The next day...

It just turned into the next day and I can forget about yesterday which was a boring day as Thursdays usually are. They are because I normally don't have anything planned on Thursday. That is silly of me and unforgiveable and there is no real reason for it. Why should Thursday be an empty day, for god's sake? There is the weekend ahead of me with enough spare time to do as I wish and I don't need an empty day during the week.

I was trying to change this by signing up for a creative therapy class for psychiatric patients. I had an appointment there earlier in the week. I checked it out but it was a dismall place and not something I want to go to once a week. It looked like the place you go to when there's nowhere else left to go. Because of budget cuts, the best part time therapy facilities have become beyond my reach. We have this government a lot to thank for. 

Not to get stuck on a downward note, let's talk about something completely different. And what would that be? I don't know yet but I'll come up with something. 

I'm sitting here in my red bathrobe drinking a cup of coffee from the most excellent coffeemaker. I'm more than wide awake enough and really should switch to a glass of cold milk now because I'm very thirsty. The cold milk will give me an alternative mood that will be completely different from the one that is caused by the coffee. That's the way it is. Different beverages cause different realities. I need the caffeine to make me alert and I need the cold milk to make me mellow.

It's amazing what a beverage can do, isn't it?

I'm relieved that today is Friday. It means that I've nearly completed another week and that I'm ready for the weekend. I would like to spend it sleeping, although I think that's not going to be possible. I don't think I have that much sleep in me now, not like I did earlier in the week. 

The Exfactor and the domestic help will be here today so I will have some company of the agreeable kind. Well, I usually do anyway. There's no disagreeable company here ever. 

I'm getting awfully sleepy and am going to have to go back to bed. The cold milk has made me very mellow and there are some hours left to sleep before it's morning.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Sometimes no change is no good...

I woke up with a headache and I've still got it so I've just taken a paracetamol. Hopefully it will start to work shortly. This is the same headache that I've been battling almost non stop for the past 12 days. I did have one day of relief when I thought it was gone but it seems I was mistaken. It was only a temporary absence of the worst pain. I was too much of an optimist like I have a tendency to be. 

I do have an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I hope he can give me some medicine to cure it. Actually, I hope he will tell me that I've got a bug and give me an anitbiotic. Having a headache all the time is tiring. I wake up with it and go to bed with it. The novelty has worn off by now. 

Other than that I'm in a good enough mood because today the spare bedroom gets cleaned out. I'm looking forward to that very much and can't wait for the job to be done. It will mean that I'll have some cleaning to do but hopefully my domestic help will be able to pitch in tomorrow. I know the floor is going to need a lot of cleaning and it's rather dusty in there, so it's going to need a bit of elbow grease. 

I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk and it sure is making me feel good. I was very thristy and the coffee had made me more so. The milk makes me feel cold, that's true, but it soothes my stomach and makes my head feel better. The coldness helps the pain. There's probably something to be said for putting an ice bag on your head when you're having a headache. Unfortunately I have no such thing and no ice cubes. The ice cube tray got a big split in it and I threw it away. I have yet to buy a new one.

I'm sitting here in my warm bathrobe which needs to be washed again and I will put it in with the next load of laundry. This bathrobe does take a beating because I hang out in it so much. I spill things on it and wipe my hands on it and basically treat it badly. It's a very comfortable piece of clothing and I'm very fond of it. I hope I'll have it for a long time even though it's too big on me. Maybe that's the comfort of it. It has two big pockets in which I put a multitude of things and every once in a while I clean them out. At least I always have a tissue handy. 

I'm starting to yawn and need to think about going back to bed. It's with some reluctance that I do that because I'm not nearly ready to go. I like sitting here too much in the cozy semi darkness and I've just poured myself another glass of milk. I do want to finish it first and smoke another cigarette. 

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Irene

Taking naps...

Since I've quit smoking, my life consists of taking many naps. I nap all the time, during the daytime as well as during the nighttime. Whenever I am bored and I think I may be sitting in my armchair with too much time on my hands, I decide to take a nap. This takes away the chance to feel the desire to smoke. 

I very cozily get under the duvet and fall asleep and have my very intricate and lively dreams for about an hour or two. Very often the dog wakes me up because he's bored and I very happily get up again. I'm never in a bad mood when I do. I know that whenever I want to, I can go back to bed. As long as I take care of my responsibilities in between naps there's no problem.

I like this way of life and it's a greeing with me very well. I know it's just a temporary life style and that it's not going to last forever. It's a solution to a minor problem and that problem will disappear as I get used to be a non smoker and I'm getting used to that more and more each day. The trick is to keep myself occupied and that I'm not always able to do, especially not on the weekends like now. 

I have started to eat more, but I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had actually lost a kilo. Apparently I'm not eating the wrong foods. I do have a hunkering for fried eggs and eat those a lot, but I don't eat any bread with them. I eat them plain without anything else. I fry them in sunflower oil, not in butter. I thought that might be healthtier, although butter tastes better. 

I also like slices of dense breakfast cake which is nourishing and filling but low in calories. I slather diet margarine on them. I can eat two slices of them at the time which is quite an improvement to how many I used to be able to eat. My stomach is treating me better. I can eat more with less problems. I think the medication is working well. 

Tomorrow ordinary life resumes when my personal helper and the domestic help will be here. I won't be able to take as many naps then. They haven't seen the latest changes in the apartment and I'm curious how they will react to them. Actually, I wish I could do more. I would like to redecorate all the time. I think it's my natural calling. 

As I sit here, I'm looking at a very nice framed glicee print that I got from an English artist that has all the colors of my decor in it. That turned out to be purely by accident and I just got lucky. I have it standing on my desk instead of the printer that I didn't have installed and that I never used. I figured that I'd rather look at a piece of art than at an ugly printer.The eye wants something too.

The image that is at the top of this post is not the one I have but is one of hers anyway. Her name was Tessa Edwards and she passed away last year.I'm sure if you google her you will be able to find more information about her and maybe even find out if you can still buy her art. 

I've got to get something to eat. They will be eggs no doubt, if there are any left. Maybe I will eat Parmesan noodles. That's a novel idea. Hmmm...

Ciao,

Nora

Good moods...

The day is early and I'm enjoying my cups of coffee. I've even already had some breakfast because I've discovered that coffee agrees better with me if it lands on a layer of food. It's a good idea to eat anyway because I think I'm a much happier camper for it, although I'm usually in a good mood in the morning. I don't sit here in short supply of good spirits. Even if the weather is bad like it is now, I still feel cheerful enough. 

Maybe that is because the dog is sound asleep and apparently not in need of a walk yet. I don't have to worry about getting dressed and going out there. I can sit here and take my sweet old time. The coffee tastes all the better for it and so do my cigarettes and while I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, I do want to enjoy the small pleasures in life. 

I want to say, thenk goodness that it's Friday and that the weekend is coming up, but I didn't enjoy the last weekend at all and I don't know why I should be happy about it. It must be an old habit that is hard to break. 

I am in a way looking forward to the laziness of the weekend and to the TV programs that I'll watch which are always more interesting than they are during the week. I always get some chores done too, so the weekends do have some function and depth. It's not as if they are complete wastes of time. 

Today the Exfactor will be here if the weather does not prevent him from riding his bike over. He will have to take his chance between showers. He does have proper rain gear and he's a pretty tough customer who's not afraid of getting a little wet. Still, I would not wish for him to get drenched in one of the heavy showers that sometimes come down.

The domestic help will be here too, cleaning the apartment well enough so that I will only have some other chores left to do such as laundry and changing the bed and doing the dishes. It's great when somebody else does the tough jobs that can cause so much frustration. This domestic help is very cheerful and often sings while she works. It does set the proper tone. 

I've got to hop in the shower and get ready. It has stopped raining and the weather looks better right now. I've got to take my chance and walk the dog. 

Have a nice day all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making good use of my time...

I'm certainly not doing it with sleeping like I should be. Apparently that's too novel of an idea for me to consider during the night. God forbid that I should be in bed sleeping like ordinary people. Instead I sit here behind the computer and have a splendid time amusing myself with all sorts of things. Most of which are unnecessary, I might add. I'm not filling my time very usefully at all, but then that's not why I'm up. I'm up for the sheer pleasure of it. I'm just indulging myself at this pont.

The best way to slow down. and get myself ready to go back to bed, is to write a post and drink a glass of ice cold milk. That sets the tone as a rule. By that time I can take my morning dose of medicines and sleep as late as I want. I usually have the weirdest dreams when I sleep then. They are full of symbolism about my past and present situations. To me falls the job of interpreting them. I do a fairly decent job of that, although I would like to discuss them with a really insightful person to gain some more wisdom.

It's not very cold inside in the middle of the night and it's enough to sit here in my bathrobe without the heater turned on. My socks keep my feet warm. I do get colder from drinking the milk, but that only makes me look forward to getting under the warm duvet. I still have the windows of both the bedrooms open and they keep the apartment aired out. There's nothing like inhaling fresh nighttime air while you're asleep. That's ignoring any air polution, of course, because I'm sure there's some of that. 

Today I have to do chores. I have been neglecting them also. It seems I had a couple of days that I didn't do so many things. They were downcast days during which I didn't function so well. I guess everybody gets days like that when they have to get caught up again later. I have a big stack of dishes to do and somehow I have let them get out of hand. It will be a pleasure to scrub them clean. I want to be all caught up with the laundry by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here then and the place must be picked up. 

I must get back to bed now. I need to get the rest of my sleep. The cold milk has also made my stomach protest so I've had enough of it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

A thunderstorm and a cup of coffee...

Thunder and lightning are heaving across the nighttime sky. Rain is pouring down hard. I am sat quite cozily inside and am only a bit worried about the elements that are playing their parts right over the top of the apartment. It is a little bit frightening when you see the sky light up and hear the loud crack of the thunder and how it then continues to rumble across the sky. 

I suppose it makes me feel vulnerable. I'll feel better once the storm has moved on. At least I'm not as bad as my paternal grandmother who, I was told, moved under the dining table when there was a thunderstorm. I can imagine her doing this because she was a small, nervous woman who was easily scared of things. 

A dining table seems like a good place to hide under. They were sturdily built in those days. Nothing like those flimsy things we have now.

I can pretend nothing is the matter and sit here and drink my cup of coffee and for the dog's sake stay very calm because he is a bit scared. The coffee tastes very nice too. It's giving me nerves of steel.

The dog got his vaccinations today. He had not been to the vet in a long time and for some reason he was very much impressed this time. He stuck close to me and eyed the vet suspiciously. He was certainly well behaved and giving him his shot was no problem, but it was funny to see him so very much on guard and subdued. He wanted to make friends with the vet, but wasn't too sure how to go about it.

As soon as we were outside, he was his old self again, but the memory of how he was in there will stay with me for a while. It was a side of him that I had not seen before and in a way it was very endearing and made me love him all the more. He had counted on me for a good outcome. We had ourselves a good bonding ritual when we got home. 

In my present mood, I was a bit bored with the day. I had to stay home because of the domestic help and took a nap while she was here because I didn't know what else to do and the nap was welcome. The domestic help gets to play house while I sleep and she always makes some changes for me to discover. I think that is endearing too because it shows she cares. 

I'm going back to bed now and I hope I sleep for a long time and am not up early like I was yesterday because it makes the day last too long. I don't know what to do with myself so early in the morning. Nobody needs me at that time. The phone better not ring before I'm ready to get up. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Midnight thoughts...

I was sound asleep lying on my back, but I got a major wet burp all the way up into my nose and it tasted very bad. It nearly choked me and woke me up very quickly. I don't know why I have these weird things happening to me, but I blame it on my gastric band and the glass of milk I had before I went to sleep. It tasted good going down, but I can't say the same thing about it coming up. 

Needless to say, I was wide awake after that and ready to get up. Any excuse will do, really. I don't need much convincing to get up out of bed in the middle of the night. It's my pleasure completely. Luckily, it's not cold in the apartment and I'm wearing warm enough pajamas and socks, so I'm very comfortable.

The reason I was wearing socks to bed was because I had rubbed that good smelling lotion on my feet again after not having done so for a while. I had not quite made it a habit yet and as a result had gotten rough feet again. The lotion softens your feet very quickly and does your hands at the same time. It has a delicious scent that lasts for a long time and I can still smell it on my hands now.

I put clean sheets on the bed and had looked forward to going to sleep very much. I think I must not have been tired enough to have woken up so easily, though I didn't take a nap in the afternoon because I spent it with my sister and her friend. I slept late in the morning and only reluctantly got up. I had to double check to make sure I was really done sleeping so I would not be in a bad mood. 

I immediately made coffee and turned on the TV for some cultural programming. Luckily, I was still on time for that, though I watched some very boring avant garde music being played. I know you're supposed to like that, but I didn't. The musicians put in a lot of effort for some very uninteresting music. The body language was there and so were the facial expressions, but the product was a flop. You can't win them all. 

I put on my harem pants, but realized later on in the day that they don't show at all how skinny I am now, so I'm not going to wear them any more. I'm only going to wear my skinny jeans from now on and I have three pairs of them. There's always at least one clean pair. The harem pants have gotten way to big on me, although they are very comfortable to wear. I do have other choices of things to wear. The harem pants are going on the stack of obsolete clothes. The steadily growing stack. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk now and any moment my frontal lobe is going to freeze up and I won't be able to think straight. At least I'm not quite getting an ice cream headache. It does make me quite giddy, all that cold milk. I can never get enough of it. The first glass is empty in no time at all, but you must think of all the nighttime snacks I don't eat because of it. I would have to eat chocolates or something to get the same amount of satisfaction. Belgian bonbons would taste real good now. Instead I'll have another glass of milk. 

I'm not at all going to worry about tomorrow when the personal helper and the domestic help are going to be here. Or when my SPN is going to call me at 9 o'clock in the morning and I have to be coherent. I'll have to set the alarm clock for that so I'll at least have had a cup of coffee. It may be difficult to get up, but I'll have to manage it somehow. I hope I won't be grumpy. 

I was quite organized and even remembered to put out the trash. I've also got all the laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. If I do another load tomorrow, I will be able to hang it outside. That is, if I'm that ambitious and go looking for laundry. 

I think I'll go back to bed now. I've rattled on long enough about nothing important at all. There are enough hours left to get some sleep. Bed is still an inviting place to go to. I just hope the milk doesn't back up into my nose again. 

Have a good morning when you get up. I hope you'll have good weather and I leave that open to your interpretation, 

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Ain't it wonderful?

Today is actually Saturday and the first day of the weekend which I love so much. I can't begin to tell you why I do. It would turn into an endlessly boring story, but I do like the two days off from most of my responsibilities, few as they are and mostly imagined. I have 'during the week stress syndrome'. I always feel under a lot of pressure and it disappears over the weekend. 

I always felt that I had to be sick in order to get out from under the stress that I felt and used to get many mysterious cases of the flu. Headaches, sore throats, stomachaches. Now that I know better, I don't get these aches and pains anymore, except on rare occasions. I can honestly say that I'm actually physically a very healthy person when I didn't think I was before. 

I do still get backaches, but I think those have to do with posture and weak spots in my back. Being away from the computer and taking a good walk help take care of them. Having lost all the weight has also helped tremendously. I do very often have a sore spot halfway up my back, but that's due to the mild case of scoliosis. Sitting very upright helps and taking pain medication on occasion is also helpful. 

That goes to show you how mental stress can translate itself into physical ailments. You need to take care of yourself mentally in order to take care of yourself physically. I used to get an inflamed esophagus regularly and I never do now. My stomach used to be literally tied up in knots and make me feel sick to the point of vomiting. 

Anyway, it is Saturday and I can relax and enjoy the day which will end with an episode of 'Wallander' on TV tonight. It will be on late, so hopefully I will not be too sleepy and have the energy to stay up to watch it. It is on past my bedtime and I may be tempted to go to sleep. But then I would miss out on listening to all that wonderful Swedish, so I do really have to give it my best try and stay up.

Yesterday went by fine. A domestic help was here, but it still wasn't my regular one whose whereabouts are a mystery to me. The girl that was here instead was a part time worker who was really a student at the university, so capable of carrying on an intelligent conversation. She had coffee with the Exfactor and me when he showed up to do some shopping for me. 

The dog thought the domestic help had come especially for him and spent a lot of time bonding with her and by the time she left he was best friends with her. He does like all this company we get and he especially likes the fact that they're all cuddly women who take the time to pet him. He can't get up close and personal enough. He likes everybody. 

I finally had the courage to open up all my mail and was glad to find out that I could dismiss most of it. A lot of it went straight into the recycling box. Today I have to check the mailbox again because I haven't checked it in a few days not being in the right frame of mind to do it. I don't get mail every day and I have a sticker on my mail slot that prohibits junk mail. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of adverts as well as regular mail.

I checked the TV guide and found out that the daily exercise program is on at 8:45 in the morning. Unfortunately, that's when I'm asleep. I thought I needed the exercise to get rid of some excess fat and to tone some muscles. I have to figure out a way to do this. I know the exercise program is good because I've watched it a few times. 

I suppose I could set the alarm clock, but I don't know if I'm that much of a hero. I would be awfully grouchy if I was woken up by it and I wouldn't have had enough sleep. It's a real dilemma. I would probably shut off the alarm clock and roll over and go back to sleep. 

I have to stop eating vanilla pudding even though I only eat one bowl of it a day. I've got to switch to another kind of sensible and healthy food. I was thinking of whole meal rusk toast with cheese. As long as I feel that I've eaten something substantial. The vanilla pudding tastes great, but it probably has too many calories in it. It tastes too good to be true. 

Well, it's time for me to go back to sleep. I've been drinking cold milk and am sufficiently chilled to want to get back under the warm duvet. The dog's just been out back for a piddle, so he's all set for now. 

I hope you all have a great day. Enjoy your weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Acceptance...

The coffeemaker is brewing a pot of coffee to which I'm looking forward very much. It is spitting the last drops of water into the filter and I will be able to fill my cup in just a second. It will be most satisfactory to drink because I just had a cup of heated up coffee and it wasn't so very good. I knew it wasn't going to be, but I had it anyway. I was too discombobulated when I first got up to make a proper pot. 

I didn't hear the first birds start to sing, but now I'm listening to the latecomers. They don't sound nearly as enthusiastic, as if they're just putting in their time. It all sounds rather halfhearted. The first birds really make a concert of it and are jubilant. They sound like a hallelujah choir that greets the day wholeheartedly. 

Thank god today is Friday. All I have left to do are the dishes and to hang up the clean laundry. Those are not unsurmountable chores. They are within reason. The bed's been changed and I had the pleasure of sleeping under clean sheets last night. That was after I watched 'A Touch of Frost' which was on late.

It was a satisfactory episode and nothing too complicated, although it did have a twist that I didn't figure out until the last minute, but then again, I'm not a big sleuth and do like to be surprised. It was a good old fashioned thriller. The kind that makes you want to have cheese and crackers and a good glass of wine while you watch it. 

I've accepted the fact that I've had to increase my medication after having decreased it not too long ago. It seems that I don't do well enough on a lesser amount in the long run. I can see the sense of that and I hope my psychiatrist can see it also. I have to write him an email about it today. 

It's always nice to try and do with less and for a while it seemed to work, but this is the second time in a few weeks that I've gotten into trouble and I think that's too often. I become dysphoric and it is highly uncomfortable. I don't think that's the way I'm supposed to exist. It's supposed to be easier than that. 

I'm having a lovely glass of cold milk now and very nice it tastes too. I'd had enough coffee. It really only takes two cups to get me in the right state of mind as a rule. I'm going to do my chores before I go back to bed for some more sleep. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time before she gets here. I do need to come to my senses before she walks in. 

There's not going to be an exciting thriller on this evening. There will be a Belgian police series on and they are as bad as the Dutch ones. They don't compare to the British thrillers. Then there's going to be 'The Music Fest on the Square.' That's all Dutch music and that's about as bad as it sounds. It doesn't suit my taste, but a certain segment of the population seems to really enjoy it. 

Right, I'm off. Have a great day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Nothing but coffee...

It's in the middle of the night and nothing but this cup of coffee I just poured is going to set my head straight. It tastes good even though I used the ground coffee sparingly. I'm starting to run out and the Exfactor won't be here to do the groceries until tomorrow which is a day late. He didn't inform me of this until after he had gone to the store on Friday. I'm also almost out of milk so I have to be very frugal. I will miss my tall glasses of cold milk very much. 

The good part is that the laxative tea I drank this afternoon just worked and I unloaded a small dump truck full. What a relief to be finally able to go. I want to shout it from the rooftops and hang out the flag. That goes to show you what simple pleasures there can be in middle aged life. Such events take on enormous importance and can't be overrated. 

Yesterday I was in a grumpy mood. That may partly have been because I was woken up in the morning by my personal helper and never got the chance to properly come to my senses. She expected me to be immediately talkative, while I needed some peace and quiet and several cups of coffee. 

I do need the time to myself in the morning and can't immediately be sociable. It takes me a while to pull myself together and become a semblance of a human being. Quiet time first thing when I wake up is very important. Needless to say, I was not able to carry on a conversation in the state I found myself in and never did get my act together properly. 

After my personal helper left, the domestic help showed up and she wanted to be sociable as well. This caused me to have to be more friendly than I felt. I didn't feel sociable at all. I did my best, but finally withdrew to the bedroom where I fell sound asleep on the bed with the dog. Falling asleep is my reaction to stress. 

It makes me appreciate the time on my own all the more. If I could always choose when I saw people it wouldn't be as bad, but that's not always the case. They do come whether or not I'm ready for them. I'm not in charge of my agenda. 

Today I have a day off from social obligations. I have no appointments like I often do on Tuesdays. The day will be mine to spend as I wish. There will be no intrusions. 

I'm going to start by going back to bed and finishing sleeping for as long as I can. At least I know I won't be woken up prematurely. It will be a wonderful thing. I like only having to deal with the animals when I wake up. They are enough company for me. A few words and a few cuddles are all that they need. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The charm of the season...

Today it's supposed to be 34C with the occasional thunderstorm. It will feel like it is 98F. That's more than hot enough for me because it will be humid too. Tomorrow the temperatures will be normal again and it will rain. I'm kind of happy about that because I like cool weather. 

I have to go see my SPN at 1 pm today and I will have to ride my bike in the hot sun. I'm not looking forward to that and am expecting exercise induced asthma which I often get when the weather is hot. It's really not a disaster. More of an inconvenience. It makes riding my bike uphill more difficult. 

I haven't seen my SPN for 4 weeks and have done fine without her. That goes to show you that I manage quite well on my own. I'm not as dependent as I thought I was some time ago. It will be good to see her, but I don't have much to discuss. My life has been very uneventful. I choose to have it that way. 

Yesterday the Exfactor was here a day early to do the groceries. I had asked him to because I was out of milk and vanilla pudding and cat food. He was here at the same time my personal helper was and it created some diversion which was good. I don't always know what to do with my personal helper so it was good that someone else was here for a while. 

The domestic help was here in the afternoon and did a thorough job of cleaning the apartment. I laid down for my afternoon nap when she was almost finished, thus avoiding a long drawn out session with cups of coffee and cigarettes. But I was really tired too and needed to lie down. I was emotionally tired. Sometimes I think it takes a lot of effort to keep everything as normal as possible. 

The early birds have started to sing. It means I have to go back to bed for a while. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

A repeat performance...

It's in the middle of the night of Thursday going on Friday. Actually, it's officially Friday already, so I will stick to that. It's a much more optimistic point of view. The fact is that I like it being Friday instead of Thursday because it's almost the weekend. I will do a few chores in the morning before the domestic help gets here and then I will be home free. And then, ha ha (laughing wickedly), I will have the weekend all to myself to do with as I please. 

No doubt I'll fill it with all sorts of interesting things to do such as take naps and watch TV and walk the dog and sit and meditate in my armchair. That is if everything goes well. If I can sustain the mood I'm in. That's the crucial ingredient. I must be well tempered. That means keeping my mood as balanced as I can get.

At least I can treat myself to a pleasant night sat behind the computer with a nice cup of coffee. That's one way to get into a good mood. Nobody can take that away from me. I will have the agreeable experience of it and I'm enjoying that a lot. 

There's no real reason why I should enjoy it this night more than others, because I do enjoy them regularly anyway. Except last night when I was in a minor mood and nothing came of writing a post, but there have to be exceptions to the rule.

There's no need to over analyze this. Everybody has their ups and downs and I'm no different. Some nights you are full of goodwill and some nights you had better go back to bed, even if it means having a somewhat sleepless night until the morning when you properly fall asleep. 

It's with some amount of contentment that I sit here now and write down whatever enters my head, although I do try to make rhyme and reason of it. I don't want to sound completely like a ship set adrift. I do want to make some sense. 

No doubt the coffee is keeping me on the straight and narrow. It does have the tendency to keep my mind focused. At least it prevents me from drifting away from the subject at hand too much. 

But what was the subject at hand? It seems to me that I had not quite chosen one. I think I was just rambling on in a general sort of way and was not really focused on anything in specific. Maybe it's impossible for me to do that right now. There's nothing really pressing on my mind.

All I know is that I have to do the dishes this morning and do a load of laundry and dry it outside on the clothes lines. That will give me a good reason to change the bed again tonight and I can't do that often enough for my taste. The weather is going to be beautiful today and there will be no excuse not to hang the laundry outside. It should be dry in no time because it will be most pleasant out there.

Those are the calls of duty which I'm at liberty to ignore right now because it's not the right time to give heed to them. I've got some sleeping left to do first. It's with some reluctance that I'm going to go back to bed because I'm not nearly ready to. 

It's too bad that reality always creeps into your middle of the night musings. It's that sense of responsibility that calls you back to order. It's too bad that it's so exaggerated. I wish I had a little less of it. 

If you're still up, I hope you're having a good evening. If you're asleep, I hope you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

If I go slowly, I will surely get there...

If I start writing this post slowly now and take my time, it will be tomorrow by the time I'm done. All I have to do is not be in a rush and I really do think that's the most comfortable way to write anyway. Since I seldom consciously allow myself that luxury, I will take full advantage of it and go as slowly as I can. I will even repeat myself if that is necessary to prolong the process. In the meantime, I will make myself some coffee to make the whole experience as holistic as possible. 

I should find some food to eat too, but I will postpone that for a while. It is hard to eat and write at the same time, besides that, you get crumbs in the keyboard. My domestic help is good about getting those out, but I'm afraid that in her enthusiasm she will one day shake loose the keys. 

I have already slept, having gone to bed early, but it was inevitable that I'd wake up again after a few hours. I will go back to sleep eventually, but not until I've gone through the lengthy process of getting into the proper mood again. I've got to get to the point that I'll look forward to going to bed and that it's the only place where I want to be. Luckily, I'm already yawning, so hopefully it won't take too long. 

I stood by the back door a while ago to let out the dog and inhaled the fresh night air and now the smell of it is embedded in my system. It's like it's penetrated my pajamas because I keep smelling it, but I'm sure it's just my imagination. It's  as if I've got freshly laundered clothes on and I've been washed in spring rain. It's very pleasant and all I can think is that it must be an imaginary olfactory experience I'm having.  I'm sure I don't really smell like this. And by the way, no washing powder or shower gel comes close to smelling this way. 

The wind has stopped blowing so hard. It was a cold wind that was blowing from the north east and it is slowly going to start blowing from the south which will make things warmer by the weekend. I'm looking forward to that. It does mean that I can hang the laundry outside to dry because there is no rain in the forecast. Things should dry pretty quickly. 

I've got groceries in the house again because the Exfactor did them yesterday. I was completely out of milk and to me that is very serious. That means I can't drink tall glasses of it and I have to put powdered creamer in my coffee. I still had other supplies so I wasn't completely destitute. There was enough left to eat. I suppose I care most about the milk. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some ice cream, so It mustn't have been very important. I'll try to remember next time because in the middle of the night like this, I feel like having a bowl of it. 

I just had a bowl of chocolate pudding and that prevented me from getting any crumbs into the keyboard. It was very good and filling. I forgot all about having that in the refrigerator. There's nothing like sleeping on a full stomach, so I suppose I should think about going to bed. It is tomorrow now, after all. 

I hope you'll all sleep tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

Being perfectly normal early in the morning...

Being perfectly normal doesn't happen very often anymore, so I do have to give it a special mention. Besides, I don't know how long the feeling is going to last. It may be very fleeting, but I hope it is solidly settled into my psyche for the rest of the day. I certainly welcome it and am very happy with it. It's been a long time since I have felt this way. 

I never know what ingredients make up the feeling and I hope to keep getting them right as I guess at them. I'm drinking coffee and have read other people's blog posts. They were for the most part cheerful, even the ones that were more introspective. Maybe that was just the take I had on them from my own point of view which is more rose colored. 

