Dawdling...

I should be out walking the dog now, but I'm drinking a delicious cup of coffee and feeling generally good mooded so I'm loathe to get off my butt. I refuse to accept that it's that time of the evening again and that I have to fulfill my duty. Besides, the dog is sound asleep on the floor beside me and doesn't seem in the least interested in going out. It will wait until later. 

First I'm going to sit here and take advantage of the moment. It is too good to let go to waste. I don't very often get that super peaceful feeling anymore during the day and I do want to hold on to it while I can. I'm afraid that if I get up and start moving around, it will disappear as snow for the sun. I hold it as if it is a precious gift. As if it is something very fragile. I don't want to break it into a hundred fragments. 

Outside it is gray and cool and slightly windy. It's the kind of weather I don't mind at all. Some drops of rain fell even. They were just a few, but even so. At least I get to wear some decent clothes and I don't have to walk around skimpily dressed. The windows are still open and fresh air is coming in through them. I hope that the smoky smell will disappear quickly, although it's not as bad as it has been in the past. It helps if there's a bit of a draft. 

The coffee tastes especially good. I made a strong pot of it having just woken up from a nap a while ago. I wasn't sure what time of day it was when I woke up and was slightly disappointed when I realized that it was only late in the afternoon. For some reason I expected it to be in the middle of the night. I must have been completely discombobulated. I think I was even dreaming. The coffee has wakened me up quite nicely and now I'm back to my full senses. Sometimes I get the proportions of ground coffee and water just right. 

It's nice to be in a peaceful mood. I feel like I'm having a Zen moment and it's lasting a while. It's like being infused with happiness for no good reason at all. It just came out of the blue, although I'd like to know what made it come about so I can have a repeat of the experience. But first I'll enjoy it as much as I can. I do have to stay in the moment. Infusions of peacefulness and happiness are always welcome. It doesn't matter where they came from. It's making them last that counts. 

It's slowly getting dark in the living room. It will be time to turn the lights on shortly. The evenings do start earlier all the time and with it true fall will come. It's already in the air today after all that warm weather. I'm curious to see when I'll have to start wearing my winter coat. I'm glad I bought it when I did. I'm more than ready for any kind of weather and I've got the boots for it too. I won't be caught unawares. 

I've got to take my peaceful mood and go walk the dog with it before it really gets dark. It will be nice to be outside in the cool air for a while. It will cheer me up tremendously, not that I really need any cheering up. I will add another dimension to my mood. The dog will be most happy to go outside and walk through the fallen leaves. We will both benefit from the fresh air. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Make a story out of it...

I hope that the cup of coffee I'm drinking is quickly going to put me in a more cheerful mood. If not this one, then the one I'm going to drink after it. I am a bit down in the dumps and I've been trying in various ways to feel better, but they haven't made a difference yet. I wish I had a magic pill that I could take to cheer me up, but I know that such thing does not exist, although I used to think so. Now I'm counting on the coffee. 

I didn't start the day out too bad. I was a bit slow this morning and I took my time waking up in my armchair with several cups of coffee and my inevitable cigarettes. Once I had my head together after a long enough time, I took a shower and got dressed and walked Tyke. I seemed to function alright, but after that, I've been going downhill and my mood has not improved yet.

I did do the chores that needed to get done. I hadn't changed the bed last night like I had planned and I did that today and did a load of laundry. I've got a nice clean bed to look forward to tonight. That ought to cheer me up a bit, but that's nice for later when I've got my pajamas on. I've got to think about this moment and try to make a difference. I don't want to sit here like a bump on a log and be downhearted. I've got to find something to be a bit happy about right now. 

Maybe the last reduction of my anti-depressives has caught up with me and that is making me have a down day. Usually those reductions take a couple of days for your body to react to. The amount of medication in your body doesn't drop down to the new level until a few days after you've cut back. It's been four days since I reduced it. That could account for it and I may be okay again by tomorrow. There's no reason to get worried anyway. 

I heard somewhere that last night was a full moon. That would explain why I couldn't get to sleep right away. I never keep track of these things as I'm completely unaware of the moon in the night sky. I never know what phase it is in. I'm a typical city dweller when it comes to something like that. After the fact, I do always seem to be affected by the full moon and I should keep better track of it. It would explain my lunatic moments.

There's no sunshine today to cheer me up. It's completely overcast and cold. It isn't much fun to go for walks now and Tyke only gets short ones. We're expecting rain tonight and tomorrow we're even supposed to have wintry showers. I guess I was prematurely excited about the springtime. I am wearing cheerful clothes because of it. I thought I had to make the best of a gloomy day. 

The coffee hasn't helped much and I'm going to stop drinking it and switch to cold milk. I better stop having high expectations of today and strike this one up to experience. You can't have good days all the time. That would be too much to ask for. I suppose it's in human nature to have the odd day when things don't go all that great for whatever reason and I guess it keeps you humble in case you get a big head. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora