Friday, November 19, 2010

Leather boots?

It is early in the evening and I woke up a while ago from a long nap in my bed. I took my one and only tranquilizer that I now take during the day this afternoon, and as a result I got very sleepy and couldn't stay awake. So this is the amount of sleepiness that I had been fighting three times a day, every day. 

It's a good thing that I finally started to question that and that I no longer blamed it on the amount of sleep that I got at night. I was putting things in the wrong order. It wasn't because I didn't get enough sleep during the night that I was sleepy during the day. It was because I was so sleepy during the day that I didn't get enough sleep during the night. I hope that makes sense, because it does to me. It was like putting the wagon in front of the horse.

Anyway, I am doing this with the blessing of my psychiatrist, so that is good. I've learned not to do anything with my medicines without first consulting my psychiatrist. I do have to trust him in this area of expertise and not think I know it all. I've had the tendency to think that I know it better, but I really do have to learn to trust somebody else when it comes to these things. 

I have this stubborn streak in me that makes me want to figure out things on my own and it just isn't necessary. I have to learn to trust other people and their knowledge. I guess I didn't learn that when I was a kid or in another period of my life. It is possible that I have been around a lot of incompetent people. Or people that weren't trustworthy. I suppose I haven't felt safe enough before.

Well, after that statement I hardly know what to write, because it put me on a whole different train of thought far, far away. I will try and come back to the reality of today and rejoin the present human race. 

I always think of all these humans racing around doing their jobs and chores and activities, trying to keep up with themselves and each other, one even crazier than the other, all in the human race for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that's as elusive as the rainbow itself.

But that's just an aside, I don't have all the answers either. I used to reach for the rainbow myself. I was chasing that pot of gold as fervently as the next person.

Enough already with the memories! This is not the time or place for them. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's a better place to be. It must be possible to write a post without daydreaming and sinking away into memories of a long ago life. Why do they hit me so much when I write a post? Is it because I refer to something? Is it that simple? 

It's a long time ago since I've done as much daydreaming as I do now. I used to do it all the time and think of it as a normal part of me, but I've very much rejected it as an unhealthy exercise. Now it seems to happen constantly, even when I'm preoccupied with something else. 

I started reading again today and I do notice that if I pay attention well enough to what I read, I don't daydream, but the book really has to capture my imagination. I'm reading a novel by Doris Lessing and her writing is so good that it does. 

It seems that I can drink fruit juice again. I had some this morning and it agreed with me and I'm having some right now without any problems really. I'll have to wait and see what happens during the night, but it would be nice if I could drink it again instead of all the milk that I drink. I do need some other vitamins too and it is thirst quenching.

It's not early in the evening anymore. I've wasted a lot of time. I'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe. I can stay up late, though, because it's the weekend.



Maggie May said...

I day dream too! Doesn't everyone?
I think its very healthy to live in the present though & enjoy what you can.
Sometimes we delve into things too deeply...... though I am guilty of this.

I am going to have a shower & put on night attire now & sit downstairs feeling cosy with my rabbits!
Have a good night.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Wisewebwoman said...

Daydreams are very soothing, I lay on the couch in front of the fire and thought of all the characters in my new play and almost willed them to life around me.
It is a good life, the interior life, enjoy it my dear.

Jocelyn said...

Your new acceptance that it's okay--necessary even--to listen to outside, objective opinions is very healthy. At some point, stubborness is more an issue of control than wellbeing, so it's good to concede that others might be able to read the situation! Well done.