hands. 

I was just standing by the back door, letting out Tyke, and it was cold outside. Now I am chilled to the bone and I really need a cup of hot chocolate milk, but I don't know if that works the same as caffeine. Does it? I should just give it a try, because it would warm my stomach and surroundings so nicely. It's practically a meal, a cup of hot chocolate milk. I always feel very full when I've had one. That reminds me of when I used to drink Cup a Soup. That was always very good too. I must get into that habit again now that the weather is colder. 

Well, I'm off to the microwave oven. No pots and pans required. 

Have a nice evening!

Ciao,
Nora

How I made a mess...

I still had Ubuntu installed on this computer and in my effort to uninstall it, I wiped everything off the hard drive, Windows XP and Ubuntu. That's when you get too smart for yourself and start messing around in systems where you have no business being. When you only half understand what you are doing.

I switched the computer off and started it up again and got the message that I had to reboot by inserting the device and pressing any key. Well, the only device I had was the Ubuntu installation CD, so I inserted that and installed the program. Since it was so old, it had to download over 600 new packages of software to update it. So I very patiently did that. All went well, no hitches.

Then I noticed that I could update to the latest 10.04 edition and did I want to do that? I thought, sure, why not. While I'm doing this, I may as well do it right. I had to download 1,604 packages of software and it was going to take a little over an hour. I did that, waited patiently, drank some coffee, smoked some cigarettes, and yes, it did everything it was supposed to do.

Next, it had to install everything and clean up the system. That took another hour or so, but everything went very smoothly. I couldn't believe my luck. I entered my user name and password and could get started. I started up Firefox and opened up all the tab pages that I was going to need with all the websites on them.

Having done that, I opened up the email program and added all the relevant information to start receiving and sending emails. That almost went perfectly from the beginning. I made an error, but knew how to fix it, and everything was fine after that. I do still have to enter everyone's email address and that's going to be a lot of work. I'm not looking forward to that.

So, there really was no hitch, you see? Except that now Ubuntu is my only running program and that Windows XP has disappeared.  When I shut the computer off for the first time, I was afraid to turn it back on again and get some sort of awful message that I would have to reboot the system all over again, but apparently updating it has worked beautifully.

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed and slept until 2 pm and Tyke ate my cigarettes and lighter that I had forgotten to put away, so that's my own fault. He would do something like that when tempted. He didn't actually eat them, but rip them apart into small pieces that I found on my bed and the floor beside it. I never hear a thing, sound asleep as I am.

It was a slightly hypo manic night, I think you could say that. I'm feeling fairly normal now, but I don't know how the rest of the day will go. Now that I have Ubuntu again, I will be drawn to the computer even more than I usually am because of curiosity. I'm not going to do anything really out of the ordinary with it, but I did download Foxsaver for the pretty photos. I don't have any images yet in my folder of images, so I must do something about that. Therefor these posts will go without pretty pictures for a while.

I must get the show on the road now and be a good dog owner and apartment dweller. I can't sit here all afternoon, much as I'd like to. There are some jobs waiting for me that must be done before I can enter the email addresses into that program.

Have a good rest of the day and try to stay away from your hard drive or whatever in the world it is called. I get those terms mixed up and I have no one to ask.

Ciao,
Nora

For the better part of it...

I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep and was wide awake. I got up immediately and didn't even try to stay in bed and go back to sleep. All I could think was, "Get up, get up, and make the most of it." I didn't want to stay in bed and struggle with sleep and nightmares and tossing and turning, when I could be up and have a good time behind the computer in the quiet time of the middle of the night. I realize that now I have to catch up on my sleep during the day or otherwise pay a terrible price in the form of a depression, but I've got the whole morning to sleep and I assume I will get tired toward the dawn. 

I now realize why I don't like sleeping during the night. It's those nightmares and the tossing and turning and the feeling that the night seems to last forever and be a matter of hard labor that turns me off. That headache I woke up with in the morning, and that I thought had disappeared with the first cup of coffee, returned in full force and lasted all day until I took a paracetamol with codeine. I'm sure it is a stress headache and not a migraine, and several times my neck cracked when I turned it, but I don't think you're supposed to get stress from sleeping. The nightmares bothered me very much and I didn't want a repeat of that.

I did last well all day, though, and didn't feel the need for a nap and my mood was good all day long. I even changed my clothes and got properly dressed and put earrings in. It does feel good to look nice and feel as if you've pulled yourself together, even if it is only for your own benefit and to walk the dog in. At least I enjoyed walking the dog several times, regardless of the never ending sameness of the scenery and it wasn't a chore like it sometimes is. Walking a dog in the suburbs can be very non-challenging and boring. I'm sure it isn't that much fun for the dog either, although he seems to make a big deal out of it and is always tracking something. Maybe he gets a bigger kick out of it than I do and I'm projecting my feelings onto him. 

I have to set the alarm clock for 10 am, because the tobacco shop is only open in the morning on Mondays. I must get my own brand of tobacco, because anything else doesn't taste as good and is thrown away money. The stuff they sell at the supermarket isn't half as nice and comes in inferior containers that have a lot of crumb in them. I guess you could say that when it comes to tobacco, I am a connoisseur and that's why I have it specially ordered. 

I have just taken my morning medication and am waiting for that to work. I should be more relaxed in just a while. Subconsciously a lot of tension creeps in as the day grows nearer. I start to worry about how the day will go and about the things I'm supposed to do and I always feel like I'm not up to doing them. They overwhelm me, simple as they are. I'm starting to get a headache and I guess that's the new way the stress is going to manifest itself.

I'm waiting to get tired now. I expect I'll get sleepy soon, but I don't feel it yet. I think I will wait until it's time to take Tyke for a walk and then maybe go to bed. It's cold outside and the cool air should do wonders for my headache. It will shock it right back to where it came from. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Up and at 'em

Much to my own surprise, I turned the computer off last night and watched an entire episode of 'Silent Witness' on TV and went straight to bed after that. Oh, and before I did that, I walked the dog like a good owner, so he didn't have to piddle out back. I was mighty proud of myself. So, I didn't sleep on the sofa with the computer on so that I could get behind it the minute I woke up. When I got up, I made a pot of coffee first and then turned on the computer. It's the little nuances that count. The fact is that I slept and that I was ready to go to bed and fell asleep almost instantly. My stomach wasn't tied in knots and I wasn't obsessed about the computer.Of course, now I'm sitting behind it, but I always do that in the early morning, so that is part of my regular ritual. There's nothing abnormal about that.

I'm trying to get my life back to normal now that I'm starting to see the forest for the trees again. I can't wait to have everything back in place the way it used to be. If there's anything I abhor it is change. I am going to ask for an extra two hours of input from my personal helper sometime earlier in the week on a Monday or Tuesday. I think I can use that and it's been offered to me. I will arrange that tomorrow. I'm going to quit the creative classes because I think they have caused the necessary upheaval for me and I don't want any more of it. I've come to be disgusted with them and anything associated with them and I'm sorry that I ever tried to fit them into my schedule. It's been a bad experience. I'm happy that I'm getting Monday's domestic help back. That's a very good thing. You really should appreciate what you have. 

I'm going back to bed and finish sleeping. I won't have to worry about the day getting started yet. I think I will read a book. 

Ciao,
Nora

There's no end to it.

In my present mood, I have a deep obsession with the computer and I leave it on night and day. At the moment, it is the only thing I really care about, to the point that it drives me crazy myself. There is nothing that can be done about it, though, and I just have to wait to get over it, which I assume will happen in a few days when my medication starts to work. There is some progress already in that I'm not writing and deleting numerous posts. Most times, I am glued to the seat of my desk chair and the computer screen and try to find interesting ways to keep myself amused. I pay very little attention to what goes on around me and I live in a tiny little world. 

Since my medication has been increased, I have started to sleep again. I do this during the day and during the night with intervals of a few hours. That's why I leave the computer on. I never know when I will wake up and need it again. I sleep on the sofa and am within easy reach of it. I seem to sleep for about four hours and then I wake up and have a cup of coffee. I'm not self medicating with coffee anymore and have stopped drinking so much of it. 

I was very negative during my meeting with my SPN and my psychiatrist this morning. I owned up to all my behavior, but felt angry about the fact that I have manic depression and I don't think I have ever felt angry about that before. I didn't say that, I think. I was just generally pissed off and that exhibited itself as sadness. I didn't know who to be angry with. I wasn't my usual cheerful co-operative self. I had no input, or hardly any. I don't think I'm going to be so cheerful anymore during these kinds of meetings. It gives the wrong impression. It makes it look like I'm coping better than I am. 

I've taken a long pause while writing this. I was waiting to feel better again. I had to take my medicines because it was time and I think I was in need of them. I was in need of the antipsychotic anyway. It takes a while before it is built up to a proper working level in your system. All day and night my mood goes up and down. I'm constantly fighting the downhill slide and trying to think magic thoughts so it won't go downhill and then it goes uphill again. I can't make sense of it. 

I wanted to write a more cheerful post, but I'm afraid I didn't manage it. I sure labored over it. It achieved its purpose in that it kept me occupied with the computer for a long time. 

Ciao,
Nora

Man the ramparts!

I am drinking several cups of coffee. I decided on this action when I gently started nodding off behind the computer and I felt I had no desire yet to go back to bed. I was there earlier, but woke up because I had to go to the toilet and let Tyke out back and that was enough reason for me to want to stay up. I can't withstand the excitement of walking into the living room and turning on the computer and hoping there are some emails in my inbox.

Usually, I am not disappointed and I wasn't tonight, though the pickings were slim. There were only four emails and most of those were comments on my blog posts, though I am happy with them, of course. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth and comments are very welcome gifts. As a matter of fact, I prefer them to regular emails, which have a tendency to be about things people want from me or appointments that are canceled. They are seldom emails I really want to get. I always brace myself before I read them, except for the ones from my older sister. They are very chatty and she sends at least two a day. They are so uncomplicated.

Anyway, so here I am up in the middle of the night again, unwilling to go back to bed, though I will when it gets to be morning, and it's not as if I have a moonlit, starry sky to entice me because I can't see a thing of the night sky. I didn't even know there was a full moon the other night until someone pointed it out to me and I thought that declared my odd behavior. I am such a lunatic.

Come on, I am being a slow poke and the night is rushing toward dawn. I always have to sit and contemplate my navel. It would be better if I just sat and wrote, I would get a post written much quicker. Now I endlessly sit and reread the words I've written and it does me no good at all. I can't be having writer's block. I do know what I want to write about. The subject is very simple. It is all about me and what I think and what I've done. It can't get much easier than that. I'm not writing the great American novel. I think that was Main Street, wasn't it? Or is it Lake Wobegone Days? The jury is out on that one. Tell me what you think is the great American novel.

Speaking of novels, I do need to go back to reading mine, but instead of reading the one I had started, I think maybe I need to start a new one. It's very possible that I'm not in the proper mood for the book I was reading before I was so rudely interrupted by my crazy mood. I may need to put that one on the bookcase for a while and get out something else that intrigues me more. I have enough books to choose from and I must look carefully and see what I think may be attractive now. If you have any suggestions on novels I should read, then please let me know. Maybe I already have them, if not, I'll add them to my wish list over at bol.com. My ever growing wish list. Some day, when I hit the jackpot, I'm going to order them all. And buy a new bookcase. I'll have to move, though, because I won't have a place to put it.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Obsession...

I think I'm in a bit of trouble. I can't seem to do anything but be occupied with this blog. Already I have changed the template. I can't do anything else or concentrate on anything else. All day long I sit behind the computer and contemplate the blog and what I can do with it. There's no room in my head for anything else. I think I'm going slightly mad and I'm a bit worried about myself. I seem to be possessed. 

I have just taken my medication and am waiting for it to work. Maybe it will calm me down a bit, because I surely need calming down. I feel very tightly wound up and some of this energy needs to be released. Maybe writing about it will help and put things in perspective. It is just my luck that I should get crazy like this in the weekend when there's nobody to call, except the crisis line and I don't think I'm in a crisis yet. I must be crazier than this before I call them. 

I should have known something was up with my mood yesterday when I was so awfully sleepy all day long. Very often that signals a change in my mood. I didn't pay enough attention and wasn't aware enough to realize it. It bothers me that after all this time I still don't know this stuff until after the fact, looking back on it. It's good that I realize it now, but it would have been better if I had been prepared for it. 

I feel that I can't leave the computer, because I don't know what I will do with myself if I do. I must sit here and keep myself occupied with it and keep going back to look at this new blog. I will go nuts if I try to do anything else. I can't imagine myself doing anything else. All I can hope for is that I will get really tired and that I will go to sleep and stay asleep. I must rid myself of this obsessive behavior. 

The medication has started to work and has calmed me down a lot. As a matter of fact, I feel a bit sleepy now. That is good. I will put on my pajamas and bathrobe and be ready to go to bed in an instant. I worry about the night, though, and what it will bring. Will I feel so terrifically hypomanic again? 

Ciao,
Nora