To my health...

Hot cups of tea must be very good for your metabolism. I have been the recipient of the benefits of them today much to my relief. It is something I was not expecting, but it was very welcome indeed. I will be drinking tea more often now that I'm aware of this effect. Maybe it was already common knowledge, but I never knew about it. I do like the taste of tea with sugar and now that I know it has these nice side effects, I like it even better. 

I was all ready to go to bed, but it's too early for it. I'll have to stay up a while longer until it's a decent enough time to go. I did long to go lie down under the duvet and have one of my intricate and fascinating dreams. It's like going to the movies for free, after all. There is the unpredictability of them, but I'll take that into the equation. That does add a certain amount of excitement. 

The day has gone by like so many others. I managed to stay amused. A lot of times now I forget that I used to smoke. I go for whole periods without thinking about it. I think that's an amazing thing. At other times I remember it very much and want to light up a cigarette. It doesn't happen very often, just once in a while. After a good meal, for example. I must make sure I don't eat well too often. 

I had bacon and eggs tonight. I have been able to eat more with less problems. I think that's due to the medication. It's helped my stomach settle down. The bacon was delicious. I'm cheating because I'm supposed to be a vegetarian. I had a terrible craving for it and couldn't resist it when I was in the store. I gave some to the dog and it was a real treat to him. We did have ourselves a good time at dinner tonight. 

I'm going to try to go to bed now. I have a full stomach and should sleep well. Doesn't that make you have the most interesting dreams? No doubt I'll be up again later tonight. They're all naps that I take. 

Ciao,

Nora

Taking naps...

Since I've quit smoking, my life consists of taking many naps. I nap all the time, during the daytime as well as during the nighttime. Whenever I am bored and I think I may be sitting in my armchair with too much time on my hands, I decide to take a nap. This takes away the chance to feel the desire to smoke. 

I very cozily get under the duvet and fall asleep and have my very intricate and lively dreams for about an hour or two. Very often the dog wakes me up because he's bored and I very happily get up again. I'm never in a bad mood when I do. I know that whenever I want to, I can go back to bed. As long as I take care of my responsibilities in between naps there's no problem.

I like this way of life and it's a greeing with me very well. I know it's just a temporary life style and that it's not going to last forever. It's a solution to a minor problem and that problem will disappear as I get used to be a non smoker and I'm getting used to that more and more each day. The trick is to keep myself occupied and that I'm not always able to do, especially not on the weekends like now. 

I have started to eat more, but I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had actually lost a kilo. Apparently I'm not eating the wrong foods. I do have a hunkering for fried eggs and eat those a lot, but I don't eat any bread with them. I eat them plain without anything else. I fry them in sunflower oil, not in butter. I thought that might be healthtier, although butter tastes better. 

I also like slices of dense breakfast cake which is nourishing and filling but low in calories. I slather diet margarine on them. I can eat two slices of them at the time which is quite an improvement to how many I used to be able to eat. My stomach is treating me better. I can eat more with less problems. I think the medication is working well. 

Tomorrow ordinary life resumes when my personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I won't be able to take as many naps then. They haven't seen the latest changes in the apartment and I'm curious how they will react to them. Actually, I wish I could do more. I would like to redecorate all the time. I think it's my natural calling. 

As I sit here, I'm looking at a very nice framed glicee print that I got from an English artist that has all the colors of my decor in it. That turned out to be purely by accident and I just got lucky. I have it standing on my desk instead of the printer that I didn't have installed and that I never used. I figured that I'd rather look at a piece of art than at an ugly printer.The eye wants something too.

The image that is at the top of this post is not the one I have but is one of hers anyway. Her name was Tessa Edwards and she passed away last year.I'm sure if you google her you will be able to find more information about her and maybe even find out if you can still buy her art. 

I've got to get something to eat. They will be eggs no doubt, if there are any left. Maybe I will eat Parmesan noodles. That's a novel idea. Hmmm...

Ciao,

Nora

Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Over the hills and through the woods...

That's not really where I'm going. I just felt like saying that. It's in the middle of the night and I'm sure I'm not going through the woods now. That would be a bit scary even if I had a strong flashlight. My imagination would get a hold of me and I would think of The Blair Witch. Remember that movie? That was pretty gruesome. 

No, I'm staying right where I am, safely inside by the light of the desk lamp with my cup of coffee. I do know where life is good. That's right here with my dog and cat. 

I've already slept and woke up writing a blog post in my head, but I've forgotten what it was about. I was formulating a sentence in my head as I became conscious. I had to immediately let the dog out back when I got up and go to the toilet myself, so by the time I turned on the computer, everything I had dreamed was forgotten. 

I just made myself a small pot of fresh coffee and am drinking the first cup now. For a change, I didn't make it so awfully strong. That was a deliberate choice on my part as I often make the coffee too strong and get too wired. I only want to drink two cups and then switch to cold milk and go back to bed and sleep some more. 

I have to see my psychiatrist at 10 o'clock in the morning, so I do have to get up on time. I'll even have to set the alarm clock.

My SPN told me yesterday that she is pregnant, so we had a happy talk about pregnancy and what I remembered about it. I'm thrilled for her and can't wait to see her belly grow. I had already noticed that the last few times she was wearing the same roomy tops, but had not put two and two together. 

She's going on maternity leave in October and that will be the end of our therapy together. I told her it's all for a good cause. What can be a nicer reason than having a baby? I certainly can't think of one. 

The Exfactor did manage to do the groceries after all yesterday, so I didn't have to do without milk for too long a time. I drank glasses of water when I did. They made me feel a little sick to my stomach and I was happy when I could drink milk again. Plain water doesn't seem to agree with me very well.

I picked up the Metamucil from the pharmacy and mixed a spoonful of that in a tall glass of water and I will hopefully notice the result soon. I'm planning on using it every day and will hopefully get the rewards of it every day. It will certainly be a relief if it works. 

It's going to be a bright and sunny day and feel warmer than it actually is. That means I can wear the same clothes I wore yesterday and I'm glad because it was a good outfit and I felt comfortable in it. I wore my favorite dress.

As I lose weight, the clothes that I wear fit me better all the time, but some things get too big and sometimes that's a shame because I'm attached to them.  I try to shrink them in the laundry, but I only have partial success with that. Some things just need to be put on the obsolete pile. There's no help for it. 

I hope you're all having a good night and those of you who are still up, I hope you are having a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Who I am and what I do...

I was slowly waking up and lying in bed with my eyes closed and the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Who are you?" I thought that was too deep a question to have in the middle of the night and I could not answer it. I dismissed it quickly from my mind and got up to let the dog out. That was a less cerebral activity for me to take care of rather than think existential thoughts. 

I put on my bathrobe and made a pot of coffee. I turned on the computer and answered emails and read other people's blogs. The whole time I did that, I ignored that thought I'd had when I first started waking up. Now that I'm done with all those activities it's begging to be answered, but I'm loathe to answer it because how can I? 

How can I say who I am in a few easy sentences? I'm either going to have to dismiss the question all together or write an autobiography and that's way too much work. I don't know why I had that thought in the first place and what an odd one to have first thing when you still have your eyes closed and your mind starts to wake up.

I suppose I found myself alone in my bed and became aware of my solitariness as a human being in the great world. I realized I was just a tiny little cog in a very large machine and that I counted for hardly anything at all. I must have thought this in a split second in the darkness before I opened my eyes. I guess I felt my aloneness as all human beings eventually feel theirs.

I thought you didn't feel that until your dying hour and I suppose I felt it prematurely for some reason. I don't know if I had a dream just before it. I don't remember one. All I remember is darkness and silence, as if I had been out in the universe where someone had forgotten to turn the stars on.

Do we have to say who we are after we die? Is there a question that we have to answer? Do we have to say that we were the best possible human being we could have been? What if we chastise ourselves for all the things we didn't do? Are we forgiven?

I'm still discovering who I am, although I have a strong suspicion that I knew who I was a long time ago before life got a hold of me and filled me with my neuroses. Add some deep seated psychological pain and you've got the end product. Well, not the end product. It isn't over until the fat lady sings and she's nowhere in sight. I'll go listen to her aria at the very end. Until that time I've got a lot of work to do. 

I hope you all are having a good night. I'm going to sleep some more shortly. I hope I don't get anymore existential questions. One of those every now and then is enough, although it does give you food for thought. That's not too bad. 

Ciao,

Nora

Kindheartedness...

I suppose that's best to describe the benign feelings I have right now about the world  in general, though not about all things in specific, but I'll not let myself be bothered about them right now. I want to have nothing but benign feelings, pushing away the effects of the less happy news items I watched on television last night. If they are all true, they make me feel very jaded indeed and I want none of that right now. 

I do want to enjoy my few hours of peace and quiet in the darkness and silence of the night and believe in the general goodness of mankind, though it is hard to pull the wool over my own eyes. It requires a state of oblivion that even I don't know I'm capable of. I'm going to give it my best try, though. 

The face of one man is etched in my mind right now and that is the face of Dominic Strauss-Kahn and I wonder how he is doing in his single prison cell on Wicker Island. I want the allegations to not be true, but I'm afraid they are and I'm ever so sorry about that. It bothers me to no end that a man in his position would steep so low.  I suppose I feel an enormous amount of disappointment. This isn't about having extra-marital affairs anymore. This is about rape and it's very serious. 

Enough said about that. I have to find something equally true and honest in its place. Something to offset it. Something of beauty and elegance. That's hard to come by in this world. I suppose I'm looking for a hero and I can't find one at this moment. I need a Nelson Mandela.

I suppose that I don't feel as benign as I thought I did, though I wish to. I worry about men in power abusing their privilege. It's been shown that the brain activity of people in power changes and that they take bigger chances and do things ordinary people would not. They are risk takers. This goes for women in power as well as men. Women are more subtle, though. They don't have a penis in their pants with which they have to assert themselves. 

I'll gently return to the night and it's peacefulness. If I sit here so silently, it's hard to imagine that there's a big complicated world out there. I can make my own world as small as I like. I can make it as small as the light of my desk lamp reaches. I can forget about yesterday and the day that is to come. All I have to do in a while is go back to bed and sleep. I don't even have to dream about unpleasant things, at least, I hope not. 

On another subject, the book I'm reading, 'Loot and other stories,' is not fascinating me at all, but then again, not many books are lately and I never seem to be able to finish one. I will have to go in search of another book that will hopefully grab my attention well enough. I do still have enough to choose from on the bookcase. It's a shame to leave all these books unread, but maybe some day in the future I will go back and finish them.

Today actually brings nothing complicated with it. It is a day of no consequence at all. I can make it as simple as I want and I am grateful for that. I will do some simple chores and generally take care of my mental health, which has for the most part been good. I'm not going from one extreme mood to the other, but am mostly positioned somewhere in the middle range. You have no idea what a relief that is. I'm not in the bouncy castle.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning when you get up. We're actually going to have good weather. 

Ciao,

Nora

That gosh darned dog!

The darn dog woke me up from a sound sleep. He decided he needed to go out back for a piddle or two. When he came in again, he decided that he was hungry, so I had to feed him something until he was satisfied and went to sleep. By that time I was wide awake and not ready to go back to bed, as I never am under these circumstances. 

I made myself a cup of heated up coffee and made the best of it. I'm going to have to make some real coffee next, though, because this stuff is undrinkable and I'm worthy of better. It will do to get the first cobwebs out, but it's no good for my enjoyment. And my enjoyment comes first after Tyke has been settled down. 

I was sleeping very nicely under the good smelling sheets. They had still not lost their good scent from having been dried outside. I was having a dream that I remembered fleetingly when I woke up, but that totally has escaped me now.

I've been having very interesting dreams lately and my body mimics the actions I perform in my dreams. I wake up that way. If I dream I hold a paintbrush, I wake up with my fingers positioned that way.

I dream that I travel all over the world, to the very edge of it, at the danger of falling off. I go to Tierra del Fuego and it's barren there and unwelcome. All the natives have been decimated. Hardly anyone lives there.

I go to places that don't exist, that are on the edge of an imaginary map, like Columbus did. They're dangerous and hostile places with only a single airfield and not much else.  The ground is about to break up and we are going to fall through it.  You have to walk lightly there. 

It's probably a reflection of the insecurity I feel every day about being in this place. I never quite feel safe and at home. There's always this undercurrent of hostility I feel. I'm a stranger in a strange land.

I've made myself a fresh pot of coffee and very nice it tastes too. You wouldn't believe the difference between it and the old heated up coffee. Or maybe you would. It's so nice to treat yourself decently, especially in the middle of the night when it really counts. When you are having your best hours. 

I still like being enveloped by the darkness that is the night and many times I don't wish for it to end. But that is mainly because I don't want the day to start with all of its obligations. The inevitability of having to see people and having to perform chores can seem oppressive. Actually, when I do these things during the day, they never turn out to be as bad as I imagined them to be, but there's always a level of discomfort and a relief when they're all done and gone. 

I have a growing dissatisfaction with my personal helper. I think she is too negative and not such a good influence on me and I feel very often that I determine the fate and outcome of our meetings instead of her. I don't quite feel that I can rely on her to make the best decisions. I feel very much that I have to take the lead into my own hands and know best myself. She's not much of a help anymore. As a matter of fact, she can be a hinder. 

Not everybody in the world has equal amounts of common sense, not even when they have the diplomas to go with it. You do have to take care who you put your trust in. I have to be my own sage. My own wise woman. Foolish people abound. Not everybody who tries to do you a service actually does. 

I will go back to bed eventually and determine in the morning what I'm going to wear. It's not going to be a very warm day. It's only going to be 58F and rainy. I think I've got just the outfit that's good for that kind of weather. I must be comfortable at all costs. I've got just the pair of pants for that. 

Have a nice morning or a nice evening, which ever timezone you're in. 

Ciao,

Nora

...and then it was morning.

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don't need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I'm enjoying every cup that I drink. 

I do know a good thing when I have it and I'm grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I'm careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 

I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that's the point I was trying to make. 

I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser's chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don't pay attention to them and I don't think of what other people see.I think that's for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she's going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I'm fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.

I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I'll still have my psychiatrist, although he's less good for the emotional issues. I'll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I'll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 

The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won't be for another hour. It's supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 

Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn't bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That's turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it's great fun, but I don't think so. 

I hope you'll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you're about to go to bed, sleep tight. 

Ciao,

Nora

Storm...

It's storming outside, making it feel cold inside too while it really isn't. It just makes you feel that way. The wind is noisily blowing down the street. I feel chilled even with my warm bathrobe on. It sounds like an autumn storm in February. At least it's not nearly cold enough to freeze, so that's a blessing. We do have to keep looking at the  positive side of things. It just as easily could be cold and snowing now, because it is the time of year for it and last year it did.

For a change I slept through the night while I dreamed many interesting dreams and woke up a couple of times in a sweat, but went back to sleep again immediately. I was very busy during the night, you might say. I even attempted to speak Spanish, but it came out as French. I never did learn enough Spanish to get around well, not even in my dreams. I keep dreaming about my first ex-husband who then proceeds to have pity parties and tries to make me feel guilty and do things I don't want to do. I do resist him and stick to my guns. I don't like dreaming about him and wonder why I still do. I must have some unfinished business with him. 

I'm having my cups of coffee now and very welcome they are too. I was fully awake when I got up, but I do need my coffee to really start functioning. I think I've had enough now and that I will switch to cold milk, because I'm thirsty.I would drink lemonade or juice if they would agree with my stomach better. Milk seems to settle the best, but everything makes me burp. That's because in my eagerness to quench my thirst, I drink it quickly. 

I always wake up with a very sore knee, but once I get up and start moving around, it gets better. It's when I sit in one position too long that it starts to bother me. Especially sleeping seems to be the worst thing for it. I sleep on my side and must lie in a way that hurts my knee the most. I don't get the feeling that it's getting better, but I suppose that I have to be patient. I am a middle aged lady, after all, and things may take longer to heal.

I ended up not going to my psychiatrist yesterday, because my appointment was for in the evening and I didn't feel like going out in the dark and cold weather. I canceled it and made a new appointment for next week during the day. That means I'm staying on these doses of medicines for now. That's okay. There's no need to rush the reductions. I just now feel that I'm at ease with the latest reduction, because I was a little bit wobbly every once in a while, although I wasn't sure it was because of that. It could have been because of anything. It's better to wait a while and to be sure of myself.

I went to my sister yesterday afternoon and had espressos and Italian cookies. The espressos always perk me up wonderfully and I don't need coffee for the rest of the day. The cookies were good, they were made of whole wheat flour  and only my gastric band prevented me from eating more than two of them. Which reminds me that I forgot to go on the bathroom scale this morning. Apparently I'm not clearheaded enough to think of that. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and so is the domestic help. I will have to clean up the kitchen and change my bed before that time. Another load of laundry is just what I need. At least I feel awake enough to tackle that. 

Here's hoping you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Itsy bitsy thoughts...

It's early in the morning and I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee. It tastes very good, even though I didn't measure the coffee carefully when I put it into the filter. I just eyeballed it. It looked right, so I went with it. I didn't feel like putting the coffee into the paper filter with measured spoonfuls. I was too hurried for that. I just wanted a cup of coffee quickly. 

Some mornings are that way. Not because I'm grumpy, because I'm far from that. I just want the coffee because I crave it and I'm thirsty. It also is a perfect accompaniment to my cigarette, which I also crave. I can seldom be accused of being grumpy. Mostly I'm very kindhearted when I wake up in the mornings, unless I'm woken up from a sound sleep, which I rarely am. Even then I don't bite anyone's head off. 

I went to bed early last night and I don't even remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I took two rusk toasts with butter to bed with me and got crumbs in the bed. That was bound to happen, of course, so I had to wipe those away before I could settle down. I was asleep in no time and I don't remember any of my dreams, so they must not have been important and that's just the way I like it. I don't necessarily want to remember all of them. Not all of them are epic stories with great meaning. 

I have two appointments today. One with my psychiatrist in the morning. It will be about the reduction of the medicines and how well that is going. I think he wants to have a good look at me to make sure I'm still fairly normal. Of course, I can assure him that I am, but I would say that maybe even if I weren't. I could be on my way to hypo-mania and claim to be perfectly normal. I have been known to do that. It is a careful consideration. 

I have an appointment with my SPN in the afternoon. She called me yesterday and said that she had gotten over the flu. That's why I missed my appointment with her last week. I was lucky enough that she had an opening today. 

In between the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and have coffee. I've got to make a grocery list beforehand and check on the cleaning supplies, because I don't know if the domestic helps let me know on time when they start running out. I'm always hearing, oh, this bottle is empty! I'm going to have a look at all of them and see how much is there. 

So it will be a slightly busy day and I don't mind. It will make the time go by quickly and I will appreciate the time off all the more. I do like the pauses in between the hectic times. At least the apartment is clean and the dishes and the laundry are all done. That's one reason to count my blessings. I'm sure I can think of several others if I put my mind to it. 

It's already with some amount of joy that I look forward to Thursday when I will have no appointments or anyone coming over at all. It will be a free day to do with as I please and I do need days like that when all I do is walk Tyke and do whatever chores need to get done. I do like my solitary days. They always give me a little breathing space to get back on track. I suppose people who work have to save that up until the weekends and even then they have a lot of things to do that they don't get around to during the week. I guess it would be hard to fit in solitary time if they had that need.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I plan to have one myself. It is with some amount of anticipation that I look forward to it. 

Ciao,

Nora

Slowly but surely...

My coffee tastes very good this morning and I can't get enough of it. It is making me as perky as a butterfly on a sunny spring day. Well, you can see where my thoughts are. They are certainly not stuck in the wintertime. They long for another season. Because it's January I do dare to long for the springtime. I look forward to it as something that's going to happen in the not too unforeseeable future. I am an optimist, no matter what the weather is still going to bring us. Which will be rain this weekend and that is a heck of a lot better than snow or sleet. 

I even dared sleep with my bedroom window open last night. That's because it really wasn't that cold outside. Cold is all very relative. It just depends on what you've gotten used to. It's no longer freezing, so any kind of temperature is nice. It feels healthier to sleep with the window open, all that fresh air must be good for something. I imagine it's better for my braincells. I will have better dreams because of it, though I don't really remember the ones I had last night. They must not have been that impressive.

I ate carrots and peas for dinner last night and they were so good that I ate my fill of them. I was truly full when I had to stop eating and I had to give the last of the carrots to Tyke who devoured them with a lot of appetite. I had forgotten how much fun it was to eat a big spoonful of peas. To really stuff your mouth with them and slowly chew them. It was heavenly. I have more left for tonight and it's something to look forward to. It's the little pleasures in life that make it fun. Peas and carrots can make you very happy. 

I watched a Dutch police series and it was as bad as they always are. A lot of drama and action and very little substance. I don't know why I bother, except that this one is filmed locally so it is interesting to see all the familiar places. The only problem is that nobody in the series speaks with a local accent, because they all come from the west of the country and that does make it lose some of its credibility. I don't know if that holds true for British series as well. 

I didn't go to bed too late last night. There was nothing else on television that I wanted to watch, as is usual for Friday nights. I can't get excited about many of the programs that are on, but that's why the television has an off button. I won't sit there and mindlessly watch whatever is on. I'm not hooked on it. 

Today is Saturday and the first official day of the weekend, although it really started yesterday afternoon after the domestic help left. I'm looking forward to the lazy days that are ahead of me. I will hang out in my bathrobe for a while this morning and be slow to get the show on the road. There is no time clock to punch and nobody will show up here. I get to have my privacy all to myself. 

There will be speed skating on today and I will watch that. Our best skater is not competing, so now it's up to the other guys. They will get a chance to prove their worth. They're up against some tough competition. They're skating the 10K today and that's a tough race. I'm curious to see how well we will do. It will be a relaxing way to spend the afternoon, for me at any rate. Not for them.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Gentleness....

Last night I fell asleep with a CD of the sound of a thunderstorm accompanied with gentle music. It was very soothing and I fell asleep about halfway through it. When I woke up in the night to go to the toilet, all was silent in my bedroom and I went straight back to sleep. I slept until 8:30 this morning and enjoyed the serenity that was there instead of the cackle of talk radio. It was a better way to wake up and I probably slept better because of the silence. 

I'm going to try it again tonight with the gentle piano music of Erik Satie. I have two CDs by him and I will look through the rest of my CD collection and see what other soothing music I have there. I think the silence that comes after the music is very important. I seem to sleep better when there is no noise at all. At least I don't get all sorts of subliminal messages from the radio that interfere with my dreams and that makes them more gentle too.

Now I'm sitting here slowly waking up with my coffee and cigarettes. The sun is shining brightly outside and the sky is blue. The sun is hopefully melting the snow in the street. I'm still yawning and think I could have slept another hour or so, but I had to get up, because I'm expecting the Exfactor. I should get dressed before that time, but I'm awfully comfortable in my bathrobe right now. I'll have one more cup of coffee first. 

I was supposed to go see my SPN this afternoon, but the secretary called to say that she was sick, so suddenly there is no rush to the day. I can take it easy, because I don't have to be somewhere at a certain time. That gives me some spare time that I'm sure I'll find a purpose for. I've been reading my own blog archives and I think I will continue to do that. It is very enlightening. 

Well, I think I will get dressed. I'm just dawdling now and not accomplishing much. I don't have much to report either. Everything is fine. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

So what else is up?

I changed my profile picture because after I cut my my hair, it looks more like that now than it looked like the former. I also think I look younger in it, so my deed was not without second intentions. If I find any pictures in which I look younger still, I'll probably post one of them. I'll have you believe I'm a young middle aged woman yet instead of this aged one. I'll slowly creep back in time and undergo a metamorphosis.

I have hurricane proof hair and it's so hard and spiky that I can poke your eye out. That's just a temporary condition to get it to sit in place this morning. I used hairspray on it when it was still wet and now it's like it's cemented. I have to brush it to get the dangerous elements out and soften it up again. It will definitely stay in place now, there's no danger of even one hair going in the wrong direction or lying down too flat.

I was awakened to the irritating sound of the alarm clock at 8:30. That meant it had been going off for some time, because I had set it for 8 o'clock. I only had slept for two and a half hours, because I had been up the whole night. Somehow I managed to get out of bed and make myself some coffee and drink it quickly so I would come to my senses in the shortest amount of time. I had another cup as fast as I could and I recovered from my stupor in a hurry while I also smoked some cigarettes. All I had to do was get dressed and hop on my bike to go to the clinic to see my psychiatrist. I had one hour and ten minutes to pull myself together before I had to leave. That was enough time to ponder all the bigger questions in life and get dressed.

I had developed a theory about my not being able to sleep during the night and it had to do with a subject that I don't like to think about, let alone discuss on this blog. I always thought that I woke up around 2 am because my sleeping pill was done working and that I wanted to be up because it was the most peaceful time for me to be awake. The fact that I went to bed at 6 am and slept well for a couple of hours, I blamed on the fact that I was trying to postpone the day and all the pressures of it. Until I really tried to sleep through the night and found that such an awful experience and had those awful nightmares.

The theory has to do with the murder of my mother, which to this day is the most shocking and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. My whole life long I had a fear that one day my father would kill my mother. I had this fear since I was a small child and thought I could prevent it from happening. I thought I had the necessary psychological skills and bravery to prevent it. This fear never left me and just before my father actually killed my mother, I felt the fear very strongly.

My father prowled around the house at night very quietly. Some people had said to my mother that she should put a lock on her bedroom door, but for some reason she never did this. I don't know why not. I don't know why she thought she was safe in her sleep when she was in fact at her most vulnerable. My father killed her in the early morning hours, very brutally, with a hammer and a knife. He then smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and after that very calmly called the police and told them what he had done.

I discussed this theory about why I'm not able to sleep during the night with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is very likely that this is the cause of my sleepless nights and that it is something that needs to be worked on very seriously, especially since my dreams take on such gruesome forms.Which goes to show you that some things get easier with time and some things get worse. It all depends on how you've dealt with them.

I made a new appointment and my psychiatrist said that he would inform my SPN whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. He said that considering the circumstances and the fact that I had been rapid cycling, which was his diagnosis, he would not change anything in my medication, as that might bring about the onset of another bout of it.

Writing about this subject makes me very uncomfortable and I feel that I need to move on to something else as quickly as possible. It's like dragging old skeletons out of the closet without getting anyone's permission, but I'm afraid that it's stuck in my head now and I don't know what else to write about. It makes me infinitely sad and I can push that away as I usually do, but it will just put me back into the same position. I am planning on going to sleep at a normal time tonight and I will see what happens. Maybe a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.

I am tired in a really good exhausted way. I feel like I've done a lot of work and am at the end of it, while I'm really only at the beginning.

Have a good night, everyone. 

Ciao,
Nora

It's cold outside...

Today I was forced to change from my tank top and my pretty red cardigan into a turtleneck sweater and a knitted black cardigan, and when I went out to walk Tyke in the afternoon, I wore my warmer brown leather jacket with my big blue scarf doubled up around my neck. I had been freezing my buns off when I met my friend Lucienne for coffee at a café where there was the only non heated terrace in town with the wind blowing right on it and we sat and shivered at the table because we both smoke and didn't want to go inside.

Neither one of us was dressed warm enough, because this kind of weather was not forecast. We wore fall clothes and what we really needed were winter clothes. We should have worn gloves, that's how cold it was. There had been no sunshine in the morning, so the world had not gotten a chance to heat up. On top of that, we were at a café across the station, which is a notorious place for being windy. It wasn't my choice for having a cup of coffee, but that's the way it worked out. We both had appointments with our therapists at the same time and met afterwards and Lucienne had made arrangements to be picked up at that café.

I had to ride my bike home in the cold and swore at myself for being so thinly dressed when I knew ahead of time from the Exfactor that it was cold outside. He had arrived in the morning on his motorcycle complaining that it was cold and he doesn't complain quickly. He had also needed to wear extra clothing. His long johns for one thing. I'm never going to wear thin clothes again from this point onward. It will be double layers from now on and always my thick blue scarf and I will put my gloves in my pocket and look for new ones to buy to match my scarf so that I will be color co-ordinated. You do have to give consideration to these things even if you are cold.

My appointment with my SPN went alright, except that we talked about me getting up in the middle of the night and my subconscious desire to want be up then and to not want to be asleep, although I expressed my wish to want to sleep all night long. Apparently I so enjoy my time during the night that I have programmed myself to be awake after I go to the toilet. The thing to try to do is to go back to sleep immediately and to not even get up for a cigarette and a glass of milk. I wish I had that desire in me, but I have such a big wish to be awake. I don't know what role my dreams play in it.

Tonight I have to try to sleep through the night because I have an appointment at 10 o'clock in the morning with my psychiatrist. I will not have the opportunity to get up and go back to bed and sleep late. So tonight is a test to see if I can do it and sleep decently until the alarm clock goes off and what dreams I will have. I had very sad and complicated dreams this morning and I have to think about them all day long and wonder what they mean. Maybe I make too much of them.

This morning I only had decaf left to drink and let me tell you, that does not work if you are used to regular coffee. I sat here in a stupor, yawning and trying to get my head to clear up while trying to make conversation with the Exfactor. I was nearly incapable of it. I hardly got a word out. Then he went grocery shopping and I walked Tyke and when he got back, the first thing I did was make a pot of coffee and have a cup immediately. It was as if a miracle took place and I became coherent again and my mood improved by a multitude. Actually, the Exfactor became more talkative too, so it had an effect on him also, so decaf was not working for both of us. Apparently he had not had enough coffee yet either.

The Exfactor accidentally bought Fair Trade coffee. He thought it was priced cheaply and didn't find out it was 2 Euros more expensive per pack until he got to the cash register. I had never bought it, but my sister buys it and I always think her coffee tastes bad, so it was with some amount of trepidation that I made the pot of coffee, thinking that it wasn't going to taste as good as the coffee I normally get. But I have to tell you that it was fine and tasted good, so it is all in how well you make it. Apparently my sister doesn't know how to make a good pot of coffee. I use one rounded tablespoon per cup and I think I possibly make strong coffee, but that's the way I like it. Everybody else seems to think so also. I would love to buy Fair Trade coffee all the time, but it would add 4 Euros a week to my grocery bill and I can't afford that. Poor people can't afford to buy ecologically and biologically sound products. We just have to do without. I just can't do without coffee.

I just took Tyke for his last walk of the day. The wind has stopped blowing as much and now it's just pleasantly cold. That thick scarf sure is a pleasure to wear, but I notice that I really need a warmer winter coat, so I will have to save up my money for it, or wear more layers of clothing. I had forgotten what it feels like to be cold and this is just the beginning. I don't mind as much if the wind doesn't blow, but that's the culprit. I still don't have the heater turned on, because  it's still warm inside. The sun shines through the living room windows in the afternoon and heats it up in here. I have closed the bedroom windows because it was getting too cold with them open at night. I was freezing my butt off when I got undressed in the evening when I went to bed. The back of the apartment is in the shade, so definitely cooler and the windows don't have double glazing.

I'm going to cut the top of my hair in a little while. The rest of it has been cut short, but I didn't have the top cut short enough. I can do it myself easily with sharp enough scissors and save 15 Euros, or look ridiculous, but I don't think so, because I used to cut my own hair all the time. I looked at my friend Lucienne's hair today and realized that mine was too long. Hers was shorter and perkier and made her look younger and was better styled. My hair is unruly and hard to tame and only in good shape when it's just been cut. So, before I put my pajamas on I will do that.

Have a good evening, everyone and tell me about your weather.

Ciao,
Nora

For the better part of it...

I woke up after a couple of hours of sleep and was wide awake. I got up immediately and didn't even try to stay in bed and go back to sleep. All I could think was, "Get up, get up, and make the most of it." I didn't want to stay in bed and struggle with sleep and nightmares and tossing and turning, when I could be up and have a good time behind the computer in the quiet time of the middle of the night. I realize that now I have to catch up on my sleep during the day or otherwise pay a terrible price in the form of a depression, but I've got the whole morning to sleep and I assume I will get tired toward the dawn. 

I now realize why I don't like sleeping during the night. It's those nightmares and the tossing and turning and the feeling that the night seems to last forever and be a matter of hard labor that turns me off. That headache I woke up with in the morning, and that I thought had disappeared with the first cup of coffee, returned in full force and lasted all day until I took a paracetamol with codeine. I'm sure it is a stress headache and not a migraine, and several times my neck cracked when I turned it, but I don't think you're supposed to get stress from sleeping. The nightmares bothered me very much and I didn't want a repeat of that.

I did last well all day, though, and didn't feel the need for a nap and my mood was good all day long. I even changed my clothes and got properly dressed and put earrings in. It does feel good to look nice and feel as if you've pulled yourself together, even if it is only for your own benefit and to walk the dog in. At least I enjoyed walking the dog several times, regardless of the never ending sameness of the scenery and it wasn't a chore like it sometimes is. Walking a dog in the suburbs can be very non-challenging and boring. I'm sure it isn't that much fun for the dog either, although he seems to make a big deal out of it and is always tracking something. Maybe he gets a bigger kick out of it than I do and I'm projecting my feelings onto him. 

I have to set the alarm clock for 10 am, because the tobacco shop is only open in the morning on Mondays. I must get my own brand of tobacco, because anything else doesn't taste as good and is thrown away money. The stuff they sell at the supermarket isn't half as nice and comes in inferior containers that have a lot of crumb in them. I guess you could say that when it comes to tobacco, I am a connoisseur and that's why I have it specially ordered. 

I have just taken my morning medication and am waiting for that to work. I should be more relaxed in just a while. Subconsciously a lot of tension creeps in as the day grows nearer. I start to worry about how the day will go and about the things I'm supposed to do and I always feel like I'm not up to doing them. They overwhelm me, simple as they are. I'm starting to get a headache and I guess that's the new way the stress is going to manifest itself.

I'm waiting to get tired now. I expect I'll get sleepy soon, but I don't feel it yet. I think I will wait until it's time to take Tyke for a walk and then maybe go to bed. It's cold outside and the cool air should do wonders for my headache. It will shock it right back to where it came from. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleeping successfully...

I finally did it. I managed to sleep for 12 hours, with one minor break in it at one point during the night. I slept so much that, when I first got up this morning, I had a headache from it. It was cured pretty quickly with a cup of coffee. I got up during the night and was very disappointed, thinking I would be up for hours. I got a glass of milk and smoked a cigarette and answered some emails and went back to bed, very determined to fall asleep again, and I did. 

I did have the most awful dreams about the American War for Independence and death and mutilation and murder. It was all very graphic and gruesome and I felt the pain in my sleep. I don't know why I have to dream about such violent things. They are what I am most scared of. A whole night's worth of sleep sure gives you the opportunity to dream a lot and my imagination apparently knows no bounds. All I can tell you is that dying by bullet is a kinder way to go than dying by sword or knife. 

Now it very happily is Sunday, the day of rest, and I am more than ready for it. All I have to do is go to the gas station to buy cigarettes, because with all that sleeping I did during the day yesterday, I forgot to go to the tobacco shop and I've used up the last crumbs of tobacco to make myself some cigarettes. I will not let that spoil the day, however, and I'm planning to make the most of it. The church bells are joyfully ringing and the sun is shining and it promises to be a nice day. 

Actually, it is the kind of day that makes you want to go to Ikea and buy things for your apartment to liven it up, because the drive over there is pretty too and it is so much fun to walk around in the store and to covet all the things that are on display. Alas, the budget does not allow it, unless I go rob the gas station and I'm too law abiding to do that. Imagine having the nerve to do that and having to live with the knowledge afterwards. I think I could only get away with robbing a really rich Arab of his pocket money, lol. But he probably only carries credit cards. 

The Exfactor was just here on his way to Belgium to see how I was doing. I think that was very kind of him, because the last time I talked to him on the phone I was not doing so well. Luckily, I only needed to mention rapid cycling and sleep and he understood what was going on because we've been through this before. I made a new pot of coffee and we smoked my last two cigarettes. You can't say that I don't share. It was good to seem him and I was glad he came by so unexpectedly. 

This did necessitate a quick trip to the gas station to replenish my supply of cigarettes and I hopped on my bike in the bright sunshiny day. I needed a jacket, but the sky was bright blue and everywhere there were people out enjoying the day, pretending it was still summertime and dressed in a variety of clothes, the more optimistic ones with bare arms. It isn't really that warm outside yet, but if you are in the sun and out of the wind, it is pleasant. The Dutch adore the sun and seek it out even when it is cool outside. 

I'm carelessly dressed and just put on what was lying in the chair in my bedroom. I'm not even wearing earrings.This morning I didn't give a hoot. I didn't even bother very much with my hair, which was sticking up and which I sort of got into shape with a comb and some hairspray. I couldn't be bothered and I think a person ought to be allowed days like that too. I would wear sweat pants and a T-shirt if I had those. Or an old pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. It's really too bad that you can't get away dressing like that over here. You always have to look presentable, even when you're having an off day. Even if you're dressed casually, you have to look good, like you put some thought into it. I will put together a better outfit in a minute because I have to walk the dog and I'm sure the dog cares. Lol. 

Boy, sleeping nights sure is a lot of work. I feel like I've done a lot of labor and that the night lasted a long time. I hope it gets easier, because it's not something I look forward to now. All night long I was very much aware that I had to sleep and that I had to stay in bed and that I was uncomfortable doing so, and then those dreams!

Allez, I'm going to change my clothes and walk the dog. It will be nice out and good to get some fresh air. I'm sure the dog will enjoy it too. 

Have a very good day!

Ciao,
Nora