I've had at least 5 hours of sleep, that's pretty good by my standards. I had a very nice phone conversation with my daughter last night. I think that put some weight into the balance. It was about a positive subject and one I could advise her on using all my maternal instincts which are intact and alive and well. You never do stop being good at that, do you? It doesn't matter what age you are or what age your daughter is.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today for the second time this week and I'm going to set something straight which has been bothering me very much. It's a problem I had which I've since resolved and I want to help it out of this world and never talk about it again. It's an embarrassment to me now to even think about it. I will make short shrift of it. It's a reflection of how low I can get and had gotten. 

Being sound of mind has improved my point of view of life in general and my life in specific and suddenly everything looks a lot brighter than it did. All the little details that seemed so complicated now all look resolvable. I can't say that the world's problems seem less big by comparison, but I'm less burdened by them, if only in the smallest degree. Maybe my shoulders have become a bit stronger. 

I've always remained a realist about them anyway and never did think there was an easy solution or a solution at all. It's easier to look at my own life and take care of the details there. All I can do is manage my own life well. 

It's with some amount of relief that I start the day. Feeling unburdened for the most part has improved the way I'll enter the fray. It's not much of a fray anyway. At least, I don't look at it that way. Except for some minor complications, it all seems rather simple. All I have to do is stay as honest and as upfront as I can be and do my best. With a little bit of goodwill and a continuing good outlook, I ought to be able to do that.

And I still say, thank god it's Friday. The week has lasted long enough and it has been intense enough with lots of conflicting emotions that I'm more than ready for two days of nothingness. Of only watching cultural television and walking the dog and taking naps. And worrying about nothing else but which clothes I'm going to wear depending on the weather. That's as complicated as it's going to get. That's just about the level of excitement I'm willing to handle. 

No doubt I'll find some interesting elements to add to the mixture as I go along. One thing I have thought is that maybe I'm not really enjoying the book I'm reading and that I ought to start reading a different one, although I'm always loathe to leave a book unfinished. This one is not grabbing me, though. I don't really care enough about how it's going to end and I have been uninterested in reading it. I'm two thirds of the way through it and, although I like the characters, I don't care what happens to them. So I may be looking for a different book. 

I've got to take my medicines and check my emails. It's not quite time to get the day started. It is rather early still. I'll have to do some chores because the domestic help is going to be here today and I don't want her to walk into a messy apartment. I do still have my housewifely pride. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Trying not to be too shallow...

It's the same setting as it usually is: the middle of the night and me in it with a cup of coffee and lots of silence. I wouldn't want to change anything about the formula, though it does become very repetitive as a description of my situation. I could just leave it out and not even describe it, but that does not seem right somehow. I do want to give you some idea of the circumstances I find myself writing under. I need it as a preamble to the rest of the story, although that is a very simple one. 

I spent a good deal of the day sleeping. I slept the whole morning after I went back to bed after being up half the night. I didn't get up until it was almost noon. I didn't feel bad about this and certainly didn't feel as if I had wasted half of the day. I like sleeping because I don't do enough of it at night, so whatever sleep I get in the morning is most welcome. 

I spent a long time drinking coffee before I felt I could function and get dressed and walk the dog. By that time, he was more than ready to go and his patience had worn thin. He had been out back for a piddle, but that's not the same thing as going for a walk. 

I dressed warm, because it was a cold and dreary day. I wore a double layer of clothes and my jacket and a scarf, although the last item may have een a bit overdone. I was very nice and warm anyway and not bothered in the least by the chilly wind. I had vowed not to feel cold anymore after the weather had been so beautiful, so I'm taking all these measures not to. 

Call me a spoiled Western European woman, but I don't want to be cold anymore after this winter and having felt the premature warmth of the early spring. So, when the sun didn't appear to warm up the living room through the windows, and the temperature in the apartment stayed low, I closed the bedroom window and turned on the heater even though I was also wearing my warm, woolly cardigan.

It continued to be a dreary day and later in the afternoon, being overcome by the need to hibernate, I went to bed and took a long nap. It was ever so warm and comfortable and when I got up, the apartment was a very pleasant temperature. 

I had a cup of coffee to clear the last of the sleep from my mind and ate most of a bowl of chicken soup with pasta and shared what was leftover with the dog. Later in the evening I had chocolate pudding and a tall glass of milk. 

I watched the news, which was not that uplifting as news nowadays isn't. A policeman had been shot dead with his own gun. There were wild west scenes as the gunman exchanged fire with other policemen and the gunman was wounded. Needless to say, the police will be the subject of much scrutiny. Isn't that always the way it goes. The gunman had earlier murdered a woman and was on the run. It sounds to me like he ought to be the subject of much scrutiny.

I tried to watch more television, but I really wanted to go to bed. I postponed it as long as I could, but finally just went. I laid in bed for a while listening to the radio before I turned the light off and pulled the duvet over me. I was asleep in the shortest amount of time and slept for 4 hours until I got up again.

Now I am getting sleepy again and I'm yawning. I will have to go back to bed. The domestic help is going to be here today and I have to get up on time. I can't sleep until noon. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

In the moonshine...

Frankly, I don't know if the moon is shining, but I thought I would title this post like that anyway. There's a fun Dutch nonsense song that starts of that way and it was playing through my head. It's, amongst other things, about a centipede who has to shine his shoes.

I'm up drinking coffee, but this time there's no strange dog barking and all is quiet. I went to bed early last night because I didn't want to watch the news. I saw that Qaddafi's troops were defeating the rebels and became so disgusted with that, that I very angrily shut off the television. He is bombing them into submission with his airplanes, and there is not yet a no fly zone. It p*sses me off. This came after the very bad news of the nuclear reactors in Japan and my evening of bad news was complete. I had to go to bed after that and pretend to not care anymore. 

I listened on the radio to the outcomes of the different sporting events of the weekend and the interviews with the athletes and the highlights of the games that had been played. Those are something to get lost in and to forget everything else. If nothing else, there's always sport to fall back onto and it is a world of its own. There were all round speed skating championships this weekend and the Dutch did well.

It's been a strange weekend. I didn't have the energy that I had anticipated and that I showed during the night when I was so upbeat. During the day I slept a lot and didn't get a lot done. I walked Tyke, but other than that I didn't do very much. I hardly got my chores done and took many naps. My mood wasn't all that great during the day and I had to fight off somberness and gloom. Things got better toward the evening, but then it was time to go to bed and I normally feel better at that point. 

Except during the night, I'm suffering from a mild depression. The extra medication is not doing its job yet, but then it normally takes a while before it does. It's not a matter of a few days. It slowly has to build up in your system. It's nice to pretend that you feel better, but it's not the reality and you won't be able to live up to it. 

Today the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. For some reason I'm looking forward to it. I suppose I'm looking forward to the company. I also need help doing the dishes because I've not been able to do them. They've been too much of a big job to do by myself. I kept putting them off. 

I did get dressed nicely in a cheerful outfit for all the good that did me. At least I looked presentable when I walked Tyke. It didn't cheer me up as much as I had hoped it would. I'm wearing it today and maybe I will have better results. Right now, it's the nicest outfit I've got. 

I think I will go back to bed now. I've got some sleep left in me yet. It will be nice to lie there and listen to the radio. It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. 

Have a good morning when you wake up.

Ciao,

Nora

What a life...

The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.

It's terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don't even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can't go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 

I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there's nobody else around to do it. It's a one woman operation, although I guess when you're surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they're not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.

Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.

I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don't you wish you could pick your scenery? 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Don't listen to the blues...

I'm unable to sleep, though I slept for two hours, but that's not very much in the scheme of things. I knew ahead of time that I wasn't going to be very successful when I went to bed last night. I wasn't tired enough and the only thing that put me to sleep was my 'falling asleep' pill. When it stopped working, I was wide awake again. There was nothing for me to do but to get up and install myself behind the computer and try again later. I really need a 'sleep through the night' pill, but I'm afraid I would get hooked on it and that would mean another medicine to wean myself off. Besides, I'm sure it would leave me very groggy in the mornings and that's not what I want to be.

I'll have to find ways to amuse myself while I'm up, though I think finding blog templates is not one of them. I think I've changed those often enough and I've changed the names of my blogs often enough too. I'll have to think of something else to do. I can't imagine yet what that will be and that leaves me feeling somewhat desperate. I'll have to pretend that I have a plan to proceed with.

I could sit in my armchair and read my newly started novel, but sitting behind the computer is ever so much more exciting. Things move at a speed that I'm comfortable with. I'm very much a 21st century person. Reading a book seems boring in comparison. It seems like such a passive activity. There's not much activity, except for turning the pages. Oh, and using your imagination, of course.

Being up does give me the opportunity to take an Omega 3 capsule which I didn't take enough of yesterday. I'm fine with the vitamin pill, but I sometimes forget the Omega 3. I'm sure it doesn't matter when I take them, as long as I do. I want to say that I feel better since I started taking the vitamin pills, but I'm sure it's all in my imagination. I don't think I can feel an effect after just a few days. I wish there was a 'healthy brain' pill. If there is, I'm unaware of it. I'm sure you'll point it out to me if you know of one. 

I have to share my space today with the personal helper and the domestic help, both of whom I have mixed feelings about losing my privacy to. I have so enjoyed being on my own these past two days and have not been bored at all. It will be nice to get the apartment cleaned, but it isn't very dirty at all. It hasn't had the chance to become so. My personal helper will have to be entertained and I will send her away early if that turns out to be too much of a chore, unless she can be of some service to me. I have no jobs to do with her. We can walk Tyke together, though I can easily do that on my own. 

I will answer my emails and then go back to bed and try and fall asleep. I am starting to yawn now. 

I hope you're all sleeping tight and that you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora