On the success of not smoking...

I've had to keep myself entertained yesterday because I couldn't waste my time sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and numerous cigaerettes. That was onne of the methods I used to sit and contemplate my navel, but it is no longer possible since I quit smoking. I do still sit in my armchair on occasion but I don't contamplate my navel too much. I'm really not lost in thought as I dreamily peak through the clouds of smoke I exhale. 

I have to find other ways to fill my time now and it can be a bit of a problem because I'm an organized person and there really isn't that much to do. Yes, if I really think about it long and hard, I can think of chores to do that I've been putting off and that need my attention but they are not pressing matters. They are not shouting out at me to be done. 

I think what I'll do is take a trash bag and make a round through the apartment and just start filling the bag with obsolete items, be they big or small. I'll get rid of anything I'm doubtfull about and that includes the items that are in drawers and baskets that are sitting around. These are the catch all places in which things dispappear and then never see daylight again. 

It's almost 24 hours since I've quit smoking and it hasn't been difficult. Of course this is the third time I've quit and it is all so familiar to me. I really don't have much of a problem not lighting up a cigarette and very seldom feel that I have to. Sometimes I have a longing for one but the feeling is short lived. I just imagine myself inhaling smoke and how awful that really is and that helps me get over it. 

I aired out the apartment very well yesterday. I opened all the windows, and because it was windy outside, a good draft blew through. I don't smell the difference because no doubt my sense of smell is still impaired but I'll repeat the process today until I can be fairly sure that it smells good in here. I do have to spray the furniture with Febreze to get the smoky sell out of it.

It threatened to rain all day yesterday so I didn't hang any of my clothes outside to air on the clothes line. As it was, it didn't rain at all. I think I will just wash most of them in that good smelling washing powder and have that be good enough. There's still rain forecast for the next few days so I will dry them on the clothes rack in the bathroom. . 

I had an opportunity to smoke yesterday when I was at the hairdresser. I was offered a cup of coffee and a cigarette but I turned both down. I can't start making exceptions and I simply don't want to smoke anymore. I'm doing very well without it. 

I did get a good haircut and I'm happy with it. It's very easy to take care of hair and I should have gone in sooner. I thought it was barely time to have it cut but I was wrong. I could have gone a week ago or sooner. I was using way too much hairspray to keep my hairdo in place. 

Middle aged women do look better if they have decent haircuts. 

Ciao,

Irene

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.

Ciao,

Irene

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't it wonderful to reward yourself regularly just for being a human being and for doing the best that you can? You don't have to perform any special deed to deserve the reward. Just living well is enough. We shouldn't feel that we always have to jump through hoops to get a pat on the head. Sometimes just making it through the day should be more than enough. 

In my case I reward myself with something nice to eat. Not something decadent and fattening but something that will agree with my stomach well and that's for the most part nutritious. But it will be a food I enjoy eating. I can find great delight in eating a banana for example and I make sure I enjoy the experience completely. 

Of course, one of the really nice things I eat is Greek yogurt with brown sugar. I really sit down well in my armchair for a bowl of that and savor every bite of it. It's one of the kindest things I can do for myself and I think I deserve the whole bowl just for being your average, every day person. Someone who does the best that she can and makes it through the day intact. 

And that's not because my life is such a battle, though you could say that it consists of many small battles, but because life in general is not a bed of roses for anyone. And, after all, roses do have their thorns, don't they?  Actually, I lie about life not being a battle, it has been a great big ugly battle at times. It's even been all out war.

All the more reason to reward myself on a regular basis. I don't mean that you should indulge yourself in every whim because that would defeat the purpose. But you should defintely create special moments for yourself that make your feel good and warm all over by whatever method that happens to be as long as it's legal. I do want to emphasize that point. If you get a kick out of shoplifting, I don't suggest you do that. 

That's the thought I woke up with this night and I realize it's armchair psychology. Anyone can come up with this philosophy and I'm sure many people have. I'm sure I'm not a lone voice calling in the desert but maybe I planted a seed. 

In the meantime I'm sitting here having a halfway decent cup of coffee and my cigarettes. That's another way of rewarding myself. They're kind deeds I do for myself but they're such ordinary, often in a day things that I almost take them for granted. I do say almost, I never take them for granted completely and I do appreciate them every time. I'm fully aware of their effect on me and I would not be the same person without them.

I've got to indulge in some other activity now and then go back to bed. I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Irene

Sometimes no change is no good...

I woke up with a headache and I've still got it so I've just taken a paracetamol. Hopefully it will start to work shortly. This is the same headache that I've been battling almost non stop for the past 12 days. I did have one day of relief when I thought it was gone but it seems I was mistaken. It was only a temporary absence of the worst pain. I was too much of an optimist like I have a tendency to be. 

I do have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I hope he can give me some medicine to cure it. Actually, I hope he will tell me that I've got a bug and give me an anitbiotic. Having a headache all the time is tiring. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. The novelty has worn off by now. 

Other than that I'm in a good enough mood because today the spare bedroom gets cleaned out. I'm looking forward to that very much and can't wait for the job to be done. It will mean that I'll have some cleaning to do but hopefully my domestic help will be able to pitch in tomorrow. I know the floor is going to need a lot of cleaning and it's rather dusty in there, so it's going to need a bit of elbow grease. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and it sure is making me feel good. I was very thristy and the coffee had made me more so. The milk makes me feel cold, that's true, but it soothes my stomach and makes my head feel better. The coldness helps the pain. There's probably something to be said for putting an ice bag on your head when you're having a headache. Unfortunately I have no such thing and no ice cubes. The ice cube tray got a big split in it and I threw it away. I have yet to buy a new one.

I'm sitting here in my warm bathrobe which needs to be washed again and I will put it in with the next load of laundry. This bathrobe does take a beating because I hang out in it so much. I spill things on it and wipe my hands on it and basically treat it badly. It's a very comfortable piece of clothing and I'm very fond of it. I hope I'll have it for a long time even though it's too big on me. Maybe that's the comfort of it. It has two big pockets in which I put a multitude of things and every once in a while I clean them out. At least I always have a tissue handy. 

I'm starting to yawn and need to think about going back to bed. It's with some reluctance that I do that because I'm not nearly ready to go. I like sitting here too much in the cozy semi darkness and I've just poured myself another glass of milk. I do want to finish it first and smoke another cigarette. 

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

Good moods...

The day is early and I'm enjoying my cups of coffee. I've even already had some breakfast because I've discovered that coffee agrees better with me if it lands on a layer of food. It's a good idea to eat anyway because I think I'm a much happier camper for it, although I'm usually in a good mood in the morning. I don't sit here in short supply of good spirits. Even if the weather is bad like it is now, I still feel cheerful enough. 

Maybe that is because the dog is sound asleep and apparently not in need of a walk yet. I don't have to worry about getting dressed and going out there. I can sit here and take my sweet old time. The coffee tastes all the better for it and so do my cigarettes and while I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, I do want to enjoy the small pleasures in life. 

I want to say, thenk goodness that it's Friday and that the weekend is coming up, but I didn't enjoy the last weekend at all and I don't know why I should be happy about it. It must be an old habit that is hard to break. 

I am in a way looking forward to the laziness of the weekend and to the TV programs that I'll watch which are always more interesting than they are during the week. I always get some chores done too, so the weekends do have some function and depth. It's not as if they are complete wastes of time. 

Today the Exfactor will be here if the weather does not prevent him from riding his bike over. He will have to take his chance between showers. He does have proper rain gear and he's a pretty tough customer who's not afraid of getting a little wet. Still, I would not wish for him to get drenched in one of the heavy showers that sometimes come down.

The domestic help will be here too, cleaning the apartment well enough so that I will only have some other chores left to do such as laundry and changing the bed and doing the dishes. It's great when somebody else does the tough jobs that can cause so much frustration. This domestic help is very cheerful and often sings while she works. It does set the proper tone. 

I've got to hop in the shower and get ready. It has stopped raining and the weather looks better right now. I've got to take my chance and walk the dog. 

Have a nice day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

No dull people here...

As usual, I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette, enjoying the peace and quiet of the middle of the night. I don't have to tell you anything new. It's the same old story, but I think that does not make me a dull person. I'd like to think that it makes me predictable, but still still exciting enough to get to know better. I may be an open book by now, but maybe we haven't read all the chapters yet. 

I made just enough coffee for two cups. That's my limit and how much coffee I make every time I do. In 24 hours, I have six cups of coffee and I think that's not much compared to how many I used to drink. I'm severely limiting myself. It's a little bit tough, but doable. 

As long as I get some caffeine when I wake up from whenever I've been asleep, I'm okay. If I don't have any, I'm likely to be a grouchy person and sit here like a bump on a log and achieve very little. 

I feel that way especially when I wake up from my afternoon nap. I would be very devastated if I could not have any caffeine then. I always feel like I'm in a state of depression and feel like crying when I first get up. 

Well, that's exaggerating it a little bit, but I really do need the caffeine to function better. I think it's like a medicine that makes the chemicals in my brain work better. Two cups are just enough, although I'd like to cut it down to one, but I think that's stretching it and probably an over ambitious plan. 

I must have just turned thirteen when I started drinking coffee regularly. I remember that I had my own cup and saucer that nobody else used. Everybody did. We all had our own individual little teaspoon too to stir the sugar with. I took both sugar and cream in my coffee then. To make it potable, I'm sure. 

We drank coffee every evening at 8 o'clock and in the weekends also at 10:30 in the morning. We all had two cups, it was a ritual. It was a little impolite to turn down the second cup. In the Netherlands, it's impolite to turn down anything that's offered to you, even if it's by your own mother.

I got my own hand cut crystal wineglass when I was not quite sixteen. It was assumed that you learned how to handle alcohol and drink it socially along with the adults at the proper time of the evening. I never did become a drinker, except for the occasional lapse when I have three or four drinks and become drunk.

But the love for coffee never left me and I'm addicted to it to this day. That's why I think it has medicinal qualities. My son was the same way and was not approachable until he'd had his morning coffee. We had a lot in common. Talk about the apple not falling far from the tree. 

There may have been a dull person here after all. What do you think? It's not a very exciting post, is it? Apparently I'm not that inspired this night. I must not have had enough coffee. I'm probably too sane to be very interesting. 

Well, you can't win them all.

Have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Merrily skipping along...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette trying to pull myself together. I just woke up from a short nap and I think I woke up prematurely leaving me totally discombobulated. 

This is the second cup of coffee I'm having. I drank the first one quickly wanting to get back to normal as fast as I could. Whatever is supposed to be meant by normal. I suppose I should say that I want to be in a good mood.

I was nearly completely in a state of depression just a while ago. I thought the end of the world was in sight. I knew the coffee would change my outlook. I knew that's what I needed. As usual the caffeine has done its work again.

I can see the silver lining to the clouds again and behind it the sunshine. Phew, what a relief. It's a good thing that I knew I needed a cup or two of coffee or something awful could have happened. A person could commit suicide in vain. 

I actually didn't have a bad day at all. It just went pear shaped after that nap. The rest of the day went fine. I even got up at a decent time this morning and it was not necessary to drink numerous cups of coffee before I had my act together. I was functioning well very quickly well before my personal helper got here.

The time spent with her was good too. I experienced it as pleasant, which has been different in the recent past when I have thought of her in not so friendly terms, but it must be me who feels differently. I think the increase in medication has changed that and made me more approachable and friendlier. 

She noticed the difference in me and said that my whole demeanor was different and that she could even tell by my body language that I had a different attitude than I did last week. I remember being in worse shape then, but I didn't realize that it was such a large difference and that it was so obvious. I guess I can't hide myself from my environment. 

After giving it much thought, I've decided to try and quit smoking again. I've made an appointment with the supporting therapist who works at my doctor's practice and I will see her on Thursday. 

I've been thinking about quiting for a while now and really want to give it a try again after not succeeding last year. It's too expensive to keep smoking and it's not good for my health either. 

I can imagine myself as a non smoker. I have a picture of that person in my mind. I reread the blog posts that I wrote during the time that I was not smoking and I thought that I made a lot of sense then. I sounded like a sensible person. That's what really struck me. Things went downhill after I started smoking again. 

So, there's my resolution. Let's hope I make it this time. 

Have a good night, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Waiting for the rain...

As is usual, I'm up in the middle of the night with my cups of coffee and my cigarettes. The dog is asleep on the coffee table and the cat is asleep on the sofa, which is a more normal place to be asleep on. It's a good thing that the coffee table is so sturdy. In fact, it is just about indestructible and can carry the weight of the dog easily. He must know that as he's sound asleep and totally oblivious of everything. 

He's been on two wild goose chases out on the patio looking for I know not what. He was on the trail of something, possibly a hedgehog. He didn't find anything, but wouldn't come in until I threatened to lock him out. He nearly got stuck in the jasmine bush and it served him right. He's way too curious for his own good. He pretends he badly has to go out and do a piddle, only to go sniffing all over the place and ignoring me when I try to get him to come in. 

The cat's a much simpler creature and takes care of herself. She's so uncomplicated. Except for the occasional mouse she brings in, she's not much trouble. There's a huge difference in the instruction booklets of both animals. You need a bookwork for the dog and a pamphlet for the cat. Cats are self explanatory. They are completely fool proof, excuse the unintentional pun.

Yesterday I put together a new outfit of two unrelated pieces of clothing. It looked good and I was much pleased. It seems I always get lucky with my clothes and am able to mix and match a lot. Maybe it's because I stick to the same basic colors and that the main one is black with which I combine others. I seem to pick autumn colors a lot while originally I'm supposed to be a summer colors person. I think maybe I've changed over the years. 

Purging my closet has made it easier to pick out outfits. I have a much better view of the clothes I have available now. I've put things that were folded on shelves on hangers to give me a better idea of what's there. I have more room to do that now. It helps to get dressed if your closet is organized. There's no hopeless searching through clothes that don't fit or are otherwise obsolete.

It helps that the weather has been cooler because this gives me more chance to wear the clothes that I like best. Skimpy clothes are okay, but not necessarily the ones that I most want to wear. I do like dressing up a bit and I like wearing layers.

Today is Friday and one of the days I enjoy the most. I intend to make the most of it. The domestic help will be here and I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee, but it's really the run up to the weekend and the time I like most. The unstructured time. 

I will be watching a lot of tennis on television at Roland Garros. The weather won't be all that great, so I won't be outside all that much. The temperatures will be low and we're still supposed to get that promised rain that hasn't materialized, but maybe it will today.

I hope you're all having a good night and sweet dreams. 

Ciao,

Nora

Soothingly familiar...

I'm enjoying my time in the middle of the night with a fresh cup of coffee and a cigarette and the company of the dog who is lying by my feet. At least he has quieted down now and is no longer running to the back door to bark at imaginary danger. 

The coffee tastes mighty nice and puts me in a good frame of mind. It makes all the little gears in my head spin correctly and that's important in the middle of the night when I want to make sense. I've already slept several hours and am now ready for some time up and about until I get tired again. 

I'm actually very thirsty and the coffee really doesn't take care of that so much, but the milk is almost all gone and I can't have tall glasses of it . I think I have some lemonade left and will drink a glass of that to quench my thirst before I have more coffee. Running out of milk is a real catastrophe. It should not be allowed.

Because the Exfactor is not going to be able to do the groceries today, I will have to go to the little Arab shop around the corner and buy some milk there. I pass it all the time but have not been inside yet. It is convenient to have it so close by and it will be a whole different cultural experience. 

The sugar content of the lemonade is going straight to my head and is making me cheerful. I think I will have two glasses of it. I do like to mess with the chemicals in my brain, albeit it with very harmless substances. I don't think anyone has ever been caught driving under the influence of sugar or caffeine. I think I may have needed a little pick me up. 

This afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN  and on my way home I will go by the pharmacy to pick up the Metamucil. I had to order it especially in the size packaging and flavor I wanted. I can't wait to start using it to see what difference it will make. I expect it to do wonders. Like I said, I used to use it in California and it will get rid of my bloated belly and then some. 

During this meeting with my SPN I will hear how much longer she will be my therapist. She was going to try and be it for 6 months longer, but had to get permission for that. I'm curious what the outcome will be. If it means that I have to become more independent, then so be it. I am more than ready for it and not afraid to be. 

We do grow up and have to learn to find out own way.

I thought maybe it was a fluke when I went on the bathroom scale yesterday and had lost a kilo, but I went on it again a while ago and it was true. I want to lose 4.5 kilos and then I'll probably be happy. I think that will be the most weight I can expect to lose. That's more than the Obesitas Specialist said I could expect to lose. I'm already past his goal. 

Well, I think I'll get ready to go back to bed. I've got a lot of sleeping left to do and a lot of time to do it in. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

My morning coffee...

For a change I slept through the night again and I'm much pleased. It always feels like such an accomplishment when I do. Going back to bed after I've let the dog out back in the middle of the night is quite an achievement, especially if I'm grumpy when I do and I really want a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I was able to resist the urge and go back to sleep. 

It is raining as I write this and as you know, I don't mind that one bit. I'm very warm and cozy inside by the light of the desk lamp with my bathrobe on. I can think of worse things that could happen. Rain is not one of them. The dog is not nearly ready to go out and is sound asleep on the sofa. We can wait to go for a walk until this shower is over. Besides, we need the rain on our dusty and dry earth. I hope things get good and wet. 

I looked through the shelves in my closet yesterday and found many clothes that were to big. They were added to the already large stacks of other clothes that I had already taken out. I found some things that would fit and washed them and they are hanging on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I've really decimated my wardrobe. It's sad when you see what's left over. I shouldn't complain, though. There's enough left to put together lots of outfits for now and I only have to worry about what I'm going to do in the wintertime. I'll have to get some warmer clothes before that time. Not much, but something anyway. 

I'll no doubt lose more weight before that time, so no action is required on my part now. I want to lose 5 kilos, but at the moment I'm not losing any weight. I'll probably have to decrease one of my medications if I want to and that's going to happen some time in the near future according to my psychiatrist. As soon as I'm stable enough, we're going to give it a try. 

I've been stable for about two weeks now and that's not a very long time yet. I'm grateful for it, though. It's so much easier not to have those terrible ups and downs anymore. Those are the hardest things to deal with. It's the unpredictability of the moods that makes it so difficult. It's great when everything is on an even keel again and I'm pretty much stable throughout the day. 

I watched the Eurovision Song Festival last night and listened to many mediocre songs. The songs I really liked didn't get the votes I hoped for. A typical song festival song won. That was predictable, of course. It is said, though, that the song festival does more for European cohesion than politics ever could. That's something anyway. You wouldn't think so with all the Eastern European countries voting for their neighboring countries. 

Tonight is the football match for the national championship. It will be very exciting to watch. I'm for FC Twenthe, of course. I couldn't be for Ajax. I have to be for the Saxons with their familiar accent. It's in the genetics. I'll either watch it on television or listen to it on the radio with the danger that I'll fall asleep during it. I still have to make a decision about that. It depends on how late I want to stay up. 

The sun just came out and it's a good time to end this epistle. I'll have to take the dog out shortly. I still need to take a shower and wash my hair before I'm presentable.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

It's tomorrow already...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette wasting my time. I should be asleep and I had vowed that I would be, but I woke up nevertheless. Never one to miss an opportunity, I'm writing a post, of course. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

I have to wait until I get sleepy again and it may take some time and that's not because I had the coffee. I will sleep regardless of it. I just have to get into the proper mindset to go to sleep again. I have to long for my bed and I'm not there yet. 

I am yawning, so that's a good sign. I have a tear rolling down my cheek. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning so hard that I have to be careful not to dislocate my jaw.

I can't take myself seriously right now and I feel that anything I write will be nonsense. That's because I don't want to write about anything serious. I want to leave all those subjects alone. I only want to write about things that don't matter, like about how good the coffee tastes and how good that glass of milk is going to taste that I'm going to have in a minute. 

I feel like having a banana split with a huge dollop of whipped cream on top. Real whipped cream, not the kind that comes from a can. Some ice cream would taste real good right now. Vanilla with real bits of vanilla bean in it. I will make myself happy with the cold milk instead. That's almost as good. 

It rained all day yesterday which made it cozy to be inside, but I did have to turn the lights on and I had the heater on too later in the day. I even wore warm clothes. My mood went from bad to worse and I slept all afternoon, which made me feel better. Sleep always restores me. It bans bad thoughts. 

I've got to go back to bed and sleep as long as I possibly can. I have to set some kind of record. I mustn't be fooled into getting up in a few hours. I must stay in bed and sleep. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The most excellent time of the night...

I have slept four hours and am in good spirits. That is only one hour less than if I had taken my new sleeping pills, proving my point that they really don't work. And I feel better waking up too, making me all the more happy. So, the psychiatrist was right in telling me yesterday not to take them anymore. I can only agree with him, besides, the less pills, the better. They all have side effects and I believe these ones made me grumpy and emotional during the day. I'll have to see if today goes any better, but I assume it will. 

I am sat here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and all of my good intentions and a very good mood. I somehow want to act on them and make them count, but that's hard to do in the middle of the night. I can't perform good deeds or climb any mountains or make a trip around the world. If I were a billionaire I could maybe do some of these things impulsively. That's a huge daydream I could get lost in and I just did. I do have to call myself to order. 

This very good mood I am in will have to be put to use some other way. I will just have to write a good post and try to get my good vibes across. 

There's nothing nicer than sitting here in the middle of the night, feeling very good all by myself and wishing to share it with somebody else. If I could make your day seem brighter, I would be very happy. I would want your half empty glass to seem half full. I would want you to count all your blessings and be grateful for them, no matter how small they were.

But that sounds too evangelical and I don't want to come across as someone like that. You get to decide those things for yourself. There is such a thing called self determination, after all, in which you choose your own destiny and the things you believe in along the way. You have to pick your own attitude and outlook. I can't force you into one or the other. 

I'm now sitting here with a glass of cold milk and am thinking of all the ways a person can enjoy themselves if they can hang on to their good mood indefinitely. It seems to me that even the little things in life would be a joy to do if your mood was always good. Everything would be done without a struggle. I can't count on such predictability. My moods are too changeable for that. They go through the whole range from high to low and back again in one day. Especially at this time of the year. I'm a wobbly woman. I need my own cheerleader section. 

I am taking my time writing this because I'm continually distracted by my own thoughts. It's called daydreaming, I think. Sometimes I do a lot of that. I'm also developing a sore throat, which is surprising because as far as I know, I haven't been exposed to anyone who is ill. Oh yes, one of the domestic helps had tonsillitis and was taking antibiotics for it. I hope I'm not getting sick. It would be a waste of a good weekend, but I suppose the timing would be good. I have nothing really important planned. 

I can actually say that I'm glad that it is Saturday. I'm going to take the day off and rest on my laurels. Oh yes, I do have to go to the tobacco shop. That will be my outing for the day then. I do look forward to the day. I get to pick out a new novel from the bookcase and I'm full of curiosity as to what it's going to be. I feel like a thriller, but I don't know if I have any left that are unread. Wish me luck at finding something good. 

Have a good day and stay out of trouble. 

Ciao,

Nora

Nightly mishaps...

I really need one more cup of coffee before I start writing this and I will take care of that shortly. It ought to get me in the proper mood to turn out some good prose. I'm still a bit struck by sleep and I'm not sure if I should have gotten up already. I thought I was awake when I opened my eyes, but it may have been a miscalculation. 

Any moment now the caffeine is going to do its job and jolt my brain into alertness and I will be right as rain. I will be better than that, I will be great. Not that I will have delusions of grandeur, I won't be as bad as all that. I will just feel terrific because I always do when I get a caffeine high.

If I ever got stranded on a deserted island, I would have to have coffee and cigarettes with me. On the other hand, it might be a chance to get over my addictions for good. I would have to live on the fruits of the land and the sea and I would hope to get stranded on a bountiful island. God only knows how healthy I'd get. 

I think the caffeine I've consumed in the meantime has done its job. I've sat here and had a huge fantasy about that deserted island. I feel wide awake and very alert. All the gears in my head are working faultlessly. If I ever were to become a writer of literature, I would have to do all my work very early in the morning when everybody else was still asleep. I'd have to drink a lot of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes and take advantage of my most productive hours.

Those certainly aren't during the day when I don't get much of anything done. Well yes, with a little bit of luck I get my chores done, but that's not very imaginative. Anybody can do that.

Well, so much for that temporary high of the coffee. It didn't last and I've come back down to earth. Now I'm just an ordinary mortal like everybody else. My head's readjusted itself again and I'm no longer existing in higher spheres. It was too much of a good thing anyway and this state of being is much more realistic. Being high on caffeine is a very artificial way to get in touch with your imagination. It's a lot of hot air that you spout.

I'm glad that I'm myself again because I didn't know what to do with myself the way I was. I think I was running a little bit rampant, especially if you could have seen where those fantasies about the deserted island took me. I had an earthquake and a tsunami all built in and a high hill to flee to. And a broken down and sodden encampment on the beach. 

I'm drinking my second tall glass of cold lemonade. That's better than drinking more coffee. I do have to keep an eye on that and not let myself be seduced by the immediate effects of the caffeine. It has just as much allure as alcohol does. I get a kick out of it. 

I finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed last night before I went to sleep. I never did get around to that this weekend. I put on clean pajamas and was asleep five minutes after I laid down. Gandhi slept on my stomach and was still there when I woke up. She always thinks my stomach is the best place to lie down on because it's like a cushion. She kneads it like it's a ball of dough. Luckily, she doesn't use her nails. She's a kind and considerate cat. 

I will think about going back to bed for awhile. This morning the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries, but I have lots of time before he gets here. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and after that one with my SPN. I'll have to go to the pharmacy after that and that will take care of my afternoon. It's supposed to be 17C today (62F) and the sun is going to shine. I may not have to wear my scarf. It will be the first time. 

Have a good day, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

No rest for me...

I was already in bed asleep, but then a dog started to bark nearby and every time it barked, Tyke answered it. I can't have that, of course, and I tried to get Tyke to stop barking, but to no avail. He would only stop if I got up.

So now I'm sitting here with my sleepy head guarding over Tyke who has gone to sleep by my feet. Every once in a while he lifts his head very alertly and listens for the barking dog. He tries to bark, but I stop him. Imagine if I was trying to be asleep in bed right now. It would be a disaster. 

To try and stay awake, I have made some coffee, but I really don't want to be awake right now. I'm awake under protest.  All because of that darn dog. I am yawning and the tears are rolling down my cheeks, but the coffee ought to take care of that quickly. 

I may as well make the best of it and make myself comfortable and write something good. Or at least make an attempt to. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to in this state, although the coffee is perking me up a bit. 

I had a very uninteresting day and spent a lot of it sleeping. I did walk Tyke a couple of times and even made it to the tobacco shop where I also bought a chocolate bar. I thought it was about time that I had something sinful. The chocolate made me feel very full and very good. I know there's a natural feel good chemical in it that works especially well for women. That's why women have such a thing for chocolates. I could eat a whole box of bonbons right now and it's a good thing that I don't have one handy. 

The tobacco shop had been closed the last time the Exfactor had gone grocery shopping, so he had bought me an inferior pack of tobacco at the supermarket. I made do with it, but it wasn't the same as smoking my regular tobacco. Today I bought two packs of it and made cigarettes with it and boy, was that ever a different experience. I didn't realize that I liked my regular tobacco so much. The other cigarettes were like inhaling air in comparison. They took care of my nicotine need, but that was about it. The cigarettes I have now are like smoking Gauloises as compared to Marlboro's. They pack a real punch. I mean, if you're going to smoke at all... I never understood those women that smoke menthol cigarettes called Belinda. 

I took a nap in the afternoon as has become a habit now and I take it in my bed because that's much more comfortable than the sofa. Tyke can get on the bed with me much easier than he can get on the sofa. I also don't wake up with a sore knee which is still bothering me if I don't have it in the right position. I've found out that lying on my back is the best way to sleep and if I fall asleep like that, I wake up like that too. I don't move around much in my sleep. It's the kindest way to lie down for my knee because I have both my legs stretched. There's still room for Tyke to lie down too. 

I wasn't too depressed today, but that may have been because it was Saturday and a day of no stress. The same will count for tomorrow. The only things I have to do tomorrow is change my bed and do the dishes. Oh yes, and put out the trash. I forgot to do that last week because the trash men came here on Saturday instead of Monday because of the holidays. That had escaped my attention. 

I do like the weekends and would like for them to last longer like they did a week ago. The only drawback is that the stores are closed for such a long time. The cafes are open and if you wanted to go downtown and sit on a terrace in the nice weather, it would be a fun way to spend the time. Let's face it, though, chances are that I will not do that because I will find excuses not to go. It will be too involved and unless somebody physically comes and gets me, I won't go. I find the bike ride down there too bothersome. I'm glad I make it to my SPN's office. 

That dog is still barking and I still can't go back to bed. I'm wide awake now and not about to go anywhere. I will have to find ways to amuse myself. Tyke is very alert and looking around the window shade. I think he's trying to figure out where that dog is. He's looking into the dark night. 

I've got to find some other things to do now. I think I've made this epistle long enough. I've got to drink a tall glass of lemonade to quench my thirst and put ice cubes in it to make it extra cold. I wish my refrigerator had a built in ice cube maker, but that is too much of a luxury. It wouldn't fit in my kitchen. I'm so deprived of luxuries. I don't take anything for granted. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

The 101st post.

Post 100 went by without me realizing it. I would have had a big celebration with party hats and balloons, but I'm too late now. I could still have a cupcake, but where can you buy just one cupcake? I would have to get at least three and feel obliged to eat them all, or two of them anyway and give the other one to Tyke who doesn't need one. I'll have to properly celebrate the 200th post and have people over to share in the fun and buy a real cake. That's a good plan and gets me off the hook for now.

I just woke up from a nap on my bed. It was very comforting and beneficial. I was feeling cold and fuzzy brained before I took it and now feel restored back to normal, whatever that is by any measure. I think that when you say you feel 'normal,' everybody knows what that means. It's a universally accepted state of being, as opposed to feeling 'crazy' which is not okay. Taking a nap can make you feel perfectly normal. In my case it always seems to work well. At any rate, I'm full of good cheer now. 

No doubt I'm full of good cheer because it's Friday evening and the weekend has officially started. I feel myself bathed in good vibes. I couldn't feel better if I were going out to the pub tonight with a bevy of my best pals and was going to drink six pale ales. That would be about my limit if I were going to ride my bike home. 

Luckily, I have to do no such thing and I get to stay in the warm apartment and not have to brave the freezing temperatures outside, although a pale ale would taste awfully good right now and I have none in the refrigerator. That is my bad luck and I should plan ahead better. I will ask the Exfactor to pick me up a six-pack the next time he goes grocery shopping. 

The good thing is that it's nice and warm in here. I aired out the apartment earlier today and pretended that the cold air didn't bother me. There was very little sunshine on the windows, because the sun is still so low in the sky that I'm plunged in shade in the afternoon. The apartment was aired out, at least to my sense of smell it was, but it sure was chilly in here. I wore almost enough clothes, but Tyke started shivering. 

I quickly closed the windows and turned up the thermostat. I was ready to knit Tyke a sweater. I think he was grateful as it heated up in here. I sure was glad about it. I'm not much of a hero when it comes to extremes of temperatures, unless I'm dressed like Scott on Antarctica. My nose is not sensitive enough to know how it really smells in here now. I'm so used to nicotine. I'm sure only I can live with it or the occasional visitor who also smokes. 

Since I'm not having a cold glass of beer, I'm having a cup of freshly brewed coffee, which is not bad either, although I would have preferred the beer. What a choice that is on a Friday night. Coffee or beer, really! Come to think of it, though, there's an awful lot of carbonation in beer and no doubt it will make me burp something terrible. That's something you always have to take into consideration when you have a gastric band. It won't be so bad when I burp, I will be here on my own anyway, but there may be some discomfort involved. I don't know if I'm willing to undergo that. Maybe I should let it sit and go flat first.

I'm going to hang up a load of freshly washed laundry before I forget. It will make it smell good in here. At least, that's my fervent hope. 

Ciao,

Nora

Not enough of a good thing...

I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette. I just woke up from a short nap on the sofa, which made me feel a lot better than I did before I took it. I was a bit discombobulated and feeling like I wasn't quite all together and thought it was because of the missing pill. I've just now taken all my evening medicines and should be doing okay in no time at all. 

Outside it is raining and melting a lot of the snow and ice, which is good. I wish it would rain more and really get rid of it. I would love to see clean streets and sidewalks. I'm afraid that the rain isn't coming down hard enough to wash away the toughest of the ice. It really needs to pour for that.

Maybe I should do a rain dance, though I'm not related to any kind of an aboriginal at all and probably don't have the right powers and accouterments. The gods would not be fooled by me, a western European woman. I probably can't dance down the rain, but I could give it an honest effort. Can you see me now, out on the patio? That would be a sight!

It's already dark outside and the streetlights are on. I still have the window shades up and can see a splatter of rain hit the windows every now and then. Inside it's cozy with the lamps and the heater on. I've just fed the animals, so they are happy. They do patiently wait in the kitchen until I notice them there. Not a peep out of them. I wish Tyke would be more assertive and carry his dish to me. Or that Gandhi would at least meow.

The Exfactor was here earlier in the day to drink coffee. He could actually make it up the street on his motorcycle. He has been having to park it at the beginning of the street and walk the rest of the way, because it was too slippery.

He told me the same story of how many films he took apart and how many trailers of films and how many advertisements and how long it took him. It makes me cross eyed with boredom. He only has a couple of stories and he tells me the same ones over and over again. He's like an old demented man. I feel that he's slowly driving me mad with them.

It's possible that we don't have enough to talk about for two visits in the week. I certainly don't know enough except for what I hear on the news, so I don't have that much to contribute.

Well, that's really all I've got to tell you, speaking of interesting contributions.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Early in the morning...

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes. It's early in the morning still, but I am wide awake and ready for the day to start. I went to bed on time last night and slept well. I was more than ready to go to sleep, because there was nothing on television that I was interested in after I watched the Dutch speed skating championships. They weren't even that exciting to watch and I was only pretending they were. The commentary was almost more interesting than the races themselves. Sometimes you have to fake an interest and act like it matters. I wasn't for any skater in particular, especially since Sven Kramer didn't participate. He was out because of an injury. 

After that it was really time to shut off the television and call it a day. I postponed going to bed for a while, because it was awfully early, but after some time I went ahead and changed into my pajamas. I listened to an interview with a well known architect on the radio and thought that some of it was bullshit. I think people make themselves and their methods and motivations look better than they are. They are asked for explanations and suddenly have to come up with them when they really do things for reasons even unknown to them and not well thought out and planned at all. They are put on the spot and have to look good.

I fell asleep after a while and slept without remembering my dreams. It was just a long dark night. Tyke woke me up because he had to go out. He gently growled at me. I let him out and made coffee. The coffee was most welcome. The first cup tasted like the elixir of life and gave me a kick. The second cup I drank for good measure. There isn't going to be a third cup this morning. I don't need it. 

The snow is very slowly melting as the temperatures are above freezing. There are supposed to be some rain showers today. I wonder if they will be enough to melt the rest of it? It will probably just turn into a big slush, I think there's too much snow and ice. Actually, at this point I wouldn't mind if all of it was gone, because it's no fun to walk in any more. It's downright dangerous. 

My Wednesday personal helper is coming this morning at 8:30. I have to make sure I'm ready before that time. I want to strip my bed and put clean sheets on and run the washing machine. I'll have two loads to do, but I like doing laundry. 

I have to keep in mind that Saturday will be a holiday and that all the stores will be closed. The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries, but he said he would be here on Friday again in case I needed anything else. My shopping list was so short. I keep thinking I've forgotten something crucial. I may need tobacco before the weekend is over, that's something I always have to calculate in. 

Look, I'm just writing down a bunch of nonsense. It's basically to keep you up to date. I'm not planning on doing anything special with my day. If I'm lucky, I won't need a nap. I've completely stopped taking the tranquilizers during the day, so they're not something that make me tired anymore. All I can think I'm doing now is hibernating, although it's possible that the anti-psychotics make me tired. They do have that side effect. I'll know once I decrease them more. 

Have a nice day, everyone. Don't let the weather get to you too much. 

Ciao,

Nora

Read all about it...

Well, the first day of the week lies behind me and a good one it was too. I have a very satisfied feeling and can look forward to the evening with a peaceful mind. I feel like I accomplished something and was useful and engaged and it's done wonders for my self esteem.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and made coffee and sat behind the computer until the early morning. Of course, then I got tired and after I took my medicines, I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and went to sleep. I didn't wake up until 11 am when my personal helper rang the intercom. I was so discombobulated. I had to get into action right away, when what I needed was a cup of coffee and a cigarette. 

I tried to speak coherently and pass for a functioning human being, but I didn't become one until after I had taken a shower and got dressed with a lot of difficulty and made a pot of coffee and had a cup. Then I felt like a human being who could participate in a grown up conversation. It was a great relief when I felt my mind start working normally. After that I started making sense. 

We dressed for the cold and took Tyke for a walk. It was very invigorating outside and the cold felt great because we were dressed warm enough. Tyke was a bundle of joy. He piddled on every twig and sniffed everywhere he had not been for a while. He pulled me along the sidewalk at high speed and then would stop in his tracks to investigate something minutely. It was stop and go and nothing in between. He was a happy puppy beside himself who forgets the world around him.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would not feel bad about how I spend the weekends and just make the best of them and not sit and mope about them, but survive them as well as I could without guilt feelings. If I feel myself perk up on Sunday afternoon, then that's all the better and I can take advantage of that and do whatever I have not gotten around to the rest of the weekend. I'm not to moan and complain about the weekends anymore as long as I find a way to survive them. And I do. In my own convoluted way.

Just as she left, my domestic help showed up and we started off with a cigarette and a talk. Then I had to clean up all the Trivial Pursuit cards that Tyke had pulled out of the box that was sitting on the bookcase in my bedroom. There were hundreds of those cards and they were spread all over the place. He had gotten to them by climbing on the rattan chair. The smartest thing to do, of course, was to move the chair. For some reason, this very obvious thing had not dawned on me before. Now he can't get to the higher shelves of the bookcase anymore.

Then I did the dishes, which I should have done on Sunday, but never got around to, and I cleaned every one of them down to the last teaspoon. Even Tyke has clean bowls. I don't like doing the dishes that much. I find it a frustrating job because the water slowly drains from the sink. It is because of a faulty plug and I have to keep refilling the sink and it's hard to get the water temperature right. I need a different faucet and a different plug. Or a dish pan to do the dishes in.

I turned down the thermostat and opened all the windows to air out the apartment, which is necessary when you smoke. It didn't help much because it didn't get colder than 20.5C in here. The kitchen window was stuck and I couldn't get it open. It would have made a difference. There was no wind, so no draft to speak of, and the little windows at the top of the living room windows don't let in much air. That's really noticeable in the summertime when you want the heat to escape.

I also had not gotten around to hanging up the laundry and got that done. I filled the rack  and am slowly getting the next load ready. I will look in my closet and find clothes to wash. Whatever smells like smoke will go in the laundry. 

The domestic help stayed for awhile after she was done with her work. We talk and bond and get to know each other. She does always try to please me and makes the extra effort and the better we get to know each other, the harder she tries. But I also try to make it as easy on her as possible and try to do things  before she gets here. 

After she left, I moved the very big scratching pole out of the spare bedroom into the living room and put it in the corner where Tyke has his toys. He investigated it for a while and then began to bark at it and coming to me looking very indignant. He didn't want that thing there. I told him it was for Gandhi, but he went over to her and shoved her off the sofa. She was very clearly not interested in the scratching pole and didn't even look at it. Tyke barked at it some more, so I picked it up and put it back in the spare bedroom and then peace returned. That was one failed experiment. It looked very ugly there anyway. 

Tyke and I went for another walk and now we're waiting for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. I never know at what time he'll be here, but I have to be home after 6 pm. 

Well, the story has gotten long enough. I'm quitting now. All that enthusiasm...

Ciao,

Nora