Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

One of those nights...

 It's threatening to become one of those long sleepless nights that I'm famous for which end up with me not going to bed until some time in the morning. I haven't been to bed yet and have been keeping myself busy with the appearances of my blogs and the names of them. 

I don't know if that was necessary, but it's something I get caught up in very once in a while. A madness comes over me and I go looking for blogger layouts and always find a new website where I can get them for free. And of course, I always think there are better layouts there than the ones I have at the moment. 

I think I am one hell of a stubborn woman with a one track mind who gets fixated on certain activities and stops being aware of everything around her. That's why it's good for me to sit here and write this post and take some distance from it all. Maybe I can get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground and go to bed at a halfway decent time. Maybe I can talk some sense into myself. 

Regardless of the late hour, I'm having some coffee to straighten out my head. It was in a complete muddle. I'm tired enough so I won't worry about falling asleep. That is, if I have enough sense to go to bed and don't continue to sit here doing useless things. I must tell myself that I look forward to going to bed and that it's a nice place to go to. There's so much temptation to stay up and sit here in a half stupor. 

I do like altered states of mind.Especially the kind that are benign and treat me friendly. The kind that leave me without feeling guilty, as this one is right now. Of course, I don't know the aftermath of it yet, but I assume a good outcome.  All will be well in the morning. 

I don't know what happened to the day. It was over in no time at all and I wasn't bored for one minute. Of course, sleeping for half of it took care of a great deal of it. I would be bored in the morning I I didn't sleep. To me that's not the best time of the day to be up. I used to clean house then in my housewifely days, but those are far behind me. I scrub the toilet at any time of the day now. I have no method. 

I have to go to bed now because I'm starting to doze off. My eyes want to fall shut. I'm sure one more cup of coffee would save me, but i better not drink it. I also have to pay attention to the dog because he's bothering the cat for lack of attention from me. I'll have to give him a good belly rub. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Repeat performances...

It was another tough day fighting with 'the black dog,' but now that it's nighttime I'm doing a lot better. I think it's because I've taken the tranquilizers and the sleeping pill and, although they don't always put me to sleep, they sure help me feel more upbeat.

I'm allowed to take tranquilizers during the day also, but I've been reluctant to do this. I don't know if there's something convoluted in my reasoning because right now it seems like a very logical thing to do. They take away so much of the heartache. But during the day I sit and suffer and refuse to take them. 

I may have to rethink this in the morning. Maybe I will be more fit for reason then and see the sensibility of taking them. They really do make a difference and make my life much easier. They eliminate many negative thoughts that I have a tendency to have now and that all have to do with my past. Thoughts that are totally useless to have because they are about issues that I've already dealt with. 

In a way it's like my mind wants to torture me and show me pictures of the things I want to least look at and that I have no good reason to. They serve no purpose whatsoever and when I take the tranquilizers, I'm almost immediately relieved of them. You can imagine that this is a very welcome break.

These sort of unpleasant side effects all come with 'the black dog.' There's a whole litany of them and they are as predictable as all symptoms are that come with this disease. I do and don't do the things that are typical for any person suffering from a depression. I'm a textbook case.

Everything isn't perfect right now, but I can forget a few things at this precious moment because all I have to do after this is go to bed. I won't have to think about anything complicated for a while until morning comes. I can forget that the whole world and all of its difficulties exist, including my own part in it.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora