Saturday, November 6, 2010

An especially slow start.

I can't seem to wake up today. I've tried it several times now and each time I have to go back to sleep. I don't know how much the rainy weather plays a role in this. It did make me feel like I was held captive in the apartment. Not that I minded that very much. It was quite cozy inside. At one point I slept on the sofa, in my bathrobe with my slippers on, in the company of Tyke and Gandhi. All of us just fit. We were all scrunched together.

A great tiredness lies over me. All I want to do is lie down places in my bathrobe and not move from there. I think it is a way of avoiding things I do not want to do. Instead of going out there in the big bad world, I hole up in here and play it safe. It's a survival tactic that I have when things get too scary for me. I better cancel today and pretend I don't have to do anything, otherwise I'm going to have a panic attack and I'll be in real trouble. Maybe I'll be able to get dressed. That will be something anyway.

Now that I've admitted to that, I'm having a panic attack, of course, and I've had to sit here for a while and try to suppress it. I've taken my tranquilizers in the hope that they will work soon.

My daughter sent me images just a while ago of our old house that we were most happy in through Google maps. It showed the house and the street. I think this got to me more than I realized, because I dream about that house several times a month. I have a horrible ache in my chest and a lump in my throat. I didn't want to move from that house, but was practically forced to, because my husband at the time wanted to make a promotion far away. 

I'm calming down now. The tranquilizers are working. It's hard to be confronted with your past. Especially when you think you've closed the book on it. Well, except for in your dreams. I suppose it's always there in my subconscious. Living and breathing its own life. There's a lot of grief there and it is all unresolved. 

I'm going to lie down now. I feel worn out. Like I've been put through the wringer. I must find some peace and quiet. 



Nedine Says said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nedine Says said...

Nora, I don't know if this would be something you might consider doing. I love looking at photos of foreign countries, foreign being anything that isn't my own town I guess. I really enjoyed seeing your apartment photos a while back. they looked exactly like some of the homes I had seen in Sweden . Colorful, clean lines and lots of sunlight. Would you ever consider taking some photos of your walks with Tyke. I don't mean anything that would be too personal just some of the things that you see in your walks. Just a thought. Peace, Nedine.

Nora said...

Hi Nedine, that actually sounds like a good idea and something I may consider doing. I'll have to install my camera software on this computer. Since I have Ubuntu, I haven't done that yet. Let me see how that works out, okay? Thanks for the suggestion.

Twain12 said...

i'm sorry those memories wached over you and i know sometimes they hit us unexpected...i hope you feel a little better now

Maggie May said...

Sorry to hear about the rising panic. I hope you feel calmer by the time you read this comment.
I think Nedine's suggestion is very good. How about trying it? You could take pictures of tree trunk patterns or anything that makes a good picture. No need to show whole streets.
Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully you will feel a new person!
Nit nite!
Maggie X

Bernie said...

I am sorry you were experiencing panic, that is a horrible feeling. I didn't have a great week either but things seem to be sorted now and I am looking forward to a good week as we are going to the mountains (as long as it doesn't snow and the roads are good) sending big hugs...:-)

Wisewebwoman said...

We are never prepared for a memory onslaught, it happens so suddenly and shockingly.
I had a similar experience today that I wrote about.
I hope you're calmer now, and can get with a 'real' day tomorrow. Or not. Mistress of your own domain.

Lane said...

That was a tough day.

I hope today is much better for you. x