Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

No neglect...

This particular blog does not want to be neglected either. I mean, look at the name of it and consider who writes it. I couldn't possibly leave it lying by the wayside. I must pay it some attention. I am still a dueling Dutch woman, after all. Although I mostly duel with myself, that is true. I don't have many other opponents. I have none that I know of, actually. 

I think the 'dueling' part was based on the fact that I am bipolar and in my duality do battle with myself. I don't mean to imply that I have two personalities because that's another illlness altogether. I just have two opposing poles. A happy one and a sad one. Sometiimes they rapidly switch positions. That's called rapid cycling. It's very tiresome and confusing no matter how often it happens. 

So now I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and am quietly enjoying the serenity that lies around me. The animals are asleep, as they should be, and I have have just taken a paracetamol for my ongoing headache. Luckily, it works very well and I should be fine in no time at all. 

The coffee tastes great and does what it is supposed to do, namely make my brain function at peak performance, but I'm going to switch to ice cold milk in just a little while because I'm very thirsty. I'm just joking about the peak performance. I only reach that when I'm hypo-manic and I'm certainly not that now, thank goodness. It may sound great, but it isn't. It's like being high on drugs and having no control. 

I prefer feeling my normal self when it gets down to it, but I suppose that I've not quite accepted that and think the hypo-manic me is having more fun. I must get it though my head that this isn't so and that I only run into trouble when I'm hypo-manic. I think the kick that the adrenaline gives me is very deceiving. Life just seems dull without it, but it isn't really so.Or if it is so, I must accept it. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of milk now and it is very refreshing and quenching my thirst. I haven't met a glass of milk I haven't liked yet. It does have a tendency to make me sleepy so I may end up going back to bed yet. It would be good to get a little bit more sleep. I don't think I'm quite done with that yet. But there's time to sleep during the day too. I only have an appointment with my therapist and that won't take up much of my time. 

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Friday morning...

It's early in the morning and unless I'm hypo-manic, I'm never going to say that I'm in an excellent mood again. It will suffice to say that I'm reasonably calm now and not all too depressed, but then the day has not properly started yet and this is just a prelude to it. 

I'm still fairly relaxed and the nerves aren't screaming through my body yet, although I feel an undertone of them in the not too far away distance. I have just taken my medicines, but not my tranquilizers because I think I will not take them again during the day. I think it was a misconceived idea of mine that they were helping me. 

I have to go see my psychiatrist a nine o'clock. I guess I'm a bit uptight about that because I don't know what to expect. I hope for some sort of solution, but I don't know if I will get it. I'm counting on his knowledge, but I also know his way of reasoning about my case. I don't expect any miracles. I don't think a rabbit will be pulled out of a hat. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal once again....

I think I'm in a good enough frame of mind now to take a good look back at the past several days and see that I was probably in a hypo-manic state which I didn't come out of until yesterday afternoon after I finally slept for about five hours. I had been sleep deprived until that time and not in a position to think clearly. 

I looked back on it with some horror, but realized that I had not done anything too stupid and that all of my actions were easily able to be set straight. I had not made any really big guffaws that involved other people and would require a lot of explanation. Nor had I spent a lot of money. I was saved by the bell again. 

I remember feeling very good at the beginning of this period of madness, but becoming quite agitated as it continued and feeling very uncomfortable with it. Exhaustion was starting to show through and I could hardly keep up with myself, but felt compelled to nevertheless until I literally collapsed in my bed.

I built in a day of rest yesterday and took it very easy. I did the opposite of what I wanted to do, so I added a lot of rest periods and periods of silence and patience. I avoided anything that was too stimulating and avoided the computer most of all because that's where I had spent all my time. 

I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel now and to not let things get out of hand again. I know what the pitfalls are and am going to avoid them.

My psychiatrist had warned me that I would have mood swings, but I had not expected them to be so severe. I really had not been properly prepared for this and was taken by surprise. I thought I was merely starting to feel better. Not that I was going to shoot into the sky like a rocket. 

Now I'm sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee trying to be as mellow and calm as I can be. I'm accepting this period in the night for what it is and that is a time out before I go to bed again to finish sleeping, which I will hopefully have the sense to do. I don't want to become so cocky that I will stay up again until morning and decide that I don't need to sleep. I'm not home free yet.

Ultra rapid cycling is an unpredictable monster that you don't want hiding in your closet. I hope I'm done with it quickly and I assume I'm bothered by it now because of the increase in my antidepressants. It must be my body's way of adjusting to the new dose. Hopefully I've seen the worst of it now and a warned woman counts for two. 

The night is very quiet and serene. Thunderstorms and rain with winds were predicted, but none has come of it. It's just as well. I doubt that anyone was ready for another deluge. The last time, roads and cellars were flooded and trees were blown over. So I don't mind a clear, quiet night at all. I'm sure lots of sighs of relief are being breathed. 

It's very pleasant to be up. I'm enjoying my time of feeling well very much. It's no wonder that I always want this to last as long as possible. These are the most pleasurable hours of the day and night.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Wishful thinking...

It's in the middle of the night and I think things should always be as relaxed as they are now. I could almost forget that I'm suffering from a depression. My head is on pretty straight and I feel in a fairly good mood. This is as close to normal as I can get. 

Of course, I don't want to jinx myself by saying too much and I will leave it at that, save to say that I wish to wake up in the morning like this also. I guess that would be too much to ask for, but it's just a tiny little wish in the larger scope of things.

My psychiatrist did inform me yesterday that I can expect to see improvement one week after I've increased the antidepressants, so that will be early next week and that gives me something to look forward to. It's a straw I will be grasping at. 

I've not wanted to write anything here because whatever I wrote was all so depressing. I wanted to be more lighthearted than that, but I didn't know if I could be. I don't feel so morose now and I think I can write about something more normal, although I have to scratch my head and think of what that can be.

I haven't done much out of the ordinary these past days but sit around in my bathrobe and take many naps. The naps have been the most pleasant because I took them in a clean bed. I did make enough effort to change the sheets. I had to talk myself into doing that and convince myself that it wasn't really that much of a job. Depressed people easily get intimidated by the most simple things. 

At least I'm not hypo-manic tonight, which is a big relief. That frantically being happy is no good either and I don't know if it's even happiness but just a sort of madness that comes over you. 

I've entertained the dog to the best of my abilities, although I think he's a bit bored with me. The Exfactor has been by every day to take him for a walk. That's relieved me of a large sense of guilt. 

I've just started drinking ice cold milk and any minute now my thinking processes are going to freeze up. I will start to slow down and have a hard time coming up with things to write about, if I weren't already.

There's been no attempt to get dressed. I live in my pajamas and bathrobe. I suppose that one of these days I will put my clothes on again. I have to by Monday anyway when life will start to continue. 

First I have to get through the weekend which is a blessing because it is a minor time out, except that I don't know how well I will get through it in a depressed state. It may not be as easy as usual. The days alone may be tougher than they usually are. That's why taking naps is so important. They take up a lot of time. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm sufficiently tired again thanks to the milk. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Nora

The becauses...

Because I had not slept so well last night and because I had gotten up so early this morning, I just took a two hour nap in my bed. I went to sleep quite devastated, but woke up in a much better frame of mind. 

I did just now take two tranquilizers, but I think they were due because I had not had any since early this morning. This was to prevent the next wave of devastation from washing over me. I felt it coming and wanted to head it off at the pass.

They are not quite working yet, but should be soon and I will be in safer waters.  Until that time, I'm drinking coffee to get at least my head on straight.  

I was in a hypo-manic mood during the night and had to force myself to go to bed when it was already quite late. That's why I only had a few hours of sleep. I had to go see my SPN this morning. I think I like being hypo-manic when it is first happening, but after a while it isn't funny anymore and I become trapped in it. 

I wish I didn't become it at all. Neither extreme is good. Being hypo-manic is just as bad as being depressed. You are not yourself and behave unpredictably. Both extremes are scary. 

Enough said about that. Sometimes I get so tired of myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

...and then it was morning.

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don't need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I'm enjoying every cup that I drink. 

I do know a good thing when I have it and I'm grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I'm careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 

I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that's the point I was trying to make. 

I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser's chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don't pay attention to them and I don't think of what other people see.I think that's for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she's going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I'm fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.

I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I'll still have my psychiatrist, although he's less good for the emotional issues. I'll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I'll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 

The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won't be for another hour. It's supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 

Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn't bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That's turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it's great fun, but I don't think so. 

I hope you'll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you're about to go to bed, sleep tight. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping my sanity...

After having had a hypo-manic night, I plunged into the abyss this afternoon and started to feel suicidal. I thought I was going absolutely stark raving mad and didn't know at first what to do, but I felt pretty hopeless. I desperately wanted to reach out and call someone, but because it was a holiday, I didn't know who to call.

Then I realized that when I felt this way, I needed to take an extra anti-psychotic tablet and not a sedative, which would only make it worse. I went ahead and did that and crawled into bed and waited for it to work and when it started to, I fell asleep, which is probably the best thing that could have happened.

When I woke up, I felt ever so much better and it was time to take my normal dose of medicines. I'm waiting for those to start working now and I should be feeling pretty good in about ten minutes. I've also got a cup of coffee to help me get the last cobwebs of sleep out of my head.

I've got to be careful and make sure this doesn't repeat itself. Staying up all night was not a good idea. Especially not being so very active and changing all the scenery around. That was a bad idea when you consider that I don't deal well with changes. I'm still very uncomfortable with it now, but I'm not going to make any alterations again. I'll leave things the way they are. 

It sure is difficult being me sometimes. Well, a lot of times it is. It's a day job. Actually, I have to keep an eye on myself 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wish someone else would do it for me for a couple of weeks so I could have a break. It sure does get exhausting. 

I need to walk the dog. He's begging with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

A reason for being late...

I emailed my psychiatrist yesterday and told him that the new sleeping pills had not worked at all. That, as a matter of fact, I had been up for nights without any sleep at all, and that I had gone back to using my old sleeping pills which allowed me some sleep anyway. 

He called me in the afternoon and said that he had never heard of these pills not working at all and that the cause had to be  that I had stopped using my old sleeping pills so abruptly. He suggested that I try using my old sleeping pills along with the new sleeping pills last night and that he would call me today to see what had happened. If I had slept at all. 

My old sleeping pills are the kind that help you fall asleep, but don't keep you asleep, that's why I always woke up after a few hours. The new sleeping pills are really to help you sleep through the whole night. So last night I took them both not expecting very much.

Much to my surprise I slept almost nine hours. I couldn't believe my luck. That's the longest I have slept in I don't know how long. It's been forever. I don't even remember when the last time was that I slept such a long time. Needless to say, I felt great. I was only a little bit groggy when I got up and one cup of coffee took care of that.

Now I only wish to sleep like this every night and I hope it is possible. I hope my psychiatrist lets me use this combination of pills always. 

I look forward to the day now, knowing that I won't have to go back to bed to get the sleep that I didn't get during the night. I woke up at a civilized hour. I went to bed early last night because I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. All day yesterday I didn't take a nap. This normally would have messed up my sleep schedule something awful, but now I've had the proper amount of sleep and I can plan a normal day. 

I have to go see my SPN this morning and after that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. I've already started a grocery list as I thought of items I absolutely needed and should not forget. They are not things I get every week so they are not things I automatically think of when I sit down to make a list when the Exfactor is here. Thank goodness there's a white board in the kitchen to help me remember. It does pay to be a little bit organized. 

I wasn't planning on seeing my SPN this week, but made a last minute appointment anyway with the way things were going. My mood was all over the place and I was in danger of becoming quite hypo-manic. As it is I did some dumb things anyway, but more about that some other time. When I'm not embarrassed. 

I will get the show on the road and take Tyke for a walk. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, but it's still quite cold outside. It's been freezing last night. 

Have a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

A caffeinated post...

Without giving you the impression that I'm hypo-manic, I do have to say that I'm sitting here quite contentedly and that must be because I've already had four hours of sleep and one delicious cup of coffee. As happens once in a while, I got the amount of ground coffee just right and turned out a delicious pot of it that's not too bitter or too strong. It does not make my mouth pucker with the awful taste of it. It was a gentle and nicely brewed cup of coffee that I drank and I'm getting ready for my second one. 

I feel good, but I'm not on a high. My eyeballs aren't popping out of my head from excitement, nor am I thinking that I'm omnipotent and all knowing and have the answer to every question. I'm reasonable and sane, but doesn't every lunatic think that he is? The proof will be in the pudding and the pudding will be this post. You'll be able to judge me on the contents and the reasonableness of it. I hope to make complete sense while still being amusing.

Yesterday afternoon I took the dog for a long walk and I saw my first buttercups. I saw them under two trees on a stretch of grass beside the sidewalk. I thought that was very fortunate because I had just mentioned them on my other blog. It's the only place I saw them. I also saw my first dandelions, but I was not as thrilled about them. I'm waiting to see buttercups in the fields now, besides the many daisies that are there, and I suppose the clover will be next, both purple and white. I'm going to keep careful track of which wildflowers pop up where and when. 

Hopefully I'll know their names. It will be a good reason to take the dog on longer walks. I know of one place that's good for many kinds of wildflowers and if there are going to be any, that's the place to look for them. It's a ways out of town on the edge of it, but maybe I can walk there this afternoon after the domestic help has been here. It's supposed to be nice weather today with sunshine and pleasant temperatures, so it would be a good time to go. The exercise would do us both good and I'd have a goal. 

Speaking of goals, I was watching the highlights of some rugby games yesterday and that's a rough sport. Those guys get thrown around and pounced upon like nothing else. I'm sure their poor bodies are scraped and bruised like no others when they're done with their game. Footballers are ninnies compared to them. And I wonder who washes their clothes because they were covered in grass and dirt stains. I'm sure the wives don't have to do the washing at home. I think this was the Six Nation League Championship and I think England won. It was very exciting to watch.  

I also always watch the highlights of the football games and I'm glad they are the highlights only because I could not sit through a whole game unless they were the championships for something. At least with the highlights you get to see the most exciting bits. They show them from all the games that have been played during the week, so there's a lot. I'm not for any team in specific yet, although I think I'm starting to root for FC Twenthe. They're in second place now. It would be nice to see them at the top again. They were the champions last year. 

The sports news was regularly interrupted with news about the situation in Libya. The latest I heard was that Qaddafi wanted a cease fire and I hope he is serious this time because he's wanted one several times before and didn't keep his word. I hope for the people in Misrata that this time it's true, but I think we must not take him at his word. One thing Qaddafi must not be and that is trusted. He's too irrational for it. 

I'm amazingly calm. I don't have that haunted and over excited feeling that I have been having at all. It's a good thing that I've started using my old sleeping pills again. I sure do appreciate them after trying the other ones unsuccessfully. I guess you don't appreciate what you have until you have to do without it. I know that shortly I will go back to bed and sleep well for another long time and that I will be well rested when I get up. My personal helper is going to be here this morning, so I do have to get up at a somewhat reasonable hour. I want to get ready and dressed before she gets here. 

The only problem is that I'm not in the least tired and I haven't yawned once. I'm actually wide awake. I will have to stay up a while longer and wait for sleep to come and overtake me. It is too early to start the day, although I feel like doing it. I will have to see what I'm going to do with that bit of reality. How do I apply that? There's no need to panic, of course. There's no golden rule about when the day starts and when I'm supposed to sleep. I'll just wait and see where the road takes me. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Sense and sensibility...

I'm up after five hours of sleep, but at least I had those five hours, which is more than can be said for the hours of sleep that I had for the last several nights when I had basically none. Last night I switched back to my old sleeping pills because obviously the new pills weren't working at all. 

At least with my old sleeping pills I do get a couple of hours of sleep, whereas with my new sleeping pills I was getting none. This led me to become hypo-manic at night when I turned out slightly hysterical posts and during the day I didn't feel so great either. I had to take tranquilizers and extra anti-psychotics. 

The seriousness of the situation dawned on me yesterday and I realized that I had to do something quick or I would go around the bend. I already felt mad as a mad hatter and I knew that I had to get some sleep during the night. 

The reason I didn't get more sleep tonight, is that Tyke started to bark and I had to settle him down. I always have to think about the neighbors and I can't have him bark at all. It does wake me up completely. I probably would have slept a bit longer if it hadn't been for that.

So, that's to make a long story short. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. I've had one cup of coffee and decided to not artificially stimulate myself into a high with more caffeine, but the milk is making me feel cold and I've just turned up the thermostat. Very shortly it will be warm in here because the place heats up quickly. 

Because of the way I started out this post, I find it a little difficult to get onto a different subject. Also, because I'm not on a high now, my mind is not as alert and as astute and I can't come up with anything good to write about. 

I do like the way the events are developing in Libya. It's about time we all interfered and came to the help of the rebels there, although the word rebels is probably not the right one. I use it for lack of better. The fighters for democracy. The freedom fighters. I admire France and Great Britain for taking the lead in this and I hope we show enough muscle to deal with Qaddafi once and for all. The news is filled with the latest updates all day long.  No, I don't watch CNN. I watch the plain old sober minded Dutch news cast. 

I think I'm okay with it being Sunday today. I'm not too much bothered by it. It will be a very low key day in which I don't have a lot to do. I started off the weekend by not liking Saturday, but that's not so strange when you consider the circumstances. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The eagerness of it...

The delivery boy from the pharmacy delivered my new sleeping pills yesterday evening, so I was looking forward to taking them last night and having a good night's sleep. After I put on my pajamas and bathrobe, I watched an episode of Inspector Linley that lasted until 11 pm and then got ready for bed. I took one sleeping pill and waited for sleep to overtake me. When after one peaceful hour in bed it had not, I took another pill like I had been instructed to do. After a while, I fell asleep only to wake up a half hour later, wide awake without any drowsiness whatsoever. It felt like I had not taken any medicines at all. 

Needless to say, I was very disappointed and am sitting here now getting ready for a long night of no sleep. I don't know if it's a good idea to take my old sleep medication, but I am tempted to. At least I slept better with it. I did manage to sleep six hours the night before this one. I had asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me a knock out pill and he had said that this sleeping pill was one and had even said that possibly I'd be drowsy the next morning. I sure don't feel drowsy now. It's like I've taken a couple of aspirins. I think it was only the power of suggestion that made me fall asleep at all. 

It's just my luck that these pills don't work for me. I'm sometimes resistant to the workings of pills and need extra large doses of them, but I'm not going to do that with these. There's a safe limit to take and I'm not going to take more than that. 

So, unless I take my old medication, I'm going to have to entertain myself tonight. I don't know how I am going to do this yet. I can write endless blog posts, but sooner or later I'm going to run out of things to write about. I don't feel hypo-manic, so I don't have the thrill of that, but I'm glad about that. I'd rather keep both feet on the ground, or in this case, have my rear end planted firmly in my seat.  I really have no desire to go to bed right now as it reminds me of failure to go to sleep.  I hope I will naturally get tired and find my way there eventually. 

Maybe I'm meant to be a night person as I seem to function best then. I have the clearest head possible. I sure think better at night than I do during the day. I'm not encumbered by the complications that come with the daytime, even though they are small and hardly of any consequence at all. The nighttime seems to be my realm. I wish I could give you examples of great minds that functioned well during the night, but I'm sure there were many. I would have to investigate that. 

My normal mode of operation is to mess around with the appearance of my blogs when I can't sleep and I may do that. There are probably all sorts of possibilities that I have not tried out yet. There's always the desire to make things look different and better, although I don't know in the end if I do. It's a way to humor myself and to take care of my creative needs. I don't have enough outlets for those now, nor am I really desiring of them. A little bit of blog design goes a long way in the empty hours. I only have those on sleepless nights. 

Not being under the influence of drugs is an amazing thing. It's incredible how clear my mind is. How straight I can think. It's like a fog has lifted from my brain. I should always be this way. I am, to some extent, always under the influence of medication, especially during the day when I take the majority of my medicines.  They are necessary, but still...

I will see what sort of trouble I can get into. I shouldn't call it trouble but creative design. It may all come to naught, we will see. In the meantime, I will entertain myself while you all asleep, unless you are in North America and you are still up. Give me a sign of life if you are.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

The sense of it and lucidity...

Sometimes your own mind can fool you into thinking that you are having a great lucid moment and that you are making perfect sense. It is the same effect you get when you use recreational drugs and you suddenly think that you have total understanding of how life and the universe work. 

I had such a moment when I woke up from a long nap a while ago. I thought I understood everything and had great insight into my own life and into the sense of it. I had my own 'Eureka' experience. I've had such moments before, but each time it happens it feels like the first time and I'm fooled by it all over again. It goes that way with drugs too or even with alcohol.

Shortly after I have such an experience, I feel an inevitable let down and the terrible disappointment of realizing that it's a completely false idea and that it's not true at all. I don't suddenly know and understand everything and what I thought was ultimate wisdom is nothing but self delusion. 

It must be an effect of the chemicals that are released during my sleep while I take a nap. I have no other explanation for it. I think I'm temporarily mad. Sanity does return to me and I can look at the whole experience from a safe distance and be glad that I didn't take any action during it. I would come to regret it very much if I did.

Speaking of sanity, I had become hypo-manic last week without me realizing it. That is often the case, of course. You are usually the last one to know. It didn't dawn on me until I became dysphoric subsequently. That was such a change of mood that I couldn't help notice it and look back in time and realize what had happened. 

Because I felt bad and showed symptoms of instability, I increased my anti-psychotics a bit and that helped. I contacted my psychiatrist today and let him know. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm doing better and only get off kilter a couple of times a day. 

The days are getting longer and there is a sense of springtime in the air. I am full of anticipation. Inside of me the restlessness is waking up. I feel the first stirrings of it and it's making me feel uneasy inside my own skin. I feel like going to a pub and drinking several tall beers or icy cold cocktails with paper umbrellas. Yes, I think I would prefer those.

Instead, I'll drink some lemonade because the milk is all gone. Luckily the Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. I'll be so glad to have milk again. Lemonade is okay too if you're really thirsty like I am right now, but there's nothing like a glass of cold milk.

Have a good night, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Go on, make me happy...

I just got back from seeing my SPN and my psychiatrist. I also stopped by the pharmacy. They were all lightening visits and I was done everywhere in the shortest amount of time, because everything was so uncomplicated. Isn't that nice? 

I had to get a letter to reapply for the personal helper for another year from my SPN and she had that done in no time. I hardly had to help her with it and was actually joking around and telling her to put in all sorts of nonsense. She just ignored me and I told her that that was the best thing she could do. I could not be held responsible for the contents of that letter, because I'm not that concerned about getting the reapplication approved. It either will be or not, I leave that up to fate. I do appreciate the effort she put into the letter and I will give it to my personal helper on Monday so she can fill out the rest of the paperwork.

My psychiatrist wanted to know how much weight I had lost when I saw him and it pleased me that it was that obvious. I told him that it was due to reducing the medicines and not because I was eating less, because he was concerned about that. I had to reassure him that yes, I was eating enough. He also wanted to make sure that I was absolutely doing alright and that I was not in any way hypo-manic and I tried to reassure him in the best possible way that I wasn't without sounding like I was. Sometimes it is a little bit difficult to prove that you're normal. You start to sound a little mad while you do. 

He wants me to get off the medication that I take to go to sleep at night and I have to start reducing it today. Instead of taking that, he wants me to try herbal medicine and I've picked up those tablets from the pharmacy this afternoon. It is proven that they work and I'm going to try them for a week. If I have luck with them, I'll keep using them. I have no reason to doubt their usefulness and I'm sure they'll work fine. I'm looking forward to going to bed tonight and trying them out. 

In the meantime, I've taken Tyke for a walk, because he was begging to go out. It was time for him to go according to the schedule. He had that right.  It is dark outside now, but today was a beautiful sunny day and I only needed to wear my short leather jacket and no scarf. It felt like springtime a little bit. The snowdrops are out everywhere and today I saw daisies in the fields. That was a nice surprise and it made me feel hopeful. With enough sunshine things will start popping out of the ground. 

I've missed watching the six o'clock news, but I'm going to sit in my armchair now and read my book until the eight o'clock news comes on. That will be a good and quiet way to pass the time. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Itsy bitsy thoughts...

It's early in the morning and I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee. It tastes very good, even though I didn't measure the coffee carefully when I put it into the filter. I just eyeballed it. It looked right, so I went with it. I didn't feel like putting the coffee into the paper filter with measured spoonfuls. I was too hurried for that. I just wanted a cup of coffee quickly. 

Some mornings are that way. Not because I'm grumpy, because I'm far from that. I just want the coffee because I crave it and I'm thirsty. It also is a perfect accompaniment to my cigarette, which I also crave. I can seldom be accused of being grumpy. Mostly I'm very kindhearted when I wake up in the mornings, unless I'm woken up from a sound sleep, which I rarely am. Even then I don't bite anyone's head off. 

I went to bed early last night and I don't even remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I took two rusk toasts with butter to bed with me and got crumbs in the bed. That was bound to happen, of course, so I had to wipe those away before I could settle down. I was asleep in no time and I don't remember any of my dreams, so they must not have been important and that's just the way I like it. I don't necessarily want to remember all of them. Not all of them are epic stories with great meaning. 

I have two appointments today. One with my psychiatrist in the morning. It will be about the reduction of the medicines and how well that is going. I think he wants to have a good look at me to make sure I'm still fairly normal. Of course, I can assure him that I am, but I would say that maybe even if I weren't. I could be on my way to hypo-mania and claim to be perfectly normal. I have been known to do that. It is a careful consideration. 

I have an appointment with my SPN in the afternoon. She called me yesterday and said that she had gotten over the flu. That's why I missed my appointment with her last week. I was lucky enough that she had an opening today. 

In between the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries and have coffee. I've got to make a grocery list beforehand and check on the cleaning supplies, because I don't know if the domestic helps let me know on time when they start running out. I'm always hearing, oh, this bottle is empty! I'm going to have a look at all of them and see how much is there. 

So it will be a slightly busy day and I don't mind. It will make the time go by quickly and I will appreciate the time off all the more. I do like the pauses in between the hectic times. At least the apartment is clean and the dishes and the laundry are all done. That's one reason to count my blessings. I'm sure I can think of several others if I put my mind to it. 

It's already with some amount of joy that I look forward to Thursday when I will have no appointments or anyone coming over at all. It will be a free day to do with as I please and I do need days like that when all I do is walk Tyke and do whatever chores need to get done. I do like my solitary days. They always give me a little breathing space to get back on track. I suppose people who work have to save that up until the weekends and even then they have a lot of things to do that they don't get around to during the week. I guess it would be hard to fit in solitary time if they had that need.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I plan to have one myself. It is with some amount of anticipation that I look forward to it. 

Ciao,

Nora

The awakening...

I've just had 2 cups of coffee, but because of my gastric band I'm awfully full and I'll have to wait with my third cup for a while. I can't drink it now, because I feel a lot of pressure on my esophagus. Sometimes that's the way things go and I'll have to wait for everything to drain down to my stomach.

Anyway, it's early in the morning and for a change I didn't get up in the middle of the night. Well, I did to go to the toilet, but I had enough sense to go back to bed so as to not upset my natural rhythm. At least, what is supposed to be my natural rhythm. If I can just have the sense to keep doing this, I will be in much better shape during the day and not have to sleep so much. 

I will be able to to do this as long as I don't get a hypo-manic mood and upset the applecart. That's what it all revolves around. I had a few moments last night when I was lying in bed, when I felt like getting up and not going to sleep, but I talked myself out of it and stayed in bed. I can make myself hypo-manic by doing something like that, by giving in to the feeling. So, a lot of it depends on my attitude too and if I can resist the urge for a heightened mood. 

Yesterday went by very quickly for a Sunday. Of course, I spent a large part of it asleep, after I went back to bed early in the morning. I slept until noontime and woke myself up slowly with a cup of coffee in my armchair. Tyke was sitting on my lap, because he thinks he's a lap dog. He's a little bit too large to actually be one, but I don't let him know this.

I took about an hour to come to my senses and then turned on the computer and got dressed. Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Even Tyke didn't want to go outside. He did a piddle by the back door, against the tree closest to the apartment, and scooted back inside. 

I spent time answering emails and reading blogs. I drank milk and juice because I was so thirsty. I knew I was going to have coffee with my sister and didn't want to have any at home. During the day, a little bit of coffee goes a long way, even though I make it less strong now. I've been drinking less coffee and making the ground coffee last a lot longer. 

At three o'clock my sister came and got me and we drove to her house where her dog greeted me enthusiastically. I always make a big deal out of greeting him as if he's the most important person there. He gets his ball and I have to try and get it from him. He's just like Tyke. Different dog, same behavior. 

My sister and I got up to date with each other because, although we had talked on the phone, there's always a lot we have to discuss face to face. We never run out of material to talk about. Of course, just by being females we share a lot. More than anything, that's what we have in common. Being ex-wives and mothers and modern women in today's society and being politically aware, all those sort of things bind us. 

No, I promised myself I wouldn't get into deeper discussions than this on my blogs. I have many opinions, but I'm not going to air them. I will keep those to myself. This is not that kind of a forum. I will keep this shallow and self centered. 

My sister made me cafe au lait, which was delicious and very kind to my stomach. She had chocolate and little cakes, both of which I resisted and I was proud of myself. If I'm going to stick to a sensible diet, I'm not going to blow it at the first opportunity I get. My system likes me a lot better if I don't eat those things. I do have to keep that in mind. 

It had stopped raining just before three o'clock, so when I got home I immediately walked Tyke, who took full advantage of the opportunity and I walked him again later on in the evening, although that was a less rewarding trip. It was cold out too, because the layer of clouds was gone, causing what little warmth there was to disappear.  It's time for warmer clothes again. I'm all set in that department. I have no shortage of them. 

I watched the 5km speed skating and saw a Dutchman win, which was gratifying and he was a nice guy too, which makes it even better. I'll cheer for anybody who has a sympathetic character, especially if he's Dutch, but really anybody if he's a good sportsman. Or she, of course. I do like to watch speed skating, as I think it's such a graceful and powerful sport at the same time.  

It's time to get dressed and walk Tyke. It 43F out there, so I must dress warm. It will be nice to get some fresh air, but I'm not looking forward to the cold. 

I hope you all have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

How I made a mess...

I still had Ubuntu installed on this computer and in my effort to uninstall it, I wiped everything off the hard drive, Windows XP and Ubuntu. That's when you get too smart for yourself and start messing around in systems where you have no business being. When you only half understand what you are doing.

I switched the computer off and started it up again and got the message that I had to reboot by inserting the device and pressing any key. Well, the only device I had was the Ubuntu installation CD, so I inserted that and installed the program. Since it was so old, it had to download over 600 new packages of software to update it. So I very patiently did that. All went well, no hitches.

Then I noticed that I could update to the latest 10.04 edition and did I want to do that? I thought, sure, why not. While I'm doing this, I may as well do it right. I had to download 1,604 packages of software and it was going to take a little over an hour. I did that, waited patiently, drank some coffee, smoked some cigarettes, and yes, it did everything it was supposed to do.

Next, it had to install everything and clean up the system. That took another hour or so, but everything went very smoothly. I couldn't believe my luck. I entered my user name and password and could get started. I started up Firefox and opened up all the tab pages that I was going to need with all the websites on them.

Having done that, I opened up the email program and added all the relevant information to start receiving and sending emails. That almost went perfectly from the beginning. I made an error, but knew how to fix it, and everything was fine after that. I do still have to enter everyone's email address and that's going to be a lot of work. I'm not looking forward to that.

So, there really was no hitch, you see? Except that now Ubuntu is my only running program and that Windows XP has disappeared.  When I shut the computer off for the first time, I was afraid to turn it back on again and get some sort of awful message that I would have to reboot the system all over again, but apparently updating it has worked beautifully.

I took a sleeping pill and went to bed and slept until 2 pm and Tyke ate my cigarettes and lighter that I had forgotten to put away, so that's my own fault. He would do something like that when tempted. He didn't actually eat them, but rip them apart into small pieces that I found on my bed and the floor beside it. I never hear a thing, sound asleep as I am.

It was a slightly hypo manic night, I think you could say that. I'm feeling fairly normal now, but I don't know how the rest of the day will go. Now that I have Ubuntu again, I will be drawn to the computer even more than I usually am because of curiosity. I'm not going to do anything really out of the ordinary with it, but I did download Foxsaver for the pretty photos. I don't have any images yet in my folder of images, so I must do something about that. Therefor these posts will go without pretty pictures for a while.

I must get the show on the road now and be a good dog owner and apartment dweller. I can't sit here all afternoon, much as I'd like to. There are some jobs waiting for me that must be done before I can enter the email addresses into that program.

Have a good rest of the day and try to stay away from your hard drive or whatever in the world it is called. I get those terms mixed up and I have no one to ask.

Ciao,
Nora

What the heck?

I was up during the night and I was so hypomanic. I was higher than a kite. I only wrote emails and comments on blogs, but I wonder if I was obnoxious? I took my medicines at 5 am and went to bed a 7 am and slept until 10 o'clock when I had to get up for my personal helper. I was not in a very good mood and it worsened with time until I was deeply depressed when I got out of the shower. I was a mess and wanted there to be a way to end my life. I sat in my armchair and cried. 

The personal helper did the dishes and walked the dog. She talked to me and tried to make me feel better. I was inconsolable and took my next batch of medicines. They started to work after a while and I calmed down some, but I couldn't get rid of the feelings of dread. 

The domestic help arrived and the personal helper explained the situation to her. The domestic help did her work quickly and quietly while I sat in my armchair. My psychiatrist and my SPN were both absent for the day and I tried to reach someone else to talk to. After the domestic help left I went to bed and pulled the covers over my head and tried to sleep. 

Someone else called me and tried to make me feel better. It didn't help much, except that I got to tell my story. I went back to sleep. Some time later my personal helper called to see how I was. I said that I was trying to take care of myself. I slept until 5 o'clock and when I woke up I felt better, though I was distinctly lacking in enthusiasm. I had something to eat and took my next batch of medicines and sat in my armchair. I was supposed to walk the dog, but had to wait for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. 

I watched TV without the least bit of interest until the delivery boy showed up. Then I walked Tyke in the very cool evening air. That got some life back into me and when I got home, I turned on the computer, not really knowing what to do once I had it on. I was undecided about writing a post. I'm going to shut the computer off now that I've written it. 

I have to sleep well tonight and not get up. I don't know yet how I am going to manage this. I feel like I'm playing with fire. I'm very discouraged, but I have to try my best. 

Ciao,
Nora