Good moods...

The day is early and I'm enjoying my cups of coffee. I've even already had some breakfast because I've discovered that coffee agrees better with me if it lands on a layer of food. It's a good idea to eat anyway because I think I'm a much happier camper for it, although I'm usually in a good mood in the morning. I don't sit here in short supply of good spirits. Even if the weather is bad like it is now, I still feel cheerful enough. 

Maybe that is because the dog is sound asleep and apparently not in need of a walk yet. I don't have to worry about getting dressed and going out there. I can sit here and take my sweet old time. The coffee tastes all the better for it and so do my cigarettes and while I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, I do want to enjoy the small pleasures in life. 

I want to say, thenk goodness that it's Friday and that the weekend is coming up, but I didn't enjoy the last weekend at all and I don't know why I should be happy about it. It must be an old habit that is hard to break. 

I am in a way looking forward to the laziness of the weekend and to the TV programs that I'll watch which are always more interesting than they are during the week. I always get some chores done too, so the weekends do have some function and depth. It's not as if they are complete wastes of time. 

Today the Exfactor will be here if the weather does not prevent him from riding his bike over. He will have to take his chance between showers. He does have proper rain gear and he's a pretty tough customer who's not afraid of getting a little wet. Still, I would not wish for him to get drenched in one of the heavy showers that sometimes come down.

The domestic help will be here too, cleaning the apartment well enough so that I will only have some other chores left to do such as laundry and changing the bed and doing the dishes. It's great when somebody else does the tough jobs that can cause so much frustration. This domestic help is very cheerful and often sings while she works. It does set the proper tone. 

I've got to hop in the shower and get ready. It has stopped raining and the weather looks better right now. I've got to take my chance and walk the dog. 

Have a nice day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Daisies and cravings...

All this talk about rain in the forecast turned out to be a lot of poppycock. I think it drizzled one night. Tonight is a perfectly clear night and today is going to be a bright, sunshiny day. Showers had been predicted and nothing came of them at all. I could easily have hung up the laundry to dry outside.

At least the temperatures are nice for the time of year and that is most pleasant. You could say that we're having an Indian summer in November, although it is not as hot as all that. But sitting sheltered in the sun it feels warm and there are still kids playing outside without their jackets on.

There are a lot of perky daisies blooming in the fields right now despite the fact that the grass has been cut not too long ago. I always thought that daisies were little flowers, but since I have my varifocals. I'm surprised at the true size of them. There are also some dandelions still and some of the rosebushes in the communal flowerbeds are still blooming. They are a creamy yellow color. 

If you have a good look around, there's still enough to see. It's remembering to look that's the hard part. I'm always so busy paying attention to the dog when we walk, that sometimes I don't pay attention to my surroundings. I forget to look in people's gardens, while that is where the most interesting things are happening. I must try to pay better attention to the gardens today. 

I'm having a terrible craving for vanilla ice cream, so I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. The creamy yellow color of the roses made me think of vanilla pudding in it's purest form and that led to ice cream because I'm craving something smooth and cold. The Exfactor offered to buy me some when he last did the groceries, but I turned the offer down. I was afraid that I was going to eat it all at once, but now I wish I had some. 

But it would make me gain a kilo, so it's a good thing that I don't have any at all. It's the best solution.

Besides, I can be talked out of any kind of food if I have a glass of ice cold milk. It usually takes care of whatever craving I have. The whole trick is not to have those kinds of foods in the house in the first place. Luckily, I normally only have cravings during the night and not when I make the shopping list.

It's time for me to go to bed. Hopefully, when I next wake up it will be morning. There will be cultural programs on TV and then lots of sports. Speed skating I hope, although a bit of football will be alright too.

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Waiting for the dawn...

I went on the bathroom scale just now and much to my surprise, I had lost two kilos. I was not expecting that and almost made a little jump of happiness. I was standing on the scale at the time, so it's a good thing that I didn't because surely I would have broken it. 

I now have to lose 900 grams to reach my goal, but if I want to reach the weight of my skinny days, I have to lose five more kilos. Then I will be at the weight that I was when I was twenty years old. I get the distinct feeling that it can be done. 

I was also that weight before I got big from the medication. Before I started craving all those carbohydrates and all the fat started sticking to my bones. Before those nightmarish days in which I lost track of myself. 

Thank goodness those days are behind me. I'm no longer groping in the dark and not aware of myself and what is happening to me. It all truly was a bad dream. One which I never wish to be lost in again. God forbid that I should ever go through anything like that again. 

I don't expect to go through anything like it again. My head is in a much better space and I'm no longer in a unhealthy relationship. My eating is under control  and I'm not obsessed with unhealthy foods. I live a fairly normal life. As far as 'normal' is definable.

The depressions are the worst things that happen to me. I don't have control over them, but even they don't cause me to eat more. They do make me crave certain foods, but I don't have to give in to that. 

I very much feel like eating chocolate when I get down in the dumps, but that would be the worst thing I could do. It would only create a more morose mood. 

My skinny clothes are getting a little big on me, although not all of them. Some of them are very stretchy and will fit me for a long time. The jeans I have to hitch up with a belt. There's no other way about it. It's all for a good reason, n'est ce pas? 

And here it is early in the morning and I'm already awake. I don't know why I am already. Even the dog and the cat are still sound asleep. I have no good reason to be up. There's enough time in the day to do the things that I have to do.

I could possibly talk myself into going back to bed for a while, but I'm really not sleepy anymore. I don't think there's anything on TV this early in the morning. And I'm severely limited in how much coffee I can drink. I don't want to upset my stomach.

I may possibly have to take up a hobby. I had thought about taking up knitting, but now I'll seriously have to consider it. There are worse things I could do.

Have a nice day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Neutrality...

All moments should be as simple as this one. Every minute should be as uncomplicated as this one is. Unfortunately, today they aren't and I find myself at times filled with anxiety. 

I know why that is. It's because I wasn't able to stick to the diet because of unforeseen circumstances. It wasn't really because of a fault of my own, but still it makes me feel highly uncomfortable. Going on the diet was a big deal, going off it is an even bigger deal. 

I don't generally do well with changes in my life and this is a double whammy. On top of that I had the discomfort of the stomach problems. It's all been too upsetting for me and I wonder how I would deal with a real crisis. 

Well, it's the seemingly small problems in life that are always the hardest to tackle. Those are the ones that sneak up on you. It's the bigger things we are better prepared for and get the most support in. 

I must say that I consider myself fortunate that I don't have to deal with any big problems and that this is a relative small one that I have to tackle. I do have to count my blessings, after all. I must never forget to do that. God forbid that I should start thinking that my life is overly complicated. 

See how everything is relative? I started off worrying and before you know it, I've talked myself right out of it. I must just accept that I can't follow that silly diet and that I have a sensitive stomach. A stomach with an instruction booklet. That's all, no more, no less. 

At least I'm able to drink a cup of coffee with milk in it, that's truly a blessing. You know how much I want my cup of coffee. How much I need it. I'm not the same woman if I haven't had it. It perks me up tremendously if I'm in need of it. I won't be drinking tea any time soon. I had not such a good experience with it. 

The sun has been shining all day and the dog and the cat have been sitting in front of the window watching the world come by. It has been very entertaining to them because it has been very busy and lots of people have walked through the street. It's been like watching TV for them. 

I've got to see if I can catch the latest news and find out about the state of the country. I hope it's not going to hell in a hand basket yet. According to our able politicians, it isn't.

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Drinking cups of coffee...

I've taken a nap and watched the news, but neither of these things have done anything to restore my sanity. I realized that I was in need of caffeine and saw myself forced to make a pot of coffee. 

I'm drinking my second cup and I know I will have a third one because I'm slowly coming to my senses. I no longer feel the need to commit suicide. That's a relief anyway. In a little while I may even be able to put on a happy face. 

Caffeine does normally have that effect. It works as good as any medicine. Why bother with a 'happy pill' if you can have a cup of coffee? 

I'm not doing well and see the shadow of the 'black dog' who's wandering around again. I'm showing all the signs of an upcoming depression and have already sent my psychiatrist an email to that effect. I've been fighting this feeling for a while and it's better to acknowledge it and ring the warning bell. 

It's not so smart to ignore help when help is available. It's no good trying to muddle through on your own and to fight a losing battle. You can act like you're tough when you're really being foolhardy.

Except for the news, there's not a thing of interest on TV tonight to distract me. Tomorrow night there will be a thriller on, but tonight there is just the usual fare for the masses. I suppose I will act like one and try to be amused anyway.

I still have to eat dinner, but I can't get excited about it. I will blame that on the 'black dog.' 

I have to go in search of a better mood. Maybe I left it lying around somewhere. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Cowgirls don't get the blues...

I've done my duty and walked the dog. That's how I looked at it this evening. I felt it was something that had to be done and not like something I was in the mood for doing. No doubt the total lack of excitement of the route has something to do with that. 

It doesn't get very exciting in the suburbs, especially not when all the wildflowers have been mowed down. Although I must say that at the edges of the fields, some dare to stick up their heads and bloom. A small, shy amount of them. The man with the weed eater hasn't been by yet.

He would do me a big favor if he stayed away. It would make my walk with the dog more interesting. I'd like the man with the grass mower to stay away too and for the fields to go more wild, but I suppose that's too much to ask. I'm sure that the people who live around them want just plain old short grass. 

It's getting dark in the living room because rain clouds have moved in and the sun has set behind the houses across the street. I'm noticing that the days are getting shorter already and I don't want it to happen. I'm sighing, "Where did the summer go?" 

We had a beautiful spring, but not much of a summer yet. It's been mostly cool and rainy and it's hardly felt like summer at all. In ten days it will be August already and that seems too soon. I've been warmly dressed most of the time. I've even worn my leather jacket. 

The series 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be repeated on TV again. I guess they suppose that enough women want to watch it again during these boring summer months. I will probably watch it myself for lack of a better program. It's the one in which Collin Firth became famous. It will be worth watching it just to see him. The first episode is on tonight. 

I was going to write about the blues, but I've decided not to. It's a depressing subject. Maybe I'll be able to write about it lightheartedly another time.

I've got to eat dinner and watch the news. Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Acceptance...

The coffeemaker is brewing a pot of coffee to which I'm looking forward very much. It is spitting the last drops of water into the filter and I will be able to fill my cup in just a second. It will be most satisfactory to drink because I just had a cup of heated up coffee and it wasn't so very good. I knew it wasn't going to be, but I had it anyway. I was too discombobulated when I first got up to make a proper pot. 

I didn't hear the first birds start to sing, but now I'm listening to the latecomers. They don't sound nearly as enthusiastic, as if they're just putting in their time. It all sounds rather halfhearted. The first birds really make a concert of it and are jubilant. They sound like a hallelujah choir that greets the day wholeheartedly. 

Thank god today is Friday. All I have left to do are the dishes and to hang up the clean laundry. Those are not unsurmountable chores. They are within reason. The bed's been changed and I had the pleasure of sleeping under clean sheets last night. That was after I watched 'A Touch of Frost' which was on late.

It was a satisfactory episode and nothing too complicated, although it did have a twist that I didn't figure out until the last minute, but then again, I'm not a big sleuth and do like to be surprised. It was a good old fashioned thriller. The kind that makes you want to have cheese and crackers and a good glass of wine while you watch it. 

I've accepted the fact that I've had to increase my medication after having decreased it not too long ago. It seems that I don't do well enough on a lesser amount in the long run. I can see the sense of that and I hope my psychiatrist can see it also. I have to write him an email about it today. 

It's always nice to try and do with less and for a while it seemed to work, but this is the second time in a few weeks that I've gotten into trouble and I think that's too often. I become dysphoric and it is highly uncomfortable. I don't think that's the way I'm supposed to exist. It's supposed to be easier than that. 

I'm having a lovely glass of cold milk now and very nice it tastes too. I'd had enough coffee. It really only takes two cups to get me in the right state of mind as a rule. I'm going to do my chores before I go back to bed for some more sleep. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time before she gets here. I do need to come to my senses before she walks in. 

There's not going to be an exciting thriller on this evening. There will be a Belgian police series on and they are as bad as the Dutch ones. They don't compare to the British thrillers. Then there's going to be 'The Music Fest on the Square.' That's all Dutch music and that's about as bad as it sounds. It doesn't suit my taste, but a certain segment of the population seems to really enjoy it. 

Right, I'm off. Have a great day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Easing toward dawn...

Actually, I just noticed that it's dawn already because the sky is starting to become light, although there are many clouds there still. I've been so preoccupied that I didn't hear the birds sing, but now that I'm paying attention, I do hear some of them chirp. I think I missed the big concert earlier when they all woke up. 

There must have been the usual cacophony, but I didn't hear it because I was too busy commenting on blog posts. That goes to show you that I can only pay proper attention to one thing at the time. I can't chew gum and walk at the same time. 

I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee and I'm cold so it's time to put on my bathrobe. Why didn't I think of that earlier? Is that how preoccupied I was? 

The dog is sleeping soundly behind me in the armchair. I haven't heard a peep out of him yet. The cat is asleep on the sofa. She's curled up into a little ball. That's what the early morning looks like here. 

I'm trying not to think too much about the day ahead. I've still got to go to bed to sleep some more before I really start the day. It won't be until my second attempt at getting up that I will have to give serious thought to the rest of the day. 

I do know one thing, I'm going to increase my medication like I did yesterday and inform my psychiatrist of it. It helped me so much and I felt so much better when I did it yesterday that it seems senseless not to do it today and have another bad day. I've had enough of them and don't want a repeat.

I've got some chores to do today and I suppose that, despite the reluctance that I feel, I will get them done. I just need to work up some enthusiasm and I hope that when I wake up later, I will have some of that. It's very necessary that I feel up to things again and not look at them as a mountain I have to climb. 

I've been watching a program on TV called 'Baby Boom' and I'm sure that if I were in my child producing years, I would have been motivated to get pregnant now. It's all about getting pregnant and trying to stay pregnant and having babies. It tugs at my heart strings and brings back many memories and I'm sorry that those years are behind me. 

It's probably the wrong program for me to watch. I'm sure I'm in the wrong age group. I have an infertile body and no hormones screaming through my body. It's purely an emotional issue. Accepting that I've reached this stage in my life and that the other stage is over for good. I sure do miss it, though. 

'Aurelio Zen' was on last night and it was a good episode. I understand that only three of them were made and that it's not sure if more of them will be. I think that's a shame and I hope whoever is in charge will change their mind. They are so well done that you forget they are not Italian actors acting as Italian characters. 

'Inspector Frost' will be on tonight and I'm looking forward to that too. He's an old favorite, but I don't know if these will be repeats or new episodes. Either way, it's a good way to spend the evening, although I do end up going to bed late. But that's the least of my worries. 

I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and start a load of washing. It will be nice to lie down in a clean bed. I'm already yawning again so I think it's time to go. I've been drinking cold milk and am slowly getting sleepier. There's a great desire to get under the warm duvet.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sipping hot coffee...

I greet this day as if it's supposed to be some sort of important day, but really, I have no idea why it should be. Am I forgetting something important? Is it a holiday somewhere in the world? Somebody enlighten me, please. I feel in a celebratory mood and there must be a reason for it. 

If not celebratory, then at least as if it is cause for a solemn occasion that requires a ceremony. Something like that. Like there ought to be church bells ringing and incense burnt and candles lighted. Maybe the news today will enlighten me. May the 14th, people. What can it be?

In the meantime, I'm sipping hot coffee in the middle of the night as is my usual ritual. The coffee packs a punch. I made it very strong on purpose. I wanted a good kick in the rear end to really wake me up. To really get the cobwebs out. 

I got what I asked for and the coffee blasted them out. I've got mouth puckering cups of it. Nice and strong and bitter. They taste like espressos. I haven't created such a nice artificial high in quite a while. 

I'm also celebrating the fact that Blogger is on the air again. It was hard to do without for 24 hours. I didn't quite go through withdrawal symptoms, but I came close. I was ready to go straight back to bed if there was no connection. I didn't even make coffee until I was sure that there was. That must explain why I made the coffee so strong. It is celebratory coffee. 

The Exfactor was here yesterday and told me he is going to be moving house next week. He will be moving into town again so he will be a lot closer than he is now, which will be more convenient for him and for me.  He does all of his major errands in town and he is here several times a week. That takes up a lot of his time and fuel for his motorcycle. 

Needless to say, he's going to be very busy next week and I have to find out another way to get my groceries. I may have to call in my sister's help or do them on my own. I don't know how brave I'll be yet. If I do them on my own, I won't be able to get them all at once like the Exfactor does. I'm not strong enough to haul that many groceries around on the bike. 

First I've got to enjoy the fact that today is Saturday and a day off. I'm going back to bed in a while to finish sleeping and I hope to sleep late. I will have to miss whatever cultural programs are going to be on television. I only have visions of going back to bed now and I'm yawning. It will be nice to make it a leisurely morning as far as the dog is going to co-operate with that. He may have different plans.

I have to find some completely different clothes to wear in the morning as today it's not going to be very warm. It's only going to be 60F and we're going to have spotty showers. That means warmer clothes with long sleeves and not the skimpy things I've been wearing.

I've taken two thirds of the clothes out of my closet as being to big to wear. It's been decimated. I'll slowly have to build up a wardrobe again. 

Right, I'm off to bed. I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

When you don't know any better...

Yesterday evening I watched inane television. Since it was Saturday evening, it was the only kind of television to watch. It is not thought that intelligent people watch television on a Saturday evening. It is expected that they are all otherwise engaged. Apparently only dull and desperate people watch television on Saturday evenings.

It was one way to pass the evening and I pretended to care very much and be interested. I watched it while I slowly ate my dinner in stages. That takes me a while and is a good distraction. I also played with the dog and petted the cat who decided to come lie on my lap. I do have other things to keep me occupied while I try not to get too disgusted by what is offered for my entertainment. 

The other option is turning the television off, but that is too silent and then I wouldn't have anything to be exasperated with. Luckily, there are only commercials in between the programs, otherwise they would drive me crazy too. There are very few amusing ones and some of them make me want to throw a brick through the screen. Fortunately, I don't have a brick handy. 

Some of them are an insult to my intelligence. But you can walk away from them until the next program starts and go to the toilet or be otherwise engaged. At one point, I just turned the darn thing off and went to bed and listened to the radio instead, which was broadcasting a football game between Milan and Rome. Some days you can't win. Luckily, I was tired enough to fall sleep quickly, so I was spared most of that.

The only reason I was tired enough was because I had taken my 'fall asleep medicines' and once those stopped working, I was awake again. As I became conscious, I was writing a blog post in my mind, the gist of which I don't remember now. That's how much it occupies my mind in the middle of the night. I compose blog posts as I wake up. Beethoven must have composed music in his sleep. I assume he had pen and paper handy. 

I forgot to call the hairdresser yesterday to make an appointment while it was really necessary that I do. Now I'll have to wait until Tuesday because they are closed on Monday. I have a terrible head of hair that needs a lot of hairspray to keep it in place. The dog leaves the bathroom when I apply it and waits in the hallway. He doesn't do that when I apply my deodorant. Of course, I don't use copious amounts then. 

The cat escaped into the stairwell yesterday and stayed away for half an hour. Finally she showed up at the front door again where she waited patiently until I opened it. She does once in a while look for an opportunity to make her escape. I don't know what she does in the stairwell but she always goes way to the top. I refuse to chase her and always rightly guess that she'll show up again. Every once in a while she escapes though the outside door, but she just walks around the block end enters the apartment through the cat flap in the back door as if it is no problem. Luckily, she is a bright cat. 

The dog doesn't know what to do with himself when the cat has escaped. He thinks it's weird and misses her because he knows she's gone through the front door. He keeps going there to see if she's not back yet. Then when I let her in, he pretends that he won't let her and tries to push her out again as if he's not happy with her company. God forbid she should not show up one day. He'd miss her badly.

It's with some amount of reluctance that I bring this to an end. I don't want to make this too long and I have to think about going to bed. I am yawning, so maybe I'll be asleep again in no time. There's always the radio to listen to. I'm sure there will be no football games on now. 

We're still expecting some rain today and it will be most welcome, I just hope there will be enough to really make a difference. A really good shower should do. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Alertness at the wrong time...

I'm not at all supposed to be awake now, but the dog climbed on top of me while I was sound asleep and started being grumpy at me as if he wanted me to wake up in a hurry and I did. I tried to push him off, but he was insistent that I get up. He pulled the duvet right off me and pushed his nose against my body in effort to get me to move.

I finally had to get up out of bed before he was satisfied and he settled down as soon as I had gotten a cup of coffee and sat down behind the computer. Isn't he quite the character? He's sound asleep now in the armchair as if he had nothing to do with me being up. He's as innocent as a newborn baby. 

He didn't want anything else. He didn't want to go out for a piddle or want a treat or a fresh drink of water. He just seemed to want me to be up. Apparently he appreciates my watchful company. It probably makes him feel more secure. Maybe he doesn't like to feel alone in the dark. Or he has gotten so used to me being up in the middle of the night that he thinks it's normal.

That leaves me sitting here in the middle of the night, slightly sleepy headed and with some empty time to fill. I usually know how to take care of that. A post is quickly written. Or as slowly as I want. I can take all the time in the world to do it. All I have to do is make sure that I'm up at 9 o'clock in the morning when my psychiatrist is going to call me. 

I mustn't miss that call. I'll have to set the alarm clock for it so I will be coherent when he does call. I have to make sure that I've had a few cups of coffee before I talk to him. The worst thing in the world is talking to someone on the phone right when you've woken up. You are so vulnerable when you do and you can't think straight yet. They've really got you at a disadvantage. 

At least I went to bed at a decent time last night. I got my pajamas on early and watched a consumer program on TV, but it was only mildly interesting. I guess I'm supposed to get outraged every week, but I've ceased to be because nothing surprises me anymore. They do have to find new items every week to air on their program. 

It does go to show you how much there's screwed up in this country, but I can't get excited about everything. We live in a banana republic. Things that don't work well here have been resolved perfectly well in surrounding countries and we're just muddling along, especially with the government of major cutbacks that we have now. All we have to do is look how they're done across the border. And successfully so. 

Don't get me started. All things lead to politics. Badly done politics.

I mustn't get bogged down in that and focus my vision on a totally different subject. I'll talk about the weather instead which was decidedly cold yesterday, although the sun was shining all day. There was a cold wind blowing from the north east and it was only 15C. I needed both my cardigan and my jacket when I went outside to walk the dog. 

The weather is going to slowly improve by the end of the week and it will be a little warmer by the weekend. I don't mind if it's cold as long as I'm dressed for it. The fact that the sun shines makes it easier. It stays light late now and the days last long. This pleases me very much and I'm happy for all the hours of daylight. I wouldn't mind a bit of rain, especially because there are wildfires here and there. These are started by opportunistic arsonists who are hard to catch. 

The fires get started on the moors and they smolder underground in the peat for a long time, even when it looks like they have been put out. They need infra red cameras to see where the fire is still alive and tackle it there. They use firetrucks and helicopters with big water bags to fight the fires.

That's about as interesting as I can get right now. This post has gotten long enough anyway. I mustn't bore you. I will go and find some other way to amuse myself right now because I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. Hopefully, something joyful will pass my path. 

I hope you're all having a good night or are about to. I hope your weather is treating you right and that your government is also. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying not to be too shallow...

It's the same setting as it usually is: the middle of the night and me in it with a cup of coffee and lots of silence. I wouldn't want to change anything about the formula, though it does become very repetitive as a description of my situation. I could just leave it out and not even describe it, but that does not seem right somehow. I do want to give you some idea of the circumstances I find myself writing under. I need it as a preamble to the rest of the story, although that is a very simple one. 

I spent a good deal of the day sleeping. I slept the whole morning after I went back to bed after being up half the night. I didn't get up until it was almost noon. I didn't feel bad about this and certainly didn't feel as if I had wasted half of the day. I like sleeping because I don't do enough of it at night, so whatever sleep I get in the morning is most welcome. 

I spent a long time drinking coffee before I felt I could function and get dressed and walk the dog. By that time, he was more than ready to go and his patience had worn thin. He had been out back for a piddle, but that's not the same thing as going for a walk. 

I dressed warm, because it was a cold and dreary day. I wore a double layer of clothes and my jacket and a scarf, although the last item may have een a bit overdone. I was very nice and warm anyway and not bothered in the least by the chilly wind. I had vowed not to feel cold anymore after the weather had been so beautiful, so I'm taking all these measures not to. 

Call me a spoiled Western European woman, but I don't want to be cold anymore after this winter and having felt the premature warmth of the early spring. So, when the sun didn't appear to warm up the living room through the windows, and the temperature in the apartment stayed low, I closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater even though I was also wearing my warm, woolly cardigan.

It continued to be a dreary day and later in the afternoon, being overcome by the need to hibernate, I went to bed and took a long nap. It was ever so warm and comfortable and when I got up, the apartment was a very pleasant temperature. 

I had a cup of coffee to clear the last of the sleep from my mind and ate most of a bowl of chicken soup with pasta and shared what was leftover with the dog. Later in the evening I had chocolate pudding and a tall glass of milk. 

I watched the news, which was not that uplifting as news nowadays isn't. A policeman had been shot dead with his own gun. There were wild west scenes as the gunman exchanged fire with other policemen and the gunman was wounded. Needless to say, the police will be the subject of much scrutiny. Isn't that always the way it goes. The gunman had earlier murdered a woman and was on the run. It sounds to me like he ought to be the subject of much scrutiny.

I tried to watch more television, but I really wanted to go to bed. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally just went. I laid in bed for a while listening to the radio before I turned the light off and pulled the duvet over me. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time and slept for 4 hours until I got up again.

Now I am getting sleepy again and I'm yawning. I will have to go back to bed. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time. I can't sleep until noon. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

The silence of midnight...

I've already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can't go back to sleep afterwards because I'm wide awake by the time I've done that and let the dog out back. There's no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I'm as alert as if I've slept for hours and I'm ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 

Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I've been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don't make empty noises. 

Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn't exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I'm trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.

Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That's worthy of a whole study in itself. It's a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I'm always pleasantly surprised when there's at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 

I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I'm all caught up. I don't know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog's eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 

I appreciate the fact that I don't have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 

It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don't happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won't yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn't going to mention it at all, but it's bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 

I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost fools in April...

Today is the last day in March and tomorrow will be April Fool's Day. I hope I'm not fooled by anyone because in the past I've been gullible and fallen for it. I may be cynical enough by now not to, I don't know. I suppose it depends on who were to try it and how sincerely it was done. I will forewarn myself and with every story I hear, I will remind myself that it's April 1st and intend not to believe it. I think that's the best defense. 

I'm not a great fooler myself  and hate to tell people stories that aren't true, so I'm not about to go along with the tradition. It's probably because my mother and older sister used to tell very upsetting stories that turned out not to be true when I was a child. I never wanted to carry on that tradition. It's not the kind of joking around that I like. 

Yesterday was not a great day weather wise. It was cloudy and the sun was not out and with it, all my good intentions disappeared. It was as though most of my energy had been drained out of me and I did the least amount of chores. Whether or not it is a sunny, bright day does influence me, apparently. The gloomy weather didn't make me gloomy so much, but it made me want to withdraw inside the apartment and not do much of anything. 

I've done enough of that this wintertime and am not about to repeat it every time the weather doesn't co-operate. I have to get over that and not be so influenced by it, although it seems to have a life of its own and I don't know how much I can actually do about it.

I didn't really perk up until the end of the day and the news came on television. Not that it was anything to be happy about. You have to watch the news so critically, not that they try to influence you one way or the other, but you have to do a lot of reading between the lines and try to get more background information about the stories you hear. Radio is good for that because you hear many different points of view on the subjects. Different broadcasting groups have to share air space on Radio One so, many angles are got at and more information is given. 

It's with some amount of dread that I look forward to today because it's going to be a cloudy, rainy day. Now, I know in the past I've claimed that I liked these days, but I don't like them now. I crave sunlight. I probably preferred the relatively mild, rainy days to the snowy, cold, windy days. Maybe I felt like hibernating more then, but since we've set the clocks ahead one hour, I want nothing more then bright and long, sunny days to go out in. I do walk the dog with much more cheer when it's sunny outside. Heck, I do everything with much more cheer.

I'm going to sit down in my armchair and read my thriller before I go back to bed. It's become a nice little habit. I read in the afternoon also. Slowly but surely I'm getting through that book. Havers is being insubordinate to Linley, but it will all be for a good cause. It will help solve the case. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora