Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

On the success of not smoking...

I've had to keep myself entertained yesterday because I couldn't waste my time sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and numerous cigaerettes. That was onne of the methods I used to sit and contemplate my navel, but it is no longer possible since I quit smoking. I do still sit in my armchair on occasion but I don't contamplate my navel too much. I'm really not lost in thought as I dreamily peak through the clouds of smoke I exhale. 

I have to find other ways to fill my time now and it can be a bit of a problem because I'm an organized person and there really isn't that much to do. Yes, if I really think about it long and hard, I can think of chores to do that I've been putting off and that need my attention but they are not pressing matters. They are not shouting out at me to be done. 

I think what I'll do is take a trash bag and make a round through the apartment and just start filling the bag with obsolete items, be they big or small. I'll get rid of anything I'm doubtfull about and that includes the items that are in drawers and baskets that are sitting around. These are the catch all places in which things dispappear and then never see daylight again. 

It's almost 24 hours since I've quit smoking and it hasn't been difficult. Of course this is the third time I've quit and it is all so familiar to me. I really don't have much of a problem not lighting up a cigarette and very seldom feel that I have to. Sometimes I have a longing for one but the feeling is short lived. I just imagine myself inhaling smoke and how awful that really is and that helps me get over it. 

I aired out the apartment very well yesterday. I opened all the windows, and because it was windy outside, a good draft blew through. I don't smell the difference because no doubt my sense of smell is still impaired but I'll repeat the process today until I can be fairly sure that it smells good in here. I do have to spray the furniture with Febreze to get the smoky sell out of it.

It threatened to rain all day yesterday so I didn't hang any of my clothes outside to air on the clothes line. As it was, it didn't rain at all. I think I will just wash most of them in that good smelling washing powder and have that be good enough. There's still rain forecast for the next few days so I will dry them on the clothes rack in the bathroom. . 

I had an opportunity to smoke yesterday when I was at the hairdresser. I was offered a cup of coffee and a cigarette but I turned both down. I can't start making exceptions and I simply don't want to smoke anymore. I'm doing very well without it. 

I did get a good haircut and I'm happy with it. It's very easy to take care of hair and I should have gone in sooner. I thought it was barely time to have it cut but I was wrong. I could have gone a week ago or sooner. I was using way too much hairspray to keep my hairdo in place. 

Middle aged women do look better if they have decent haircuts. 

Ciao,

Irene

Hurray!

This morning I had to take the dog for a half hour walk to the trim salon. Some of that walk was a bit uphill. I had mentally prepared myself to make it knowing that it was going to wear me out because I try to walk at a steady pace. The sun was shining and there was again a blustery wind. Even though the dog tried to dawdle along the way, we made it in half an hour and I only had to rest for a few minutes before I was ready to make the walk home again. 

Once I got home, I was a little bit sore in some areas of my body and I took a painkiller to prevent worse. Then I drank a couple of glasses of milk while I rested up in my armchair. I made sure I didn't slouch but that my back was supported well because that's where my problems seem to start when I walk a distance. An hour later I got myself together and walked the half hour back to the trim salon. 

When I got there, the dog saw me through the glass front door and went nuts. He tried to dig a hole through it to get to me. Needless to say, I got quite an emotional welcome once I was inside. The dog was quite beside himself with joy and he was more than ready to go home which we did leisurely and it took us forty minutes.

The cat was waiting for us behind the front door and was seemingly very happy to see the dog. The dog was happy to be home. He was quite wound up from his adventure and I had to settle him down by petting him for a long time and speaking to him gently. He's now sound asleep in the armchair but ever so alert to my every move. I can't do anything without him waking up and coming over to investigate. 

He does look very good with his short fur and when he walks, his short trimmed nails make a tip tap sound on the linoleum. It sounds very funny, as if he is a little lady walking on her high heels.

The Exfactor had brought me the new coffeemaker on his way to work, which was really out of the way and very kind of him, so I could finally make some decent coffee. Let me tell you something, it tastes great. I didn't know what I'd been missing. I've seldom enjoyed a cup of coffee as much as I enjoyed that first cup and I need not have worried about my coffee making skills, they are intact.

Now I've got to take a nap. I'm slightly tired and my feet hurt. I really don't have the proper footwear to go for longer walks in, at least not at a steady pace. I must investigate how much a pair of good sport shoes cost. My feet need more support. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

No, I'm not a harried housewfie...

It is now day three since I quit smoking and my most successful day so far. I don't nearly feel the frustration today that I felt the first two days. I still want to light up a cigarette all the time, but I'm less disappointed when I realize that I can't. I'm finding my peace with it, I guess. 

I don't nearly have enough things to do during the day now that I don't spend it smoking and frantically try to think of activities. It's difficult to sit and do nothing. I have to keep myself busy and I have the energy for it also. The apartment has never been so organized.

I do take the dog for walks when I'm bored and make the walks a bit longer than they used to be. We both benefit from that. I try to think of interesting routes to follow that we have not gone on before and take all sorts of side streets. The dog thinks it's great and happily follows me.

I've spent time redecorating the livingroom and all I have left to do now is make a curtain shorter and I will do that tomorrow when I have nothing else on the program. The sewing machine isn't working so I will use iron on tape to make the hem with. After the sewing machine is repaired, I will fix the hem properly.

I've got a new chair to sit in with a new cushion and a new pillow in it. I feel like I'm sitting on a throne. The problem is that the cat has decided that this is her chair as well and lies down in it whenever I get up. When I want to sit down in it, I have to disturb her and I feel bad about doing that, even though she gets to lie down on my lap. The dog thinks it's strange when I sit down on the sofa instead and chases the cat out of the chair. I don't want his loyalty to me to go quite that far, but he feels called upon to do this.

I've got to take the dog for a walk. He's sitting beside me begging to go and I can't ignore him any longer. Off we go. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Executive decisions...

Yesterday I decided to find a way out of my depression and started out the day immediately with a dose of tranquilizers. This had me feeling well very soon and I went from a vegetative state, in which I achieved nothing, into a functioning one in which I got chores done almost cheerfully. 

Not only that, sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel turned into a fun activity again during which I felt very mellow and relaxed. I was not stressed about the things I had to get done and knew I would finish them all in good time. I had an overall change of attitude. 

With every dose of medicines I had to take during the day, I took a dose of tranquilizers and they kept me on an even keel. My mood was good and I didn't sink into the dark depths of despair, nor did I have any unwanted thoughts kidnapping my mind.

I got all of my chores done without feeling like they were overwhelming me. I took a break between each chore and rewarded myself with something to drink and a cigarette. This way, I painlessly got one chore done after another. Things should always be this easy. It made me realize how much stress I always walk around with regardless of the depression. 

Now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of freshly made coffee and I feel good. That's also because I don't dread the coming day. I know I will be alright and that the day will not be a god awful battle to get through. It will not be filled with negativism and sadness. I will mostly be filled with peaceful feelings and the knowledge of that gives me courage.

But it's nice to be up in the middle of the night anyway and enjoy the peace and quiet of the darkness. It has stopped raining and it is a clear night. Yesterday we had a lot of rain and thunderstorms. There will be showers today and it won't be very warm. 

I will definitely have to wear a warm sweater when I go see my sister in the afternoon and I don't think that we will be sitting in her garden. We'd probably get rained on. I just stood outside by the back door to let out the dog and it was mighty chilly out there. Can you believe that for August? It's supposed to be balmy weather now, even at night. 

I best go back to sleep for a while. It isn't quite time to stay up yet. I have to go put my somewhat chilled body under the duvet. 

Have a great Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

By the wayside of my life...

I'm not in the mood for finishing the book 'Angels & Insects' by A.S. Byatt after having seen the movie, so I just now picked out another novel from the ones on the bookcase that I haven't read yet. It is 'The Abortionist's Daughter' by Elizabeth Hyde and I know very little about it except what I've read on the back cover. I'm taking a chance and hope that I will like it well enough. 

I haven't read anything by this author that I can remember, although some of the titles of her other novels look familiar. I can't say for sure if I've read any of them, though. I will let you know what I think of this one when I'm into it a bit. I've become a critical reader, so novels have to live up to a high standard. I'm afraid I've become spoiled by a few excellent ones I've read this past year. 

The energy I put into reading a book is precious and can't be wasted. I feel that it really has to be worth my while to take the time to sit and read it. It's very often an effort that I have to make and it's not always something that comes easy. It helps if a novel really grabs me with it's good prose and credibility and sense of compassion for the characters. I dislike it if the author's too far fetched fantasy wears me out me and pushes my 'hard-to-believe-button'. 

It's still in the middle of the night, although some people would be optimistic and call this the very early morning. It's not going to be light for some time and I'm facing a totally empty day. That is a day of no appointments and no excessive chores. I will have to find other ways to fill my day. I am sure my imagination will not forsake me and then there's always the Tour de France to watch.

I changed the sheets on the bed last night and found two duvet covers in the closet that I had forgotten about, so now I'm sleeping under little red roses. The covers are as good as new because I've hardly used them and had overlooked them being on the bottom shelf. They were just part of the unseen interior of the closet. They were unnoticeably there. I'm richer than I thought I was.

I saw my SPN yesterday. I don't know how well it went. I was teary eyed at the prospect of not seeing her anymore after September and as it is now, I only see her once every three weeks. I asked for another therapist after she's gone and was relieved to hear that my psychiatrist had already broached that subject with her. I don't think I can quite make it on my own and I think I'm going to fall into a bit of a hole when she's gone. 

I don't do well with changes and this will be a big change as she's played such a crucial role in my life. I have to properly prepare myself for it and not act like it's just nothing at all. I mustn't ignore my feelings by sticking my head in the sand and I can't approach everything rationally only. 

I think I will sit and read my book for a while in my armchair until I go back to bed. It's still not dawn yet. I will take my medicines which will make me sleepy. I can sleep late today. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Upwardly middle aged blogging...

I'm so very thirsty, I could drink two liters of cold milk easily. Instead I'm having a cup of coffee which is waking me up, but is not doing much to quench my thirst. It is very good coffee, I've got that down to a science. As long as I make exactly six cups, I know precisely how much ground coffee to put in the filter. That's one formula I know. I should be able to make four cups and eight, but I haven't tried that yet. I always make six. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and had lost a kilo. I wasn't expecting that and was pleasantly surprised. After all, it is in the middle of the night and that's not when I weight the least. All the signs were pointing to it, though. My clothes are roomy and I move around very easily as if I am a skinny person. Maybe I should get used to that and think of myself as one, but I still have what is so kindly called, love handles. I think they are the bane of middle age. 

I have a flat belly and no bottom and no fat on my thighs. I guess you could say I'm blessed, because at least I don't have a pear shape like so many women do. So, I very consciously count my blessings. When it comes to my hip hugging jeans, they don't have too much hip to hug. I'm the perfect candidate for them. I would have been wearing them sooner had I known this earlier, but then again, timing is everything in life and this is probably when I'm meant to wear them.

I think I've had enough coffee because I'm sufficiently awake. I couldn't be more alert than I am now. I've been drinking it from my favorite mug: the one that has my name on it. It's just big enough so that I can finish the coffee before it gets cold. I wish all my mugs were this size. A lot of them are too big and I always end up drinking cold coffee or having to toss it out. Not a lot of thought goes into the design of coffee mugs. It must be thought that bigger is better, as it is with everything in this day and age. 

Except, of course, that women are supposed to be an unobtainable size zero, which is only achieved by being anorexic and having an overindulgent exercise program. I do say this after proudly proclaiming that I've lost another kilo. 

I was supposed to have watched 'Wallander' last night, but it was on late and I didn't have the energy to stay up to watch it. I went to bed a half hour before it came on. I was only half sorry that I missed it needing my sleep so much. There's nothing I look forward to more than going to bed at night, sleeping for the few hours that I do anyway. 

The dog and the cat get on the bed with me and we have a cuddling session before everybody settles down for the night. There's sure a lot of loving going around. The dog is especially nice to pet now that all of his thick curls have been trimmed. He's a smooth dog and my fingers don't get tangled in his fur. He smells better too. 

Today it's supposed to be 24C and tomorrow and the day after that it will be 32C. It will be a regular heatwave. After that the temperatures are going down and we will have rain again. I'm going to have to dress appropriately and this will be the perfect opportunity to wash both pairs of skinny jeans on a high temperature to shrink them a bit. They are a little bit roomy. I could have done with a smaller size, but I thought that was impossible and too hard to believe.

I will now go and see what other sort of trouble I can get into. I've got to take my medicines because it has become dawn. I'm not ready yet to go back to bed. Maybe I will sit in my armchair and read my novel. I've got a tall glass of cold milk to quench my thirst.

I hope you'll all have a very good Sunday. Don't exhaust yourselves doing too many things. It is a day of rest, after all. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's good to be back.

It had been my intention to go to bed tonight just like ordinary people do at some point, but for whatever reason. it didn't work out that way and I find myself wide awake behind the computer doing all sorts of interesting things. At least, I find them interesting and they have been a source of entertainment to me this past hour or so.

Of course, I have been up much longer than that, but I have been able to fill my time with enough useful things because I have felt no desire to go to bed. It is absolutely cozy here by the light of the desk lamp and in the quiet of the night with only the company of the animals.

I know that sooner or later I will have to go to bed, but I think I can postpone it for a while longer. I'm most definitely not yawning or in any other way showing signs of sleepiness. As soon as I do, I will make the right decision and find my spot under the duvet where I will no doubt sleep like a log.

Every once in a while I have a night like this when I don't have the desire to go to sleep. It's too exciting to be up in the middle of the night and to keep going until the early morning. It's usually when the dawn is about to come that I am ready to go to bed after such a very long night. I didn't sleep last night either. I never was able to get to sleep. I laid in bed uselessly until I gave up and got up again.

I blame it on the fact that for some reason there was no good thriller on TV last night.  This was contrary to my expectations and upset my schedule. I found myself having to go to bed too early while I was not really ready to. There was nothing on TV that I wanted to watch, but it turned out that there was nothing on the radio I wanted to listen to either. So I laid in bed pretty bored.

I can always think of a sure way to entertain myself and that's behind the computer. I'm rarely bored if I'm occupied that way. There's always an email to answer or a blog post to comment on. I get around to the ones that I didn't have time for before. I reread blog posts with more attention and take my time commenting.

I'm taking my sweet old time to finish this post because I'm dawdling a lot. My mind keeps wandering off to other things. It wants to be occupied with subjects that don't matter right now. You could say that I'm easily distracted. Maybe I'm getting tired. That would not be a bad thing.

I do have a bit of a backache but that's from sitting slumped in my armchair. It is too comfortable for me and I always end up in the wrong position and have to very carefully extract myself from it at the end of the evening without putting myself through a lot of pain. Once I'm up, I'm okay again.

I think I will look at my templates and see if I'm happy with them. I may have to play around with them a bit.

Have a good morning when you get up. I will be asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

An innocent dog...

He is sound asleep in the armchair now and you wouldn't think that he is guilty of waking me up out of a sound sleep, but he is, that darn dog. He had to go out and do a piddle and as a result I am sitting here somewhat grumpy and not quite awake with a cup of coffee. 

He was softly barking at me to let me know that he needed to go out and he couldn't be ignored. It's very irritating to listen to when you are trying to sleep because he keeps it up at a steady pace. There's no rest for the wicked or even for those who have been good as gold. 

Now he is sleeping the sleep of the innocents, not even the cat can wake him, and I'm sitting here yawning. But I will be alright after another cup of coffee and not be grumpy any longer. I already feel my mood improve after this first cup. You can't keep a good woman down forever. At least not for the duration of the night.

Speaking of keeping a good woman down, in two weeks time I am going to start decreasing my anti-psychotics in 0.5 mg increments. My psychiatrist has decided that I'm going to do it very slowly so as not to cause any mood disturbances. He said that we should have learned our lessons from the past and not decrease them too quickly. 

I can only concur and agree to this course of action. I want to decrease a total of 2 mg so that will take me several weeks. I'm much less cocky and assured of myself than I was at earlier attempts when I overestimated my ability to decrease them. I think I actually got in trouble because of that attitude. Hopefully this time things will go much better. 

I got a flat tire on the way home from seeing my psychiatrist and had to walk my way home with my bike. Luckily, it wasn't too far. I have to pump up my tire and see if it is a true leak or just a slowly emptying tire. If it is the latter, the tire won't have to be patched, which will save a lot of work. For the Exfactor anyway. 

I had a nice enough day. Nothing too exciting happened, which is fine with me. I like uneventful days for the most part. I talked to both my sisters on the phone and listened to their tales of woe, leaving me feeling frustrated. And then having to push away that feeling because there's nothing I can do about any of it. Their's are ongoing sagas that seem to have no endings. 

That's why I like my life uncomplicated. There's enough excitement in the lives of the people around me. I function as a sounding board. I hear it all. I would hate to have complications in my own life on top of that. I do appreciate the simplicity of my days. 

Yesterday we had beautiful weather. The sky was blue and the sun was shining all day. Today things are going to look a little differently. It's going to be colder and overcast and rainy and it's going to stay cooler for the next couple of days.

That means a change of clothes and I will have to look through my closet and see what is appropriate. Hopefully, something fun will jump out at me. I'm sure there are still forgotten clothes there that I will rediscover.

I've got to go and rediscover my bed. It's time to sleep some more. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

Alertness at the wrong time...

I'm not at all supposed to be awake now, but the dog climbed on top of me while I was sound asleep and started being grumpy at me as if he wanted me to wake up in a hurry and I did. I tried to push him off, but he was insistent that I get up. He pulled the duvet right off me and pushed his nose against my body in effort to get me to move.

I finally had to get up out of bed before he was satisfied and he settled down as soon as I had gotten a cup of coffee and sat down behind the computer. Isn't he quite the character? He's sound asleep now in the armchair as if he had nothing to do with me being up. He's as innocent as a newborn baby. 

He didn't want anything else. He didn't want to go out for a piddle or want a treat or a fresh drink of water. He just seemed to want me to be up. Apparently he appreciates my watchful company. It probably makes him feel more secure. Maybe he doesn't like to feel alone in the dark. Or he has gotten so used to me being up in the middle of the night that he thinks it's normal.

That leaves me sitting here in the middle of the night, slightly sleepy headed and with some empty time to fill. I usually know how to take care of that. A post is quickly written. Or as slowly as I want. I can take all the time in the world to do it. All I have to do is make sure that I'm up at 9 o'clock in the morning when my psychiatrist is going to call me. 

I mustn't miss that call. I'll have to set the alarm clock for it so I will be coherent when he does call. I have to make sure that I've had a few cups of coffee before I talk to him. The worst thing in the world is talking to someone on the phone right when you've woken up. You are so vulnerable when you do and you can't think straight yet. They've really got you at a disadvantage. 

At least I went to bed at a decent time last night. I got my pajamas on early and watched a consumer program on TV, but it was only mildly interesting. I guess I'm supposed to get outraged every week, but I've ceased to be because nothing surprises me anymore. They do have to find new items every week to air on their program. 

It does go to show you how much there's screwed up in this country, but I can't get excited about everything. We live in a banana republic. Things that don't work well here have been resolved perfectly well in surrounding countries and we're just muddling along, especially with the government of major cutbacks that we have now. All we have to do is look how they're done across the border. And successfully so. 

Don't get me started. All things lead to politics. Badly done politics.

I mustn't get bogged down in that and focus my vision on a totally different subject. I'll talk about the weather instead which was decidedly cold yesterday, although the sun was shining all day. There was a cold wind blowing from the north east and it was only 15C. I needed both my cardigan and my jacket when I went outside to walk the dog. 

The weather is going to slowly improve by the end of the week and it will be a little warmer by the weekend. I don't mind if it's cold as long as I'm dressed for it. The fact that the sun shines makes it easier. It stays light late now and the days last long. This pleases me very much and I'm happy for all the hours of daylight. I wouldn't mind a bit of rain, especially because there are wildfires here and there. These are started by opportunistic arsonists who are hard to catch. 

The fires get started on the moors and they smolder underground in the peat for a long time, even when it looks like they have been put out. They need infra red cameras to see where the fire is still alive and tackle it there. They use firetrucks and helicopters with big water bags to fight the fires.

That's about as interesting as I can get right now. This post has gotten long enough anyway. I mustn't bore you. I will go and find some other way to amuse myself right now because I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. Hopefully, something joyful will pass my path. 

I hope you're all having a good night or are about to. I hope your weather is treating you right and that your government is also. 

Ciao,

Nora

The silence of midnight...

I've already been asleep, but an untimely need to go to the toilet woke me up and needless to say, I can't go back to sleep afterwards because I'm wide awake by the time I've done that and let the dog out back. There's no need in me to go back to bed and get cozy under the duvet and continue sleeping. I'm as alert as if I've slept for hours and I'm ready to be up and do a days worth of work. 

Of course, later on I will get tired again and go back to sleep, but that will be after I've been up for a long while and have generally made a nuisance out of myself in some way by changing my blog templates or doing other silly things such as leave many comments and write many emails that are maybe unnecessary and uncalled for. Sometimes I will take any opportunity to make a noise and have an opinion, although I think all of them are actually well grounded and well meant. I don't make empty noises. 

Yesterday was a Saturday like many others. I didn't exactly outperform myself. I laid as low as I possibly could with the exception that I walked the dog at regular times. Most of the time I sat in my armchair and watched television because I was trying to not turn on the computer. I'm trying to drop that bad habit during the day because I turn it on when I am bored and write posts out of boredom and that has to be the worst reason to write posts.

Luckily, there are cultural programs on  television on Saturday although some of them are of dubious quality, but I suffer through those. I pretend to watch those for anthropological reasons to see what interests the common masses. The Dutch language hit parade is not something that normally turns me on. That's worthy of a whole study in itself. It's a strange phenomenon that is almost totally devoid of quality. I'm always pleasantly surprised when there's at least one halfway decent song on that does not make my toes curl in my shoes. 

I was trying to get through the day with the least amount of aggravation. Sometimes I appreciate the weekends and sometimes I don't. Sometimes they are just long boring days to get through, especially when all my chores are done. For some reason, I'm all caught up. I don't know how that happened either. Normally I save up some things to do.  I even trimmed the fur around the dog's eyes so he would be able to see well again. It grows very quickly and he peeks through it. 

I appreciate the fact that I don't have any chores to do to speak of, but I have to find more interesting ways to keep myself occupied besides laying low and watching television. I think it was the mood I was in today that was the cause of that and the news of the major incident of the lone gunman who killed and wounded so many people in that shopping mall in Alphen aan de Rijn. 

It was on the news immediately in the afternoon and on for the rest of the day as more information came in. It was not something to make you feel very cheerful because things like this don't happen here and it was quite shocking. We know that children were shot, but the authorities won't yet tell us if they are amongst the people who were killed. I wasn't going to mention it at all, but it's bothering me more than I realized. I suppose we will find out more in the morning. 

I suppose on that sad note I will leave you as there is nothing to add. 

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora

Reclaiming my space...

I thought I would go to bed early, but it didn't work out. I laid there in the semi dark frustratingly awake, while I was willing myself to go to sleep. My head couldn't handle these two conflicting messages and became confused and then the dog started to bark. 

That's when I got up and turned on the computer. What else is there to do? I've also made a pot of coffee, of course. I will be up for a couple of hours.  I'm yawning and slightly sleepy headed, but in a very pleasant way. I'm mellow and good natured. My feet are slightly cold, but the rest of me is toasty warm in my bathrobe.

I have the heater turned off and the bedroom window open. I figure it's springtime now and that's how it should be, even at night. It took a while for me to get warm in my bed, especially my feet, but I was warm enough by the time I got up again. 

It was so early when I went to bed, that I heard the birds sing their evening song through the open window. It was a pleasure to listen to. There is one bird in particular that has quite a repertoire. I heard it last year too and in the morning, but was unable to identify it, even when I went to the site of European songbirds and listened to all the different songs. 

I did the dishes today and all the laundry, but unfortunately was unable to hang any of the laundry outside to dry because of the rain. I at least want to hang the sheets and pillow cases outside to dry because it such a pleasure to have them on my bed when I change it. I would change the bed even more often if the linens had been dried outside. 

The stack of dishes didn't turn out to be such a horrible job. I first soaked them in a sink with hot soapy water while I had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then I tackled them with a scrub sponge and got them sparkling clean. I rinsed them and let them air dry and then put them away when I was in the mood for it. I made it as easy on myself as I could.

I washed the blanket that is always on my bed and it is amazing what a difference it makes. The animals always sleep on it and after I have washed it, it always looks fresh and brightly colored again. I really do get some satisfaction for my efforts. I use a very ordinary washing powder that came out best in the tests and that the Exfactor gets for me especially at the store he shops at.

I walked the dog in the rain. It wasn't cold out and I decided that a little bit of water wasn't going to hurt us. It didn't come pouring down. We got a little damp and Tyke's fur got curlier. I wish I could say the same for my hair. It only got stiff from the hairspray in it. I didn't get any curls, much as I would like them. 

The  rain must have released all sorts of smells because Tyke took a long time sniffing in all sorts of spots and was very difficult to move along. He stuck his nose into the grass very deeply and inhaled and kept inhaling. I thought he was going to have dandelions and daisies stuck up his nose. 

Now will be a good time to sit in my armchair and read my book for a while until I get tired. I'm more than halfway through it and it's getting very interesting after we have gotten through all the preliminaries. The net is being tightened. The possible subjects are being lined up and there are many clues. I like the role Havers plays in all of this. She does good detective work. 

I hope you all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 

Ciao,

Nora

Almost fools in April...

Today is the last day in March and tomorrow will be April Fool's Day. I hope I'm not fooled by anyone because in the past I've been gullible and fallen for it. I may be cynical enough by now not to, I don't know. I suppose it depends on who were to try it and how sincerely it was done. I will forewarn myself and with every story I hear, I will remind myself that it's April 1st and intend not to believe it. I think that's the best defense. 

I'm not a great fooler myself  and hate to tell people stories that aren't true, so I'm not about to go along with the tradition. It's probably because my mother and older sister used to tell very upsetting stories that turned out not to be true when I was a child. I never wanted to carry on that tradition. It's not the kind of joking around that I like. 

Yesterday was not a great day weather wise. It was cloudy and the sun was not out and with it, all my good intentions disappeared. It was as though most of my energy had been drained out of me and I did the least amount of chores. Whether or not it is a sunny, bright day does influence me, apparently. The gloomy weather didn't make me gloomy so much, but it made me want to withdraw inside the apartment and not do much of anything. 

I've done enough of that this wintertime and am not about to repeat it every time the weather doesn't co-operate. I have to get over that and not be so influenced by it, although it seems to have a life of its own and I don't know how much I can actually do about it.

I didn't really perk up until the end of the day and the news came on television. Not that it was anything to be happy about. You have to watch the news so critically, not that they try to influence you one way or the other, but you have to do a lot of reading between the lines and try to get more background information about the stories you hear. Radio is good for that because you hear many different points of view on the subjects. Different broadcasting groups have to share air space on Radio One so, many angles are got at and more information is given. 

It's with some amount of dread that I look forward to today because it's going to be a cloudy, rainy day. Now, I know in the past I've claimed that I liked these days, but I don't like them now. I crave sunlight. I probably preferred the relatively mild, rainy days to the snowy, cold, windy days. Maybe I felt like hibernating more then, but since we've set the clocks ahead one hour, I want nothing more then bright and long, sunny days to go out in. I do walk the dog with much more cheer when it's sunny outside. Heck, I do everything with much more cheer.

I'm going to sit down in my armchair and read my thriller before I go back to bed. It's become a nice little habit. I read in the afternoon also. Slowly but surely I'm getting through that book. Havers is being insubordinate to Linley, but it will all be for a good cause. It will help solve the case. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

It wasn't working...

I didn't achieve my goal of sleeping six hours last night. I had really imprinted it in my mind before I went to sleep and had picked the time that I should have woken up at, but alas, it didn't work out. 

First I woke up because I had to go to the toilet, which isn't too bad because I can usually go back to sleep. Then I woke up from a cacophony of noise emanating from the radio instead of the usual gentle nighttime sounds that come from it. After I got over that shock and tried to get back to sleep, I was alerted by the dog who had taken one of my boots off the third shelf of the bookcase and was just planning on having a good chew on it. 

I gave up trying to get more sleep then because I was perfectly awake, but had slept only four and a half hours. I decided that would have to do and got up reluctantly not having achieved my goal. I'm going to try again tonight and every night and get as close as I can get. It must be doable if I have my mind set the right way. I will always aim for six hours. 

My psychiatrist thought my way of dealing with my sleep problem was the right way and he was glad that I didn't want any new sleeping pills because he would have been very reluctant to give me any. I think I would have had to beg for them. He likes this approach much better and he was about to suggest it to me himself. 

We're also going to not do anything with the rest of my medication, so there are to be no reductions for awhile. It is thought better to let me be in balance for now and have a steady time before we do any more of that. I've been bouncing up and down enough. It's time for some peace and quiet. I can only agree to that.

My visit with my SPN went fine. She said she was glad to have the old me back. She was genuinely pleased about that. I was a reasonable woman again. I know I am because I feel that way myself.

Now I'm yawning again. I think I will sit in my armchair for a while and read my book and then go back to bed. I have lots of sleep to catch up on. 

Have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora