Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Almost asleep...

I'm about to go to sleep and only stubbornness is keeping me up. I should seriously have my head examined because I'm tired enough to go to bed right now. I just don't want the night to end yet. I want to sit here a little while longer and enjoy the peace and quiet of the very late evening. I made a cup of coffee to keep me from falling asleep behind the computer.

I managed to make it through the day on only two tranquilizers. I thought that was a good sign and I was not a nervous wreck. I would have taken more if I had needed them. It's possible that the increase in the antidepressants is starting to do its job because they also have an anti-anxiety function. I've taken them at this dose for five days now and maybe that is long enough to make some difference.

I know I have to be patient and that this whole process can't be rushed. It's going to take time while the medicines build up in strength in my body. Hopefully, each day will be a better day, but I don't want to be back to the point that I was before I became depressed. I want to be doing much better than that because I think I was not doing all that great when I became depressed.

I think I've been suffering from a low grade depression for a long time and it's no longer acceptable to me to live with it. My life has to improve a great deal. The quality of it has to get a lot better. What I have considered as 'normal' is no longer okay. I've actually lived a very low quality life and I won't do it anymore. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist and my SPN and it's definitely going to be a subject of discussion in future talks. 

It's getting late and I have to think about going to bed. My coffee cup is empty so it's time. I have to take my sleeping pills now and drift off to sleep. 

I hope you are all having a good night and that you'll have a good Sunday. 

Ciao,

Nora

Wishful thinking...

It's in the middle of the night and I think things should always be as relaxed as they are now. I could almost forget that I'm suffering from a depression. My head is on pretty straight and I feel in a fairly good mood. This is as close to normal as I can get. 

Of course, I don't want to jinx myself by saying too much and I will leave it at that, save to say that I wish to wake up in the morning like this also. I guess that would be too much to ask for, but it's just a tiny little wish in the larger scope of things.

My psychiatrist did inform me yesterday that I can expect to see improvement one week after I've increased the antidepressants, so that will be early next week and that gives me something to look forward to. It's a straw I will be grasping at. 

I've not wanted to write anything here because whatever I wrote was all so depressing. I wanted to be more lighthearted than that, but I didn't know if I could be. I don't feel so morose now and I think I can write about something more normal, although I have to scratch my head and think of what that can be.

I haven't done much out of the ordinary these past days but sit around in my bathrobe and take many naps. The naps have been the most pleasant because I took them in a clean bed. I did make enough effort to change the sheets. I had to talk myself into doing that and convince myself that it wasn't really that much of a job. Depressed people easily get intimidated by the most simple things. 

At least I'm not hypo-manic tonight, which is a big relief. That frantically being happy is no good either and I don't know if it's even happiness but just a sort of madness that comes over you. 

I've entertained the dog to the best of my abilities, although I think he's a bit bored with me. The Exfactor has been by every day to take him for a walk. That's relieved me of a large sense of guilt. 

I've just started drinking ice cold milk and any minute now my thinking processes are going to freeze up. I will start to slow down and have a hard time coming up with things to write about, if I weren't already.

There's been no attempt to get dressed. I live in my pajamas and bathrobe. I suppose that one of these days I will put my clothes on again. I have to by Monday anyway when life will start to continue. 

First I have to get through the weekend which is a blessing because it is a minor time out, except that I don't know how well I will get through it in a depressed state. It may not be as easy as usual. The days alone may be tougher than they usually are. That's why taking naps is so important. They take up a lot of time. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now. I'm sufficiently tired again thanks to the milk. 

I hope you'll all have a good Saturday.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to business...

Okay, there is to be no fooling around and things are going to be back to business as usual. I will keep a stiff upper lip and not sit here and feel sorry for myself. There is to be no whining and complaining except for when I momentarily can't stand it anymore, but then it will be very briefly. 

Last night I muttered swear words under my breath. I didn't speak the lord's name in vain, but I did mention him several times. Repeatedly, actually. It felt good and it was sort of like an incantation. It was a plea to his omnipresence, as far as that heathen heart of mine was capable of it. The catholic church would have been proud of me. I swore as well as any pastor. I did it every time reality dawned on me.

The English aren't the only ones who can keep a stiff upper lip. We Dutch people are equally good at it, though we call it something else. We have all sorts of expressions for it, none of which are really suitable for translation. I don't like them well enough anyway. We straighten our backs and turn into the wind and get ready to brave the storm. And not a peep out of you. That's just a general description.

I'm sitting here having numerous cups of coffee and I'm not keeping track of how many I've had. It doesn't seem important right now. What counts is the state of my mood and its relative wellness. If I have to chemically induce that, then so be it. It seems a minor detail in the general state of affairs. I had a lot of coffee yesterday too and I survived it well enough. I still think it has medicinal properties and is as necessary to me as my medication is.

It's early in the morning and I don't know if I will go back to bed. I very much feel like staying up and starting the day. I woke up in a terrible sweat, but I know it's not from the menopause. It's a side effect from the antidepressants and now that they've been increased, it's going to bother me more. I don't look forward to going back to bed and would have to change the sheets first anyway. It's possible that I'll hang out here in my bathrobe for quite a while longer.

At least it's possible now for me to take tranquilizers during the day which soften the edges quite a bit. I was encouraged to do this and I have no qualms about taking them, not now. I always get off them very easily too when the time is right. 

I don't know what sort of post this has turned out to be. It wasn't as normal a post as I had intended it to be. Maybe it will be the next time. I will talk about ordinary things in a more normal frame of mind. If I achieve that, of course. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Fake it until you make it...

I took two tranquilizers a while ago and I've been sitting here waiting for them to work before I got down to the business of writing a post. I want to write a good humored post and not one steeped in seriousness and sorrow. There's no need for that, but I did need to get rid of a little bit of stress. It's better to feel as relaxed as possible and I did have permission from my psychiatrist to use the tranquilizers as I needed them.

I'm sitting here in a dimly lighted living room. Outside it has just started to rain again like it has been on and off all day. Luckily, I managed to stay nearly dry when I had to go out in it. I only got sprinkled on a little bit. I did get a wet bottom from my bicycle seat, but that was the least of my worries. It dried in no time at all. That's what happens when your bike is parked outside during a rain shower and you have nothing to wipe your seat off with.

I've walked the dog and the wind was blowing hard. It wasn't a real pleasure to be out there. It would have been if I had been dressed warmer maybe. It feels like autumn outside. It's only 59F and it's August. It's as cold as it gets in San Francisco in the summertime.

Right, so I have seen my psychiatrist and it was a very tough visit. He said I was severely depressed. I exposed all the negative feelings imaginable and he showed the patience of a saint until I became more reasonable. He has increased my antidepressants, although I told him that I had no faith in them. He said that it was the only option available right now. We are not going to mess with other medication. It would upset my equilibrium, but I said it was already upset. Ha ha!

He is a tough cookie, this psychiatrist. He is as stubborn and all knowing as I am. He really does know his business. I'm at his mercy. When he says no, he means no.

All I can hope for is improvement and I know it takes time. I have to be patient and think long term and not take the short view. I have to act like everything is okay until it is. That means stepping outside myself and not dwelling on everything that's wrong. It means ignoring a lot of things. It's pretty much what I've been doing all along. I'm good at that. 

I've got to go and watch the news. There's lots going on in the world. Even I know that. You can't close your eyes to it. Much as I'd like to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Olfactory sensations.

I have the smell of spaghetti with bolognese sauce in my head, topped with a good helping of Italian cheese. I could swear there was a plate full of it in the kitchen and just to make sure, I even went to look, but I was disappointed. I checked the kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator to see if I could make it myself, but of course, I didn't have the ingredients.

That's the olfactory sensation I woke up with in the middle of the night and wasn't it a frustrating one, because I can taste that spaghetti as if it's standing in front of me. I must have a terrible longing for a good helping of it. I'll have to get that out of my head as quickly as possible and maybe I can do it by having a cup of tomato soup. That may be the cure for it, though I would still like some cheese on top of that. 

Maybe just having a tall glass of ice cold milk will take care of it, as it takes care of all my cravings as a rule. It seems to be a cure all for everything. Even for the longing for Belgian chocolates. First I've got to have another cup of coffee. I have to be able to think straight and only the caffeine can achieve that, or so I think. 

It's actually not a cold night. It's 72F outside and inside it is very pleasant also. I'm sitting here in only my pajamas with bare feet. My feet are hot for some reason and I long to put them in a basin with cold water, but it would get messy here and I don't want to electrocute myself. I will put lotion on them in a little while and find refreshment that way. 

The dog always wants to lick the lotion when I apply it, so I have to rub it in quickly. I'm sure it's not good for him. He has strange tastes. The other day, he ate a raw zucchini with the greatest of appetites. It was like he had longed for it his whole life. Next, he's going to be eating Brussels sprouts. He also likes Mandarin oranges.

It's going to be a quiet day today and I'm going to enjoy it. Remember what I said about having that weekend feeling during the week? I'm going to apply it now. That means I'm not going to have that during the week stressful feeling. I will try to be as relaxed as I can get while still taking care of my chores and responsibilities. 

I also think that the increase in my anti-depressives is working now because I feel a lot better. That gloomy black dog is not following me around any more and I feel a lot more upbeat. Things weigh a lot less heavy anyway. I do them with much less anxiety and neuroses. Neuroses are a great thing to drop by the wayside. They are totally useless barbed things that leave you exhausted and hurt.

It's time to drink cold milk and that will leave me at a loss for words. It always seems to stop my flow of words, so I feel called upon to prove otherwise. I must write something down that makes sense. It also makes me instantly cold and I have to put on my bathrobe. Apparently, I will not have hot feet for much longer.

At least I've gotten over my longing for spaghetti with bolognese sauce. That's just a faint memory now. It's a good thing that you can't give into every craving that you have or you would get enormously fat. It's best to keep the cupboards and refrigerator as bare as possible. At least down to the most basic items so you don't fall into temptation.

I've got to go back to bed now. My brain isn't functioning anymore. Not well enough to finish writing this post anyway. I will hopefully sleep for a long time in the morning and then leisurely wake up with a cup of coffee and the news. 

Have a good day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Nostalgia...

I was just standing by the back door and apparently it has been such a wet month that it smelled like autumn in the night air. It really and truly only is July still, but it smelled like October. If there had been the smell of a wood fire, I would not have been surprised. 

The smell of autumn brings back all sorts of memories. None of them unpleasant, really. It must not be a season that I really have a problem with. The only bad thing is that it is followed by winter and that season I do have a problem with. Like most everybody, I think. I'm thinking of cold wind and ice and snow and how much I dislike them. 

But it's still July, although barely, and we still have August to look forward to. Hopefully it will be a nicer month than July has been. Maybe we will see more sunshine. It has been the wettest July since 1906. Things just have to improve. 

Yesterday I reached the lowest point in my depression and had no reaction yet to the email I had sent to my psychiatrist. I came to find out that he was not going to be in the office until next Monday. I couldn't wait that long.

I managed to get a hold of my SPN and tearfully explained the situation to her. She contacted another psychiatrist who had access to my file and arranged for my anti-depressives to be increased. This meant faxing a prescription to the pharmacy and having the delivery boy drop the pills off in the early evening.

I don't expect miracles and to be cured overnight, but it does give me some hope to have this extra pill that will in the end start working if all goes well. I also feel better for having unloaded my mind with my SPN. It felt good to actually say how bad I really felt and how I was not managing well at all. 

I've pulled myself together now and will wait it out. I can't force anything to be different than what it is at this point. I will roll with the punches. Acknowledging a depression is half the work. 

It's early in the morning and I'm still drinking coffee. I don't think I will go back to bed as I have some chores to do before the domestic help gets here. I'm also expecting the Exfactor. Possibly I will sit in my armchair and read my book while I have more coffee to stay awake by.

I started reading 'We Were the Mulvaneys' by Joyce Carol Oates and I'm already gripped by it. Here is novel to sink your teeth into. It's the kind of book I've been longing to read. It's intellectually and emotionally challenging. She's a great writer anyway and I've liked most of her novels. This one has been sitting on my bookcase for a while waiting for me to read it and I finally started on it yesterday evening.

I also watched an episode of 'Pride and Prejudice.' It seems that I have missed many episodes and last night Lydia had already eloped with Mr Wickham. It's a good thing that I've already seen the series several times and that I've read the book numerous times. I know there's only one episode left and I know the outcome, but still it's fun to watch. Colin Firth is such a joy to behold. If only he could have stayed Mr Darcy forever.

I must make it a point to get dressed today. That should be the least of my efforts. It's been a tough thing to do. Maybe taking the dog out for a walk early will blow the cobwebs from my mind. It's a very ambitious plan. I'll have to wait for it to become dawn first. I'll try to be as brave as my abilities allow me to be. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The sense of medicines...

Because I had not been feeling my old self lately, I asked my psychiatrist today if I could increase my anti-depressants. I told him the reasons why and he said it was okay with him if I felt that I couldn't wait a few days to see if it would improve. I thought about that, but realized that I didn't want to continue feeling the way I was. I felt like I was fighting an uphill battle and that I was going down hill.

What bothered me especially was the over analyzing of my thoughts that I was doing continuously and still want to do, although now that I realize that I'm depressed, I try not to do this anymore. I don't give it the legitimacy that it had before. I was picking every word and deed and thought apart until nothing was left whole and unexamined, but because I looked at it through dark and negative  colored glasses, nothing looked right and I couldn't get a clear picture. 

Like I said, I try not to over analyze my thoughts anymore and I'm waiting for the medication to do its job. I have faith in it, just like I believe in not using it when it's not necessary. At the same time, I'm not going to take myself so seriously. I'm going to leave my thoughts alone and not pick them apart. I will treat myself like an ailing person who has to get better.

That doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet. I feel major discomfort creeping up on me as I write this. My mood is morose. I have deep and dark thoughts and unpleasant memories popping up their head.  Scenarios that are unwanted and uncalled for enter my head and are played out and they are painful. They make my toes curl in my boots. It's best to keep myself occupied.

One way I did that today was to watch the continuous news about the devastation in Japan from the earthquake and the tsunami. I guess my troubles pale in the face of that. It's always good to keep a sane perspective on things, though you must not neglect your own problems because other people in the world are having worse ones.  You'd never get around to taking care of yourself that way.

I have to walk Tyke, he is waiting impatiently. He has just eaten his dinner.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Make a story out of it...

I hope that the cup of coffee I'm drinking is quickly going to put me in a more cheerful mood. If not this one, then the one I'm going to drink after it. I am a bit down in the dumps and I've been trying in various ways to feel better, but they haven't made a difference yet. I wish I had a magic pill that I could take to cheer me up, but I know that such thing does not exist, although I used to think so. Now I'm counting on the coffee. 

I didn't start the day out too bad. I was a bit slow this morning and I took my time waking up in my armchair with several cups of coffee and my inevitable cigarettes. Once I had my head together after a long enough time, I took a shower and got dressed and walked Tyke. I seemed to function alright, but after that, I've been going downhill and my mood has not improved yet.

I did do the chores that needed to get done. I hadn't changed the bed last night like I had planned and I did that today and did a load of laundry. I've got a nice clean bed to look forward to tonight. That ought to cheer me up a bit, but that's nice for later when I've got my pajamas on. I've got to think about this moment and try to make a difference. I don't want to sit here like a bump on a log and be downhearted. I've got to find something to be a bit happy about right now. 

Maybe the last reduction of my anti-depressives has caught up with me and that is making me have a down day. Usually those reductions take a couple of days for your body to react to. The amount of medication in your body doesn't drop down to the new level until a few days after you've cut back. It's been four days since I reduced it. That could account for it and I may be okay again by tomorrow. There's no reason to get worried anyway. 

I heard somewhere that last night was a full moon. That would explain why I couldn't get to sleep right away. I never keep track of these things as I'm completely unaware of the moon in the night sky. I never know what phase it is in. I'm a typical city dweller when it comes to something like that. After the fact, I do always seem to be affected by the full moon and I should keep better track of it. It would explain my lunatic moments.

There's no sunshine today to cheer me up. It's completely overcast and cold. It isn't much fun to go for walks now and Tyke only gets short ones. We're expecting rain tonight and tomorrow we're even supposed to have wintry showers. I guess I was prematurely excited about the springtime. I am wearing cheerful clothes because of it. I thought I had to make the best of a gloomy day. 

The coffee hasn't helped much and I'm going to stop drinking it and switch to cold milk. I better stop having high expectations of today and strike this one up to experience. You can't have good days all the time. That would be too much to ask for. I suppose it's in human nature to have the odd day when things don't go all that great for whatever reason and I guess it keeps you humble in case you get a big head. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Moving along quietly...

I feel serenity as I sit here in the middle of the night behind the computer with a cup of coffee. It's a very pleasant feeling and I'm grateful for it. I feel it often enough to know that I can count on it and I sure appreciate its regular presence in my life. I often wished for it when I was younger and now that I'm older and wiser and appreciative, I'm glad that it's part of my daily life. 

I have long moments throughout the day and night that I'm struck by this feeling of serenity and contentment. I find myself blessed by it. I don't analyze it, but accept it for what it is, and that is the complete absence of aggravation and stress. Some things are attainable in the end and serenity is one of them. I hope that I will always find contentment in the sheer act of being alive. 

I find that I'm happiest in my own company and that the feeling of serenity is strongest when I'm all by myself. I do enjoy the time spent with other people, but it doesn't have to be long. An hour or so is more than enough. It's like getting your tank filled and cruising along down the road on your own and enjoying the scenery, though the scenery I see is all in my head and is made up of uncomplicated thoughts and images.

I do get pulled off my path by daily life as it happens with its minor complications, but I try to keep the chances of that happening to a minimum. My whole life is carefully tuned to avoid major obstacles. I find that the big ones are those that take place in my own head and I can realign them. Painful memories are the ones that come to mind immediately, but I've found a way to deal with them. I no longer get bogged down in them. 

It's been two days since the last reduction in my anti-depressives and I've had no adverse reactions yet, but then again, I wasn't expecting any. I do these reductions with a lot of optimism and with the assumption that all will be well. I do anticipate some possible reactions, but just assume that I will deal with them and so far there have been no really bad ones. 

Once in a while I think I feel something unpleasant and I'm somewhat on edge, but it is of a passing nature and something I get through and it is not serious enough to break my head over. I get over it by sitting in my armchair quietly and doing a bit of meditating while all around me it is silent. It is not too hard to get into this state of mind having enough experience with it now. 

At least my first reaction to an unpleasant feeling isn't to reach for a pill to make it go away. I have enough faith in myself to know it will pass on its own and that it's temporary as all feelings are. I can always aim for the higher goal of serenity and exist in that sphere. There's seldom a need to panic.

I think I will go back to bed. I'm sufficiently sleepy now. My bed is still the best place to be early in the morning. 

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

How to spend the night...

I'm sitting here with a tall glass of cold milk and a cigarette. It is in the middle of the night, but I've already slept for a long time, because I went to bed early yesterday evening. Today is my day off. I can spend it as I wish, within reason, as long as I walk Tyke and do some of my chores. 

It's the kind of day that I look forward to. I do very much like leisurely days in which nothing important is on the schedule and no one is coming to visit me. That doesn't mean that I'm anti-social, because I also appreciate the days when someone does. I do like to keep these days finely balanced. A little bit of everything is perfect. 

The milk tastes great and is perking me right up. I had a cup of coffee, but for a change I wasn't in the mood for another cup. That's highly unusual. The milk is agreeing better with me than the coffee did and is waking up my brain. It must be the coldness of it. It's almost as good as having a cold dessert. In my case that would have to be something like an ice cream sundae with whipped cream on top. I haven't had one of those in ages, but I do have the memory of one.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries and I had him buy me three cartons of low fat yogurt. I'm all done eating vanilla pudding and I was in the mood for something completely different. I do like the slightly sour taste of plain yogurt. For lack of space in the bike bags, I didn't have him buy me any buttermilk, although I was in the mood for that too. Maybe I'll have him get me that the next time.  It's something I have been craving.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we agreed to not reduce my sleep medication right now because I had not been sleeping well. Sleeping well is so important and it is really detrimental to my well being if I don't. I don't function as well during the day if I haven't had a good night's sleep. That includes the hours that I sleep in the early morning after I go back to bed. I am reducing the anti-depressives some more and started that yesterday, but I'm not the least bit concerned about that. That will be fine. 

I also saw my SPN and we are now going to see each other once every two weeks, because it's not really necessary to see each other more often. We don't have that much to discuss. We will reduce the visits more as we go along.

I think that now I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not morning yet and I have some hours left before it will be. I'm yawning and more than ready to go back to sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

The Sunday blues...

I just got up for the second time and am having my second cup of coffee. Even though the sun is shining outside, I'm not enthused about the day, but I figure that everybody is allowed a day like that. I want to stay in my bathrobe and slippers and be lazy all day long and pretend that it has nothing to do with me. Actually, I would be doing what the day was created for, except that I wouldn't heed the call to prayer. I simply don't want to participate and I think I will be excused by whatever higher being lords it over me. 

I thought that it might be due to the fact that I had reduced my anti-depressants, but I decided that I was just in a slightly grumpy mood and not to blame it on that. I think it is quite normal to be in a grumpy mood every now and then for no particular reason other than that it is Sunday. It isn't my favorite day of the week anyway, no matter how hard I try to ignore this fact. Reducing my medicines has nothing to do with it. I simply want to be good and kind to myself and make the best of a not so exciting day. 

One thing I should not be and that is scared of moods, because they are the most normal thing  in the world. I can't always be even tempered, no matter how hard I try. I think I'm so very often in a positive mood that a grumpy mood takes me by surprise and I immediately get suspicious. I try to find a reason other than the most obvious one, in other words, that it's part of the human condition. It is possible to be fed up with the most ordinary things and to need a little time out, which is what I'm going to take today. 

Having written all of this down already makes me feel a lot better. I have probably analyzed it the long way around, but I have gotten to my point in the end. Anyway, there is to be no 'ought' or 'should' today. There are only wants and needs. 

Ciao,

Nora

Unbelievably so...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and if it were summertime, the sun would be coming up now. That's how I excuse my early presence here. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I've just answered my emails and let Tyke out back. It was a little bit cold out there and I stood by the back door in my tank top and pajama bottoms. It was very refreshing, but now I've put on my bathrobe. I'm not that hardy. I did have goosebumps.

Since it's Sunday today, it is officially a day of rest, although you may say that I've had one of those yesterday too. I know I did, but it wasn't official, I was sort of cheating then. Yesterday was a wasted day and I bow my head in shame when I think back on it. It was a day that I have nothing to show for and that is not something I'm proud of. The day slipped through my fingers like loose sand at the beach. I somehow, despite all the rest I'm supposed to get, hope to make up for it today and make it a worthwhile day. How I propose to do this is a mystery to me yet, but hopefully I'll think of something. 

Actually, what I forgot to do yesterday was plain enjoy myself. I was rather uptight all day long and didn't really relax. I didn't even take the time to just sit in my armchair to enjoy the solitude. The times that I could have, I turned on the television and watched programs that I wasn't really interested in. I think I felt uptight because I had cut down on my anti-depressives, and despite my resolve not to let that bother me, I think it did subconsciously influence me, as if I was expecting something to go wrong. I was just a bit on edge. 

Nothing really went wrong and at the end of the day I felt fine. When I went to bed I was perfectly normal and in a good enough state of mind. I really think that I had worried for nothing, even though it was only on a subconscious level and with hindsight. I misjudge the power of the pills, although at the same time I don't underestimate them. I do know they play an important part in the workings of my psyche, but I know that it's not so bad that I can't reduce them safely up to a point. I suppose I should say that I underestimate the strength of my own psyche and the fact that I am capable of dealing with my feelings. 

You do learn something new every day and you're never too old to learn, or maybe they are the same lessons you learn over and over again, just in a slightly different form so you don't forget them. There does seem to be a lot of repeat, but that maybe due to my foolhardiness. It's very well possible that all people are foolhardy and that we're all learning the same lessons over and over again. Maybe they don't really stick until we get older and they are engraved well enough into our brains. 

It's been a pleasure to sit here and write this, but I do think that I have to go back to bed and sleep some more. It's not nearly time to start the day. I am starting to yawn and that is a sure sign that I'm not done sleeping yet. It will be nice to get back into bed for a few more hours. 

Have a good day, all of you. Or a good night if you're about to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Are you sleeping?

It's Friday afternoon and time to start celebrating the weekend. I don't do this with a cold beer, because I don't have any of those in the refrigerator. Instead, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes good too, though a beer might have tasted better and put me in a really good mood. I'm actually in a good enough mood all by myself, so that cup of coffee will have to do. I may even get really radical and have a glass of juice in a while. I won't put any vodka in it, although I still have half a bottle left. It will just have to linger on the shelf longer for a really special occasion, though I can't think of one right of the top of my head. Maybe I'll save it for world peace. 

The weekend ought to be very relaxed. The weather will be decent enough to take Tyke for many walks and I will be able to sleep late if I feel like it, which I usually do. That is only logical when you consider that I do my best sleeping in the mornings. I seem to be on a different time schedule than the rest of the country. There will be interesting things to watch on television and lots of good stuff to listen to on the radio. There will also be lots of opportunity to sit in my armchair and do nothing but daydream, which is becoming a favorite activity of mine and which I can  heartily recommend. It's very nice to sit in silence and to let your thoughts wander amongst gentle subjects. Very often I pet Tyke while I am sunk in thought and Gandhi lies on my lap. We do have our bonding moments. 

Today is the day that I cut my anti-depressives back by a third. I'm not worried about this and I assume it will be fine. Once my psychiatrist explained to me that you really aren't hooked on this kind of medicine, I stopped worrying about it. You do get hooked on things like tranquilizers, but I've always been able to get off those pretty easily. You aren't physically hooked on anti-depressives. You do use them as a mental crutch, so depending on your life circumstances, you may still need a crutch, but it can be something else. It can be an insight that you have gained into your own situation or psyche.

The sun is starting to set and it is getting dark in here. I have to switch some lamps on. It is also time to close the bedroom windows and turn on the heater. I am starting to feel a little bit cold.  The sky has been cloudy all day and it's going to rain tonight. I should be able to walk Tyke one more time without getting wet. If we do get wet, I have a towel to rub him dry with hanging over the bathroom radiator and he's very good about having that done. As a matter of fact, I think he enjoys it. Those are the little pleasures in life for him. He's just like a little kid and easy to please. 

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Just give me coffee...

I'm sitting here very early in the morning having my third cup of coffee and I slowly feel like I'm turning into a human being again. The first thing I did, when I got up, was have two tall glasses of cold milk, but they did nothing to wake me up, they just quenched my terrible thirst. Luckily, the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my first strong cup of coffee in no time. I drank it greedily, because I knew it would restore me to my senses very soon. Fortunately, I take milk in my coffee, otherwise I would end up scalding my mouth.

I was up for 36 hours. I never did go to bed after I wrote my last post. I stayed up all night and I stayed up all day yesterday and didn't go to sleep until sometime early in the evening. I was fine too, I wasn't tired or wired. I was just very much awake and functioning. It was a very strange situation and I was aware of the fact that I maybe thought I was functioning normally when in reality I wasn't, so I tried not to do anything out of the ordinary. I only ventured as far as the tobacconist and stayed home the rest of the day, except to go out and walk Tyke. 

The domestic help was here and I had a perfectly normal conversation with her, so I think I was pretty much okay. I was certainly glad to see her, after the one who had been here on Tuesday, who, it turned out, had written down all sorts of things in the work book that she hadn't done. She had written down that she had washed the windows! Well, I certainly would have noticed that. I don't know who she was trying to fool. 

I had to wait for that package with the ten Euro dress in it and I sat and waited for it for the longest time until it dawned on me that they had put it in the mailbox of course, and yes, that's where it was. I had to try that on right away and find the right clothes to go with it and that worked out well. It was the right size and looked good. I even had the perfect earrings to go with it. I do count my blessings when it comes to my clothes. What I order fits and looks good and I get it on sale. What more can you ask for?

I started to write another blog over on Wordpress. It's not instead of this blog. It's in addition to this blog. If you're interested in checking it out you can go to it here. I started it because sometimes I have such a terrible need to write and I end up writing multiple posts for this blog that are left unread. Not that I expect much traffic on the new blog over at Wordpress. I'm doing it for my own pleasure more than anything. It's just another outlet. Another chance to write, maybe about the same things, but I'm rewording the text. I hope to be more interesting in another place. I was funnier in Wordpress before. I don't know who's going to be my favorite child now.

It's cold in here and I just turned on the heater. It was raining earlier and rain is expected the rest of the day. I think we're getting this weather system from England, it's coming to us from the south west. Are you people in England having foul weather? 

I've run out of coffee and will now start drinking cold milk and lemonade to quench my everlasting thirst. Since my antidepressants were increased, it has gotten worse. Maybe I ought to start buying bottled water, there are no calories in it and I could keep it cold. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Yawning in the early morning...

You'd think I was tired or something the way I'm sitting here yawning, but all I really need is a cup of coffee to wake me up properly. Well, it may take several cups, but since there's no shortage of ground coffee, that's not a problem. As a matter if fact, I have a whole new supply of  # 4 filters as well, so I can make many pots full if I need to. Always look at the bright side of life. Waking yourself up with coffee may be an artificial onslaught to your body, but it sure as heck works. I have yet to see a cup of coffee I don't like. 

I'm very cozily and contentedly sitting here in my bathrobe having an absolutely peaceful moment and I sure treasure it, because I don't know how long it's going to last. It may be very fleeting in nature and be gone like a puff of wind in no time. So, it's like they say, enjoy the moment and hang on to it. I'll try not to let anything disturb it and make it a very long moment. That means I have to ignore Tyke who thinks he's bored and wants attention. Luckily, he's now distracted by a rawhide bone. Phew, that was a close call. I don't know if I'm off the hook, though. He can be very persistent.

Yesterday morning I was rudely awakened out of a sound slumber by the telephone. It was the household manager of the Green Cross who said he had a domestic help for me right that moment and that she could be at my place in ten minutes. I was taken completely off guard, because I had been expecting one in the afternoon. So here I was in my bathrobe, half asleep and in dire need of a cup of coffee and in no shape to get dressed yet. I decided that having the coffee and a cigarette were the most important things and I welcomed the domestic help in my bathrobe and didn't get dressed until I had to vacate my armchair when she vacuumed the living room. I don't care what people think.

She was a very talkative domestic help and smoked three cigarettes while she was here. She cleaned house the French way, in other words, with a lick and a promise, so it's a good thing that my regular one is coming on Friday. When the Exfactor got here when she was done, she decided to stay a while and join in the conversation. It was an awkward situation and I'm glad she was just temporary and that she won't be back. I will go through several temporaries now until I get a steady one. It will be a pain in the neck, but I'll have to put up with it.

The Exfactor and I chatted over a cup of coffee about his work and about my state of mind, which needed discussing, and then I made a shopping list, which I kept down to the most basic necessities. I want to spend some money on myself this month and cut out any 'luxuries' from the grocery store, so I will have some extra money. I can be very frugal if I have to be and live on bread and water.

I walked Tyke while the Exfactor did the groceries and we were home at the same time and unloaded them together. Tyke was very excited, as usual, because he thought everything was for him. He does get underfoot and there's some danger of shutting him into the refrigerator.

I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone and he increased my antidepressants. He wants to get to the root of the problem, though, by talking about it and is going to call me this morning to make an appointment with either him or my SPN, who's been on vacation and sick, so she's not been available up to now. She may be back today, however. 

I've got my outfit picked out for today and I've decided to tone it down a little bit and not look so very dressed up. I won't look like I'm going to have tea with the queen. I'm only going to creative class, after all. I mustn't make too big a deal out of it. Everything is very relative and, although I want to look good, I don't have to look splendidly smashing. 

I feel better today. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora