The shutters of my mind are closed...

I'm temporarily shut off from my good feelings. I hope it's temporary and not a permanent condition. I'd hate to go through life this way. I really do see things in shades of gray now and black is another prominent color. Lord knows that they are not attractive shades of color to see your life in. I need something brighter than this. 

Let's blame it on the absence of sunlight. It has been dreary all day and cold too. The sky has been overcast and gray and it has been raining. Not exactly the kind of weather to feel optimistic about. 

I know that's not really the reason for my bad mood, but I'm pretending it is. I'd have to dig deep within myself to find the real reason and that may be too much work. Normally I'm all for analyzing myself, but something is witholding me now. Call it my angry little stubborn streak. I feel very ornery at this moment.

Chances are that I'll talk myself right out of it if I sit here long enough. I know I can never stay permanently grumpy. But I don't know if I'm only grumpy or if there's somthing more the matter. I suppose I'll know that tomorrow when I get up and start a new day. Now is not the time to know for sure. 

You shouldn't pay any attention to me. I probably got out on the wrong side of the bed when I got up from my nap earlier this evening. I had been to see my sister and got home late in the afternoon and was very tired. I took a nap when it was not really a good time to take one. I'm a little bit off schedule as a result. 

You see how I can trivialize my bad mood and make it not at all important anymore. It doesn't even deserve the words I'm wasting on it. 

I think I will go and eat some dinner now. I need to feed my body. I can't live on ice cold milk alone. It did taste very good, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

And now for something really different...

It's early in the morning before dawn, but I find myself awake already. I'm more than ready for the day to start and I don't know why that is either. It's not as if I have a heck of a lot of interesting things to do today. I'll have to find ways in which to amuse myself so I won't get bored.

Of course, I'm still yawning, so I'm not as awake as I claim to be. That may be just a sign of the remnants of my sleep though. I'm having a cup of coffee and it may take care of that soon. If I do fail to wake up properly after all, I will go back to bed, but I'm not counting on it. 

I have taken my medicines and my vitamins and those are such big pills that I'll have to wait before I can eat breakfast. They will have to pass my gastric band first. I will have to wait for about an hour.  Then I have to decide which of the foods that I have available to me I'm going to eat for breakfast. 

It can be anything, as long as I feel like eating it. It's just a matter of getting my nutrients in for today and in what order I want to do that. I will have to wait until an hour from now and see what I feel like eating then. Maybe I will just have a plum. I hope they are a little more ripe than they were yesterday. 

I'm finishing up the last of the milk in my coffee. After that there will be no more milk and I'll have to drink my coffee black or with powdered creamer. I'm undecided which I will do. I think they are both bad choices that I'll have to get used to. 

I'm thinking of going with the black coffee because I used to drink my coffee black. I think in the end it will be the simplest choice and I'm not all that fond of powdered creamer. It does have an artificial taste. It will be easier to just pour a cup of black coffee. 

Right, I'll go see what other kind of trouble I can get into. I hope you'll all have a great day. And nice weather, of course. 

Ciao,

Nora

Friday morning...

It's early in the morning and unless I'm hypo-manic, I'm never going to say that I'm in an excellent mood again. It will suffice to say that I'm reasonably calm now and not all too depressed, but then the day has not properly started yet and this is just a prelude to it. 

I'm still fairly relaxed and the nerves aren't screaming through my body yet, although I feel an undertone of them in the not too far away distance. I have just taken my medicines, but not my tranquilizers because I think I will not take them again during the day. I think it was a misconceived idea of mine that they were helping me. 

I have to go see my psychiatrist a nine o'clock. I guess I'm a bit uptight about that because I don't know what to expect. I hope for some sort of solution, but I don't know if I will get it. I'm counting on his knowledge, but I also know his way of reasoning about my case. I don't expect any miracles. I don't think a rabbit will be pulled out of a hat. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ciao,

Nora

Slow motion...

It's truly in the middle of the night, there's no doubt about it. It's not even close to dawn. In a way that's good because it will allow me enough time to go back to bed and sleep long enough before the Exfactor gets here. I won't be completely befuddled when he gets here, although it doesn't matter so much in his case if I am. He is very patient with me and allows me time to wake up properly without me having to be all artificially cheerful. It's a much kinder process of waking up. 

I will try to be up on time before he gets here anyway and have the coffee ready. We are both always ready for a cup because a lot of times the Exfactor only drinks tea in the morning at his place and I'm convinced that it doesn't give him a proper start to the day. He really seems to come alive after he's had a cup of coffee here. That's because he drinks things like mint tea with sugar which leave him dopey. 

I'm drinking coffee now in an attempt not to be too sleepy headed and to be able to finish this post before I go back to bed. I've made just a little pot of it so I won't drink too much. There is always cold milk. I do need something to keep the slumber at bay for now. I would fall instantly asleep behind the keyboard if I didn't. It wouldn't do to have a row of letters imprinted on my forehead. 

It's not bad being in this half awake state. It's actually kind of pleasant. I feel as though I'm slightly drugged and better able to express my feelings, although they are all tenuous and hardly of any consequence at all. They are strictly nighttime feelings of made of ethereal stuff. Like fluffs of stardust and just as lightweight. There's not a heavyweight thought among them. 

I would always like to exist in this state of mind, somewhere in limbo I suppose. Neither here nor there. Somewhat approachable yet not quite present in my own elusive way; in a dreamy state of mind. It's a much more relaxed way of being.

I can't keep existing here. Reality pulls me back and has me return to the present situation which is that I'll have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. Besides, the dog wants impossible things from me that I don't know how to fulfill. He's been out back and he's had a snack. I don't know what else to do. There's little escapism when you get right down to it. It's all of momentary nature. 

Right, I'm off to bed to sleep some more and perchance to dream. I actually have no doubt about that. I always do the second time around and the most interesting things too. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Being perfectly normal early in the morning...

Being perfectly normal doesn't happen very often anymore, so I do have to give it a special mention. Besides, I don't know how long the feeling is going to last. It may be very fleeting, but I hope it is solidly settled into my psyche for the rest of the day. I certainly welcome it and am very happy with it. It's been a long time since I have felt this way. 

I never know what ingredients make up the feeling and I hope to keep getting them right as I guess at them. I'm drinking coffee and have read other people's blog posts. They were for the most part cheerful, even the ones that were more introspective. Maybe that was just the take I had on them from my own point of view which is more rose colored. 

I've had at least 5 hours of sleep, that's pretty good by my standards. I had a very nice phone conversation with my daughter last night. I think that put some weight into the balance. It was about a positive subject and one I could advise her on using all my maternal instincts which are intact and alive and well. You never do stop being good at that, do you? It doesn't matter what age you are or what age your daughter is.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today for the second time this week and I'm going to set something straight which has been bothering me very much. It's a problem I had which I've since resolved and I want to help it out of this world and never talk about it again. It's an embarrassment to me now to even think about it. I will make short shrift of it. It's a reflection of how low I can get and had gotten. 

Being sound of mind has improved my point of view of life in general and my life in specific and suddenly everything looks a lot brighter than it did. All the little details that seemed so complicated now all look resolvable. I can't say that the world's problems seem less big by comparison, but I'm less burdened by them, if only in the smallest degree. Maybe my shoulders have become a bit stronger. 

I've always remained a realist about them anyway and never did think there was an easy solution or a solution at all. It's easier to look at my own life and take care of the details there. All I can do is manage my own life well. 

It's with some amount of relief that I start the day. Feeling unburdened for the most part has improved the way I'll enter the fray. It's not much of a fray anyway. At least, I don't look at it that way. Except for some minor complications, it all seems rather simple. All I have to do is stay as honest and as upfront as I can be and do my best. With a little bit of goodwill and a continuing good outlook, I ought to be able to do that.

And I still say, thank god it's Friday. The week has lasted long enough and it has been intense enough with lots of conflicting emotions that I'm more than ready for two days of nothingness. Of only watching cultural television and walking the dog and taking naps. And worrying about nothing else but which clothes I'm going to wear depending on the weather. That's as complicated as it's going to get. That's just about the level of excitement I'm willing to handle. 

No doubt I'll find some interesting elements to add to the mixture as I go along. One thing I have thought is that maybe I'm not really enjoying the book I'm reading and that I ought to start reading a different one, although I'm always loathe to leave a book unfinished. This one is not grabbing me, though. I don't really care enough about how it's going to end and I have been uninterested in reading it. I'm two thirds of the way through it and, although I like the characters, I don't care what happens to them. So I may be looking for a different book. 

I've got to take my medicines and check my emails. It's not quite time to get the day started. It is rather early still. I'll have to do some chores because the domestic help is going to be here today and I don't want her to walk into a messy apartment. I do still have my housewifely pride. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Taking advantage of the mood...

If it hadn't been for the dog gently waking me up because he had to go out, I would still be asleep, I am convinced of it. Once I stood by the back door in the cool night air waiting for him to get done, I was awake and ready to stay up. I tried to go back to bed and fall asleep again, but I was unsuccessful. My brain was functioning and ready to do something active. 

The fact that the dog was on the bed also licking my face didn't help. He wanted me to get up and keep him company. He always wants a certain amount of attention in the middle of the night as if we have to re-bond again. He is a spoiled dog. He's used to my funny schedule and thinks that is normal and he wants me to stick to it. If I sleep too long, he becomes concerned and wakes me up. He's sound asleep on the coffee table now. 

I may as well take advantage of the good mood that I always have during the night and that seems to be so elusive during the day. It is only present in little chunks of time, but seems very hard to keep a hold of. I struggle most of the day and fight off the feeling of depression for a lot of it. I'm not really happy until the evening when the sun comes down and I feel that I can relax and put my pajamas on. I find life to be mostly a struggle of trying to stay balanced and being unable to.

At night I am relaxed and even tempered and I feel that I can be myself without any of the stress that I feel during the day. Obviously, I'm a nighttime person. It's mostly the fact that I have a dog that needs to be walked that forces me up and about during the day. I'd gladly spend a large time of the day in my lounge wear taking a nap whenever the mood struck me. That would be mostly when my mood became unbearable and I could not see the forest for the trees. 

I would very much like to take some medication during the day that would take the stress away that's almost constantly gnawing at me and that prevents me from functioning well. I'm getting tired of the struggle and don't want to do it anymore. There has to be an easier way. 

I think I will go back to bed now and get some more sleep. The worst part is that when I wake up, the day will have started. I'll have to arm myself against it. Somehow I have to make it through it and make the best of it, no matter the thoughts in my head. 

Ciao,

Nora

Is there no rest for the wicked?

Since it's so very early in the morning, I won't worry about how wicked I apparently am. I figure that I've got at least several hours before I have to face the truth of that question and by that time it may not be relevant anymore. I may have forgotten all about it. For now I will just enjoy these quiet hours that are given me in which to write this post and in which to announce as much nonsense as I can think of. I'm sure that if I let my mind take it's silly course, it will come up with all sorts of good stuff, providing I don't censor myself too much. 

I slept as much as I was able to, I woke up once and forced myself to go back to sleep, but that didn't work the second time. The second time, my eyes popped open and I practically jumped out of bed, ready to get the coffee started in the kitchen and turn on the computer. I was as eager as a young puppy to get up and play. This not withstanding the fact that I had taken the new sleeping pills. Much good they do me. I slept 6 hours last night and now I slept 5 hours. I'm defying medical science. 

Nevertheless, It's with a certain amount of contentment that I sit here and have my coffee and cigarettes. What better way to start the day. If the wicked can celebrate the early morning in that way, it pays to be wicked. The best thing is that I'm doing it at a clean desk because I uncluttered it yesterday. All I have left to do is sort out a stack of papers and I think half of them can go into the recycle box. 

I suddenly realized that I was working at a desk topped with unnecessary junk and took care of it in the shortest amount of time. I got rid of what had no business being there and rearranged everything else n a more pleasant manner. This suddenly gave me all sorts of space and I felt that my life was suddenly much less complicated. 

So, that's all it takes to make your life simple. You simply take the clutter off your desk. It unclutters you mind at the same time. I'm going to apply this trick to the rest of my apartment and be free of worries. It will give me a Zen like environment free to contemplate my navel in.

Speaking of that, I haven't taken the opportunity to contemplate my navel in a while and miss the exercise. Maybe that's what's missing in my life. I need to get back to my armchair to meditate in. Providing the pesky dog doesn't bother me with requests for games with his ball and petting sessions and wanting to climb  on my lap to embrace me and lick my face. And that's not even speaking of the cat who will want to get her time in also and infest my clothes with cat hair. The next time I will get a black cat to match my clothes. 

I've just about had all the coffee I want and have switched to cold milk. It does perk me up too with its nice chilled effect. It's the nicest thing next to an ice cream sundae. Every glass is a treat. 

I've got to plan my day. The domestic help is coming because it's Friday again, much to my surprise. But then it always is, isn't it? I'm never prepared for Fridays. They always sort of sneak up on me. The week goes by in a whirl and then suddenly it's the weekend and I always have mixed feelings about it. I wish I could get my head straight about that,

I'm not going to go and find the warmth and safety of my bed. I will stay up and start the day when the sun comes up. I will have to save whatever sleep I didn't get until tonight.

Have a happy day!

Ciao,

Nora

A caffeinated post...

Without giving you the impression that I'm hypo-manic, I do have to say that I'm sitting here quite contentedly and that must be because I've already had four hours of sleep and one delicious cup of coffee. As happens once in a while, I got the amount of ground coffee just right and turned out a delicious pot of it that's not too bitter or too strong. It does not make my mouth pucker with the awful taste of it. It was a gentle and nicely brewed cup of coffee that I drank and I'm getting ready for my second one. 

I feel good, but I'm not on a high. My eyeballs aren't popping out of my head from excitement, nor am I thinking that I'm omnipotent and all knowing and have the answer to every question. I'm reasonable and sane, but doesn't every lunatic think that he is? The proof will be in the pudding and the pudding will be this post. You'll be able to judge me on the contents and the reasonableness of it. I hope to make complete sense while still being amusing.

Yesterday afternoon I took the dog for a long walk and I saw my first buttercups. I saw them under two trees on a stretch of grass beside the sidewalk. I thought that was very fortunate because I had just mentioned them on my other blog. It's the only place I saw them. I also saw my first dandelions, but I was not as thrilled about them. I'm waiting to see buttercups in the fields now, besides the many daisies that are there, and I suppose the clover will be next, both purple and white. I'm going to keep careful track of which wildflowers pop up where and when. 

Hopefully I'll know their names. It will be a good reason to take the dog on longer walks. I know of one place that's good for many kinds of wildflowers and if there are going to be any, that's the place to look for them. It's a ways out of town on the edge of it, but maybe I can walk there this afternoon after the domestic help has been here. It's supposed to be nice weather today with sunshine and pleasant temperatures, so it would be a good time to go. The exercise would do us both good and I'd have a goal. 

Speaking of goals, I was watching the highlights of some rugby games yesterday and that's a rough sport. Those guys get thrown around and pounced upon like nothing else. I'm sure their poor bodies are scraped and bruised like no others when they're done with their game. Footballers are ninnies compared to them. And I wonder who washes their clothes because they were covered in grass and dirt stains. I'm sure the wives don't have to do the washing at home. I think this was the Six Nation League Championship and I think England won. It was very exciting to watch.  

I also always watch the highlights of the football games and I'm glad they are the highlights only because I could not sit through a whole game unless they were the championships for something. At least with the highlights you get to see the most exciting bits. They show them from all the games that have been played during the week, so there's a lot. I'm not for any team in specific yet, although I think I'm starting to root for FC Twenthe. They're in second place now. It would be nice to see them at the top again. They were the champions last year. 

The sports news was regularly interrupted with news about the situation in Libya. The latest I heard was that Qaddafi wanted a cease fire and I hope he is serious this time because he's wanted one several times before and didn't keep his word. I hope for the people in Misrata that this time it's true, but I think we must not take him at his word. One thing Qaddafi must not be and that is trusted. He's too irrational for it. 

I'm amazingly calm. I don't have that haunted and over excited feeling that I have been having at all. It's a good thing that I've started using my old sleeping pills again. I sure do appreciate them after trying the other ones unsuccessfully. I guess you don't appreciate what you have until you have to do without it. I know that shortly I will go back to bed and sleep well for another long time and that I will be well rested when I get up. My personal helper is going to be here this morning, so I do have to get up at a somewhat reasonable hour. I want to get ready and dressed before she gets here. 

The only problem is that I'm not in the least tired and I haven't yawned once. I'm actually wide awake. I will have to stay up a while longer and wait for sleep to come and overtake me. It is too early to start the day, although I feel like doing it. I will have to see what I'm going to do with that bit of reality. How do I apply that? There's no need to panic, of course. There's no golden rule about when the day starts and when I'm supposed to sleep. I'll just wait and see where the road takes me. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Time to start the day...

My eyes weren't working at all when I turned on the computer this morning and I had to almost immediately put on my glasses. It was some relief to be able to read again. I guess some mornings it takes your eyes a little longer to wake up. I rubbed them hard enough at first to try and get the sleep out of them, but that didn't work. I suppose morning exercises don't work for your eyes. 

Now I'm sitting here quite contentedly with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. The newspaper delivery person has just been by on his noisy scooter, disturbing the peace and quiet of the early morning. I'll pretend I didn't hear that and will rediscover my equilibrium. I mustn't let something like that upset the start of the day. 

My hair is almost completely in place this morning, except that it is sticking up funnily at one side of my head. It's where I slept on it. It will be easy to remedy. All I have to do is get it wet and rub it dry with a towel and it will be in place again. I will jump in the shower to do that and get squeaky clean.

That will give me the opportunity to choose some other clothes to wear, because I'm in the mood for something different. I always forget that I still have lots of things to choose from. There aren't only the clothes that have gotten too big on me. There are lots of other things that are made of stretch material and have elastic waist bands that still fit.

I ordered some new lingerie, including some pretty colored bras instead of just plain black or white ones. I plan to clean out my underwear drawer and throw out everything that doesn't fit me anymore or that is worn out. I also want to go to the discount store that's close by here and see what sort of interesting things they have on sale there. And I need socks.

I think I'm awake, but there's some doubt in my mind. I'm going to try and stay up and get the day started, but I still feel sleepy. I think it's because of the medicines I took an hour ago. I may have to go back to bed for a while. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Make a story out of it...

I hope that the cup of coffee I'm drinking is quickly going to put me in a more cheerful mood. If not this one, then the one I'm going to drink after it. I am a bit down in the dumps and I've been trying in various ways to feel better, but they haven't made a difference yet. I wish I had a magic pill that I could take to cheer me up, but I know that such thing does not exist, although I used to think so. Now I'm counting on the coffee. 

I didn't start the day out too bad. I was a bit slow this morning and I took my time waking up in my armchair with several cups of coffee and my inevitable cigarettes. Once I had my head together after a long enough time, I took a shower and got dressed and walked Tyke. I seemed to function alright, but after that, I've been going downhill and my mood has not improved yet.

I did do the chores that needed to get done. I hadn't changed the bed last night like I had planned and I did that today and did a load of laundry. I've got a nice clean bed to look forward to tonight. That ought to cheer me up a bit, but that's nice for later when I've got my pajamas on. I've got to think about this moment and try to make a difference. I don't want to sit here like a bump on a log and be downhearted. I've got to find something to be a bit happy about right now. 

Maybe the last reduction of my anti-depressives has caught up with me and that is making me have a down day. Usually those reductions take a couple of days for your body to react to. The amount of medication in your body doesn't drop down to the new level until a few days after you've cut back. It's been four days since I reduced it. That could account for it and I may be okay again by tomorrow. There's no reason to get worried anyway. 

I heard somewhere that last night was a full moon. That would explain why I couldn't get to sleep right away. I never keep track of these things as I'm completely unaware of the moon in the night sky. I never know what phase it is in. I'm a typical city dweller when it comes to something like that. After the fact, I do always seem to be affected by the full moon and I should keep better track of it. It would explain my lunatic moments.

There's no sunshine today to cheer me up. It's completely overcast and cold. It isn't much fun to go for walks now and Tyke only gets short ones. We're expecting rain tonight and tomorrow we're even supposed to have wintry showers. I guess I was prematurely excited about the springtime. I am wearing cheerful clothes because of it. I thought I had to make the best of a gloomy day. 

The coffee hasn't helped much and I'm going to stop drinking it and switch to cold milk. I better stop having high expectations of today and strike this one up to experience. You can't have good days all the time. That would be too much to ask for. I suppose it's in human nature to have the odd day when things don't go all that great for whatever reason and I guess it keeps you humble in case you get a big head. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

No, I haven't...

I haven't nearly had enough sleep, because Tyke woke me up barking twice for no reason that I could figure out. I had to get him quiet immediately and spent some time entertaining him, which woke me up almost completely, but I wasn't ready to be awake. I did get up eventually, instead of lying there in the dark, and went on the bathroom scale where I saw that I had lost another kilo. 

That almost got me over my grouchiness and I figured a cup of coffee would do the rest. I'm attempting now to be in a good mood, but I'm not quite there yet. It's going to take at least another cup of coffee and maybe a nap on the sofa. People shouldn't get up at ungodly hours and have to start the day. Nothing good will come of it. I think I need a can of Red Bull. 

I feel like doing nothing but complain about the early hour of the day and I wonder how people do it every day who have to go to a job. Do they get up cheerfully and shower and get dressed and get out of the house on time? How do they do that? They must need their requisite cups of coffee to get them kick started. They have to decide what to wear and put on their clothes in the right order, all the while under pressure to be somewhere on time. 

I also have to complain about my knee. It is bothering me and I'm not a happy camper. It is better if I walk around on it, but as soon as I come to rest, it starts to hurt, no matter what position I have it in. It's very wearisome and I'd like to be rid of my knee and have another one. A brand new twenty year old knee, even if it doesn't match the rest of me. I could be like the bionic woman and have new parts. 

I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and am starting to feel some semblance of normality. I've stopped yawning, which is good, because my jaw threatened to get stuck. Leave it to coffee to help me start to feel better. I'm drinking it with artificial creamer because the milk is all gone. It's not all that horrible and it's better than drinking it black. I used to drink my coffee black when I was very stoic. I don't remember when I started taking milk in it again, but couldn't do without it now. There is a limit to how much I want to deprive myself. I do deprive myself of a lot of things already. I've had a hunkering for a meatball for a week, for instance, but I won't eat it. 

I suppose I have to decide what I'm going to do now. I think I will get dressed and watch the repeats of the news and see if I'm truly awake. If not, I'll go lie down on the sofa. The Exfactor is supposed to come over this morning to do the groceries and I'll have to get a shopping list ready. I do feel tired still and really not ready to start the day. I want to rest my knee too. It's protesting wildly. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

In the land of do not sleep...

It's very early in the morning, as it usually is when I write a post, so there's nothing new there. I need not even mention it anymore, but it's such a convenient way to start a sentence. I'm having my coffee and cigarettes, as is usual too and I shouldn't have to mention that either, but it sets the scene. I'm sitting by the light of the desk lamp in my bathrobe and slippers. Do I ever sit here any differently? You'd be surprised if I wrote that I'm sitting here totally naked with strawberries stuck up my nose. Well, I'm not, don't fear. 

I didn't sleep all night long like I wished. I did have that intention, but my wish didn't come true. Like so many other nights, I woke up to go to the toilet and was wide awake after that. Tyke needed to go out and I made coffee. I do have enough sense to make coffee and not rely on a glass of milk to get me to rejoin the living. That doesn't work. Milk addles my brain and works like a tranquilizer. Coffee makes me sharp and quick witted. I don't think I'm supposed to drink milk when I write a blog post. It immediately dulls my senses. It's okay for watching television with. I seem to have that reaction to milk. 

I went to sleep last night without listening to the radio or to any music. I just laid in the almost dark and closed my eyes and tried to push away any intruding thoughts. I thought of pleasant things, mostly. Whenever something unpleasant popped up, I concentrated on the different parts of my body and how relaxed they were. I did notice that, because there was no radio or no music, I had a tune running through my head on my own continuously. It wasn't anything familiar and I thought maybe I was an undiscovered composer. Yeah, right. And Vivaldi was my ancestor. 

I fell asleep within 20 minutes. It wasn't such a bad thing to lie there and wait to fall asleep. I know that if I were to read a book, it would take me much longer, because I would get absorbed in what I was reading. I'm trying to keep the stimuli to a minimum and find the best way to fall asleep and stay asleep. It's still very elusive to me. Staying asleep, that is. Once in a while when it happens, I'm always pleasantly surprised and I wonder what I did right. Apparently I got it wrong this night. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to wear today. It's going to be a balmy 6 degrees Celsius and it's going to rain this afternoon. It will be near tropical weather (42F). That calls for a whole different outfit than I've been wearing. I will look in my closet and see what sort of exciting things are there. 

It's much too early to start the day, but I suppose I will. There's no time like the present to do the things I must do. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,

Nora

Affectionately yours...

It's not so early in the morning for a change, because I actually managed to sleep a little later than usual. How I did this, I don't know. I'm surprised myself, but I do feel well rested now and I won't have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I won't have a chance for that anyway, because my Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be dressed and ready before she gets here. 

I'm having my coffee now and have just about used up the last of the milk. The Exfactor didn't make it over here yesterday to do the groceries because of the weather, but he will be here today instead. The conditions have grown somewhat milder and the snow is even melting a bit. 

I've had to make things last and was down to the last of the milk and out of juice and completely out of rawhide bones for Tyke, which he always gets at night when we go to bed. They keep him occupied and out of trouble. At least, they are supposed to. It doesn't always work. Sometimes he devours them in a hurry and has spare time left to go look for ways to entertain himself. 

Luckily, I had lemonade left, so when I was really thirsty, as I am so often, I could drink tall glasses of that, but I miss drinking cold milk and can't wait to have that in the refrigerator again. I have it set on the coldest temperature so the milk will be extra cold.

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 2 kilos and am now just about the weight I'm supposed to be. I'm one kilo over, but I'm sure I'll lose that too. Especially now that I've cut back on the anti-psychotics, because that's the medication that makes you gain weight, no matter how well you watch what you eat. You can eat like a bird and still gain weight. It's very frustrating. 

I have to call the hairdresser today and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It's gotten completely unruly and only looks good when I've just washed it. It's about time that I go to the hairdresser. It's a treat I enjoy and I haven't been for a while. I've been short of money and had to wait for the right opportunity. It's presented itself now. It will be nice to have my hair cut into a decent style again. Something I can easily manage and that is back into shape in no time after I've washed it. You do have to maintain your short haircut. You can't neglect it. That's the one drawback of having short hair. 

I have to get dressed. It's time to get the day started. Several chores await me. It will be nice to get some things done before my personal helper gets here. I'm terribly thirsty and need to drink several glasses of ice cold lemonade before my thirst is quenched. Off I go. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

The frozen world...

I'm having a jolly good time here by myself early in the morning with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes. It's too early for the day to start and do anything seriously active and I can enjoy these quiet hours for a while to come yet. The whole world is silent and as far as I'm concerned, I'm the only person awake on the block. There is no sign of life anywhere yet. 

As a result I feel in a very good mood, because I like feeling that I have the world all to myself. It is like being Robinson Crusoe and finding yourself alone on an island with no one else to worry about but yourself. Maybe I have a secret longing for that. No, I would get awfully lonely after awhile. I do need some human contact. Having animals alone for company is not enough. You can only have a one sided conversation with them. 

Tyke would like to believe differently and think we are having a dialogue, but I very often don't quite understand what he wants and have to guess as to his needs that he demands of me. I have to guess until I get it right. It would be easier if he could be clearer from the start. He wags his tail and gets excited if I guess it right. Otherwise he just looks quite dumbfounded at me.

I suppose I am also in a good mood because the weekend is over, although I spent it quite nicely and didn't go crazy. I nursed my little illness and stayed inside because the weather was so bad. It was nice pretending I was very sick because it meant that I was super kind to myself and only did things that I felt like doing. Which in the end was very little like it is most weekends, except that now I didn't feel guilty about it. I guess I can only have a guilt free time off if I think I'm sick. I'll have to be sick more often.

Today I pick up the regular routine. The personal helper is coming and so is the domestic help, but I already started to get back into the swing of things yesterday evening by putting out the trash and getting the mail from the last few days out of the mailbox. And, of course, cleaning up the god awful mess that Tyke had made in the bedroom when he tore apart the old books, the remains of which are now disposed of.  I have to finish clearing the bookcase of all tempting objects today. At least to a height that Tyke can get to. He is a badly behaved dog sometimes.

It will be good to get back into a regular routine, but I don't look back onto this weekend as a wasted one. It was quite cozy and after a false start Friday night, I did re-establish my regular schedule. Up to a point anyway and I did get enough sleep, which always seems to be so very important, but I suppose it is to anyone. I wish for longer nights, but I'm bound to have short ones. It seems getting up is more important than staying in bed to me. It is the call of the silent hours. 

I have to think of a fun outfit to wear today. I'll have to pull open my closet and have a serious look at everything. I'll have to wear layers, because it's a bit cold outside, but here in the apartment it's nice and warm. I don't have to worry about being cold inside. Going into my closet is always a journey of discovery, because I always forget about the clothes I own. Every time I find something that I'd forgotten about and it will be the same thing today. That's the plus side of being absentminded. 

The trash people will be by soon, unless they get held up by the slippery roads. All the slush that was in the streets yesterday got frozen during the night. The paper delivery person will be here any minute. It will officially be the start of the morning. I will have some time to dawdle yet. I don't need to rush. I will take my medicines and wait for them to work. I've had several glasses of cold milk and will make a new pot of coffee and read blogs. The day is young yet. 

Have a great Monday!

Ciao,

Nora