Feeling my oats...

I'm really on my way to bed but temporarily got sidetracked about 30 minutes ago. I'm still planning on going there soon but I'll let myself be delayed for a little while longer. I'll pretend to not be in a hurry and that my bed is something I'm not looking forward to very much. That's only half true. I'll let you figure out which half is true. 

I'm also temporarily in a good enough mood. That's surprising because for the last few days I have been grumpy. I do want to take advanatge of this good mood and write a cheerful post even if I have not much to say. I very often have not much to say and somehow I manage to write a post anyway. That's when I write what is called a bunch of bull. 

I don't know why I have been grumpy these last few days. I'm getting enough sleep, so that's not the problem. I'm eating well, so I'm not going hungry. I don't smoke anymore, of course, but I'm still getting nicotine through the patches. I'm not going through withdrawal. I'm just grumpy for no apparent reason. 

I'm sure there is a cause but it's not clear to me. I would have to be deeply analyzed to find it out. I don't know if I want to make quite that much effort. I figure that sooner or later I'll get over being grumpy and be in a good mood again permanently or for as long as it lasts. Whichever comes first. 

I had bacon and eggs for dinner but it wasn't the deeply satisfying experience it should have been. I think this was because the eggs weren't biological eggs and they didn't taste as good. The yolks weren't nearly as tasty as they should have been. I opted for quantity over quality and regret it now, but you live and learn.

I think now that I can eat more normally, I will start eating open faced sandwiches again. I have a hunkering for chicken, lettuce, tomato and mayonaise on wheatbread.  That sounds absolutely delicious. I wish I had one right now. I will have to make a good shopping list on Tuesday. It's too bad that I have to wait until that time. 

Oh, I'm just having cravings now. It's that time of the evening again when I always get them. Normally I feel like eating ice cream. I better have a glass of ice cold milk. That will take care of it. 

When I feel cravings, it's time to go to bed. It will be fun to go in search of it, although it shouldn't be too hard to find. I'm already looking forward to getting under the warm duvet. Sleeping is wonderful. The moment of awakening is sheer bliss, even though it only lasts a second.

Have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

The shutters of my mind are closed...

I'm temporarily shut off from my good feelings. I hope it's temporary and not a permanent condition. I'd hate to go through life this way. I really do see things in shades of gray now and black is another prominent color. Lord knows that they are not attractive shades of color to see your life in. I need something brighter than this. 

Let's blame it on the absence of sunlight. It has been dreary all day and cold too. The sky has been overcast and gray and it has been raining. Not exactly the kind of weather to feel optimistic about. 

I know that's not really the reason for my bad mood, but I'm pretending it is. I'd have to dig deep within myself to find the real reason and that may be too much work. Normally I'm all for analyzing myself, but something is witholding me now. Call it my angry little stubborn streak. I feel very ornery at this moment.

Chances are that I'll talk myself right out of it if I sit here long enough. I know I can never stay permanently grumpy. But I don't know if I'm only grumpy or if there's somthing more the matter. I suppose I'll know that tomorrow when I get up and start a new day. Now is not the time to know for sure. 

You shouldn't pay any attention to me. I probably got out on the wrong side of the bed when I got up from my nap earlier this evening. I had been to see my sister and got home late in the afternoon and was very tired. I took a nap when it was not really a good time to take one. I'm a little bit off schedule as a result. 

You see how I can trivialize my bad mood and make it not at all important anymore. It doesn't even deserve the words I'm wasting on it. 

I think I will go and eat some dinner now. I need to feed my body. I can't live on ice cold milk alone. It did taste very good, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

English tea...

I'm having a pot of ordinary tea (it is called English tea) and it's not keeping me awake. I sat here reading blogs and I was slowly drifting off to sleep in my chair. "Well, go to bed then," I hear you all say, but I don't quite want to do that yet. I want to sit here in a stupor and see if I can write a post first while I break out into a sweat from the effort. 

Oh right, that may be from the hot tea. It does taste very nice and I hoped that whatever caffeine was in it would keep me awake, but it doesn't quite work like that, I guess. There is a difference between coffee and ordinary tea, apparently.

It did get me over the grumpiness that I felt when I had just gotten up. I'm grateful for that because that's the one big reason why I drink the coffee. It's to alter my mood, but the tea seems to have done the job too. I do have to say that I make strong tea. It is almost black and the sugar makes it sweet. Strong, sweet tea. Isn't that supposed to cure what ails you? 

Darn, it's hard to stay awake. I have to try and think of something interesting. It's hard to do when only some parts of your brain are functioning and others are in sleep mode. Maybe I can wake them up with a glass of ice cold milk. Sort of shock them into alertness. It's worth a try. 

I didn't stay up to watch 'Midsomer Murders' last night. I was too tired and went to bed early. That's because I didn't have my afternoon nap. Middle aged women like I do need their beauty sleep. I'll even miss a good thriller for that. 

I just let the dog out back and stood outside in the cold night air. There was a pleasant wind blowing and it cooled me off quite nicely.Now I'll appreciate getting under the duvet all the more. 

It's time to go back to bed, although I've stopped yawning and am alert again. The cold milk worked. Well, up to a point it did. I am somewhat looking forward to going back to sleep. I do know that I need at least several more hours. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

An innocent dog...

He is sound asleep in the armchair now and you wouldn't think that he is guilty of waking me up out of a sound sleep, but he is, that darn dog. He had to go out and do a piddle and as a result I am sitting here somewhat grumpy and not quite awake with a cup of coffee. 

He was softly barking at me to let me know that he needed to go out and he couldn't be ignored. It's very irritating to listen to when you are trying to sleep because he keeps it up at a steady pace. There's no rest for the wicked or even for those who have been good as gold. 

Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocents, not even the cat can wake him, and I'm sitting here yawning. But I will be alright after another cup of coffee and not be grumpy any longer. I already feel my mood improve after this first cup. You can't keep a good woman down forever. At least not for the duration of the night.

Speaking of keeping a good woman down, in two weeks time I am going to start decreasing my anti-psychotics in 0.5 mg increments. My psychiatrist has decided that I'm going to do it very slowly so as not to cause any mood disturbances. He said that we should have learned our lessons from the past and not decrease them too quickly. 

I can only concur and agree to this course of action. I want to decrease a total of 2 mg so that will take me several weeks. I'm much less cocky and assured of myself than I was at earlier attempts when I overestimated my ability to decrease them. I think I actually got in trouble because of that attitude. Hopefully this time things will go much better. 

I got a flat tire on the way home from seeing my psychiatrist and had to walk my way home with my bike. Luckily, it wasn't too far. I have to pump up my tire and see if it is a true leak or just a slowly emptying tire. If it is the latter, the tire won't have to be patched, which will save a lot of work. For the Exfactor anyway. 

I had a nice enough day. Nothing too exciting happened, which is fine with me. I like uneventful days for the most part. I talked to both my sisters on the phone and listened to their tales of woe, leaving me feeling frustrated. And then having to push away that feeling because there's nothing I can do about any of it. Their's are ongoing sagas that seem to have no endings. 

That's why I like my life uncomplicated. There's enough excitement in the lives of the people around me. I function as a sounding board. I hear it all. I would hate to have complications in my own life on top of that. I do appreciate the simplicity of my days. 

Yesterday we had beautiful weather. The sky was blue and the sun was shining all day. Today things are going to look a little differently. It's going to be colder and overcast and rainy and it's going to stay cooler for the next couple of days.

That means a change of clothes and I will have to look through my closet and see what is appropriate. Hopefully, something fun will jump out at me. I'm sure there are still forgotten clothes there that I will rediscover.

I've got to go and rediscover my bed. It's time to sleep some more. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

At the stroke of midnight...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here with a big mug of coffee and a cigarette. I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can be and not worry about a thing. I don't actually have that much to worry about, but I just feel the general sort of tension that comes with being alive. My shoulders and back are tight and sore and I'm trying to relax them. I could use a good massage. Instead I have taken a painkiller and it should work shortly. It will probably also put me to sleep because it has codeine in it.

I've developed a cough and I think I have just a touch of bronchitis. No doubt that has to do with the time of year and the weather. It's been so cold and damp, although yesterday we had partial sunshine and will have again today. The humidity is high, though. When I was a child, I used to get bronchitis at this time of the year. I had some issues with allergies too, although I'm supposed to have outgrown those now. I still suspect those play a role, but I may be mistaken.

I've got empty and serene days ahead of me when nobody will come here and disturb my peace and quiet. I have no domestic help coming here on Friday. She has a day off because of carnival. This weekend carnival is celebrated and here, down South, it is a very big deal for a couple of days. It's something you have to experience at least once and I have. I don't participate in it anymore now, but it is fun to do. You do have to be able to consume large quantities of beer.

I'm glad because of the empty days because I'm still grumpy and I'm not feeling very sociable yet. I discussed this with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is fine. As long as it is not bothering me personally and I am happy withdrawing inside my own comfort zone, he is not worried. He thinks it's a defense mechanism. It's when you have a little bit of an overdose of the world and you need some time on your own to recuperate.

I'm going to take advantage of the days and spend them as relaxed as is possible. I will pretend I'm ill and treat myself in that manner. That means I'll spoil myself. I won't do it otherwise. I always have to pretend I'm ill in order to completely relax and enjoy the days off. I still have to do my chores and walk the dog, but it will be with a different attitude that I do them and with less pressure on myself. I won't feel like I will be performing duties. 

I'm taking advantage of the nights too because I don't feel that I have to stick to a strict schedule. I'm enjoying these quiet hours in the darkness and feel pretty good. The painkiller is working and my back and shoulders feel a lot better. It's nice to be relieved of the pain and I can sit upright a lot easier now. I also don't feel the pressure that I have to be in bed by a certain time. I will go when I'm good and ready. The nights are always the times when I'm most relaxed and feel most at ease. I feel so protected by them. 

Take advantage of your best hours.

Ciao,

Nora