No photos...

It's about time that I write a post for this poor neglected blog. It's been a while since I turned my attention to it. It's a perfect time to do so because it's late in the afternoon on a Friday and I have just walked the dog and have nothing pressing left to do. I always plan it that way and luckily (or not) I don't have a family to cook dinner for. I suppose it would make me happy if I had a really nice family and a really nice kitchen and enough food in the refrigerator to cook dinner with. But in my wildest fantasies I am rich so it would be no problem. 

Unfortunately, I never buy any lottery tickets so the chances of me becoming rich are very small if not non-existant. I don't know if I should be like all the other optimistic people and buy them. I have a feeling that I would never win anything because I am never lucky when it comes to those kinds of things. It would probably just end up costing me precious money. I'm going to have to marry a millionaire. But who would have me? I am past my prime, after all. 

I better start thinking more cheerful thoughts. It's no good to sit here and face that sort of reality too much, it might depress me and I'm not in the mood for that. Let's talk about the weather instead and I'll tell you that it's done with the sunshine and that it's been gloomy all day. It hasn't bothered my outlook on life and I've kept my chin up helped by numerous cups of coffee. I needed those because I got up too early this morning and had a shortage of sleep all day. The caffeine kept me going. 

The domestic help was here and the Exfactor, so I didn't get a chance to take a nap but I hope I'll sleep all the better tonight. I'll be a good dog owner and walk the dog one more time before I go to bed. That is instead of letting him do a piddle out back which I normally do. I'm usually not in the mood to go out anymore at night and most of all want to put my pajamas and my bathrobe on as quickly as possible. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good and help me sleep extra well. It doesn't get dark until 10:30 pm, so I'll be safe from the bad guys.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Untying the knots...

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish spitting out the last drops of coffee so I can have a cup. I'm in need of some caffeine. I seem to be quite often lately and I don't know why I've developed this sudden urge to drink lots of cups of coffee. I just feel that it's the only way to keep my head straightened out. It's such a mess up there. It feels like there's a traffic jam taking place with several accidents and casualties. 

The dog is sitting beside me and is looking at me very urgently but he has been walked and he has kibbles in his bowl and a rawhide bone to chew on. The truth is that he's a little bit spoiled and probably wants something entirely different like an apple or a banana which I'm not going to give him. I'm just going to have to ignore him and maybe then he'll get the message. Not that I find this easy to do. 

I took a paracetamol earlier for my headache and the pain in my shoulders and neck which are all caused by stress. It's stopped working now and I really should have taken a anti-inflammatory pill which I have two left of. They work better and last longer. I suppose I should call the doctor's office and get a refill. I will take one of them now because it makes no sense to sit here and be in pain. 

The coffee tastes very good and I imagine that I'm starting to feel better but that could all be in my imagination. I have not taken a nap this afternoon because I slept through the night until a very decent time in the morning. That's almost unheard of. I did get up to go to the bathroom at some ungodly hour but I went straight back to bed and was instantly asleep again. That hasn't happened in a very long time.

The sky has been overcast almost all day but it's been very warm and it got up to 26 degrees Celsius. Now the sun is shining into the living room windows and making it warm in here too. It's very pleasant to sit here and be warm for a change. This is the hottest it has been all year so far. Tomorrow it will be a lot cooler again and it will rain. We don't have a very nce weekend ahead of us. 

The coffee has made me feel better and now I can think straight again. It's either that or because of the fact that I took my medicines a while ago. Sometimes it is hard to figure out why something changes and what is the magic ingredient. I can only do my best and try everything. The main thing is to try and stay as calm as possible under all circumstances. The one thing I must not do is to get rattled. 

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Irene

The weekend...

Having established that I'm slightly depressed, I don't feel that I have to keep up appearances and put on a cheerful face. The timing of it is actually good because I can spend this weekend nurturing it and taking care of myself in the best possible way. That means not taking on anything that requires a lot of effort or that can cause any stress. It's my intention to indulge myself and only do things that make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Although I said before that I was maybe not in need of a lot of sleep, it's something that I do want to do my share of and I think it may be one of the ways to spend my time pleasantly. I'll have to see how that develops. It's possible that the naps I imagine I'm going to take are actually not going to happen at all. Then I'll have to find other ways to pass the time as pleasantly as possible. It's pretty much up to me, whatever I think works. 

It's fairly early in the morning and I'm planning on going back to bed shortly. It is Saturday after all and I have no obligations other than taking care of the animals. I like the unstructured way I'll be able to spend the day. I don't know why I only have that feeling on the weekends because nothing prevents me from having it during the week. I suppose it being the weekend makes it more official and allowable. It's as if it is sanctioned by law. 

It was raining earlier and that made it very cozy to be inside. For a minute there was a bit of a deluge but it soon eased up again. It's supposed to rain off and on for the rest of the day so it's perfect to stay home. There's not going to be any better weather ahead until the end of next week. That's a long time to deal with rain and low temperartures.

I must not fall into the trap of thinking I have to fullfill some special duty today. Already I'm trying to justify my existence. All I have to do is just be and get through the day in one piece.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

All in the twist of a hand...

I'm having my third cup of coffee this morning because it's making me feel so good. The coffee doesn't really taste good because it's instant but I like the effect. It's making my mind sharp and helping me think straight and those are nice things to have happen to you. I've been afraid to switch to cold milk in case I get an upset stomach which is more likely to happen than when I drink coffee. Coffee is by far the safest beverage I can drink. 

I took the dog for a walk and it wasn't too cold out there. The sun was shining and the temperature was agreeable. I did have to wear my winter coat but not my gloves or scarf. My head was warm enough too, funky as it is with my latest hairdo. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a hat over it. That would have ruined the whole effect. 

I was supposed to have had an impromptu appointment this morning, but I decided to call over there on a hunch and find out if the person I wanted to see was actually there. It's a good thing I called because she was not, having fallen ill with a kidney stone. I made an official appointment for next week. Things sounded kind of hectic over there and I'm sure they wouldn't have needed me there today. Sometimes a hunch pays off. 

I'm telling myself that there's nothing wrong with today and that I can spend it as agreeably as I want and that is true. I have no real obligations and no appointments. The day is my oyster, although I hardly know what to do with it. I'm in a contemplative mood and can spend it in much silence and solitude doing nothing important. I have no high goals for the day anyway. Peace of mind is my main concern. 

I suppose that's some kind of higher ideal and I shouldn't take that too lightly. What's better than to seek peacefulness? I hope the dog and the cat are of the same opinion. It would be good if we were all on the same wave length.

I wish the weather would make up its mind because now it's overcast and gray and it looks like it's going to rain. It will be cozy enough if it does. I really don't mind. One of my favorite things to listen to is a YouTube recording of a rainshower in a forest. It lasts an hour and is extremely soothing. Whoever thought of recording these natural sounds is a genius. I also like the ones of birdsong in the early morning. 

I didn't have to take a painkiller this morning for my headache. I did take a tranquilizer. and it has probably relaxed me enough. At least the muscles in my neck aren't tight. I'm wearing my glasses constantly, although I thought for a little while that they were maybe bothering me. It turned out to bother me more to have to do without them. I just don't see well enough if I don't wear them. 

I hope you'll all have a good day whatever kind of weather you're having. 

Ciao,

Irene

Cherchez de la caffeine...

I'm having a cup of coffee after I took this afternoon's nap and was so rudely awakened by the ringing of the telephone. I was really done sleeping anyway because I had to make a phone call myself before the afternoon was over. The timing couldn't have been better. 

Usually these kinds of things work out well. As a rule to my advantage. I am lucky that way. Or I just see the positive side of everything, that's possible too. There are always more ways to look at everything. Well, not at everything. There are limits. 

The coffee tastes good but the caffeine is not starting to do its work. I'm not nearly coherent. I expected to be completely so shortly. The coffee was leftover and I just made a new pot. I'll see if that works better. It seems to me that leftover coffee doesn't deliver the punch I require to get me going. I think I've made that observation before.

I've already taken my evening's dose of medicines because I wanted to get a kick start. I tell myself this works, but I don't know if it actually does. 

I've been unable to drink milk today and every glass I've tried has upset my stomach. Needless to say this has caused me some grief because I do like my glasses of ice cold milk to quench my thirst with. It was not meant to be. I'm afraid to try it again now, but sooner or later I will be tempted by the icy coldness again. Hopefully things will go better then. 

The Exfactor put together the six drawers of the dresser and then he ran out of time. He will put together the rest of it later. I was somewhat tempted to do it myself, but then I came to my senses. There are mostly larger pieces left over and those would be hard to manhandle on my own. I'd hate to struggle with them and hurt my neck. 

I'm still using the anti-inflammatory medication for it and I'm going to use it all up, not wanting to take any chances. I'm hardly in any pain as long as I take it and I want to keep it like that.  I have the occasional ache, but I ignore it as much as possible. Mostly I try to stay relaxed and, of course, that's hard to do when you put together furniture. 

I'd hate to have to call the doctor's office to get a renewal for my perscription and tell them that I've not done the exercises. I'm notorious for not doing exercises when I have aches in my body. I'm a firm believer in painkillers. I always get over aches with their help and relaxation techniques. 

I have to end this post and walk the dog. It's that time of the day again. Luckily, it's beautiful weather outside. I don't have to wear a winter coat. 

Have a nice evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Good moods...

The day is early and I'm enjoying my cups of coffee. I've even already had some breakfast because I've discovered that coffee agrees better with me if it lands on a layer of food. It's a good idea to eat anyway because I think I'm a much happier camper for it, although I'm usually in a good mood in the morning. I don't sit here in short supply of good spirits. Even if the weather is bad like it is now, I still feel cheerful enough. 

Maybe that is because the dog is sound asleep and apparently not in need of a walk yet. I don't have to worry about getting dressed and going out there. I can sit here and take my sweet old time. The coffee tastes all the better for it and so do my cigarettes and while I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, I do want to enjoy the small pleasures in life. 

I want to say, thenk goodness that it's Friday and that the weekend is coming up, but I didn't enjoy the last weekend at all and I don't know why I should be happy about it. It must be an old habit that is hard to break. 

I am in a way looking forward to the laziness of the weekend and to the TV programs that I'll watch which are always more interesting than they are during the week. I always get some chores done too, so the weekends do have some function and depth. It's not as if they are complete wastes of time. 

Today the Exfactor will be here if the weather does not prevent him from riding his bike over. He will have to take his chance between showers. He does have proper rain gear and he's a pretty tough customer who's not afraid of getting a little wet. Still, I would not wish for him to get drenched in one of the heavy showers that sometimes come down.

The domestic help will be here too, cleaning the apartment well enough so that I will only have some other chores left to do such as laundry and changing the bed and doing the dishes. It's great when somebody else does the tough jobs that can cause so much frustration. This domestic help is very cheerful and often sings while she works. It does set the proper tone. 

I've got to hop in the shower and get ready. It has stopped raining and the weather looks better right now. I've got to take my chance and walk the dog. 

Have a nice day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Just make some coffee, woman!

Not too long ago, I was in a terrible mood. It felt like the world was coming to an end. I got up from my nap and felt devastated. I was literally in a number one depression and didn't know how to get out of it. I sat in my armchair with a glass of milk and just felt awful. I wondered what in the world had happened during my nap that I felt this way and why my day had suddenly ended up like that. 

Of course, what I didn't do was make a pot of coffee because that would have lifted my spirits soon enough. I was in such bad shape that it didn't dawn on me until a few hours later after I had suffered quite a bit. For some reason it actually did get through to me at one point to make a pot and once I did have a cup of coffee, I startted to feel a lot better. By the time I had my second cup, I was my usual cheerful self and all was well with the world. 

That just goes to show you what a benevolent chemical caffeine is for me and how I can't do without it at certain times of the day. I would still be in bad shape if it weren't for those cups of coffee. I might be contemplating all sorts of things now that I don't even want to think of. Thank god I did have the caffeine and that I was smart enough to make the coffee because I was almost in too much of a stupor to do that. I was saved by my instincts that finally kicked in.

The weather has been horrible today. It has been storming with a terrible strong wind blowing rain and hail sideways and thunder and lightening on top of that. I've been outside as little as I could and the dog has had to go out back mostly. The weather is very unpredictable and it does clear up for a few minutes at the time, only to suddenly become horrid again the next. Hopefully, this will all clear up by tomorrow, but I'm not sure if the rain will stop. 

I'm very comfortably seated here early in the evening and I'm glad the day is done. I feel that I'm just now coming to life. It was sort of a wasted day. I think the storm unsettled me and I didn't like the way the wind hit the rain against the windows. It's now temporarily quiet outside and it is very enjoyable. I've just turned on the heater and it's nice and warm in here. 

I very much like my new skinny jeans. They are very comfortable and they fit well and have enough stretch in them to allow easy movement. I certainly got the size right and will know from now on which ones to get. This brand is very good and relatively inexpensive. It's also nice to be able to order them online.and have them delivered the next day. I must also have a very easy size because the length of the legs is just right. It's nice when you can count on that.

The style that I've got my hair combed in now is much better than how I had it before. I can sleep on this hair and wake up looking decent. I hardly have to do anything to it to get it in shape and I don't have to use so much hairspray.. I've got it parted on the other side and it covers my thin spot better. That's my secret., by the way. Don't tell anyone. My hair looks fuller and is more manageable. I never tried this before, but wish I had. It's a real discovery. It's going to be so much easier to let it grow out now. 

I didn't wear any make up today and that's against my own rules. I didn't feel like getting all gussied up. For some reason, I liked myself well enough without it. Besides, I didn't go anywhere today. Putting on mascara is the hardest because of the low volume of eyelashes that I have left. They used to be thick and long, but as I've gotten older, they've gotten thinner and shorter. I think this is very unfortunate and one of the drawbacks of middle age. There ought to be a law against this sort of thing.

I hope you'll all have a good evening and better weather than we're having. 

Ciao,

Nora

The shutters of my mind are closed...

I'm temporarily shut off from my good feelings. I hope it's temporary and not a permanent condition. I'd hate to go through life this way. I really do see things in shades of gray now and black is another prominent color. Lord knows that they are not attractive shades of color to see your life in. I need something brighter than this. 

Let's blame it on the absence of sunlight. It has been dreary all day and cold too. The sky has been overcast and gray and it has been raining. Not exactly the kind of weather to feel optimistic about. 

I know that's not really the reason for my bad mood, but I'm pretending it is. I'd have to dig deep within myself to find the real reason and that may be too much work. Normally I'm all for analyzing myself, but something is witholding me now. Call it my angry little stubborn streak. I feel very ornery at this moment.

Chances are that I'll talk myself right out of it if I sit here long enough. I know I can never stay permanently grumpy. But I don't know if I'm only grumpy or if there's somthing more the matter. I suppose I'll know that tomorrow when I get up and start a new day. Now is not the time to know for sure. 

You shouldn't pay any attention to me. I probably got out on the wrong side of the bed when I got up from my nap earlier this evening. I had been to see my sister and got home late in the afternoon and was very tired. I took a nap when it was not really a good time to take one. I'm a little bit off schedule as a result. 

You see how I can trivialize my bad mood and make it not at all important anymore. It doesn't even deserve the words I'm wasting on it. 

I think I will go and eat some dinner now. I need to feed my body. I can't live on ice cold milk alone. It did taste very good, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dawdling...

I should be out walking the dog now, but I'm drinking a delicious cup of coffee and feeling generally good mooded so I'm loathe to get off my butt. I refuse to accept that it's that time of the evening again and that I have to fulfill my duty. Besides, the dog is sound asleep on the floor beside me and doesn't seem in the least interested in going out. It will wait until later. 

First I'm going to sit here and take advantage of the moment. It is too good to let go to waste. I don't very often get that super peaceful feeling anymore during the day and I do want to hold on to it while I can. I'm afraid that if I get up and start moving around, it will disappear as snow for the sun. I hold it as if it is a precious gift. As if it is something very fragile. I don't want to break it into a hundred fragments. 

Outside it is gray and cool and slightly windy. It's the kind of weather I don't mind at all. Some drops of rain fell even. They were just a few, but even so. At least I get to wear some decent clothes and I don't have to walk around skimpily dressed. The windows are still open and fresh air is coming in through them. I hope that the smoky smell will disappear quickly, although it's not as bad as it has been in the past. It helps if there's a bit of a draft. 

The coffee tastes especially good. I made a strong pot of it having just woken up from a nap a while ago. I wasn't sure what time of day it was when I woke up and was slightly disappointed when I realized that it was only late in the afternoon. For some reason I expected it to be in the middle of the night. I must have been completely discombobulated. I think I was even dreaming. The coffee has wakened me up quite nicely and now I'm back to my full senses. Sometimes I get the proportions of ground coffee and water just right. 

It's nice to be in a peaceful mood. I feel like I'm having a Zen moment and it's lasting a while. It's like being infused with happiness for no good reason at all. It just came out of the blue, although I'd like to know what made it come about so I can have a repeat of the experience. But first I'll enjoy it as much as I can. I do have to stay in the moment. Infusions of peacefulness and happiness are always welcome. It doesn't matter where they came from. It's making them last that counts. 

It's slowly getting dark in the living room. It will be time to turn the lights on shortly. The evenings do start earlier all the time and with it true fall will come. It's already in the air today after all that warm weather. I'm curious to see when I'll have to start wearing my winter coat. I'm glad I bought it when I did. I'm more than ready for any kind of weather and I've got the boots for it too. I won't be caught unawares. 

I've got to take my peaceful mood and go walk the dog with it before it really gets dark. It will be nice to be outside in the cool air for a while. It will cheer me up tremendously, not that I really need any cheering up. I will add another dimension to my mood. The dog will be most happy to go outside and walk through the fallen leaves. We will both benefit from the fresh air. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

For the sake of a cup of coffee...

It was a peaceful Saturday and it went by quickly. It's already evening and it's starting to get dark outside. No doubt that is partially due to the rain clouds that have moved in. 

It's supposed to rain a little during the night, but you won't hear me complain about that. I like a little rain now and then, especially when I'm lying in bed and I can listen to it through the open window. 

The wind has picked up and there's a nice draft blowing through the apartment.  The wind is coming from the west and that's where our weather is coming from. It's from England, so whatever kind of weather they had, we are getting next. In the fall, that usually means rainy and windy weather. 

I just walked the dog and I do have to remember that a brisk walk energizes me.  I felt better when we got back to the apartment than before we left and whatever cobwebs were in my head, were completely blown away. 

We had walked quickly because the dog was in a hurry the whole way. Sometimes he gets that way and he acts like he's chasing something. I have a hard time keeping up with him because he hardly dallies anywhere. We just go. He leads and I follow. It's like a slapstick movie. 

But it does energize me and I always feel good afterwards and I think what a lot of good exercise does and that I really should get more of it. Then I remember that I'm physically too lazy and that I like sitting in my armchair. I exercise my arm by drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of milk. 

I changed my bed and celebrated it by taking a nap in it this afternoon. I do need to recharge my batteries regularly. All the mental activity that I engage in wears me out. I live in my head too much. A nap is a break from my own thoughts. 

I'm caught up on all my chores and the apartment is amazingly clean and organized. I've got to hang up a load of laundry to dry in a little while. The washing machine just got done. Hanging up laundry is one of my favorite things to do.

The dog thinks he wants to go out again and maybe for the sake of the exercise I should take him. I think I will wait until it's bedtime and make sure he's all set for the night.

I've got to watch the news and be informed about the world. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbound and untethered...

The great thing about being unburdened of a depression is that you don't dread the day to come. You can go to sleep at night in a fairly restful state of mind and know that the next day is not going to be one in which you will be fighting a battle with yourself and the elements around you. A battle which you are going to lose and which is going to cause you all sorts of stress. 

Relieved of my depression because of the regular use of tranquilizers, I now feel pretty secure at any time of the day and night. I don't worry anymore that I'm not going to be able to cope because I can look forward to a lot of peacefulness and the knowledge that I'll make it through the day fairly unscathed. 

The fact that I will be safe in my own company makes me feel very secure. I no longer have to try and escape from myself and my own thoughts and find my solace in sleep. My thoughts are very benign now and don't harm me. I no longer have them hanging over me like so many dark clouds. 

Speaking of dark clouds, we've had enough of those around lately. Yesterday we had nothing but and it rained every now and then. We don't need the rain, so it is completely superfluous and we could actually do with a week of sunshine and warm temperatures. There seem to be none in the forecast. 

When I visited my sister yesterday afternoon, I wore two layers of clothing and my jacket and a scarf. I had to ride my bike over there. There was a cold wind blowing and I had to ride into it going over there. Luckily, it did stay dry, but the sky looked threatening all afternoon. 

We did sit in the garden for a little while all bundled up and looked at what flowers were blooming now and which ones were all done. Some plants are thriving in all the rain, but others are not doing all that well. They seem to like drier conditions, but the ground is soaked.

The herbs are doing great and my sister uses them for cooking. She cooks Italian a lot and vegetarian and uses the herbs to give the dishes the extra flavor.

It was good to come home again and see the dog and sit in quiet solitude for a while in my armchair before I took him for a walk. I so very much appreciate the time on my own again. I only need a little bit of socializing, though I could not do without. I like it when other people do most of the talking and I do the listening because I don't have that much to say. I should always be around talkers. 

I did the last of my chores in the evening and stayed up as long as I could, although I wanted to go to bed much earlier. I didn't want to upset my schedule, but in a way I do every night. At least I'm steady about it. 

Now it's time to finish sleeping. I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. I only have the domestic help coming here this afternoon. That's more than enough. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Green tea with lemon...

It's in the middle of the night and I'm drinking green tea with lemon. The reason that I am is because I'm almost out of coffee and I want to save the little bit that I do have for in the morning when I'm really going to need it. For when my brain will be screaming for the caffeine.

The tea is actually working out quite nicely and making me feel very good. I have no complaints about it at all. Of course, I take it with sugar to make it more potable and I realize that's cheating a little bit. True tea lovers would not take sugar in their tea. They would want to drink theirs unadulterated. They probably have purer souls that I do or more rarefied taste buds.

Whatever...the tea is making me feel good enough to be able to write a post, although it may turn into a silly post. If it does, I will drink tea in the middle of the night more often. Besides, I have no reason to write a serious post and I'm not in the mood for it either. I've done enough of that lately. It's time to lighten up.

Having written that, I'm momentarily stuck for words and I think I'm having writer's block. I must ignore that and pretend that I have something to say anyway.

I will tell you about the weather yesterday which, after a bad start, was good for the second half of the day. It was actually warm enough to go out in it without a jacket and the sun was shining. That is such a rarity these days that it is worth mentioning.

I had to go out in it to see my SPN with whom I had an appointment for 45 minutes. I took up only 25 minutes of her time, because that's all the time I needed to say what I wanted to say. Nothing was very complicated and I came to my conclusion quickly. I didn't feel the need to prolong the session. 

I was home in no time at all and had the good fortune to be able to take a nap with the animals on the bed. We sure all appreciated that. I personally like nothing better than taking naps. I think that's all I do anyway, take longer or shorter naps. That's how I sleep.

I think I will go back to bed now and see if I can sleep some more. I'm most definitely not wide awake from drinking coffee. It does make a difference if you don't. I didn't even have to drink a glass of ice cold milk to get to this state. I'm drowsy all by myself. 

I hope you're having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Fake it until you make it...

I took two tranquilizers a while ago and I've been sitting here waiting for them to work before I got down to the business of writing a post. I want to write a good humored post and not one steeped in seriousness and sorrow. There's no need for that, but I did need to get rid of a little bit of stress. It's better to feel as relaxed as possible and I did have permission from my psychiatrist to use the tranquilizers as I needed them.

I'm sitting here in a dimly lighted living room. Outside it has just started to rain again like it has been on and off all day. Luckily, I managed to stay nearly dry when I had to go out in it. I only got sprinkled on a little bit. I did get a wet bottom from my bicycle seat, but that was the least of my worries. It dried in no time at all. That's what happens when your bike is parked outside during a rain shower and you have nothing to wipe your seat off with.

I've walked the dog and the wind was blowing hard. It wasn't a real pleasure to be out there. It would have been if I had been dressed warmer maybe. It feels like autumn outside. It's only 59F and it's August. It's as cold as it gets in San Francisco in the summertime.

Right, so I have seen my psychiatrist and it was a very tough visit. He said I was severely depressed. I exposed all the negative feelings imaginable and he showed the patience of a saint until I became more reasonable. He has increased my antidepressants, although I told him that I had no faith in them. He said that it was the only option available right now. We are not going to mess with other medication. It would upset my equilibrium, but I said it was already upset. Ha ha!

He is a tough cookie, this psychiatrist. He is as stubborn and all knowing as I am. He really does know his business. I'm at his mercy. When he says no, he means no.

All I can hope for is improvement and I know it takes time. I have to be patient and think long term and not take the short view. I have to act like everything is okay until it is. That means stepping outside myself and not dwelling on everything that's wrong. It means ignoring a lot of things. It's pretty much what I've been doing all along. I'm good at that. 

I've got to go and watch the news. There's lots going on in the world. Even I know that. You can't close your eyes to it. Much as I'd like to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Cups of comfort...

Since today is Sunday, and truly a day of rest, I will change my bed and do a load of laundry. I will also do the dishes and pay whatever bills there are. Isn't that a great plan for a day of rest? Somehow it seems easier to do those things today and don't ask me why. There's no rhyme or reason for it. I'm full of contradiction. You may have noticed that by now.

It's probably an effort on my part to take the sacredness out of the weekends. I don't want them to be so special anymore. I had my lazy day of indulgence yesterday, when I did almost nothing but sleep (I blame that on the depression and the increase of the medication). But I don't want to have another lazy day today when it is allowed. Today I want to be active.

Of course, it's easy for me to speak in the middle of the night when I'm always quite perky. It's another matter altogether during the day when I actually have to get into action. I have been known to fall by the wayside then. Daytime and I don't seem to get along so well. It seems I'm a nighttime person and have all my energy and spontaneity when I'm supposed to be asleep.

It must be because of those excellent cups of coffee I make. But I have them during the day too and they don't have the same effect then. I probably have an aversion to daylight. It's a mystery to me. I have daytime depression and nighttime perkiness. Well, it isn't quite as black and white as that. There are gray areas.

I mustn't get bogged down in my bipolarity. I'd like to think of myself as more multi-faceted than that, although I am a person of opposites. I do at times walk the middle line. I do on occasion have moments like that. Very often these moments involve the dog and the freedom of boundaries I feel in my interaction with him. There's a total loss of inhibitions when I play with him or otherwise communicate or cuddle. Animals are good for that.

I've had enough coffee now and am switching to cold milk. No doubt that will be a shock to my braincells. The coldness of the milk will shock them into action. I may tell you a whole new story. When I went to get the glass, I bumped my bad knee into the wooden frame of the armchair. That was not such a nice encounter. I still feel the after pain of it. I think that was a bad move.

I didn't stay up to watch last night's thriller because it was on too late. I do dislike that about Saturday night's thriller. I hardly ever manage to stay up and always want to go find my bed before that time. It's only on a rare occasion that I stay up long enough. It's a shame because it's the Swedish 'Wallander' and I do like that series.

It's going to be a partly cloudy day today with the temperature at 64F. At least we'll see some sunshine and that has been a while. Real summer weather is predicted in a couple of days from now and I can't wait. July has been the gloomiest month. I will still wear warm clothes today, but tomorrow it's supposed to be 78F, which is a real improvement. The fact that the sun will shine will be most important though. 

I think I will go back to bed. My brain has been sufficiently frozen into inaction by the ice cold milk and I can hardly think of another thing to write. I will lie in the semi-darkness and listen to the radio with my trusty dog by my side. He's got a new rawhide bone that he will very noisily chew on. It doesn't keep me awake. It's a familiar sound.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Ever so slowly...

I was so cold last night, that I closed all the windows and turned on the heater. I put my pajamas on and my old gray cardigan and went to bed early because I was also very sleepy. I was ever so comfortable and warm under the duvet and sound asleep in no time at all. The dog and the cat accommodated me and also went to sleep.

I woke up several hours later with a head of sweaty hair, but I was well rested. That sleep was just what I had needed and I felt like a new woman. I let the dog out back and made a pot of coffee and turned off the heater. Needless to say, it was quite warm in here by that time and it was a bit stifling. It felt like I was in the tropics.

I opened up the bedroom windows again for some fresh air and immediately felt the difference. There's a gentle cooler draft, but it's not cold and uncomfortable like it was earlier. It's a clear starry night and there's no wind or rain. Today it will be cloudy again and cold autumn like weather. We should have the nighttime weather during the day. It would be wonderful to have a clear blue sky. I think I miss the sunshine.

I've had my cups of coffee and am now switching to ice cold milk. What a pleasure that is. No doubt I'll start yawning soon and it will be time to go back to bed. I have nothing of significance planned for today, except to walk the dog as often as I can and to do a load of laundry. I have to attend to the mail too. My favorite job.

I'll make myself comfortable in my armchair at some point and read my novel. I never did get around to that yesterday. You do have to be in the proper state of mind for that. You must have the ability to concentrate and yesterday I was short of that. I was also tired all day long and kept feeling like I had to take naps. I wished for a very luxurious bed. A bed fit for a queen. That's one dream I have to make come true one day. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The beguiling early morning...

I've just about had my cups of coffee and I'm more than awake and functioning. It is early in the morning and in a little while it will be dawn and the first birds will start to sing. At least, I hope they don't change their minds in this somewhat gloomy weather. It is going to be an overcast day with showers. 

I've been up for a little while because the dog barked and I had to silence him immediately for the sake of the neighbors. Needless to say, this caused me to be wide awake like it always does. It always startles me out of a sound sleep. It's a bad habit the dog has. 

It's not really all that bad to be awake now because I have a few chores to do before the day starts properly and putting out the trash is one of them. As usual, I forgot to do that last night. I can do it in just a little while before the trash men get here bright and early. I've got the bag all ready to go. All I have to do is haul it outside to the curb. 

I feel better now, but looking back, I can say that I had about four bad days when things weren't going well with me. Maybe it was for even a longer period of time and I was outshouting myself. I may have been uncomfortable with myself for as long as a week. I'm starting to feel back to 'normal' now. 

It necessitated me taking extra medication to make it through the day and I really thought that I was in it for the long haul. This was beside the increase that I had already made. I did discuss this with my psychiatrist and although he wasn't thrilled about it, he allowed it as long as it was necessary. I didn't need it yesterday and maybe now I can get back to the regular dose.

It's awful to be unbalanced and to feel that you are losing the direction over your daily life. To feel that you are entering a state of madness when you seriously doubt your own reasoning powers and your ability to make clear deductions about your thoughts. All roads lead you to the wrong place and that is into the dark hole where there is confusion. 

I don't feel that way now. I can think clearly again. 

It is my own sister who deduced yesterday that I always do badly when she is gone. She had just come back from a week in Italy and I think she is right. I think subconsciously I get very insecure when she is gone. I miss the daily contact that we have on the phone and the knowledge that she is very close by when I need her. If I need her. 

It's dawn now, but for some reason I have not heard the birds sing. Maybe I missed the early concert completely. I have switched to drinking cold milk and very welcome that is too. The dog is sitting in front of the window waiting for the trash men to come by. He does know the Monday morning ritual after having watched me put out the bag. 

I've got to choose my clothes for today and they have to be warm. It's not going to be such a comfortable day outside. The temperatures will be low and there will be wind. I will walk the dog early and then I will tackle the chores. 

The other night, I watched the film 'Angels and Insects' on YouTube. Now I've seen the film before I've finished the book. I'm still interested in the book because I'm sure lots of detail was left out in the film. 

I didn't realize that you could watch whole movies on YouTube and I wonder which other ones are available. I know that the very first 'Harry Potter' is on there. I am going to see what other kinds of movies I can find there that I'm interested in.

Right, I'll get the show on the road. I hope you'll all have a good day. Low pressure systems notwithstanding. 

Ciao,

Nora

Feast or famine...

I haven't for the past two nights felt funny anymore and that's, I think, because I wake up prematurely. Tonight I woke up because the cat was licking my head with her rough tongue. It was a strange thing to wake up to, but rather pleasant once I realized what the sensation was. I laid very still so she wouldn't stop. 

Of course, after a while she did and moved on, so I got up and made myself some coffee. I'm waiting for it to put some oomph into my life as I sit here rather listlessly. I'm awake, but not functioning well enough. I'm counting on the caffeine to bring some difference to that.

I didn't have a very rewarding day yesterday. I went back to bed early in the morning without setting the alarm clock and I slept past both my appointments. I didn't wake up until a quarter past noon when it was too late for even the last one. 

At least I got all the sleep I needed and that was a good thing because I was in dire need of it. I had been dragging my butt for a couple of days. In the afternoon I even took a long nap and if the cat hadn't woken me up, I'm sure I would be asleep now. I made sure I set the alarm clock before I went to bed last night because I have a new appointment with my psychiatrist at 11 am. I mustn't miss that one. 

Actually, it wasn't such a very unrewarding day yesterday. It was just a very low key day. It rained for most of it, which didn't bother me too much, except for when I had to walk the dog. We did get a little wet and cold. The rest of the day, at least the part that wasn't spent sleeping, went by quickly. The day was over in no time at all. 

I watched a very satisfying episode of 'A Touch of Frost' and started reading a new book: 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt. I've always liked her novels and hope to enjoy this one as well. She's a very intelligent writer. The first novel I ever read of her was called 'Possession.' I recommend it for beginners. This novel I have now came from my bookcase from the hoard of books I haven't read yet. It is nice to be in 'possession' of all those books and have my pick.

I need to look through the mail from the last couple of days and see what that's all about, but I'm loathe to do it. I keep putting it off. I'm always afraid that people will want money from me. There's only so much to go around. It's a pain in the neck to get unexpected, official looking mail. You try to determine by the look of the envelope what will be in it, but it is impossible. The only thing to do is to be brave and open it up. 

For one day today the weather is actually going to be nice, but it is an exception. The sun will be shining and there will be no rain. The temperatures will be decent and there will be no cold wind like there was yesterday. After that there will be rain again. 

It is a very strange summer and we've had no hot weather to speak of since May. People are booking last minute vacations like crazy. Double the amount that they were last year.

I need to go back to bed to sleep for a few more hours. Not that I'm now sleepy or anything. I may get so once I'm under the duvet. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetfulness...

I was up during the night because the dog woke me up with his barking. I wasn't meant to be up and and even two cups of coffee didn't wake me up properly. I needed to go back to bed as soon as I had settled down the dog again, which took a while. 

I started to write a blog post, but I was not in the proper mood to complete it. I deleted what I had written because I thought it was a bunch of nonsense. It was about nothing at all and didn't matter one bit. I felt it was unworthy of being published, though I have that feeling often. 

I went back to bed some time early in the morning and slept for a long time, but the dog slept even longer than I did. It took numerous cups of coffee before I came to my senses. I was very uptight when I first got up. Luckily, that feeling has dissipated now. I feel like I'm more relaxed again.

I walked the dog and even though it is overcast, it is warm outside and I was almost dressed too warm. Seeing as though it is Sunday, there was no one outside, but it is possible that a lot of people are on vacation now because the schools are out. 

I have to change the bed and do a load of laundry and the dishes. This is in preparation to tomorrow when the domestic help will be here. I always seem to have chores to do on Sunday, but that's because I leave everything until the last minute. I work well under pressure. 

Thank goodness that tonight there's a thriller on. That's something to look forward to anyway. It will be on early too so I don't have to go to bed too late like I did last night. No doubt that accounted for my sleepiness because I didn't take an afternoon nap, nor will I today.

I'm wearing my loose fitting jeans and they are so comfortable. I feel I can move in them any which way and not get into breathing difficulties. I can bend over double and still be alright. I can touch my toes and not pop out of them. It's a miracle that I can touch my toes at all. 

Right, I'm off.

I hope you're all having a splendid Sunday and the weather you want. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dreaming of the good guys...

It's very early in the morning and the first birds have not yet started to sing. I've had two cups of coffee and am now drinking my third one. For some reason they taste extra good this morning and they are even quenching my thirst. They are also making me feel nice and warm on the inside and I'm sitting here in my pajamas without my bathrobe on. 

It was cool during the night and it isn't going to be such a warm day. I like the coolness at night and sleep better for it. I don't mind so much what the temperature is during the day, as long as it's not too hot. I don't think we're in danger of that this coming week. It's going to be summery, but not too warm. It will be pleasant to be outside. 

Because the fields have been mowed again, there aren't any interesting wildflowers growing there right now. The grass is kept cut short. There are still tall red poppies in the flowerbeds, but that's about it. There's nothing exciting to discover. I look in vain for something new, but all there is is white clover that grows very close to the ground and that is not cut down. The interesting ground cover with the purple flowers has been completely decimated. It was better when the fields were neglected during the drought. Nobody cared what was growing there then. 

Last night I watched a very good episode of 'Sebastian Bergman.' It was interesting because you get to know the character better with each episode and learn to find him a little more sympathetic. There's nothing worse that disliking the main character of the plot. He's becoming more human now. The episode was very exciting and filmed well and then, of course, there was the Swedish language which I paid close attention to. It's starting to make sense. 

I watched a journalism program afterwards which touched on a bunch of political subjects, but which left me none the wiser and with more questions than I had. I suppose it was to stimulate my independent mind. I just wish I knew what to do with it. I feel hopelessly inept at changing the course of history. The 'old boys network' seems very much in place and very smug and solid too. Our liberal prime minister seems to have tight control of everything and enough support to get away with it. Liberalism here being the same thing as what conservative republicanism is in the United States. 

I will go back to bed now. My personal helper is going to be here this morning and I've got to set the alarm clock so I will get up on time. I'll have to find some decent clothes to wear too. Something I will feel pretty and comfortable in. 

I hope you'll all have a very good Monday and a Happy 4th of July if that applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Fickle blog posting...

It's a long time ago since I enjoyed a cup of coffee so much as I do this one that I'm drinking now. It hits the spot perfectly and is making me feel very cheerful. I blame it on the coffee, but it could be just me, of course. Maybe I'm in a good mood, despite the early hour of the morning, or because of it. The first birds are going to be singing soon and I'm all ready for that. 

It may also be because it's Friday and the almost start of the weekend. Never mind that I have a stack of dishes and a load of laundry to do. I'll just pretend that those don't matter. I mustn't let it affect me one bit. I'll do them with the greatest of ease as if I don't mind them at all. Friday is a good day after all. A good and kindly day. I never met a Friday I didn't like. It's almost a celebrating kind of day. 

That doesn't mean that I don't have to go back to bed to get some more sleep after I've finished writing this. I'm definitely in need of more of that. It does mean that I'll wake up in a good mood, but then I usually do, albeit that I'm a slow starter and that I have to take my time to get the show on the road. A few cups of coffee will take care of that while I watch the news on TV. There's nothing better to get your mind in gear than watching the news. It will take your mind of whatever trouble you think you may have yourself. 

Then there's the excitement of getting dressed in the best possible outfit to walk the dog in. Some thought does go into that and what weather it is outside to choose the appropriate clothes. If I didn't have the dog to take for a walk, chances are I wouldn't properly get dressed at all. It is a great motivator, so I will always need a dog to dictate me getting dressed. If only the dog knew how important he is to me. 

It's not going to be very warm today and it will be partially cloudy. That's not a good start for the first day of July. Actually, I don't mind it one bit, so I'm not complaining. At least we're not having a heatwave like we had last year. Thank goodness that we're spared that. I don't mind wearing clothes to stay warm in. I have enough of them.

I'm expecting the Exfactor to come by later this morning and I have to be sure that I'm up on time with a pot of fresh coffee. I can't receive him in a stupor in my bathrobe. I do have to be coherent to some point. I need a cup of coffee in order to carry on a conversation. He's going to get some groceries that I still need to get through the weekend and just generally pop in for a visit. It will be his usual lightning quick one. He never stays long. He just pops in and out. 

The first birds have started to sing and I think it's time for me to go back to bed. It will be lovely to get some more sleep. I've gotten chilled from drinking ice cold milk, so I need to get warm under the duvet. 

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,

Nora