Grabbing the bull by the horns...

I've been up since the sun came up and that is very early in the morning at this time of the year. I was all done sleeping and I can only assume that since I stopped taking my sleeping pills, this is all the sleep I need and I'm talking about 6 to 7 hours. I only got up in the middle of the night one time too to let the dog out and to go to the toilet. I went back to bed immediately after that. 

That's highly unusual for me and I don't know if this is going to be a new habit. It may very well be and why not? It wouldn't be such a bad thing to sleep through the night. Other people do it so why not me? It would be a good habit to get into and I may actually learn how to sleep properly after all these years.

Thank goodness that today is Saturday and a day off because it will allow me to catch up on some chores that need to get done. I will go about them in a lazy manner because the day allows it. That's what the weekend is all about. I will thoroughly enjoy myself and not feel rushed at all. That will mean that I will have little or no stress. I'm looking forward to it already.

Of course, that sort of day without stress has already started now. I'm sitting here very comfortably with a cup of coffee and hardly a worry in the world. All I have to do in a little while is take the dog for a walk and it will be nice to get a dose of fresh air out in the blue skied, sunshiny, early morning. I hope the dog will be appreciative of that too, although the dog always likes going for a walk. It's the most fun thing he can do. 

The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was a grilled cheese sandwich. I had a huge craving for one. Luckily, that urge is gone now because it would be a terrible thing to eat for breakfast. I will have a glass of milk and a banana instead. That sounds a lot more sensible. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

All the king's men...

I should paint you a different scenario than the one I always paint and that's the one in which I always sit and have coffee and cigarettes. I'm afraid it is no different this night however and that's exactly what I'm doing. If anything, I am predctable, which is saying a lot for someone who is bipolar. At least there are some things that are always true about me. I do have some routines that never change. 

It's nice to be somewhat predictable. You do feel that people can count on you in some regards  and I do have my steady habits. I am a ritualistic woman and like to perform the same little actions every day at certain times. Very often they do involve peaceful times and coffee and cigarettes. I must have been dreaming when I thought I could give up that combination. It is such a part of my contemplative existence. 

I was depressed earlier during the day and had accepted that. It is a mood I am familiar with and I know how to handle myself under those circumstances. I was not really fighting it. I let it wash over me like a big wave from a vast ocean. I knew I wouldn't drown in it and would somehow manage to keep my head above water.

Now, during the night, as is usual, things don't seem as dire, but then they never are in the silence and peacefulness of the darkness. I feel relatively safe because the world is asleep and nobody can harm me and it isn't as if people are lined up down the street waiting to do so. That's just my subconscious imagination at work. It's a vague feeling of discomfort that I carry with me.

I should feel safer than I do, but because I'm alone I never quite do. I always feel a little bit haunted by the world around me and never completely at ease. It's like I always expect an attack from the outside and I always have to be vigilant. Maybe it is that way for everybody and we all feel that way. Does anyone feel safe?

I'm drinking ice cold milk and very good it tastes too. It's like having a bowl of ice cream. I wish I really had one of those, but there's no such thing in the freezer. Ice cold milk is the closest I can come to it and I consider that lucky. It does cheer me up and my stomach likes it too. It's gently growling instead of loudly protesting like it used to. The medicine for it does work. 

My headache is slowly getting better. This is the fifth day that I've got it but it's not nearly as bad as it was. I've just taken another paracetamol and I should be rid of the pain in just a little while. It's a long lasting headache, that's for sure. I don't think I've ever had a headache for that long a time. 

I should think about going back to bed. There are some hours left to sleep until it's morning. I've got to take care to get enough sleep. 

Ciao,

Irene

Life does continue...

I was rudely interrupted in my sleep by the dog who had to go out back for a piddle. I suppose I can't really be upset about that because it is much better than him piddling inside by the back door. It does feel awful if you step in it the next day totally unawares. 

It was much less cold outside than it had been and I stood out on the patio in the night air enjoying it while the dog did his business. The air felt pleasant after having been so cold and I didn't mind being out there in just my pajamas. The sky was overcast and that's probably why it wasn't so cold. 

A pot of coffee was quickly made and I'm having my second cup. I've read other people's blogs and commented on them where I thought I had something to say. That's not always the case, of course. Sometimes I keep my thoughts to myself. I'm not always as outspoken as I appear to be. 

I actually had a scrambled egg to eat yesterday. I have not had eggs in a long time. I had the Exfactor buy me biological eggs, meaning they came from chickens that had been allowed to roam free outside and have been fed responsibly. 

I fixed it with real butter and it tasted delicious. One egg is all I can handle, but it's perfect for a meal. It agreed with my stomach well too and I didn't experience any problems such as loud noises and burps. That's a good sign and I will have another one today.

I think if you listen to your body well, it will tell you what foods agree with it. You can try them out in small amounts for a couple of times and see what happens. I don't deal well with wheat, especially whole wheat products. They give me gas and make me bloat something awful. So I avoid them. 

I haven't had any chocolate lately either. I don't eat Nutella any longer and I haven't gotten any candy bars from the tobacco shop. I think I've gotten over my craving for it. I may talk about it now and then, but that's really nothing serious. Mostly that's just an old habit. 

What I crave most are cold things such as ice cold milk or pudding or ice cream. Anything to take that dry feeling from my mouth. I think that's a side effect from the medicines. 

I haven't had any ice cream in a long time either. I know it's too dangerous and that I will eat the whole carton in one go. It goes down that easy. It does melt in your mouth, after all. 

Cravings are usually bad things and are best ignored, except low fat, ice cold milk. Or ice cold orange juice. That's a good one too and that's what I'm going to have next. 

I'm yawning. It's time to go back to bed. My duvet is turning out to be the most wonderful thing. I love the thickness of it, yet it's so featherlight. It's perfect to sleep under. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Catch up...

I had told myself that I couldn't spend any time behind the computer during daylight hours. This was to control the amount of time I spent behind it and the amount of drivel I wrote in my posts. I figured with the amount of sleeping that I was doing in the nighttime hours now, that would put a severe cramp on my style, but I hadn't counted on the odd night that I would wake up early and sit here anyway, just like I used to. 

I woke up because of a long fit of coughing from acid reflux that was due to my gastric band. Sometimes that happens if I've eaten just a little bit too much during dinner. It's very irritating and doesn't stop until I've gotten up and due to gravity everything has settled down again. Having something to drink helps too. 

It puts a dent in my sleeping pattern, but I don't mind being up that much once the coughing stops. It does give me a chance to sit behind the computer since I can't during the day, or so I've told myself. I really have to find other ways to amuse myself during the day and get over the habit of automatically turning on the computer the moment I think I have nothing better to do and, most importantly, writing one unnecessary post after the other.

I find that I'm much more relaxed during the day if I'm not constantly turning on the computer and writing posts. It's much better if the whole notion is out of my head. I'm not neurotically sitting down explaining every detail of my life, which I have a tendency to do in order to try to be amusing. That way everything becomes scrutinized and I feel that my whole life is up for judgment. That's my own fault, of course. I make it that way. I know I can be much more enigmatic than that and that everything doesn't need to be explained into the minutest detail.

I do miss out on reading other blogs and leaving comments and that's something I'm going to have to rectify tonight while I have the chance. It's worth the missing hours of sleep, which I'll catch up on anyway in the morning. Sometimes It's okay to be up in the middle of the night, providing you get enough sleep later and you don't make a habit out of it like I had. I find that if I sleep well during the night, I do much better during the day. But I do want to visit my blogging buddies. I don't want them to think I have forsaken them. 

So, without much further ado, that's what I'll go do now. I hope you're all sound asleep or if not, that you're having a pleasant evening, whichever timezone you're in. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to get it just right...

I realize that when I get up in the middle of the night, I sometimes am just the slightest bit hypo-manic and I get a little over enthusiastic in my blog posts. I ramble on at amazing speeds about all sorts of subjects and seem to know no measure. I get so excited that there's no stopping me and only the little bit of common sense that I have left makes me end my posts, which otherwise would turn into hour long epistles. 

Keeping this in mind and being amazingly calm this early morning, I will very calmly sit here while I write this and not be like a runaway train that misses all the stations and is unstoppable. I will not move along at a fast speed, but be thoughtful and profound. I do have all the time in the world, after all, and I can slow myself down to a more gentle pace. I need to savor these very early hours in the morning and use them to my advantage. They can be quite meditative in their silence and give me a good start to the day.  

I need to pace myself better and try to be more even keeled and not leave my highs and lows up to chance so much. I need to run more interference. I give in to the hypo-manic feeling too much because it's such a high and I get such a kick out of it. That's sheer indulgence and like being high on a drug and not caring about the consequences. It's a bad habit that I've developed and I have to do something about it. It's better to own up to this instead of going on with it indefinitely. I'd rather be a sensible adult than an over excited adolescent. 

I do have to own my life and not give it away to my moods. My moods can be unpredictable, but that's where I have to come in and take my measures. I have to do whatever I can to change them and if I can't, not act upon them. It's better to keep a low profile while they are at their most extreme. It's much better to not act like I'm an angel descended from heaven to bring goodwill to mankind. I try very hard not to act out my doom and gloom periods, but I don't put the brakes on when I'm hypo-manic, when that would be just as good an idea.

I started reading a new novel last night and it's turning out to be quite humorous and intelligent. It's called 'Black Baby' and it's by Clare Boylan. I had to stop reading it because I was tired, otherwise I would have sat up all night and read it. I have more novels by Clare Boylan that I have not read yet and now I'm looking forward to reading them. She's an Irish writer and I do have a soft spot for them.  I'm going to sit down in my armchair and continue reading it as soon as I'm done here and wait for the sun to come up. 

The Exfactor is going to be here this morning to do the groceries. I'm glad because I'm completely out of milk and you know how much I like milk. It's still a day off for everybody else, but the grocery stores are open, thank goodness. Tomorrow everything gets back to normal and my personal helper will be here. It will be a short week, which I don't mind one bit. I do so appreciate these days off. I like all the time I spend on my own and don't feel lonely. My own company seems good enough. Of course, having blogging friends helps tremendously. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora