Life does continue...

I was rudely interrupted in my sleep by the dog who had to go out back for a piddle. I suppose I can't really be upset about that because it is much better than him piddling inside by the back door. It does feel awful if you step in it the next day totally unawares. 

It was much less cold outside than it had been and I stood out on the patio in the night air enjoying it while the dog did his business. The air felt pleasant after having been so cold and I didn't mind being out there in just my pajamas. The sky was overcast and that's probably why it wasn't so cold. 

A pot of coffee was quickly made and I'm having my second cup. I've read other people's blogs and commented on them where I thought I had something to say. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not always as outspoken as I appear to be. 

I actually had a scrambled egg to eat yesterday. I have not had eggs in a long time. I had the Exfactor buy me biological eggs, meaning they came from chickens that had been allowed to roam free outside and have been fed responsibly. 

I fixed it with real butter and it tasted delicious. One egg is all I can handle, but it's perfect for a meal. It agreed with my stomach well too and I didn't experience any problems such as loud noises and burps. That's a good sign and I will have another one today.

I think if you listen to your body well, it will tell you what foods agree with it. You can try them out in small amounts for a couple of times and see what happens. I don't deal well with wheat, especially whole wheat products. They give me gas and make me bloat something awful. So I avoid them. 

I haven't had any chocolate lately either. I don't eat Nutella any longer and I haven't gotten any candy bars from the tobacco shop. I think I've gotten over my craving for it. I may talk about it now and then, but that's really nothing serious. Mostly that's just an old habit. 

What I crave most are cold things such as ice cold milk or pudding or ice cream. Anything to take that dry feeling from my mouth. I think that's a side effect from the medicines. 

I haven't had any ice cream in a long time either. I know it's too dangerous and that I will eat the whole carton in one go. It goes down that easy. It does melt in your mouth, after all. 

Cravings are usually bad things and are best ignored, except low fat, ice cold milk. Or ice cold orange juice. That's a good one too and that's what I'm going to have next. 

I'm yawning. It's time to go back to bed. My duvet is turning out to be the most wonderful thing. I love the thickness of it, yet it's so featherlight. It's perfect to sleep under. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Never mind the foolishness...

I've been up for a couple of hours and had two cups of coffee. I had gone to bed on time, but once I was lying there, I realized that I was not at all sleepy, although it took me an hour to figure that out. That's how long I stayed in bed anyway. 

I figured it was pretty futile to continue lying there and got up again and made some coffee and turned on the computer. There were emails to answer and comments to read. Those were good enough pastimes for me. 

After that, I finished reading all the blog posts of 'The Gaff Giraffe' which had taken me a couple of days to do. It was very educational and showed me again how neurotic I can get sometimes and how completely like an unguided missile, and how very boring I can get at other times. Like a true bipolar person, I guess. From one extreme to the other.

I'm starting to yawn now and am going to have to find my bed soon. In the meantime, I'm drinking cold milk which is bound to make me sleepy. As soon as I stop drinking coffee, I start going downhill. It almost makes me want to make more coffee again so I will have more energy. I'm not quite ready to go back to bed. 

Since it is officially Saturday now, I feel I have the privilege to stay up as long as I want because I can sleep late. I suppose I'm having another one of my celebratory moments in the middle of the night when I feel on top of the world and want to make it last as long as possible. 

Being slightly in a stupor only adds to the attraction. I feel a little stoned and it's rather pleasant. I'm dopey with the need for sleep, but I have the will and the desire to stay up, so I'm on the edge. Don't I like to live dangerously? It's my middle name. Yeah, right. 

I have the smell of Chinese food on my brain tonight and I have such a hunger for it that I'm ready to go to the Chinese restaurant and order them to open up and fix me a meal of Nasi Goreng, which is really an Indonesian dish but the cultures get mixed up. I would love to have a portion of satay with that. Of course, my eyes would be bigger than my stomach and I would never be able to finish it, but I'd enjoy trying it. 

I guess I'm bound to get these olfactory fantasies every night because they are secret desires for foods I long for but can not eat. Or only eat in very little portions. Sometimes I think I smell a Hema smoked sausage which are the best in the country. No such luck for me. It's terrible, the things I have to do without. 

But I do get to lose weight, albeit agonizingly slowly because of the medicines I'm on. It would go a lot faster if it weren't for them. They do hinder me in my weight loss. Especially when they are increased and I don't even know if that is helping me, as is the case now. 

I know one thing, I mustn't give up coffee completely because it keeps 'the black dog' at bay. Trying to only drink tea is not such a success. Drinking coffee puts me in a much better mood. I just have to not overdo it. There's to be moderation in it as in everything. I'm certainly not going to quit cold turkey like I had planned to. That was a very unrealistic idea. It was a shock to my system and not a very pleasant one at that. 

I got my second wind and am feeling good now. I'm over my sleepiness. Speaking of food must have done me some good. I almost feel like I had some. I get the same sort of satisfaction from reading food recipes down to the minutest details. I feel like I've partaken of the meal. I've had this habit since I was a kid. Reading my mother's cookbook and looking at the pictures of the dishes.

Have a good Saturday you all.

Ciao,

Nora

Easing toward dawn...

Actually, I just noticed that it's dawn already because the sky is starting to become light, although there are many clouds there still. I've been so preoccupied that I didn't hear the birds sing, but now that I'm paying attention, I do hear some of them chirp. I think I missed the big concert earlier when they all woke up. 

There must have been the usual cacophony, but I didn't hear it because I was too busy commenting on blog posts. That goes to show you that I can only pay proper attention to one thing at the time. I can't chew gum and walk at the same time. 

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm cold so it's time to put on my bathrobe. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Is that how preoccupied I was? 

The dog is sleeping soundly behind me in the armchair. I haven't heard a peep out of him yet. The cat is asleep on the sofa. She's curled up into a little ball. That's what the early morning looks like here. 

I'm trying not to think too much about the day ahead. I've still got to go to bed to sleep some more before I really start the day. It won't be until my second attempt at getting up that I will have to give serious thought to the rest of the day. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to increase my medication like I did yesterday and inform my psychiatrist of it. It helped me so much and I felt so much better when I did it yesterday that it seems senseless not to do it today and have another bad day. I've had enough of them and don't want a repeat.

I've got some chores to do today and I suppose that, despite the reluctance that I feel, I will get them done. I just need to work up some enthusiasm and I hope that when I wake up later, I will have some of that. It's very necessary that I feel up to things again and not look at them as a mountain I have to climb. 

I've been watching a program on TV called 'Baby Boom' and I'm sure that if I were in my child producing years, I would have been motivated to get pregnant now. It's all about getting pregnant and trying to stay pregnant and having babies. It tugs at my heart strings and brings back many memories and I'm sorry that those years are behind me. 

It's probably the wrong program for me to watch. I'm sure I'm in the wrong age group. I have an infertile body and no hormones screaming through my body. It's purely an emotional issue. Accepting that I've reached this stage in my life and that the other stage is over for good. I sure do miss it, though. 

'Aurelio Zen' was on last night and it was a good episode. I understand that only three of them were made and that it's not sure if more of them will be. I think that's a shame and I hope whoever is in charge will change their mind. They are so well done that you forget they are not Italian actors acting as Italian characters. 

'Inspector Frost' will be on tonight and I'm looking forward to that too. He's an old favorite, but I don't know if these will be repeats or new episodes. Either way, it's a good way to spend the evening, although I do end up going to bed late. But that's the least of my worries. 

I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and start a load of washing. It will be nice to lie down in a clean bed. I'm already yawning again so I think it's time to go. I've been drinking cold milk and am slowly getting sleepier. There's a great desire to get under the warm duvet.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

On being truthful...

Well, I can't blame the dog for me being up in the middle of the night. I owe it all to myself this time and my need to go to the toilet. That and my refusal to go back to bed afterwards because I was wide awake. Actually, I was eager for a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I very selfishly indulged in those and now I still am. I'm not always known for my wise decisions, but I am known for my most indulgent ones. 

I've read other people's blogs and commented where I thought I had something to say. I don't always leave a comment. Sometimes I think it's better if I don't say anything at all because it may come out a little bitchy. Or more negative than I intend it to be. I can be super critical at times and that, of course, is not always necessary. Nobody is waiting for my opinions. I sometimes feel that I have to be kinder than I actually am.

I didn't have any emails, much to my disappointment. I felt forsaken by everybody. Usually there are at least one or two, but now there was nothing. That severely cut down on the time I had to spend answering them. Let's hope I'm not completely forgotten and that some will trickle in during the night. It feels very bad to be so unpopular. Maybe it's because I'm such a misanthrope. I've been discovered for the true person I really am. 

I mean to be more truthful in these posts and not make myself look so wonderful and understanding all the time. Instead I want to present myself as the very ordinary and fragile human being that I am, just like everybody else if they really owned up to it. I'm all done being superwoman, and will show you the not so pretty sides. The ones I always cover up. 

Don't expect any big revelations now. They will happen with time as I write about things. I will always try to be honest and not embellish things. If there's a negative aspect about myself, I will try not to hide it if it's pertinent to what I'm writing about. It's a whole new approach. That doesn't mean I'm going to write about my problems, but just about my thoughts and opinions and general attitude. 

What I think now is that I ought to go back to bed. I have much sleep left in me and hours left to go before I have to get up. It's a lonely business, this blogging in the middle of the night. There is nobody else out there to keep you company. Everybody seems to be asleep. 

I have to do the groceries myself today. It's with some trepidation that I look forward to this. I'm not quite sure if I'm up to it, but I will be brave and do it.

Ciao,

Nora

The silence of midnight...

I've already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can't go back to sleep afterwards because I'm wide awake by the time I've done that and let the dog out back. There's no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I'm as alert as if I've slept for hours and I'm ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 

Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I've been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don't make empty noises. 

Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn't exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I'm trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.

Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That's worthy of a whole study in itself. It's a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I'm always pleasantly surprised when there's at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 

I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I'm all caught up. I don't know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog's eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 

I appreciate the fact that I don't have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 

It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don't happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won't yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn't going to mention it at all, but it's bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 

I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora

Catch up...

I had told myself that I couldn't spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn't counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 

I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I've eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It's very irritating and doesn't stop until I've gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 

It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don't mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can't during the day, or so I've told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.

I find that I'm much more relaxed during the day if I'm not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It's much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I'm not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That's my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn't need to be explained into the minutest detail.

I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that's something I'm going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It's worth the missing hours of sleep, which I'll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It's okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don't make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don't want them to think I have forsaken them. 

So, without much further ado, that's what I'll go do now. I hope you're all sound asleep or if not, that you're having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you're in. 

Ciao,

Nora

Another day like this, please...

I tell the story in sequences on different blogs and to keep it straight for you, I suggest you go here to enjoy this part of it, though it isn't absolutely necessary, but you'd do me a big favor with it if you did. I'm also comment hungry, but that's a secret that you won't tell anyone, will you? 

I'm sitting here with a lovely cup of coffee and my cigarettes and life almost couldn't get better than this, although if I use my imagination I can think of a few other things that I'd also like a lot. All of them involve a lot of money and foreign travel and expensive hotels with room service. Yes, I do have rich tastes and should have been a capitalist and power hungry and ruthless. 

Alas, it's not in my nature to be that way myself, nor was I savvy enough to marry someone like it. I couldn't stand to be married to someone like Bill Gates and I doubt he could stand to be married to me, because I would tell him what to do with his money. I would do sensible money management and since I'm a socialist, there would be a lot of sharing of the wealth. I wouldn't just build a factory in Africa, I would build a village with an infra structure, so no shanty town would develop where people would have to live in indignity while they worked in my factory. I'm sure a lot of that is going on wherever big companies set up business.

I'll get off my soapbox, but you know where I stand on these things. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's the abuse of cheap labor and dire living circumstances for anyone. I count my blessings every day. I know how lucky I am. 

My meeting with my personal helper and my SPN went well, even though I had been nervous about it at first and was worried about how well they would get on and if there would be any friction with both of them having an interest in me, but coming from two different points of view. I need not have worried at all and we had a good and enlightening talk that was clear for everybody and that was not at all stressful or difficult. My SPN handles these things so well and I'm always impressed with her professionalism, even though she is relatively young. She doesn't have an enormous ego that gets in the way of her.

I think my personal helper feels reassured now too, because a lot has been made clear to her and she understand things better now. She got a good look inside the kitchen, sort to say. It's a great relief to me that this talk has taken place and that more talks can happen in the future if there is a need. Now both sides know what's involved and know each other. 

That's boring talk and I refuse to write about it more. I'm not in the mood for it. I want to write about different things altogether. About how incredibly nice this day is turning out to be and how happy I am to be alive and how well I feel about myself right now. I wish I could hold on to this feeling always and put it in a box to take it out for use whenever it was necessary. There should be a place where you can store spare happiness, although it is nice to be overwhelmed by it all at once. That and a 50 Euro bill can make your day. 

I have the heater turned up a little high because I was shivering although it really wasn't that cold in here. If it had been this temperature in the summer, I would have thought it was nice. Now I thought it was too chilly. There must be a draft. This morning I discovered that the domestic help had left open the bedroom window yesterday. I was wondering why it was so cold in the bedroom, but I didn't notice it behind the closed shade. Her logic escapes me. She also likes to rearrange my objects as if she's playing house and I regularly have to put things back where they belong. I do think it's kind of endearing, though. She does care enough, although she likes to put everything at an angle as if that is more artistic. She would have done well in the Baroque Age.  I put everything back straight. 

Tyke is having a good old snore. He doesn't realize that it's about time for a walk. He's too busy sleeping. It's okay with me, because I'm not exactly looking forward to going out in the cold, even though I do have that very nice scarf to wrap around my throat. The rest of me is cold, no matter how many clothes I wear. It's really going to be a problem this winter on how I'm going to manage to stay warm. I've turned into a real wimp when it comes to going out in the cold. I do so appreciate my warm apartment and the warm duvet when I go to sleep at night. As a matter of fact, I still want to get an extra cover for my bed, because I'm so cold when I first get in it. I keep my socks on. I wish I had one of my grandmother's crocheted bedspreads now. 

Tyke is awake and telling me it's time to go out. He's barking at me even, because I'm not doing what he wants. That is, get up out of this chair and put my coat on. I suppose I better go do that then. He's a bossy little dog. No manners whatsoever. Somebody didn't raise him right. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora