Saturday, August 27, 2011

Repeat performances...

It was another tough day fighting with 'the black dog,' but now that it's nighttime I'm doing a lot better. I think it's because I've taken the tranquilizers and the sleeping pill and, although they don't always put me to sleep, they sure help me feel more upbeat.

I'm allowed to take tranquilizers during the day also, but I've been reluctant to do this. I don't know if there's something convoluted in my reasoning because right now it seems like a very logical thing to do. They take away so much of the heartache. But during the day I sit and suffer and refuse to take them. 

I may have to rethink this in the morning. Maybe I will be more fit for reason then and see the sensibility of taking them. They really do make a difference and make my life much easier. They eliminate many negative thoughts that I have a tendency to have now and that all have to do with my past. Thoughts that are totally useless to have because they are about issues that I've already dealt with. 

In a way it's like my mind wants to torture me and show me pictures of the things I want to least look at and that I have no good reason to. They serve no purpose whatsoever and when I take the tranquilizers, I'm almost immediately relieved of them. You can imagine that this is a very welcome break.

These sort of unpleasant side effects all come with 'the black dog.' There's a whole litany of them and they are as predictable as all symptoms are that come with this disease. I do and don't do the things that are typical for any person suffering from a depression. I'm a textbook case.

Everything isn't perfect right now, but I can forget a few things at this precious moment because all I have to do after this is go to bed. I won't have to think about anything complicated for a while until morning comes. I can forget that the whole world and all of its difficulties exist, including my own part in it.

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a great weekend. 



Connie Rose said...

Oh sweetie, I hope things level out for you soon. I can only imagine how difficult it might be for you. Hope you have a peaceful weekend. xox

Maggie May said...

The horrible thoughts & memories are usually buried in your brain. It is that blasted disease that regurgitates them.
If I had to choose between peace at night or peace during the day, I think I would choose to be sedated at night.It must be lonely feeling like that at night.

Hoping the bad patch will burn itself out pretty soon.
Also hoping you will find something soothing and calming during the day and that you will find it goes well.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Wisewebwoman said...

I hope the BD gets bored soon enough and wanders away, it is so difficult to co-habit with the creature, try not to feed him and take your meds.
This too shall pass.

CAMILLA said...

Hello Nora,

I have just left you a message on your previous posts. Came to your post through a friend of mine Frances in NY.

Have a peaceful weekend Nora, do hope things pan out better for you very soon.

VioletSky said...

Hope you have a peaceful sleep and awake refreshed and black dogless. It makes sense to me to try to get through the daytime without taking them, but at night, I would take anything to help ease my thoughts.