The best is yet to come...

I want to wite as normal a post as possible without trying to reflect a state of mind that doesn't exist. The problem is that I'm not exactly sure of my state of mind at the moment because I may be the slightest bit on the loopy side. That is not because of my sleep medication because I'm not under the influence of it anymore. I feel a little giddy all on my own and can't take things quite as serious as I should right now. 

Of course, it's not necessary that I do. I think I'm serious enough most of the time so that it's okay to lighten up a bit. I'd like to lighten up a lot as a matter of fact. That would really reflect my most inner state of mind. The place where my joyful child waits impatiently to be let out. I will set her free and give her the upper hand. 

I had many joyful moments throughout the day that were about nothing important at all. They were joyful because they were free of stress and worry and I could indulge myself simply in enjoying being alive in the moment. Nothingness is a great bliss. You shouldn't strive for the presence of some things, you should strive for the absence of other things. Subtraction is the greatest skill. 

Look at me suddenly taking on a serious tone while I had not planned on that. I think that must be because I've stopped drinking coffee and have switched to cold milk. It does have a tendecy to interfere with the workings of my frontal lobes. I should have poured myself a stiff drink in order to lower my boundaries and let my sense of humor speak better. I don't know how well frozen frontal lobes are going to help me in being giddy. 

I do hope I wake up in all peacefulness in the morning and set the standard for the day. It would be wonderful to have many more joyful moments in which to contemplate my navel and be free of stress and worry. 

I need to take my joyful self back to bed and finish sleeping. I am yawning now and it's because of the gosh darned milk. No, it's really because of the law of nature and people need to be asleep in the middle of the night. I'm no different than anybody else.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Irene

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.

Ciao,

Irene

Post weekend...

I'm sitting here ever so cozily in the middle of the night in my red bathrobe with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. For a while I can pretend there's not a problem in the world. Things did get awfully close this weekend with a collapsed government and a train wreck, but for now I will forget about them and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. 

I just made the dog happy with a rawhide bone. I didn't realize that he had none left to chew on. He was taking apart his little stuffed cow and had just pulled the stuffing out, so it was high time that I gave him that bone to chew on. He's a true dog and likes chewing on things more than anything. The rawhide bones do keep his teeth clean and he has very good breath. He doesn't go for a check up until August and then the vet will look to see what shape his teeth are in and if they need to be cleaned. 

The cat is sitting very indifferently on the fleece blanket that's lying folded up on the armrest of the sofa. She's got her back turned towards us to show she really doesn't care. She can be so aloof at times. It's because the dog was completely ignoring her just now when he was busy with his bone and she was trying to get his attention. I'm sure her feelings were tremendously hurt. She's sulking now and maybe not as indifferent as she pretends to be. 

I had one cup of coffee and that's all I needed to become alert. At times cups of coffee are very important to me and at other times I don't care so much and glasses of milk are more important. They seem to hit the spot better and do the work of waking me up and keeping me mellow at the same time. I never know ahead of time if they are going to agree with my stomach but tonight they are. 

I wish for it to be the weekend another day or so because I liked the days of leisure that I had. Except for the events on the news, not much exciting happened and that was fine with me. I was affected by these events and they did touch me in more ways than one. I was angry about the one and sad about the other. You can't help but have these things bother you and you do spend time thinking about them and pondering the effects of them on a group of people in specific and the country as a whole.

I must go back to bed now and finish sleeping. I'll have to eat something first because I'm hungry. I think I'll have some Greek yoghurt. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

The next day...

It just turned into the next day and I can forget about yesterday which was a boring day as Thursdays usually are. They are because I normally don't have anything planned on Thursday. That is silly of me and unforgiveable and there is no real reason for it. Why should Thursday be an empty day, for god's sake? There is the weekend ahead of me with enough spare time to do as I wish and I don't need an empty day during the week.

I was trying to change this by signing up for a creative therapy class for psychiatric patients. I had an appointment there earlier in the week. I checked it out but it was a dismall place and not something I want to go to once a week. It looked like the place you go to when there's nowhere else left to go. Because of budget cuts, the best part time therapy facilities have become beyond my reach. We have this government a lot to thank for. 

Not to get stuck on a downward note, let's talk about something completely different. And what would that be? I don't know yet but I'll come up with something. 

I'm sitting here in my red bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee from the most excellent coffeemaker. I'm more than wide awake enough and really should switch to a glass of cold milk now because I'm very thirsty. The cold milk will give me an alternative mood that will be completely different from the one that is caused by the coffee. That's the way it is. Different beverages cause different realities. I need the caffeine to make me alert and I need the cold milk to make me mellow.

It's amazing what a beverage can do, isn't it?

I'm relieved that today is Friday. It means that I've nearly completed another week and that I'm ready for the weekend. I would like to spend it sleeping, although I think that's not going to be possible. I don't think I have that much sleep in me now, not like I did earlier in the week. 

The Exfactor and the domestic help will be here today so I will have some company of the agreeable kind. Well, I usually do anyway. There's no disagreeable company here ever. 

I'm getting awfully sleepy and am going to have to go back to bed. The cold milk has made me very mellow and there are some hours left to sleep before it's morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

All in the twist of a hand...

I'm having my third cup of coffee this morning because it's making me feel so good. The coffee doesn't really taste good because it's instant but I like the effect. It's making my mind sharp and helping me think straight and those are nice things to have happen to you. I've been afraid to switch to cold milk in case I get an upset stomach which is more likely to happen than when I drink coffee. Coffee is by far the safest beverage I can drink. 

I took the dog for a walk and it wasn't too cold out there. The sun was shining and the temperature was agreeable. I did have to wear my winter coat but not my gloves or scarf. My head was warm enough too, funky as it is with my latest hairdo. I wouldn't have wanted to wear a hat over it. That would have ruined the whole effect. 

I was supposed to have had an impromptu appointment this morning, but I decided to call over there on a hunch and find out if the person I wanted to see was actually there. It's a good thing I called because she was not, having fallen ill with a kidney stone. I made an official appointment for next week. Things sounded kind of hectic over there and I'm sure they wouldn't have needed me there today. Sometimes a hunch pays off. 

I'm telling myself that there's nothing wrong with today and that I can spend it as agreeably as I want and that is true. I have no real obligations and no appointments. The day is my oyster, although I hardly know what to do with it. I'm in a contemplative mood and can spend it in much silence and solitude doing nothing important. I have no high goals for the day anyway. Peace of mind is my main concern. 

I suppose that's some kind of higher ideal and I shouldn't take that too lightly. What's better than to seek peacefulness? I hope the dog and the cat are of the same opinion. It would be good if we were all on the same wave length.

I wish the weather would make up its mind because now it's overcast and gray and it looks like it's going to rain. It will be cozy enough if it does. I really don't mind. One of my favorite things to listen to is a YouTube recording of a rainshower in a forest. It lasts an hour and is extremely soothing. Whoever thought of recording these natural sounds is a genius. I also like the ones of birdsong in the early morning. 

I didn't have to take a painkiller this morning for my headache. I did take a tranquilizer. and it has probably relaxed me enough. At least the muscles in my neck aren't tight. I'm wearing my glasses constantly, although I thought for a little while that they were maybe bothering me. It turned out to bother me more to have to do without them. I just don't see well enough if I don't wear them. 

I hope you'll all have a good day whatever kind of weather you're having. 

Ciao,

Irene

Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Aches and pains...

The muscles in my stomach ache from being unwell, but I am sitting here drinking a cup of coffee successfully and I've also been able to drink a glass of milk and that is great news. I had to forego drinking the two for quite a while. This means that my stomach is slowly getting back to normal and my nerves are maybe slowly too. I do have to take a tranquilizer every now and then to steady myself, but I think that's a small price to pay for a stressless situation. Besides, I am worth it. 

Because I had hardly been able to eat anything, it was a relief to be able to drink the tall glass of milk. It was filling and nutritious and it did perk me up quite a bit. I felt a lot better afterwards and not so hungry. It was as good as having a small meal. The coldness of it was very pleasant and it also quenched my thirst.

The stress was coming from having too many things to do before my older sister gets here and me worrying about her health and her having a good enough time here. Now that I know this, because these feelings were creeping up on me subconsciously, I feel a bit better and more aware of what the problem is and able to deal with it. In the morning I will take care of everything that needs to get done and not worry about anything else. 

At least I feel well enough physically to be able to take care of things and no longer so ill. That is quite a relief. 

It's tough when your mental problem translates itself into a physical ailment, but once you are aware of it, there is a way to deal with it. I suppose that instead of taking a tranquilizer I could do some meditative exercises, but I'm not really the type to do them correctly to last for a long enough time. I find that taking a tranquilizer works quicker and better. I do rely on medication to get me out of the tough situations, but I am able to get off them when the time is right. 

It is with some amount of anticipation that I sit and think about the coming weekend. It is also Easter after all and my younger sister is giving a brunch for us all. I'm looking forward to that because I hope she is serving fresh croissants. I have been having a hunkering for them. I'm sure there will be something delicious to eat, although there's some question if my older sister and I will be able to partake much having the stomach problems that we do. There will be other people there to do the meal justice, though.

I suppose that I will go back t bed now and get some more sleep, although I'm not tired. Common sense tells me that I need to go back to bed. I can do the dishes instead. That may be a good idea also. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Irene

Nice and mellow...

It's how I feel right now because I've managed to take a five hour long nap on the sofa. I must have needed it badly for me to sleep for such a long time. Now that I'm awake again, I don't feel the need for a cup of coffee. I want stay in this mellow mood that I've got for a while longer. I'm still yawning and somewhat muddleheaded, but that's okay with me right now. 

I've managed to drink a whole glass of milk without getting too much of an upset stomach so that is world news. My stomach is unpredictable territory and I never know what is going to agree with it. It differs from one day to the next, but I have to say that I am happy when I get to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That's a treat I hate to do without. 

It has rained while I was asleep and the water is still dripping from the gutter out back. I let the dog out there and he got wet from plowing through the bushes. The cat very gently walked around them. The dog has no such sensibilities. Of course he's protected by a thick coat of fur and the drops of water don't bother him. He still does need to get a proper trim. 

I've changed my mind about the cup of coffee because I was a bit too mellow and could not gather my thoughts at all. I've made a pot of coffee in the meanwhile and am drinking a cup now. It has, as if by a miracle, cleared the cobwebs from my head. I can now think properly and make some sense. I was thinking in slow motion before. It was as if I was moving through molasses. 

Now that I've got a second lease on life, I can tell you that I'm in a good mood and that I'm looking forward to the rest of the day, short as it is since I spent most of it asleep. That was really wonderful and I must make sure that I spend more time sleeping and get all of it done before my older sister gets here. I have to catch up on whatever I'm short on. There will be less time to do that when she is here.

There's nothing as indestructible as a mood created by a cup of coffee, especially not if it is a good cup of coffee. I just happened to have made one of those. My measuring skills must have improved over time or I just got lucky and eyeballed everything right. I think the latter is probably more true. That's why a good cup of coffee is always up to chance. It's not a guaranteed thing. 

The sun is coming out again and I need to take the dog for a walk. The fresh air will do us both good. I'll go see what the rain washed away.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Cherchez de la caffeine...

I'm having a cup of coffee after I took this afternoon's nap and was so rudely awakened by the ringing of the telephone. I was really done sleeping anyway because I had to make a phone call myself before the afternoon was over. The timing couldn't have been better. 

Usually these kinds of things work out well. As a rule to my advantage. I am lucky that way. Or I just see the positive side of everything, that's possible too. There are always more ways to look at everything. Well, not at everything. There are limits. 

The coffee tastes good but the caffeine is not starting to do its work. I'm not nearly coherent. I expected to be completely so shortly. The coffee was leftover and I just made a new pot. I'll see if that works better. It seems to me that leftover coffee doesn't deliver the punch I require to get me going. I think I've made that observation before.

I've already taken my evening's dose of medicines because I wanted to get a kick start. I tell myself this works, but I don't know if it actually does. 

I've been unable to drink milk today and every glass I've tried has upset my stomach. Needless to say this has caused me some grief because I do like my glasses of ice cold milk to quench my thirst with. It was not meant to be. I'm afraid to try it again now, but sooner or later I will be tempted by the icy coldness again. Hopefully things will go better then. 

The Exfactor put together the six drawers of the dresser and then he ran out of time. He will put together the rest of it later. I was somewhat tempted to do it myself, but then I came to my senses. There are mostly larger pieces left over and those would be hard to manhandle on my own. I'd hate to struggle with them and hurt my neck. 

I'm still using the anti-inflammatory medication for it and I'm going to use it all up, not wanting to take any chances. I'm hardly in any pain as long as I take it and I want to keep it like that.  I have the occasional ache, but I ignore it as much as possible. Mostly I try to stay relaxed and, of course, that's hard to do when you put together furniture. 

I'd hate to have to call the doctor's office to get a renewal for my perscription and tell them that I've not done the exercises. I'm notorious for not doing exercises when I have aches in my body. I'm a firm believer in painkillers. I always get over aches with their help and relaxation techniques. 

I have to end this post and walk the dog. It's that time of the day again. Luckily, it's beautiful weather outside. I don't have to wear a winter coat. 

Have a nice evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Sometimes no change is no good...

I woke up with a headache and I've still got it so I've just taken a paracetamol. Hopefully it will start to work shortly. This is the same headache that I've been battling almost non stop for the past 12 days. I did have one day of relief when I thought it was gone but it seems I was mistaken. It was only a temporary absence of the worst pain. I was too much of an optimist like I have a tendency to be. 

I do have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I hope he can give me some medicine to cure it. Actually, I hope he will tell me that I've got a bug and give me an anitbiotic. Having a headache all the time is tiring. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. The novelty has worn off by now. 

Other than that I'm in a good enough mood because today the spare bedroom gets cleaned out. I'm looking forward to that very much and can't wait for the job to be done. It will mean that I'll have some cleaning to do but hopefully my domestic help will be able to pitch in tomorrow. I know the floor is going to need a lot of cleaning and it's rather dusty in there, so it's going to need a bit of elbow grease. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and it sure is making me feel good. I was very thristy and the coffee had made me more so. The milk makes me feel cold, that's true, but it soothes my stomach and makes my head feel better. The coldness helps the pain. There's probably something to be said for putting an ice bag on your head when you're having a headache. Unfortunately I have no such thing and no ice cubes. The ice cube tray got a big split in it and I threw it away. I have yet to buy a new one.

I'm sitting here in my warm bathrobe which needs to be washed again and I will put it in with the next load of laundry. This bathrobe does take a beating because I hang out in it so much. I spill things on it and wipe my hands on it and basically treat it badly. It's a very comfortable piece of clothing and I'm very fond of it. I hope I'll have it for a long time even though it's too big on me. Maybe that's the comfort of it. It has two big pockets in which I put a multitude of things and every once in a while I clean them out. At least I always have a tissue handy. 

I'm starting to yawn and need to think about going back to bed. It's with some reluctance that I do that because I'm not nearly ready to go. I like sitting here too much in the cozy semi darkness and I've just poured myself another glass of milk. I do want to finish it first and smoke another cigarette. 

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Irene

And all the king's horses...

I'm sitting here feeling in a pretty good mood, although I have no special reason to, but I suppose you don't always have to. I guess you can have a pretty good mood just for the hell of it. Maybe all the right ingredients are in place to make me feel this way and I'm not even realizing it consciously. If so, I'm grateful for it and will take full advantage of it as long as the situation exists. 

There's one thing I do know and that's how to count my blessings, even if they are small and quite accidental. I look for them whenever I can and praise all of them. I never take anything for granted. God forbid that I should be ungrateful. I'm always thankful enough when things turn out well as they often do and count my luck along the way. Even when things don't look good, they always end up okay in the end. As a rule, of course. There are exceptions.

I'm not Pollyanna and I don't look at the world through rose colored glasses, although I may be accused of that. It's possible that I'm just naive enough for it. I refuse to see life differently, unless my own black mood dictates it, but then it is of a temporary nature and it doesn't reflect my normal state of mind which is a lot sunnier.

I've had my cups of coffee and they've woken me up enough. I was a little bit discombobulated when I got up but now I'm more than wide awake enough. It's a pleasure to feel so sharp witted, although that is only relatively speaking. I wouldn't want to have to complete a series of difficult tasks right now, Turning out a post is hard enough. I do have to think of amusing enough things to write about to entertain my public. 

It's very possible that the anonymous caller didn't call me at midnight. I normally wake up from the phone ringing and I didn't this time for which I'm very grateful. Hopefully he's gotten tired of calling me because I don't answer the phone anymore after I couldn't get anything out of him. If it is a him. The phone calls started right when I got my new land line and I can only hope that he's got the wrong person. He sure was persistent.

The dog woke me up by licking my hands and face. He had to go out back. It wasn't cold outside and it was a pleasure to stand by the open back door and get some fresh air. It was a clear night out and a lot of stars were visible. I always imagine what it would be like to be out in the countryside and see the night sky then. I'm sure it would be beautiful. You miss a lot of stars when you're in town because of the light polution.

I have to go back to bed and finish sleeping because tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. I do have to get enough sleep before that time. I've been drinking ice cold milk and settling down a bit. It agreed pretty well with my stomach and quenched my everlasting thirst. 

Goodnight everyone. 

Ciao,

Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Feeling my oats...

I'm really on my way to bed but temporarily got sidetracked about 30 minutes ago. I'm still planning on going there soon but I'll let myself be delayed for a little while longer. I'll pretend to not be in a hurry and that my bed is something I'm not looking forward to very much. That's only half true. I'll let you figure out which half is true. 

I'm also temporarily in a good enough mood. That's surprising because for the last few days I have been grumpy. I do want to take advanatge of this good mood and write a cheerful post even if I have not much to say. I very often have not much to say and somehow I manage to write a post anyway. That's when I write what is called a bunch of bull. 

I don't know why I have been grumpy these last few days. I'm getting enough sleep, so that's not the problem. I'm eating well, so I'm not going hungry. I don't smoke anymore, of course, but I'm still getting nicotine through the patches. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm just grumpy for no apparent reason. 

I'm sure there is a cause but it's not clear to me. I would have to be deeply analyzed to find it out. I don't know if I want to make quite that much effort. I figure that sooner or later I'll get over being grumpy and be in a good mood again permanently or for as long as it lasts. Whichever comes first. 

I had bacon and eggs for dinner but it wasn't the deeply satisfying experience it should have been. I think this was because the eggs weren't biological eggs and they didn't taste as good. The yolks weren't nearly as tasty as they should have been. I opted for quantity over quality and regret it now, but you live and learn.

I think now that I can eat more normally, I will start eating open faced sandwiches again. I have a hunkering for chicken, lettuce, tomato and mayonaise on wheatbread.  That sounds absolutely delicious. I wish I had one right now. I will have to make a good shopping list on Tuesday. It's too bad that I have to wait until that time. 

Oh, I'm just having cravings now. It's that time of the evening again when I always get them. Normally I feel like eating ice cream. I better have a glass of ice cold milk. That will take care of it. 

When I feel cravings, it's time to go to bed. It will be fun to go in search of it, although it shouldn't be too hard to find. I'm already looking forward to getting under the warm duvet. Sleeping is wonderful. The moment of awakening is sheer bliss, even though it only lasts a second.

Have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Too early to sleep, I suppose...

I was all ready to go to bed and go to sleep because I thought the day was done, but apparently I was too early with my attempt and my body wasn't quite ready to shut down yet. I was lying there wide awake, thinking all sorts of interesting thoughts, but not at all going to sleep so I got up again. 

I will try again in a little while because it is my intention to get a good night's sleep. Now that my lungs are inhaling clean air, I do feel that I'm a healthier sleeper and that my nights are spent better in a sounder sleep. I'm not bothered by nicotine and tar and other poisons anymore and I imagine that my breathing has become more liberated and that it affects my sleep also.

Actually, I'm imagining all sorts of good things and in my mind's eye my body is going through a healing process that I think it may not possibly go through that quickly in real life. I don't know how fast a body recuperates after smoking for so many years at my rate. I'm optimistic, though, and I'm willing it to heal quickly. I'm imagining pink and healthy tissue where my lungs are. I do believe in the power of positive thinking. 

I will know what sort of shape I'm in when I next ride my bike. I was in pretty good shape, but I expect to have more endurance now and more power in my legs. I'll really know how well I do when I ride up an incline. Those are always the true tests. 

I'm in my pajamas and bathrobe with a glass of cold milk. I have a craving for a Big Mac and french fries, but I don't think I'll be having them any time soon. It would be impossible for me to finish them, but it's nice to wish for them and to pretend I could have them if I wanted to. A Quarter Pounder would be nice too. I haven't had anything like it in years.

It's time for me to go to bed. When I start to have cravings like that, it's time to call it a night. Otherwise I will sit here and torture myself with visions of food I can't eat. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

The shutters of my mind are closed...

I'm temporarily shut off from my good feelings. I hope it's temporary and not a permanent condition. I'd hate to go through life this way. I really do see things in shades of gray now and black is another prominent color. Lord knows that they are not attractive shades of color to see your life in. I need something brighter than this. 

Let's blame it on the absence of sunlight. It has been dreary all day and cold too. The sky has been overcast and gray and it has been raining. Not exactly the kind of weather to feel optimistic about. 

I know that's not really the reason for my bad mood, but I'm pretending it is. I'd have to dig deep within myself to find the real reason and that may be too much work. Normally I'm all for analyzing myself, but something is witholding me now. Call it my angry little stubborn streak. I feel very ornery at this moment.

Chances are that I'll talk myself right out of it if I sit here long enough. I know I can never stay permanently grumpy. But I don't know if I'm only grumpy or if there's somthing more the matter. I suppose I'll know that tomorrow when I get up and start a new day. Now is not the time to know for sure. 

You shouldn't pay any attention to me. I probably got out on the wrong side of the bed when I got up from my nap earlier this evening. I had been to see my sister and got home late in the afternoon and was very tired. I took a nap when it was not really a good time to take one. I'm a little bit off schedule as a result. 

You see how I can trivialize my bad mood and make it not at all important anymore. It doesn't even deserve the words I'm wasting on it. 

I think I will go and eat some dinner now. I need to feed my body. I can't live on ice cold milk alone. It did taste very good, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Dull moments in the closet...

I sit here not quite awake drinking my cup of coffee. There's fog in my head still from the nap I just took. I hope to any minute now become more clearheaded, but it may take me a while. In the meantime, I will just enjoy this state of mind to the best of my ability. It does add another dimension to my thinking capacities. The fact that they are a little impaired doen't bother me all that much. Goodness knows what I'll come up with. 

My mascara was smeared by one eye when I got up, but that was quickly fixed. I still look decent enough to go walk the dog in a little while. Besides, it is dark outside and no one will see. It's not as if I'm going out on a hot date and the dog makes no objections at all if my make up isn't on right. That's the one drawback of dogs, I do think they ought to be more critical of your looks. And more appreciative too. 

At least my nails are properly polished and my hands look decent with my rings on them. I almost look like a lady and I could be mistaken for one. I'm certainly dressed like one because I'm wearing a very ladylike dress. It comes from my closet hardly worn because it didn't fit me all that well before. It sure does look good now. Losing a few kilos made all the difference. It's a tight fitting dress, at least it was. It's a little roomier now. 

I'm glad I rediscovered it. Delving into my closet every now and then can be a rewarding experience. I always find something that I had forgotten about. I don't know if I should blame that on my bad memory or on my abundance of clothes. I don't think I have that many clothes. I do regularly take things out of the closet and put them away. I really wish I had an abundance of shoes and boots because I never seem to have enough of them. Unfortunately, I'm not that lucky. I would like to find boots I had forgotten about.

The coffee has woken me up to a point and it has also made me very thirsty. I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. That will play some other tricks with my mind and my stomach. There's never a dull moment around here. Well, actually there are. I just refuse to recognize them as such. I just pretend they are meditative moments. I have them regularly during the day. 

I always pretend my life is more interesting than it is. I have to use my imagination a lot and care about things that are really not very important. I have to make the little things big and give them lots of meaning. That´s why I always say that you have to care about them. If you do, they will fill up your life and give it contentedness.

I have to take the dog for a walk. He´s been waiting patiently beside me. It is cold and dark outside so I will have to dress for it. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Life does continue...

I was rudely interrupted in my sleep by the dog who had to go out back for a piddle. I suppose I can't really be upset about that because it is much better than him piddling inside by the back door. It does feel awful if you step in it the next day totally unawares. 

It was much less cold outside than it had been and I stood out on the patio in the night air enjoying it while the dog did his business. The air felt pleasant after having been so cold and I didn't mind being out there in just my pajamas. The sky was overcast and that's probably why it wasn't so cold. 

A pot of coffee was quickly made and I'm having my second cup. I've read other people's blogs and commented on them where I thought I had something to say. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not always as outspoken as I appear to be. 

I actually had a scrambled egg to eat yesterday. I have not had eggs in a long time. I had the Exfactor buy me biological eggs, meaning they came from chickens that had been allowed to roam free outside and have been fed responsibly. 

I fixed it with real butter and it tasted delicious. One egg is all I can handle, but it's perfect for a meal. It agreed with my stomach well too and I didn't experience any problems such as loud noises and burps. That's a good sign and I will have another one today.

I think if you listen to your body well, it will tell you what foods agree with it. You can try them out in small amounts for a couple of times and see what happens. I don't deal well with wheat, especially whole wheat products. They give me gas and make me bloat something awful. So I avoid them. 

I haven't had any chocolate lately either. I don't eat Nutella any longer and I haven't gotten any candy bars from the tobacco shop. I think I've gotten over my craving for it. I may talk about it now and then, but that's really nothing serious. Mostly that's just an old habit. 

What I crave most are cold things such as ice cold milk or pudding or ice cream. Anything to take that dry feeling from my mouth. I think that's a side effect from the medicines. 

I haven't had any ice cream in a long time either. I know it's too dangerous and that I will eat the whole carton in one go. It goes down that easy. It does melt in your mouth, after all. 

Cravings are usually bad things and are best ignored, except low fat, ice cold milk. Or ice cold orange juice. That's a good one too and that's what I'm going to have next. 

I'm yawning. It's time to go back to bed. My duvet is turning out to be the most wonderful thing. I love the thickness of it, yet it's so featherlight. It's perfect to sleep under. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Before I go to bed again...

I've had one cup of coffee and that was enough. That's all the caffeine I needed to be wide awake. I'm fully functioning and more than alert enough. After that I was just plain thirsty and I'm now drinking cold milk which is settling in my stomach well. There are no loud protesting noises and no gurgling sounds and burps. It has been different in the recent past when I thought I could not drink milk any longer. 

I've slept a few hours and woke up on my own. I can't blame the dog this time for me being awake. He was sound asleep himself and needed a belly rub when I woke up. I suppose he needed a little bit of bonding. The cat was lying very cozily by my side and I had to move her gently out of the way. You could say that the animals are my first concern when I wake up.

Forget what I said about being alert. Since I started drinking the milk, I've been yawning my head off. I'm afraid I have to drink some more coffee. I'll never be able to finish this post if I don't no matter how thirsty for milk I am. I suppose I was momentarily misguided. I'll know how well the coffee works by how quickly I stop yawning. I just drank one cup of coffee and I'm about to start on my next one. 

I am taking my time writing this. I feel that I've got all the time in the world. It is a pleasure to sit here in the semi darkness. I feel in a good enough mood and I hope it lasts well into tomorrow. I have an appointment with my therapist in the morning and I am looking forward to that because I actually have something to discuss with her. It will give some substance to our conversation. 

I never mind Wednesdays for some reason. Wednesdays are always innocent days. It's also when there are the most interesting programs on TV, that may help a little bit. Wednesdays are the middle of the week days and I feel that the worst of it is over. That we are over the hump. Mondays and Tuesdays are always a little tougher to get through. But this is most likely all in my imagination and it probably really isn't as bad as all that. 

The coffee has stopped me from yawning so I have at least achieved that goal. The problem now is that I'm wide awake and I had not calculated that into the equation. I will be up for a while yet. I will have to find a way to keep myself amused. As a rule I don't have any problem doing that. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora