No photos...

It's about time that I write a post for this poor neglected blog. It's been a while since I turned my attention to it. It's a perfect time to do so because it's late in the afternoon on a Friday and I have just walked the dog and have nothing pressing left to do. I always plan it that way and luckily (or not) I don't have a family to cook dinner for. I suppose it would make me happy if I had a really nice family and a really nice kitchen and enough food in the refrigerator to cook dinner with. But in my wildest fantasies I am rich so it would be no problem. 

Unfortunately, I never buy any lottery tickets so the chances of me becoming rich are very small if not non-existant. I don't know if I should be like all the other optimistic people and buy them. I have a feeling that I would never win anything because I am never lucky when it comes to those kinds of things. It would probably just end up costing me precious money. I'm going to have to marry a millionaire. But who would have me? I am past my prime, after all. 

I better start thinking more cheerful thoughts. It's no good to sit here and face that sort of reality too much, it might depress me and I'm not in the mood for that. Let's talk about the weather instead and I'll tell you that it's done with the sunshine and that it's been gloomy all day. It hasn't bothered my outlook on life and I've kept my chin up helped by numerous cups of coffee. I needed those because I got up too early this morning and had a shortage of sleep all day. The caffeine kept me going. 

The domestic help was here and the Exfactor, so I didn't get a chance to take a nap but I hope I'll sleep all the better tonight. I'll be a good dog owner and walk the dog one more time before I go to bed. That is instead of letting him do a piddle out back which I normally do. I'm usually not in the mood to go out anymore at night and most of all want to put my pajamas and my bathrobe on as quickly as possible. Maybe the fresh air will do me some good and help me sleep extra well. It doesn't get dark until 10:30 pm, so I'll be safe from the bad guys.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Irene

Sometimes no change is no good...

I woke up with a headache and I've still got it so I've just taken a paracetamol. Hopefully it will start to work shortly. This is the same headache that I've been battling almost non stop for the past 12 days. I did have one day of relief when I thought it was gone but it seems I was mistaken. It was only a temporary absence of the worst pain. I was too much of an optimist like I have a tendency to be. 

I do have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I hope he can give me some medicine to cure it. Actually, I hope he will tell me that I've got a bug and give me an anitbiotic. Having a headache all the time is tiring. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. The novelty has worn off by now. 

Other than that I'm in a good enough mood because today the spare bedroom gets cleaned out. I'm looking forward to that very much and can't wait for the job to be done. It will mean that I'll have some cleaning to do but hopefully my domestic help will be able to pitch in tomorrow. I know the floor is going to need a lot of cleaning and it's rather dusty in there, so it's going to need a bit of elbow grease. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and it sure is making me feel good. I was very thristy and the coffee had made me more so. The milk makes me feel cold, that's true, but it soothes my stomach and makes my head feel better. The coldness helps the pain. There's probably something to be said for putting an ice bag on your head when you're having a headache. Unfortunately I have no such thing and no ice cubes. The ice cube tray got a big split in it and I threw it away. I have yet to buy a new one.

I'm sitting here in my warm bathrobe which needs to be washed again and I will put it in with the next load of laundry. This bathrobe does take a beating because I hang out in it so much. I spill things on it and wipe my hands on it and basically treat it badly. It's a very comfortable piece of clothing and I'm very fond of it. I hope I'll have it for a long time even though it's too big on me. Maybe that's the comfort of it. It has two big pockets in which I put a multitude of things and every once in a while I clean them out. At least I always have a tissue handy. 

I'm starting to yawn and need to think about going back to bed. It's with some reluctance that I do that because I'm not nearly ready to go. I like sitting here too much in the cozy semi darkness and I've just poured myself another glass of milk. I do want to finish it first and smoke another cigarette. 

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Irene

Too early to sleep, I suppose...

I was all ready to go to bed and go to sleep because I thought the day was done, but apparently I was too early with my attempt and my body wasn't quite ready to shut down yet. I was lying there wide awake, thinking all sorts of interesting thoughts, but not at all going to sleep so I got up again. 

I will try again in a little while because it is my intention to get a good night's sleep. Now that my lungs are inhaling clean air, I do feel that I'm a healthier sleeper and that my nights are spent better in a sounder sleep. I'm not bothered by nicotine and tar and other poisons anymore and I imagine that my breathing has become more liberated and that it affects my sleep also.

Actually, I'm imagining all sorts of good things and in my mind's eye my body is going through a healing process that I think it may not possibly go through that quickly in real life. I don't know how fast a body recuperates after smoking for so many years at my rate. I'm optimistic, though, and I'm willing it to heal quickly. I'm imagining pink and healthy tissue where my lungs are. I do believe in the power of positive thinking. 

I will know what sort of shape I'm in when I next ride my bike. I was in pretty good shape, but I expect to have more endurance now and more power in my legs. I'll really know how well I do when I ride up an incline. Those are always the true tests. 

I'm in my pajamas and bathrobe with a glass of cold milk. I have a craving for a Big Mac and french fries, but I don't think I'll be having them any time soon. It would be impossible for me to finish them, but it's nice to wish for them and to pretend I could have them if I wanted to. A Quarter Pounder would be nice too. I haven't had anything like it in years.

It's time for me to go to bed. When I start to have cravings like that, it's time to call it a night. Otherwise I will sit here and torture myself with visions of food I can't eat. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday afternoon...

Because it's Sunday afternoon, I can pretend I have nothing better to do but to sit here with a cup of coffee and a cigaret and very leisurely take my time and write this post. Really, I don't even have to pretend because it just is so, I really don't have to do anything else but this. How neat is that? 

I had a tall glass of green tea with lemon when I got up early this morning, but it didn't work the same as a cup of coffee. In other words, it didn't wake me up, so very shortly after that I went back to bed and slept a few more hours. No doubt I was up too early anyway. I had hardly slept enough during the night.

I had the feeling that caffeine didn't do that much for me anymore, but I was somewhat wrong. It does still give me a little bit of a kick in the pants, although I don't need it as much as I used to. One cup of coffee is more than enough to get me started.

The tea did taste very good, though, and I enjoyed the whole glass. It also didn't upset my stomach like coffee and milk usually do, so I thought that was interesting. Some more experimenting will have to be done to check if this is always the case. I can't really draw conclusions based on one glass of tea, of course. 

I had both the television and the radio on by turns and I also listened to Spotify, but I've come to realize that I mostly prefer silence. The television is okay if I want to watch a specific program, but it's not okay for background noise. There's just too much unnecessary excitement. On the radio I listen to Arrow Jazz FM, which is a pretty mellow station, but even then I find the music intrusive to my thoughts.

I prefer the white noise of silence, although I would love to hear the summer wind blow through the leaves on the trees and hear the birds sing. It's the wrong time of year for me, but just a little while longer and it will be springtime. I'm an optimist. 

I've got to take the dog for a walk. It's that time of the day again. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

...and other tales of mayhem.

It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that. 

There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.

 

I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.

I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me. 

That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.

At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings. 

I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday. 

I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.

Ciao,

Nora

Forget what I said...

Forget what I said about 'the black dog' being gone and about me feeling better because it's not true. I don't feel better at all. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty darn awful and I don't know what to do about it. 

I was lying in bed just now, unable to sleep, and I thought I was going a little bit mad with worry about my state of mind. It seems to be so negative even though I try to keep seeing the glass half full. I'm trying to fool myself into being in better shape than I am, but I can't keep it up any longer.

Enough said about that. I don't want this to turn into a whining post. I do have to keep seeing the glass half full. It's for the sake of my own survival that I do. Otherwise I may as well take an overdoses of pills and be done with it.

Needless to say, I'm having a cup of coffee to try to get me out of this state of mind. Maybe it will work soon. It will be a relief if it does. It will be a respite until I go to sleep and wake up again in the morning. Then there will be another battle to face which I will fight with other cups of coffee. 

I will try to stay upbeat and write about something cheerful... It was raining softly earlier in the evening and it was very pleasant. The rain released a good smell in the air and refreshed everything after a warm day. It was nice to stand by the open back door and the dog came in damp from the wet bushes in the flowerbeds. He does insist on walking through them. 

I watched the last episode of 'Pride and Prejudice' and was satisfied with the ending as usual. I've seen it so many times now that I can dream it in my sleep. I think I've got to read the book again and I have to see if it's still on my bookcase. It will be a pleasant, predictable book to read. The language will be wonderful and all the characters in the book will look like the characters in the series. Especially Mr Darcy.

Because of 'the black dog,' I've not been reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys.' I'm having a hard time concentrating and keeping my mind on it. That's why I think I need a book that I'm familiar with. One that I can easily read through and that's predictable. How well I read a book is definitely a reflection of my state of mind. By all rights I should read in the middle of the night when I'm most alert, but I do try to go back to sleep after I've written a post. 

I'll try to read in bed tonight and guard my book from the pesky dog. If I don't fall asleep with it and put it away on time there should be no problem. The wellbeing of the book depends on it. It could be shredded to pieces. I don't know how bad the dog is now that he's older. I don't quite trust him yet. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Giving it a try...

I've been in a somewhat bad mood for the past two days, but now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I'm going to take advantage of it and try to write a cheerful post. The somewhat weak, yet potable coffee is helping me be in a more optimistic mood, but maybe it's the hour of the night that's helping me be more cheerful. I do always do better at this time of my 24 hour cycle. 

The coffee is weak because I'm almost out of it and I have just enough left to make a pot in the morning when I get up again. By that time I will be out of milk, but there's the powdered creamer left. I'm counting on the Exfactor being here on time to save me from my dire situation. I will drink rooibos tea if I have to, it does agree with me as opposed to regular tea, which gives me lots of phlegm and coughing fits. 

My daytime moods have been very negative and make me not be productive at all. I sit around like a bump on a log and do a lot of sleeping. I can't get excited about very much at all and only take out the dog because I have to. My level of motivation is very low. 

There's a commercial on TV for a soft drink in which people turn into a splash of water and scatter like many drops of it into the air. I've been wanting the same thing to happen to me. To just dissipate into thin air and to vaporize completely. What a perfect way to stop existing. If only it were that simple.

I guess I'm looking for a painless way out. An easy solution that only exists in fiction.

Now, however, it is nighttime and there is a different set of circumstances. I must look at the glass half full, though the coffeepot and the milk container are empty. I guess it's time to drink tea. 

I don't know what my day is going to look like, except that the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries. More than anything I would like for my mood to improve. I would like for my sense of peacefulness to return. I must find my inner center of calm and concentrate on that and try to find contentment in the little things. 

There's going to be an episode of Inspector Frost on tonight. That's something to look forward to. There's also mail to open. I look less forward to that. It's a minor miracle that I even got it out of the mailbox yesterday. I prefer no mail at all because whatever it is, it's almost always mail I don't want.

I'm sufficiently tired now to want to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. I may waste this day on nothing important at all. If I regain my equilibrium then that would be an achievement. I think doing some dishes and a load of laundry is called for. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

With time and patience...

After the unfortunate reaction on my part after meeting my first ex-husband, I had a real good discussion about it with my personal helper on Monday morning and that seemed to have helped me a great deal. She pointed out the fact that I was a human being with very human feelings and that it was not so strange that I reacted to him the way I did. I have subsequently had a good blogging friend point out the same thing to me, and even illustrate it with a story of her own, so I feel much better now. 

I haven't had to take anymore extra medication and to me that is a good sign. It means I am more steady on my feet and more solidly held together. I'm not falling apart anymore, although I look back in horror at the time when I did and at anything that reminds me of it. Even the clothes that I wore. They all need to be washed before I will wear them again. I don't even want to wear the boots I was wearing. They will need to be banned for a while. 

I feel like doing something radical such as rearranging the bookcase, but I've managed to keep myself from doing that huge chore yet. I don't want to bite off more than I can chew and really need to set apart a time for that. For now I just want to be content that I feel more normal again and that I seem to be back in control of myself. The fact that this is so, fills me with joy and I feel as if I've escaped some sort of sentence. 

Of course, anything I say during the night mustn't be held against me and I don't want to be held accountable for it. During the night I am an eternal optimist and always see the glass more than half full. It's how I feel during the day that will really count, although it is strange that those feelings should be more legitimate. I'm alive during the night too, after all, and I sleep half the day.

I'm sitting here drinking cold milk now and getting a bit chilled from it, but it is ever so good for my thirst. I will go back to bed shortly because I'm tired enough to sleep some more. I'm sure I have no interesting things left to do here. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

I say the glass is half full, darn it...

After having been in a pessimistic and foul mood for more than 24 hours, I decided yesterday afternoon to take matters into my own hands and to will myself to be optimistic and good natured again. I couldn't stand the mood I was in and I could see that it was only hurting me and hindering my process at becoming a healthy and sane woman. That's not what I wanted out of life. I didn't want to be bitter and  p*ssed off angry. It just didn't become me and I felt highly uncomfortable with it.

I decided to make my peace with my psychiatrist (the person I was most angry with) and to find out exactly how he wanted me to use the new sleeping pills along with the old ones. I wrote him a long and friendly email asking that question for one and soon afterwards I got an answer from him. He explained how he wanted me to use the sleeping pills and it was all very clear to me down the the minutest detail and it sounded reasonable to me. I never had understood that and had not gotten it clear from the beginning. I had been too busy being angry and p*ssed off.

It's a policy that I can live with and I've agreed to give it an honest try, so last night I took the new sleeping pills along with the old ones and had a decent night's sleep. I really slept until I was done sleeping and I made sure of that by staying in bed as long as possible. I'm training myself to be a good sleeper. That's the whole purpose behind this exercise. Anyway...

I watched a very good episode of Inspector Linley last night. It was the one in which the new Helen died, which I thought  was incredibly sad because I liked her and it came so unexpected. I liked her much better than the old Helen and thought she was a real improvement. I had envisioned her being part of the series for a long time.

Now that I'm up and running, I'm going to take the dog for a long walk this morning. He does so enjoy them and it seems to take the rambunctiousness out of him. He is a young dog, after all, and needs his diversions. There's nothing better to him than exploring new territory and peeing against new trees and bushes. Or at least, seldom used trees and bushes. It's going to be another bright and beautiful day today and, although it's still cold outside now, it will be nice to be out there. I'll have to wear my scarf, though.

I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee. He did the groceries earlier this week, bless his heart. I was almost out of everything, especially the milk. It's sad to look in the refrigerator at the end of a week after the shopping has been done. There's almost nothing in there and the cupboards are bare too. The Exfactor can only carry a week's worth of groceries on the bike and even that takes a lot of juggling and careful packing away in the bags. And well inflated tires for all the weight he carries. Which reminds me that I have to pump up my rear tire, it's a little low. I'm a star at pumping up tires, right!

I have to do chores today. I didn't do a thing yesterday, recuperating as I was from my bad mood. There's always some reason not to get your act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Easing into the evening...

It's raining hard outside and I'm glad I'm not out there. I was out there earlier walking Tyke when it was drizzling and windy and that was bad enough. I didn't wear a hat, because it makes my hair look so funny, and my head got cold, but I can handle a little bit of cold. It's not freezing outside anymore and the temperatures are much kinder now compared to what they have been. Anything seems balmy now, even if the wind is blowing hard. 

It's going to be raining and 'balmy' for the next couple of days, so I guess we're very lucky. Anything that doesn't include freezing temperatures is good. A couple of days ago, people had to scrape the frost off their windshields and the grass was covered with it. There were even icy patches on the roads and the sidewalks, but we have none of that now, thank goodness. I never liked rain as much as I do now, although there have been other seasons that I liked it well enough also.

My personal helper was here this morning and we hung up the laundry and changed the sheets on the bed. I have to have jobs to do while she is here, otherwise we just sit here and talk and this particular helper, who comes on Wednesdays, is not so very good at that. She likes to have something to do. I must think of more chores to do while she is here. 

I sent her away a little bit early, because I really wanted to take a short nap on the sofa. It seemed that I didn't get enough sleep during the night, although I slept for seven hours. I thought that was enough when I got up this morning, but I never did stop yawning and the walk with Tyke that I took at dawn didn't refresh me properly. I wasn't ready to conquer the world. 

I'm so glad that there are clean sheets on my bed. I'm looking forward to going to sleep tonight. Something very interesting will have to be on television to prevent me from going prematurely. It's ridiculous. I act like a farmer from the Dark Ages who goes to bed when his chickens roost. It's like I have no life after it gets dark and it gets dark early. No. it's not like I really mind. I have no problem with it really. I do like my schedule and am quite comfortable with it. It fits me and that's the main concern.

I must remember that the days are getting longer now and if I try very hard, I can imagine that and tell myself that I notice the difference. It does give you something to be hopeful about. You do have to look at it optimistically. January is already almost halfway over. It is going by quickly. And the days really do seem a bit longer. I must always look at the glass half full and not half empty. It's a better attitude. You must never think that things are as dire as the night is dark. Besides, the night is no enemy of mine.

God awful Sesame Street is on. I suppose that when you're a kid, it's a wonderful program to watch, but when you're an adult it's maddening. It's always on before the six o'clock news, so I always catch a glimpse of it. I can't believe I used to watch it when my kids were little. I must have been brain dead then. I think all mothers of small children are, or simple minded. I sure am glad I survived that stage in my life and that my brain started functioning again afterwards. It seems it survived undamaged, although emotionally it took me some time to get over it. It did teach me to have infinite amounts of patience with a lot of things. I don't know if that's a good character trait, however. 

I've already been watching the news during the day, so there's probably not much news there for me to watch. I may as well wait for the eight o'clock news, which will be more comprehensive. Today is the commemorative of the earthquake in Haiti and there are a lot of questions about where all the money went that was donated. Different explanations are given, but it seems that country is difficult to help back on its feet, because it wasn't on its feet before. There was an enormous amount of poverty and corruption and there is even more now. 

I won't get bogged down in a discussion about that. I could have many similar discussions. There's injustice all over the world. 

There are rivers in the Netherlands overflowing their banks. It is not the disaster it could be, because we're well prepared. Where it is possible, temporary walls are built to hold back the water. In other places, land is being allowed to flood. The situation is much worse in Queensland where they really have problems. We watch what is happening in Brisbane with bated breath. 

Well, so much for my thoughts this evening, They did go all over the place. I must have had a lot on my mind. That's what happens if you watch the news a lot. 

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Slowly but surely...

My coffee tastes very good this morning and I can't get enough of it. It is making me as perky as a butterfly on a sunny spring day. Well, you can see where my thoughts are. They are certainly not stuck in the wintertime. They long for another season. Because it's January I do dare to long for the springtime. I look forward to it as something that's going to happen in the not too unforeseeable future. I am an optimist, no matter what the weather is still going to bring us. Which will be rain this weekend and that is a heck of a lot better than snow or sleet. 

I even dared sleep with my bedroom window open last night. That's because it really wasn't that cold outside. Cold is all very relative. It just depends on what you've gotten used to. It's no longer freezing, so any kind of temperature is nice. It feels healthier to sleep with the window open, all that fresh air must be good for something. I imagine it's better for my braincells. I will have better dreams because of it, though I don't really remember the ones I had last night. They must not have been that impressive.

I ate carrots and peas for dinner last night and they were so good that I ate my fill of them. I was truly full when I had to stop eating and I had to give the last of the carrots to Tyke who devoured them with a lot of appetite. I had forgotten how much fun it was to eat a big spoonful of peas. To really stuff your mouth with them and slowly chew them. It was heavenly. I have more left for tonight and it's something to look forward to. It's the little pleasures in life that make it fun. Peas and carrots can make you very happy. 

I watched a Dutch police series and it was as bad as they always are. A lot of drama and action and very little substance. I don't know why I bother, except that this one is filmed locally so it is interesting to see all the familiar places. The only problem is that nobody in the series speaks with a local accent, because they all come from the west of the country and that does make it lose some of its credibility. I don't know if that holds true for British series as well. 

I didn't go to bed too late last night. There was nothing else on television that I wanted to watch, as is usual for Friday nights. I can't get excited about many of the programs that are on, but that's why the television has an off button. I won't sit there and mindlessly watch whatever is on. I'm not hooked on it. 

Today is Saturday and the first official day of the weekend, although it really started yesterday afternoon after the domestic help left. I'm looking forward to the lazy days that are ahead of me. I will hang out in my bathrobe for a while this morning and be slow to get the show on the road. There is no time clock to punch and nobody will show up here. I get to have my privacy all to myself. 

There will be speed skating on today and I will watch that. Our best skater is not competing, so now it's up to the other guys. They will get a chance to prove their worth. They're up against some tough competition. They're skating the 10K today and that's a tough race. I'm curious to see how well we will do. It will be a relaxing way to spend the afternoon, for me at any rate. Not for them.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't singing the blues now...

It's too early in the morning to sing the blues. Besides, who sings the blues in the morning? Nobody in their right mind would, would they? The morning is still full of promise of things to come. The day is unfathomable and can't be measured until the end of it.  The possibilities are endless, at least, so I tell myself. But then I'm an optimist and I very much do see the glass half full. Except when it's full of ice cold milk and I've been drinking it, but in that case it's quickly filled again. 

Yesterday morning I was at first grumpy when I got up out of bed and thought the day would be endless and boring, but a cup of coffee helped get me over my initial dislike of the day and the day itself got me over my wariness of it. There were enough diversions to make it a worthwhile day and one that was enjoyable, although nothing very special happened at all. It was just ordinary life taking place, but that was good enough. Ordinary life can be very satisfying if you stop and appreciate the little things and are grateful for them. 

Like walking through the snow that is slowly melting, but that is still deep to the point that I sink into it and that makes Tyke have an awful lot of fun. He's hard to move from one place to the next, because apparently many interesting things hide under the snow and he has to investigate them all and finally pee on them. That outing is a whole adventure by itself. 

It's made better now by the new boots I ordered with a much better profile in the soles and that arrived yesterday. I tried them on immediately and much to my relief they fit. I ordered them one size smaller, because on the website it had said that they were a bit large for their size. When I wore them in the snow and on the ice, I was a lot steadier and didn't slip once. I'm still a bit scared, but I'm sure I'll gain confidence with experience. I'm so used to almost falling over, that I can't believe that now I'm not.

I got a huge pile of mail from the mailbox, but when I sat down and looked through everything, most of it turned out to be unimportant, regardless of the seriousness of the sender. It all looked very official, but turned out to be so many storms in glasses of water and I soon had it reduced to a pile of recyclable paper. There was not one bill in there and that certainly made me feel good. There were a couple of Christmas cards which made me feel even better. I considered all of that a piece of good luck.

I slowly got chores done, although I have some left to do today. I have very clean laundry to hang up and another load to wash. I must do the dishes, but first I have to find some interesting clothes to wear. I hope something magically appears from the closet. If not, I'll have to go in search of it. This will not be a problem, as I'm bound to find something I like. The only thing to worry about is to dress warm enough. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and I will send him to the tobacco shop, although I still have a bit of a supply. It's better to be safe and have extra over the holidays. It's New Year's Eve and tomorrow the stores will be closed. Tonight at midnight the whole town will set off fireworks and there will be no going to sleep until 1 am. That's how long it takes for the whole spectacle to end. It would be impossible to sleep through the noise, much as I'd like to.

I wish you a Happy New Year and all the best wishes for 2011. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the nighttime...

I've walked Tyke for the last time and I really should put on my pajamas and bathrobe now, but I like my outfit so well that I think I will keep it on a little longer and on top of that, it is very comfortable and I also like to think that a stranger may come upon me now and be completely smitten by me. Right! I am even wearing earrings that match my clothes and I bought those along with another two pair this morning and apparently I'm not allergic to them, because I haven't started to itch yet. It didn't say hypo-allergenic on the label or anything, so I took a chance. I took great care in choosing them, because there were a lot of earrings that were, shall we say, cheap looking and I didn't want them. I do have my standards. 

There were bins with sale items going at ridiculously low prices and I got a gray scarf, a lavender camisole, a multi-colored top to go over it and a leather wallet that's bright red. On the way to the check out stand, I added two chocolate bars, because I was hungry. 

I had a lot of fun, when I got home, cleaning out my old wallet, and putting all the loose change in a jar. There were many odd bits of paper that I threw out and old business cards that I had no use for. I put all the good stuff and the pictures of my kids and grandson in my new wallet and was much pleased. Now I don't have to be embarrassed when I pull out my wallet in the store. The old one was worn and stained, but I had gotten so used to its decrepit state that I hardly noticed it. Until I saw that nice red wallet. I put my California driver's license in the place where my Dutch one would go if I had one. For sentimental reasons and to remind me that I once also drove a car. It shows nicely through the clear plastic window. 

I put on the lavender camisole and put the thin multicolored top over it. It matched well. Then I took my purple light weight long sleeved cardigan and put that on and had an ensemble along with my black harem pants and the lavender earrings. I always think of thick knitted things when I say cardigan, but I don't know what you call thin light weight things that have long sleeves and are open in the front. Is there a name for them? I have several of those. 

Suitably attired, I walked Tyke and when I came home I made cigarettes and left to go to creative class. I wore the gray scarf and my black leather jacket, because it was chilly outside, though there was watery sunshine. I had an espresso when I got to the clinic and sat in the depressing smoking area with two rather depressed looking people. There are burn holes in the furniture and the strangest people walk in and out. It's not very exclusive.

In the creative room I got out the books on Henri Moore and tried to find a good photo of a sculpture that I had not done yet. It was tough to find one that I could make of clay and that was not too complicated, but I thought I finally did and went to work. After an hour and a half I gathered the whole mass of clay together and dropped it back into a big lump, because my efforts were in vain. I could not do it anymore. I was like a little kid in kindergarten and could not make anything that looked like the photo. I was very discouraged and ready to call it quits and go to work on something else. 

The therapist intervened, however, and told me to start with something very simple and work my way up from that. He said to pretend I was beginning from scratch and had never worked with clay before. He suggested I make a flat base and start building on that with strips of clay and make shapes with them and see what would come out of it. So that's what I did, but I'm afraid that I have an acute shortage of imagination and that I just don't see the possibilities. I feel so dull witted. I'm trying to penetrate to something deeper inside myself, but  there's a huge road block.

Socially it's not going well. There's a tight group of four women and one man and they are very exclusive. The other few people there don't count. They don't exist. I don't exist either, although I make every effort to be noticed. I'm completely ignored and not even greeted. They don't acknowledge my existence, not in the creative room, nor outside of it. So, I'm not going to be there for the socializing part of it. I will have to be there purely for the creative part. That has to be successful and I have to make it work. I will have to ask for all the help I can get from the therapist.

Oh, I forgot, I was only going to write about the positive things. Well, if I am smart and I look around me at what other people do and look in some art books and make some drawings, I am sure that I will come up with some ideas and all I have to do is experiment and try things out. If something doesn't work out, I just start over again. I mustn't get discouraged. And I do get to wear nice clothes, for all it is worth, but I am going to ask about that music therapy class, because I think I'm going to need it. I need a friendly environment to move in. 

It is now past midnight and I'm not ready to go to bed. I want to be in a good mood before I go. Not that I'm in an incredibly bad mood now, but I am bothered and I have to get that out of my system. It's gnawing at my soul and I have to straighten that out. I'm having a tall glass of lemonade to help me feel better. A nice sugar high is what I need. My brain will appreciate it. 

I suppose I thought I was such a friendly and likable person, that I would have no trouble making contact and that it would all go very easily. I'm surprised at the resistance I'm meeting. It does make me feel lonely and that I need to look for another place to get my social needs met. I will have to discuss this with my SPN next week. She must know of places where that can be done. A more user friendly place where people are welcoming and embracing. 

Well, I had better go to bed. It's no good discussing this endlessly. I must get some sleep. Hopefully things will look better in the morning. 

Have a good night, or rather, a good morning when you get up. 

Ciao,
Nora







 

   

The end of the day...

It is really not officially the end of the day. It is already the middle of the night, but I'll act like it is the end of the day for me, because I haven't gone to bed yet, except for a short nap earlier today. I'm not ready to go to sleep yet, because just now, at this moment, I feel that I'm relaxed enough to enjoy the peace and quiet around me and that I can organize my thoughts and not be distracted by the busy world around me. It seems that everybody within hearing distance is asleep and so are the animals. Gandhi is asleep in my armchair and Tyke's asleep on the carpet beside my chair. They are a peaceful couple. 

For the sake of vanity, I wore the wrong earrings today and now I have a swollen and bleeding ear. It is my own fault, because I knew I was taking a chance. I didn't know what material those earrings where made of and apparently they weren't nickel free. I don't even remember how I got those earrings and I found them in my jewelry drawer. Of course, I wanted to look pretty and put them in. Now it's going to take my poor ear some time to recover, but it did put me in mind to go to the store and buy some earrings that have anti-allergenic hangers. With my new haircut I want some fun earrings and I know just the style I want to get. I know which store to go look in too. There's a good clothing store not too far away from here and they may just have what I'm looking for. It's just a five minute ride on my bike from here. 

Creative class went fine, except that I had to redo my sculpture, because the proportions were wrong. This was pointed out to me by the therapist who was watching me from a little distance. He very diplomatically told me, but I can handle that. I was more than willing to redo it rather than end up with a baked sculpture that was out of proportion and that I would be embarrassed about. I cut off the lower half and redid it and it did look better afterwards. It is tough making a sculpture on your own without an example and for the next one I´m using Henri Moore again. 

I think the other people think I´m a lady and that I´m not approachable. One even addressed me as Ma´am. They mistake my shyness for aloofness and think because I´m dressed well, I´m not one of them. And, of course, I don´t speak dialect. I did strike up a conversation with the gentleman across from me, but it petered out. He seemed very civilized, but I can´t seem to make contact. I´m going to try my best again on Wednesday. I can´t be having doubts about myself now. I have to act like I´m okay. 

I have to act like everything is okay in my life and only concentrate on the positive things, no matter how small and insignificant they are. Earrings, clothes, boots, the animals, drinking coffee. Especially the things I have some control over, like how I look. The minute I start losing control over that, I know I will be in trouble. I have to make the small things be alright and make them count. They have to be important to make me feel secure and in charge. That´s why I write about them so much. I don´t want to write about the things that are not alright. I think it´s better not to dwell on them. That´s the conclusion I have come to after some thought. So I will only write about these small insignificant things for a while. 

The colors of my outfit yesterday were red and gray, just like my interior. I felt very colorful and bright. I was dressed warm enough for the cold day and on the way home from creative class it rained just a little bit. I barely got wet and when I got home, I didn´t even have to dry off my hair with a towel. Tyke didn´t hear me come in, so I found out where he slept while I was gone. He was lying down in the rattan chair in my bedroom on top of my green scarf. I always suspected that he slept in the bedroom, but it´s kind of endearing that he slept on something that belonged to me. It´s got the smell of my perfume in it and that probably made him feel secure. 

I´ve got to go to bed. A person does have to get some sleep some time. It´s a small inconvenience. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora