Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hanging in there a while longer...

It's in the middle of the night and, although I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee, I have the feeling that I'm not really supposed to be up. As a rule, I enjoy being up at this hour and do my clearest thinking, but tonight must be the exception. I'm slightly muddled and will have to do my best to get through writing this post. 

Maybe as I write this, and have another cup of coffee, the cobwebs will clear from my mind. That has been known to happen. The mental exercise and the caffeine seem to do wonders for my thinking capacities and very often I become quite coherent. That is my preferable state of mind. It's nice to be drowsy and almost nod off, but it's ever so much better to be sharp witted and on your toes. 

Either way, I will fall asleep again when I go back to bed. Nothing will prevent that from happening. Especially now that I've got the new, comfortable duvet on the bed and the bedroom window open to let the cold night air in. As long as the dog is not shivering from the cold, I'll be able to do that.

Outside it's below freezing and there will be frost on everything in the morning. That has its own charms as long as I'm warmly dressed when I take the dog out. It does get warmer a bit during the day and it will be sunny, although the sunshine will not be very strong. It will not give you a tan, but at least it will be cheerful with a bright blue sky. Somebody in their heavens does smile kindly upon us still. 

My mood has improved a bit and I do not see the world as darkly shaded as I did yesterday. That may be because it's now the middle of the night and I'm usually in a better mood at this time. Things never seem as dire at this time because I'm safely wrapped in darkness and my warm and comfortable bathrobe. It's easy to feel safe under these circumstances and have a good attitude. It's when daylight comes that I have to be equally well tuned. 

That should be possible if I get enough sleep and am not awakened prematurely. It's a joy to wake up on my own when I'm good and ready to and take my time to come to my senses with a cup of coffee. That first hour of the day can be very nice when I sit in my armchair and get ready to start the day. The dog is patient and merely wants to sit on my lap. He's in no hurry yet to go out. He knows I need a little bit of time. 

I'm going to act like it's going to be a joy to wake up in the morning. As if I have a fantastic day ahead of me. And then I will make the best of it. I will act like I have enormous horizons and huge possibilities. Like I can make all my wishes come true. You never know how far fetched that is.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Who I am and what I do...

I was slowly waking up and lying in bed with my eyes closed and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Who are you?" I thought that was too deep a question to have in the middle of the night and I could not answer it. I dismissed it quickly from my mind and got up to let the dog out. That was a less cerebral activity for me to take care of rather than think existential thoughts. 

I put on my bathrobe and made a pot of coffee. I turned on the computer and answered emails and read other people's blogs. The whole time I did that, I ignored that thought I'd had when I first started waking up. Now that I'm done with all those activities it's begging to be answered, but I'm loathe to answer it because how can I? 

How can I say who I am in a few easy sentences? I'm either going to have to dismiss the question all together or write an autobiography and that's way too much work. I don't know why I had that thought in the first place and what an odd one to have first thing when you still have your eyes closed and your mind starts to wake up.

I suppose I found myself alone in my bed and became aware of my solitariness as a human being in the great world. I realized I was just a tiny little cog in a very large machine and that I counted for hardly anything at all. I must have thought this in a split second in the darkness before I opened my eyes. I guess I felt my aloneness as all human beings eventually feel theirs.

I thought you didn't feel that until your dying hour and I suppose I felt it prematurely for some reason. I don't know if I had a dream just before it. I don't remember one. All I remember is darkness and silence, as if I had been out in the universe where someone had forgotten to turn the stars on.

Do we have to say who we are after we die? Is there a question that we have to answer? Do we have to say that we were the best possible human being we could have been? What if we chastise ourselves for all the things we didn't do? Are we forgiven?

I'm still discovering who I am, although I have a strong suspicion that I knew who I was a long time ago before life got a hold of me and filled me with my neuroses. Add some deep seated psychological pain and you've got the end product. Well, not the end product. It isn't over until the fat lady sings and she's nowhere in sight. I'll go listen to her aria at the very end. Until that time I've got a lot of work to do. 

I hope you all are having a good night. I'm going to sleep some more shortly. I hope I don't get anymore existential questions. One of those every now and then is enough, although it does give you food for thought. That's not too bad. 

Ciao,

Nora

According to the polls...

The polls are closed and when I let myself be guided by the results, I have to conclude that the overwhelming majority of you want me to keep writing all my blogs. I think that is okay with me, though I don't know if I will write in all of them every day, because not all of them are equal favorites of mine. Some of them are stepchildren and some of them are visited by very few people. 

Some of them aren't commented on because they are read in readers, which I tried this afternoon in the Google Reader and which is a very impersonal way to read blogs, I think. It doesn't allow you to comment and I don't think you show up in the statistics. It takes the interaction out of blog reading. 

So, I will remove the polls from the blogs shortly, after you've all had a look at them and maybe make up a new poll. I have to think about that. I have to think of one that's inoffensive to everyone, yet controversial enough for people to want to vote in. 

It's starting to be late in the afternoon and pretty dark in here. The rain has stopped falling for now, but there are still lots of rain clouds up there in the sky. I like how cozy it is right now and for a change am not bothered at all by the time of day. I used to think this was such an undetermined time in which the day couldn't make up its mind as to what it was, afternoon or evening. It was a toss up. Right now it seems like it doesn't matter and the darkness closing in is welcome. It will bring peace and quiet. 

I am determined to enjoy the evening as much as possible. It is Sunday, after all, and I want to make the most of what is left of the weekend. These are my last free hours. My God, that sounds as if I have a tough job to go to tomorrow. I guess that's how I look at the weekdays, as tough days that need to get lived through, when it is really the weekends that are the hardest. I do have to get that straight for myself and not live under illusions. I can't keep fooling myself about that. 

Nevertheless, I will enjoy the evening, but it is a fact, of course, that I should enjoy every evening, no matter which day it is and not just relegate that feeling to the weekends. There's no rule that says that you can't enjoy the weekdays. It seems to me that those are not bad days at all. It's some kind of myth I'm living with that the weekends are better days, when in fact I don't experience them that way at all. Let's do some myth busting here right away. If you catch me saying, "Thank God it's the weekend!" again, you can call me on it and tell me I'm very confused. 

Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock my personal helper is going to be here for an hour. That will be just enough time for a shower and a chat and to walk the dog if we do everything in a hurry. That's all the time she's got. I hope the Exfactor can come, because I'm out of a lot of things and was not able to go to the supermarket on Saturday. He said he would be here on Tuesday, but I hope I can change his mind. I've sent him an email and will keep my fingers crossed. 

My coffee has grown cold and old and I can't drink it anymore. It's time to switch to drinking juice. I've just taken my medicines and need to walk the dog again. The weather forecast is so confused, that it shows sun with partial cloudiness while it is pitch dark outside. That gives you a lot of confidence, doesn't it? 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora