Untying the knots...

I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to finish spitting out the last drops of coffee so I can have a cup. I'm in need of some caffeine. I seem to be quite often lately and I don't know why I've developed this sudden urge to drink lots of cups of coffee. I just feel that it's the only way to keep my head straightened out. It's such a mess up there. It feels like there's a traffic jam taking place with several accidents and casualties. 

The dog is sitting beside me and is looking at me very urgently but he has been walked and he has kibbles in his bowl and a rawhide bone to chew on. The truth is that he's a little bit spoiled and probably wants something entirely different like an apple or a banana which I'm not going to give him. I'm just going to have to ignore him and maybe then he'll get the message. Not that I find this easy to do. 

I took a paracetamol earlier for my headache and the pain in my shoulders and neck which are all caused by stress. It's stopped working now and I really should have taken a anti-inflammatory pill which I have two left of. They work better and last longer. I suppose I should call the doctor's office and get a refill. I will take one of them now because it makes no sense to sit here and be in pain. 

The coffee tastes very good and I imagine that I'm starting to feel better but that could all be in my imagination. I have not taken a nap this afternoon because I slept through the night until a very decent time in the morning. That's almost unheard of. I did get up to go to the bathroom at some ungodly hour but I went straight back to bed and was instantly asleep again. That hasn't happened in a very long time.

The sky has been overcast almost all day but it's been very warm and it got up to 26 degrees Celsius. Now the sun is shining into the living room windows and making it warm in here too. It's very pleasant to sit here and be warm for a change. This is the hottest it has been all year so far. Tomorrow it will be a lot cooler again and it will rain. We don't have a very nce weekend ahead of us. 

The coffee has made me feel better and now I can think straight again. It's either that or because of the fact that I took my medicines a while ago. Sometimes it is hard to figure out why something changes and what is the magic ingredient. I can only do my best and try everything. The main thing is to try and stay as calm as possible under all circumstances. The one thing I must not do is to get rattled. 

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

Dull moments in the closet...

I sit here not quite awake drinking my cup of coffee. There's fog in my head still from the nap I just took. I hope to any minute now become more clearheaded, but it may take me a while. In the meantime, I will just enjoy this state of mind to the best of my ability. It does add another dimension to my thinking capacities. The fact that they are a little impaired doen't bother me all that much. Goodness knows what I'll come up with. 

My mascara was smeared by one eye when I got up, but that was quickly fixed. I still look decent enough to go walk the dog in a little while. Besides, it is dark outside and no one will see. It's not as if I'm going out on a hot date and the dog makes no objections at all if my make up isn't on right. That's the one drawback of dogs, I do think they ought to be more critical of your looks. And more appreciative too. 

At least my nails are properly polished and my hands look decent with my rings on them. I almost look like a lady and I could be mistaken for one. I'm certainly dressed like one because I'm wearing a very ladylike dress. It comes from my closet hardly worn because it didn't fit me all that well before. It sure does look good now. Losing a few kilos made all the difference. It's a tight fitting dress, at least it was. It's a little roomier now. 

I'm glad I rediscovered it. Delving into my closet every now and then can be a rewarding experience. I always find something that I had forgotten about. I don't know if I should blame that on my bad memory or on my abundance of clothes. I don't think I have that many clothes. I do regularly take things out of the closet and put them away. I really wish I had an abundance of shoes and boots because I never seem to have enough of them. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. I would like to find boots I had forgotten about.

The coffee has woken me up to a point and it has also made me very thirsty. I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That will play some other tricks with my mind and my stomach. There's never a dull moment around here. Well, actually there are. I just refuse to recognize them as such. I just pretend they are meditative moments. I have them regularly during the day. 

I always pretend my life is more interesting than it is. I have to use my imagination a lot and care about things that are really not very important. I have to make the little things big and give them lots of meaning. That´s why I always say that you have to care about them. If you do, they will fill up your life and give it contentedness.

I have to take the dog for a walk. He´s been waiting patiently beside me. It is cold and dark outside so I will have to dress for it. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Over the hills and through the woods...

That's not really where I'm going. I just felt like saying that. It's in the middle of the night and I'm sure I'm not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 

No, I'm staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That's right here with my dog and cat. 

I've already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I've forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 

I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn't make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 

I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o'clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I'll even have to set the alarm clock.

My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I'm thrilled for her and can't wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 

She's going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it's all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can't think of one. 

The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn't have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn't seem to agree with me very well.

I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I'm planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 

It's going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I'm glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.

As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that's a shame because I'm attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There's no help for it. 

I hope you're all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Don't listen to the blues...

I'm unable to sleep, though I slept for two hours, but that's not very much in the scheme of things. I knew ahead of time that I wasn't going to be very successful when I went to bed last night. I wasn't tired enough and the only thing that put me to sleep was my 'falling asleep' pill. When it stopped working, I was wide awake again. There was nothing for me to do but to get up and install myself behind the computer and try again later. I really need a 'sleep through the night' pill, but I'm afraid I would get hooked on it and that would mean another medicine to wean myself off. Besides, I'm sure it would leave me very groggy in the mornings and that's not what I want to be.

I'll have to find ways to amuse myself while I'm up, though I think finding blog templates is not one of them. I think I've changed those often enough and I've changed the names of my blogs often enough too. I'll have to think of something else to do. I can't imagine yet what that will be and that leaves me feeling somewhat desperate. I'll have to pretend that I have a plan to proceed with.

I could sit in my armchair and read my newly started novel, but sitting behind the computer is ever so much more exciting. Things move at a speed that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a 21st century person. Reading a book seems boring in comparison. It seems like such a passive activity. There's not much activity, except for turning the pages. Oh, and using your imagination, of course.

Being up does give me the opportunity to take an Omega 3 capsule which I didn't take enough of yesterday. I'm fine with the vitamin pill, but I sometimes forget the Omega 3. I'm sure it doesn't matter when I take them, as long as I do. I want to say that I feel better since I started taking the vitamin pills, but I'm sure it's all in my imagination. I don't think I can feel an effect after just a few days. I wish there was a 'healthy brain' pill. If there is, I'm unaware of it. I'm sure you'll point it out to me if you know of one. 

I have to share my space today with the personal helper and the domestic help, both of whom I have mixed feelings about losing my privacy to. I have so enjoyed being on my own these past two days and have not been bored at all. It will be nice to get the apartment cleaned, but it isn't very dirty at all. It hasn't had the chance to become so. My personal helper will have to be entertained and I will send her away early if that turns out to be too much of a chore, unless she can be of some service to me. I have no jobs to do with her. We can walk Tyke together, though I can easily do that on my own. 

I will answer my emails and then go back to bed and try and fall asleep. I am starting to yawn now. 

I hope you're all sleeping tight and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Time to write!

 It's early in the morning and I'm completely awake and ready to go and tackle anything that's worth tackling. I've had my second cup of coffee and barely had any cobwebs in my mind when I woke up. I'm just about to pour my third cup and have a good sit down here. My sore upper back is still sore, but it isn't nearly as bad as it was yesterday. At least the sharp pain is gone and it is now a dull ache. I think one more painkiller ought to do the trick.

I've visited Facebook and did the necessary socializing there. I don't do a lot of it, but mainly keep in touch with family and relatives and the friends that are 'real' friends. People who care and keep in touch one way or the other. I do appreciate that, those little tokens of affection. A person needs all the strokes they can get. I think that's what this socializing is all about. Mutual strokes. I must get better at it myself. I do think it teaches you to be less self centered. 

I've got to go see my SPN today and I'm more than ready to. I want to continue the work that I was doing on my first marriage, but I think I made a lot of headway already. I think I can come to a rounding off now, unless I'm very mistaken and there's a lot more beneath the surface. We will see. Whatever I have done so far has helped me tremendously and I can tell that by the nature of my dreams. They are far less sad and frustrating and are taking a far different turn. I'm even starting to dream about the Exfactor now. Maybe that marriage will be next on the program, although I feel less traumatized by it. I think that maybe the Exfactor got traumatized in it more than I did. I must find out about that. 

Since today is Wednesday, my appointment with my SPN is the only one in my agenda. I will not be seeing anyone else. I will have to do some laundry and straighten out my desk. I need to go through the paperwork that's stacked on it and see what can go. There are many odds and ends lying there that need to be organized and looked at and put a way or tossed out. I also have to try and get the speakers to work on my computer, but how I'm going to do that is not clear to me yet. I will have to fiddle around with them. That's all I can do. I'm not a technical wonder. I never was taught anything about electronics and computers. Maybe common sense will apply. I do have that for practical things. 

My head is on awfully straight this morning, but I lack an enormous amount of  imagination. I seem to be all business. I can't stand it when I'm like that. When I'm only efficient and not imaginative at the same time. I suppose I'm going to tackle everything head on today, without any complicated emotions. Well, I will have my moments of clarity, I suppose, when I'm no nonsense and get straight down to business. Maybe I better take advantage of it. I may get things done that have been lying by the wayside. I guess everybody has days like that in their life when they have good sobering thoughts and get their act together. 

I thought I had temporarily misplaced my dog, but he blended in so well with the interior of the living room that I overlooked him and I just discovered him. He was so quietly asleep and not even snoring. He's always so close to me that I worry if I don't see him. He's not like Jesker who would go off on his own and go to sleep in another room. 

I had trouble seeing through my glasses, until I took them off and saw that they were very dirty, so I took a bottle of window cleaner and got them completely clean and suddenly I could see again. What a difference that made. Everything got sharper contours. Leave it to me to be so absentminded as to not have noticed that earlier. I even do amaze myself at times. My right eye is fuzzy, though, and it needs correcting. 

Right, it's time to take my medicines and get dressed. I need to take Tyke for a walk. The early morning calls me. It's cold out there.

Ciao,
Nora

In the nighttime...

I've walked Tyke for the last time and I really should put on my pajamas and bathrobe now, but I like my outfit so well that I think I will keep it on a little longer and on top of that, it is very comfortable and I also like to think that a stranger may come upon me now and be completely smitten by me. Right! I am even wearing earrings that match my clothes and I bought those along with another two pair this morning and apparently I'm not allergic to them, because I haven't started to itch yet. It didn't say hypo-allergenic on the label or anything, so I took a chance. I took great care in choosing them, because there were a lot of earrings that were, shall we say, cheap looking and I didn't want them. I do have my standards. 

There were bins with sale items going at ridiculously low prices and I got a gray scarf, a lavender camisole, a multi-colored top to go over it and a leather wallet that's bright red. On the way to the check out stand, I added two chocolate bars, because I was hungry. 

I had a lot of fun, when I got home, cleaning out my old wallet, and putting all the loose change in a jar. There were many odd bits of paper that I threw out and old business cards that I had no use for. I put all the good stuff and the pictures of my kids and grandson in my new wallet and was much pleased. Now I don't have to be embarrassed when I pull out my wallet in the store. The old one was worn and stained, but I had gotten so used to its decrepit state that I hardly noticed it. Until I saw that nice red wallet. I put my California driver's license in the place where my Dutch one would go if I had one. For sentimental reasons and to remind me that I once also drove a car. It shows nicely through the clear plastic window. 

I put on the lavender camisole and put the thin multicolored top over it. It matched well. Then I took my purple light weight long sleeved cardigan and put that on and had an ensemble along with my black harem pants and the lavender earrings. I always think of thick knitted things when I say cardigan, but I don't know what you call thin light weight things that have long sleeves and are open in the front. Is there a name for them? I have several of those. 

Suitably attired, I walked Tyke and when I came home I made cigarettes and left to go to creative class. I wore the gray scarf and my black leather jacket, because it was chilly outside, though there was watery sunshine. I had an espresso when I got to the clinic and sat in the depressing smoking area with two rather depressed looking people. There are burn holes in the furniture and the strangest people walk in and out. It's not very exclusive.

In the creative room I got out the books on Henri Moore and tried to find a good photo of a sculpture that I had not done yet. It was tough to find one that I could make of clay and that was not too complicated, but I thought I finally did and went to work. After an hour and a half I gathered the whole mass of clay together and dropped it back into a big lump, because my efforts were in vain. I could not do it anymore. I was like a little kid in kindergarten and could not make anything that looked like the photo. I was very discouraged and ready to call it quits and go to work on something else. 

The therapist intervened, however, and told me to start with something very simple and work my way up from that. He said to pretend I was beginning from scratch and had never worked with clay before. He suggested I make a flat base and start building on that with strips of clay and make shapes with them and see what would come out of it. So that's what I did, but I'm afraid that I have an acute shortage of imagination and that I just don't see the possibilities. I feel so dull witted. I'm trying to penetrate to something deeper inside myself, but  there's a huge road block.

Socially it's not going well. There's a tight group of four women and one man and they are very exclusive. The other few people there don't count. They don't exist. I don't exist either, although I make every effort to be noticed. I'm completely ignored and not even greeted. They don't acknowledge my existence, not in the creative room, nor outside of it. So, I'm not going to be there for the socializing part of it. I will have to be there purely for the creative part. That has to be successful and I have to make it work. I will have to ask for all the help I can get from the therapist.

Oh, I forgot, I was only going to write about the positive things. Well, if I am smart and I look around me at what other people do and look in some art books and make some drawings, I am sure that I will come up with some ideas and all I have to do is experiment and try things out. If something doesn't work out, I just start over again. I mustn't get discouraged. And I do get to wear nice clothes, for all it is worth, but I am going to ask about that music therapy class, because I think I'm going to need it. I need a friendly environment to move in. 

It is now past midnight and I'm not ready to go to bed. I want to be in a good mood before I go. Not that I'm in an incredibly bad mood now, but I am bothered and I have to get that out of my system. It's gnawing at my soul and I have to straighten that out. I'm having a tall glass of lemonade to help me feel better. A nice sugar high is what I need. My brain will appreciate it. 

I suppose I thought I was such a friendly and likable person, that I would have no trouble making contact and that it would all go very easily. I'm surprised at the resistance I'm meeting. It does make me feel lonely and that I need to look for another place to get my social needs met. I will have to discuss this with my SPN next week. She must know of places where that can be done. A more user friendly place where people are welcoming and embracing. 

Well, I had better go to bed. It's no good discussing this endlessly. I must get some sleep. Hopefully things will look better in the morning. 

Have a good night, or rather, a good morning when you get up. 

Ciao,
Nora