Although I´ve just written a post, I don´t feel any urge to go to bed yet. As a matter of fact, I feel quite mellow and am enjoying the late hour of the night when I have no more obligations. I´ve just walked Tyke and am sitting here in my pajamas and bathrobe and I think that all is well with the world. I feel like I´ve taken a wellness drug that´s made me feel very good and that has emptied my head of bad thoughts and bad vibrations. Not that I had that many there to begin with, but now I don´t have any. I´m completely at ease.
I´m drinking a glass of cold milk and am enjoying a cigarette, The cold milk is very good, as I´ve been very thirsty lately and can´t seem to get enough to drink. I´m all done drinking coffee, of course, and have to drink milk and lemonade now, which are no great hardships, they just don´t alter my mood the way coffee does. The milk makes me feel cold all over and I feel like turning on the heater, though it isn´t really that cold inside here. I really should have a cup of hot chocolate, but I´m afraid I´m all out of that and haven´t thought to replace it. That should go on the next shopping list. It isn´t that much of a luxury. Despite my skimping on the grocery list, I do want to have something nice in the cupboards that will give me some joy. There´s always a fine line between being frugal and being kind to yourself and I walk that line all the time.
It´s a very peaceful and quiet time of the night. I know I can sleep late in the morning and if I use a bit of willpower, I will most likely sleep through the night. It is my intention anyway. I will just be very hungover when I get up in the morning and need several cups of coffee to get to my senses. That´s the drawback of sleeping late. I´ll sit in my armchair and try to put my head in order and organize my thoughts for the day, but the coffee will work quickly and I will be alright after about half an hour. It´s like the rebirth of a human being. My dog doesn´t seem to have that problem. Of course, he´s not burdened by many thoughts and responsibilities. He doesn´t have the human capacity to worry.
I don´t have the capacity to worry late at night, that´s why I enjoy this time so much. I´m in a zone of no concerns. Nothing can touch me now and I am perfectly safe. I feel that I am out of harm´s way and that whatever awaits me during the day is many hours away and not even within easy reach. There´s a real buffer between now and then. A whole night´s sleep and many dark hours in which nothing will happen, even if I were to wake up in the middle of the night. I can postpone the start of the day as long as possible, because as long as I sleep, there´s no tomorrow. It doesn´t start until I wake up in the morning.
Nothing really horrible awaits me tomorrow. I give the impression that something really bad is going to happen. It will just be an ordinary Friday with the domestic help coming and me having to go to the tobacconist. I have to make some copies of some important papers and I have to do that at the grocery store, but that´s the most complicated thing I have to do, and really, how hard is that in a lifetime? I´ve done more difficult things than that. I mustn´t act like anything out of the ordinary is a complication. I´m not handicapped or otherwise challenged, after all. I´m a capable human being and I have to stop thinking of myself as someone who is less able and more vulnerable.
I suppose somewhere along the line you have to embrace your individualism and except the fact that you don´t have to always be a conformist. As a matter of fact, that it is a thing that is not at all desirable. When it has been your training and ambition to always belong to a group and to fit in, it is difficult to give up that ambition and to strike out on your own with your own well thought out ideas and conclusions about life and the main social and political issues. Some people come to this point quicker than others and I admire them for it. Some people do life ass backwards and conform before they rebel. Early in life they have a desire to belong to the highest possible status quo they can attain and only later on do they realize the emptiness of it and the false promises. They live lives of quiet desperation and escape when the dream falls apart. It was only a big soap bubble that had alluring colors, but burst when the conditions weren´t optimal. Being non conformist gives a much healthier state of mind and allows you much more freedom and exposure to real life. You´re not in a straight jacket any longer.
Well, I do get philosophical late at night, don´t I? It´s a case of random thoughts connecting in my mind. It all makes sense to me. I´m very brave late at night and can say heroic things. It´s during the daytime that I have to put them to the test. That´s when my bravery will be put under scrutiny. My deeds are small then and my victories little, but they amount to a lot for me. I will get braver as I grow bolder. It will grow with my sense of security and my believe in myself. I have to be damned stubborn and pretend that I´ve got that. If I were a man I would say that I have to act like I´ve got balls.
It´s time to go to bed. I do have to get some sleep. Cozy as it is to sit here and exchange thoughts with you, though I´m not knowing yours really. No doubt I´ll read them later. It´s been a rambling post and one I needed to write. Sometimes I need to get all these loose thoughts out of my head.
Have a good morning.