Friday evening...

The weekend has properly started and by all rights I should put on my party clothes now and go out to a pub or a disco. No, I should go out for dinner first and then go out for drinks and a dance. 

In my younger years I would have done so, but I'm afraid that I no longer have it in me. I wouldn't know how to party if I stumbled into one. I've forgotten completely how to do it. The noise of it would drive me mad. I'm a middle aged woman on the wrong side of the middle after all. 

I'd rather have an intimate get together over white wine and candlelight in a cozy pub by a fireplace in a small inn somewhere. That's about my speed. Somewhere in the countryside where I can look at the starry sky later in the evening. A little tipsy maybe, but feeling no pain. 

A woman can fantasize, can't she? I'll fantasize a tall, dark, handsome stranger to go with it. Someone who dissolves in the morning before breakfast so as not to spoil the illusion. I don't want him to see the saggy bits by daylight. The harsh truth, as it is so unkindly called. The one you have to face up to during the day when you're sober and sensible. 

I am, in the first place, a sensible woman. Make no mistake about it. In the end I always do the right thing and I don't let my imagination get out of hand. This leads me to live a very sedate life without any sort of wild abandon in it. I no longer live my life like it's a dramatic novel or a larger than life film. Something by Ingmar Bergman with a lot of pain in it. 

I suppose that if you get burned bad enough, you learn to live your life without any shenanigans in it. You avoid drama. You steer clear of anything that could be highly emotional and volatile. You learn to appreciate peacefulness and predictability.

Well, look at me, preaching to the probably already converted. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you anything new. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Give me a hip flask...

My activities today consisted of taking the dog for a few walks and hanging out behind the computer where I fined tuned the looks of the layouts of my blogs. Oh yes, I also folded and put away some laundry. I did all of this under the influence of doses on tranquilizers which allowed me to remain calm and serene and which kept away the unwelcome presence of the black dog. 

While I was doing these activities, I was oblivious of nearly everything around me and that was the whole purpose behind the exercise because I didn't want to be aware of my surroundings. I was tuning out everything as much as possible and it didn't take a lot of effort. Sometimes I'm very good at ignoring the things that need attention in my life, especially when under the influence of tranquilizers. At least I didn't completely neglect the dog.

It took me a while to get the blogs to look right and I switched things around quite a few times before I was satisfied. Now everything is in the abstract and it has meaning only to me. It doesn't matter as long as I understand it. You'll have to bear with me while I do and you don't. Maybe I'll explain it to you one day when I'm not so tired. I've just made some coffee so that I will perk up again a little bit. Watch me climb in the saddle again any moment now. 

I didn't realize how worn out I was until just now. I've been going nonstop all day. After I'm done writing this, I will put on my pajamas and go straight to bed. I won't even stay up to watch the thriller that's going to be on. They'll have to solve their case without me tonight. 

I'm so tired that I can't even tell you what mood I'm in. There must have been a reason for all my mad activity today. If you get exhausted enough you have no energy left to figure out your state of mind. You're just tired. I have to plan my day differently tomorrow and add in some periods of rest and meditation. I've had no moment to think straight today or to cuddle with the dog. 

He's had to entertain himself with the cat who doesn't mind that one bit. She was especially loving today and seeking attention and there was a lot of mutual nose rubbing going on on the dining table where they watched the world go by. That didn't escape my attention. 

I feel like I've been on a long journey and I'm now coming home. I've been far away all the way to the edge of my world and back again. I've not been in touch with reality and the home front. Hopefully this journey has helped me get back to normal. I'll know after I've been asleep. 

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,

Nora

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Slow motion...

It's truly in the middle of the night, there's no doubt about it. It's not even close to dawn. In a way that's good because it will allow me enough time to go back to bed and sleep long enough before the Exfactor gets here. I won't be completely befuddled when he gets here, although it doesn't matter so much in his case if I am. He is very patient with me and allows me time to wake up properly without me having to be all artificially cheerful. It's a much kinder process of waking up. 

I will try to be up on time before he gets here anyway and have the coffee ready. We are both always ready for a cup because a lot of times the Exfactor only drinks tea in the morning at his place and I'm convinced that it doesn't give him a proper start to the day. He really seems to come alive after he's had a cup of coffee here. That's because he drinks things like mint tea with sugar which leave him dopey. 

I'm drinking coffee now in an attempt not to be too sleepy headed and to be able to finish this post before I go back to bed. I've made just a little pot of it so I won't drink too much. There is always cold milk. I do need something to keep the slumber at bay for now. I would fall instantly asleep behind the keyboard if I didn't. It wouldn't do to have a row of letters imprinted on my forehead. 

It's not bad being in this half awake state. It's actually kind of pleasant. I feel as though I'm slightly drugged and better able to express my feelings, although they are all tenuous and hardly of any consequence at all. They are strictly nighttime feelings of made of ethereal stuff. Like fluffs of stardust and just as lightweight. There's not a heavyweight thought among them. 

I would always like to exist in this state of mind, somewhere in limbo I suppose. Neither here nor there. Somewhat approachable yet not quite present in my own elusive way; in a dreamy state of mind. It's a much more relaxed way of being.

I can't keep existing here. Reality pulls me back and has me return to the present situation which is that I'll have to go back to bed and finish sleeping. Besides, the dog wants impossible things from me that I don't know how to fulfill. He's been out back and he's had a snack. I don't know what else to do. There's little escapism when you get right down to it. It's all of momentary nature. 

Right, I'm off to bed to sleep some more and perchance to dream. I actually have no doubt about that. I always do the second time around and the most interesting things too. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

A repeat performance...

It's in the middle of the night of Thursday going on Friday. Actually, it's officially Friday already, so I will stick to that. It's a much more optimistic point of view. The fact is that I like it being Friday instead of Thursday because it's almost the weekend. I will do a few chores in the morning before the domestic help gets here and then I will be home free. And then, ha ha (laughing wickedly), I will have the weekend all to myself to do with as I please. 

No doubt I'll fill it with all sorts of interesting things to do such as take naps and watch TV and walk the dog and sit and meditate in my armchair. That is if everything goes well. If I can sustain the mood I'm in. That's the crucial ingredient. I must be well tempered. That means keeping my mood as balanced as I can get.

At least I can treat myself to a pleasant night sat behind the computer with a nice cup of coffee. That's one way to get into a good mood. Nobody can take that away from me. I will have the agreeable experience of it and I'm enjoying that a lot. 

There's no real reason why I should enjoy it this night more than others, because I do enjoy them regularly anyway. Except last night when I was in a minor mood and nothing came of writing a post, but there have to be exceptions to the rule.

There's no need to over analyze this. Everybody has their ups and downs and I'm no different. Some nights you are full of goodwill and some nights you had better go back to bed, even if it means having a somewhat sleepless night until the morning when you properly fall asleep. 

It's with some amount of contentment that I sit here now and write down whatever enters my head, although I do try to make rhyme and reason of it. I don't want to sound completely like a ship set adrift. I do want to make some sense. 

No doubt the coffee is keeping me on the straight and narrow. It does have the tendency to keep my mind focused. At least it prevents me from drifting away from the subject at hand too much. 

But what was the subject at hand? It seems to me that I had not quite chosen one. I think I was just rambling on in a general sort of way and was not really focused on anything in specific. Maybe it's impossible for me to do that right now. There's nothing really pressing on my mind.

All I know is that I have to do the dishes this morning and do a load of laundry and dry it outside on the clothes lines. That will give me a good reason to change the bed again tonight and I can't do that often enough for my taste. The weather is going to be beautiful today and there will be no excuse not to hang the laundry outside. It should be dry in no time because it will be most pleasant out there.

Those are the calls of duty which I'm at liberty to ignore right now because it's not the right time to give heed to them. I've got some sleeping left to do first. It's with some reluctance that I'm going to go back to bed because I'm not nearly ready to. 

It's too bad that reality always creeps into your middle of the night musings. It's that sense of responsibility that calls you back to order. It's too bad that it's so exaggerated. I wish I had a little less of it. 

If you're still up, I hope you're having a good evening. If you're asleep, I hope you'll have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Being perfectly normal early in the morning...

Being perfectly normal doesn't happen very often anymore, so I do have to give it a special mention. Besides, I don't know how long the feeling is going to last. It may be very fleeting, but I hope it is solidly settled into my psyche for the rest of the day. I certainly welcome it and am very happy with it. It's been a long time since I have felt this way. 

I never know what ingredients make up the feeling and I hope to keep getting them right as I guess at them. I'm drinking coffee and have read other people's blog posts. They were for the most part cheerful, even the ones that were more introspective. Maybe that was just the take I had on them from my own point of view which is more rose colored. 

I've had at least 5 hours of sleep, that's pretty good by my standards. I had a very nice phone conversation with my daughter last night. I think that put some weight into the balance. It was about a positive subject and one I could advise her on using all my maternal instincts which are intact and alive and well. You never do stop being good at that, do you? It doesn't matter what age you are or what age your daughter is.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist today for the second time this week and I'm going to set something straight which has been bothering me very much. It's a problem I had which I've since resolved and I want to help it out of this world and never talk about it again. It's an embarrassment to me now to even think about it. I will make short shrift of it. It's a reflection of how low I can get and had gotten. 

Being sound of mind has improved my point of view of life in general and my life in specific and suddenly everything looks a lot brighter than it did. All the little details that seemed so complicated now all look resolvable. I can't say that the world's problems seem less big by comparison, but I'm less burdened by them, if only in the smallest degree. Maybe my shoulders have become a bit stronger. 

I've always remained a realist about them anyway and never did think there was an easy solution or a solution at all. It's easier to look at my own life and take care of the details there. All I can do is manage my own life well. 

It's with some amount of relief that I start the day. Feeling unburdened for the most part has improved the way I'll enter the fray. It's not much of a fray anyway. At least, I don't look at it that way. Except for some minor complications, it all seems rather simple. All I have to do is stay as honest and as upfront as I can be and do my best. With a little bit of goodwill and a continuing good outlook, I ought to be able to do that.

And I still say, thank god it's Friday. The week has lasted long enough and it has been intense enough with lots of conflicting emotions that I'm more than ready for two days of nothingness. Of only watching cultural television and walking the dog and taking naps. And worrying about nothing else but which clothes I'm going to wear depending on the weather. That's as complicated as it's going to get. That's just about the level of excitement I'm willing to handle. 

No doubt I'll find some interesting elements to add to the mixture as I go along. One thing I have thought is that maybe I'm not really enjoying the book I'm reading and that I ought to start reading a different one, although I'm always loathe to leave a book unfinished. This one is not grabbing me, though. I don't really care enough about how it's going to end and I have been uninterested in reading it. I'm two thirds of the way through it and, although I like the characters, I don't care what happens to them. So I may be looking for a different book. 

I've got to take my medicines and check my emails. It's not quite time to get the day started. It is rather early still. I'll have to do some chores because the domestic help is going to be here today and I don't want her to walk into a messy apartment. I do still have my housewifely pride. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Late in the evening...

I've already dozed in bed, really planning on going to sleep early, but it didn't quite work out that way. I guess I wasn't tired enough. I was  toasty warm, though. I had on my flannel pajamas and my socks, so no part of me was cold, because it was cool in the bedroom and beneath the duvet. The warmth of the near summer weather hasn't penetrated the bedroom yet and it is still a very cool location in the apartment.

I listened to the birds twitter their evening song and thought about having a CD of that and listening to it at will and how cheerful that would make me. Or their morning song, of course. I would listen to it at whatever time in the morning I woke up and start my day that way. I think that would be mighty pleasant. Of course, if I didn't sleep so soundly and turned off the radio, I might hear them for real, especially now that I have the bedroom window open again. 

The best place to hear them would be in the middle of a forest. That would be a joy. You forsake a lot by living in suburbia, except that there's the convenience of living close to the services you need. I don't feel that I'm in touch with nature, though. I feel far removed from it here in my stone and cement and asphalt world. The gardens and the greenery only provide some relief. I often wish I lived in the countryside, but because I have no car, it would be problematic for me. It would be hard to get around. 

You must accept your fate in life and accept the situation you're in and make the best of it. Especially if your means to change it are very limited. You can't have all sorts of fantasies that you can't make come true and frustrate yourself with them. You have to find a form of acceptance and the peace inside yourself to live with it. It means you have to face up to a huge amount of realism and come to grips with it. Maybe that's a lesson I should have learned earlier in my life, although I thought at one time that I had, but circumstances change beyond your control and you become undone. 

I don't want anything to come along to upset my equilibrium and maybe that's what the presence of my ex-husband did. That's why it's taking me such a long time to settle back into my normal life. Slowly but surely I am and I want to be left alone now. I don't want any more disturbance and upset. I have to fit back into my life like I did before and I don't want anyone to come along to make me doubt my choices or my satisfaction with them. It's all very tender and fragile and made up of gossamer threads.

It's time for me to be thinking about going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep well this time and not merely doze. At least I got some things off my mind, that's a relief. 

I hope you all had a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 

Ciao,

Nora

Exist only here...

I'm existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I'm really not properly awake. I've decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don't want anything to come along and burst my bubble.

In order to make this feeling last, I've just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don't want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there... So help me God. 

My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn't told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven't had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.

When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister's house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to. 

I let my sister know last night that I didn't want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I'm so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn't have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I've always done. I've never had 'the' confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left

On top of everything, the 16th is our late son's birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don't need any extra stress on top of it.

Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won't it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Nightly mishaps...

I really need one more cup of coffee before I start writing this and I will take care of that shortly. It ought to get me in the proper mood to turn out some good prose. I'm still a bit struck by sleep and I'm not sure if I should have gotten up already. I thought I was awake when I opened my eyes, but it may have been a miscalculation. 

Any moment now the caffeine is going to do its job and jolt my brain into alertness and I will be right as rain. I will be better than that, I will be great. Not that I will have delusions of grandeur, I won't be as bad as all that. I will just feel terrific because I always do when I get a caffeine high.

If I ever got stranded on a deserted island, I would have to have coffee and cigarettes with me. On the other hand, it might be a chance to get over my addictions for good. I would have to live on the fruits of the land and the sea and I would hope to get stranded on a bountiful island. God only knows how healthy I'd get. 

I think the caffeine I've consumed in the meantime has done its job. I've sat here and had a huge fantasy about that deserted island. I feel wide awake and very alert. All the gears in my head are working faultlessly. If I ever were to become a writer of literature, I would have to do all my work very early in the morning when everybody else was still asleep. I'd have to drink a lot of coffee and smoke lots of cigarettes and take advantage of my most productive hours.

Those certainly aren't during the day when I don't get much of anything done. Well yes, with a little bit of luck I get my chores done, but that's not very imaginative. Anybody can do that.

Well, so much for that temporary high of the coffee. It didn't last and I've come back down to earth. Now I'm just an ordinary mortal like everybody else. My head's readjusted itself again and I'm no longer existing in higher spheres. It was too much of a good thing anyway and this state of being is much more realistic. Being high on caffeine is a very artificial way to get in touch with your imagination. It's a lot of hot air that you spout.

I'm glad that I'm myself again because I didn't know what to do with myself the way I was. I think I was running a little bit rampant, especially if you could have seen where those fantasies about the deserted island took me. I had an earthquake and a tsunami all built in and a high hill to flee to. And a broken down and sodden encampment on the beach. 

I'm drinking my second tall glass of cold lemonade. That's better than drinking more coffee. I do have to keep an eye on that and not let myself be seduced by the immediate effects of the caffeine. It has just as much allure as alcohol does. I get a kick out of it. 

I finally got around to changing the sheets on my bed last night before I went to sleep. I never did get around to that this weekend. I put on clean pajamas and was asleep five minutes after I laid down. Gandhi slept on my stomach and was still there when I woke up. She always thinks my stomach is the best place to lie down on because it's like a cushion. She kneads it like it's a ball of dough. Luckily, she doesn't use her nails. She's a kind and considerate cat. 

I will think about going back to bed for awhile. This morning the Exfactor is going to be here to do the groceries, but I have lots of time before he gets here. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and after that one with my SPN. I'll have to go to the pharmacy after that and that will take care of my afternoon. It's supposed to be 17C today (62F) and the sun is going to shine. I may not have to wear my scarf. It will be the first time. 

Have a good day, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora