Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Daisies and cravings...

All this talk about rain in the forecast turned out to be a lot of poppycock. I think it drizzled one night. Tonight is a perfectly clear night and today is going to be a bright, sunshiny day. Showers had been predicted and nothing came of them at all. I could easily have hung up the laundry to dry outside.

At least the temperatures are nice for the time of year and that is most pleasant. You could say that we're having an Indian summer in November, although it is not as hot as all that. But sitting sheltered in the sun it feels warm and there are still kids playing outside without their jackets on.

There are a lot of perky daisies blooming in the fields right now despite the fact that the grass has been cut not too long ago. I always thought that daisies were little flowers, but since I have my varifocals. I'm surprised at the true size of them. There are also some dandelions still and some of the rosebushes in the communal flowerbeds are still blooming. They are a creamy yellow color. 

If you have a good look around, there's still enough to see. It's remembering to look that's the hard part. I'm always so busy paying attention to the dog when we walk, that sometimes I don't pay attention to my surroundings. I forget to look in people's gardens, while that is where the most interesting things are happening. I must try to pay better attention to the gardens today. 

I'm having a terrible craving for vanilla ice cream, so I will have to drink a glass of ice cold milk. The creamy yellow color of the roses made me think of vanilla pudding in it's purest form and that led to ice cream because I'm craving something smooth and cold. The Exfactor offered to buy me some when he last did the groceries, but I turned the offer down. I was afraid that I was going to eat it all at once, but now I wish I had some. 

But it would make me gain a kilo, so it's a good thing that I don't have any at all. It's the best solution.

Besides, I can be talked out of any kind of food if I have a glass of ice cold milk. It usually takes care of whatever craving I have. The whole trick is not to have those kinds of foods in the house in the first place. Luckily, I normally only have cravings during the night and not when I make the shopping list.

It's time for me to go to bed. Hopefully, when I next wake up it will be morning. There will be cultural programs on TV and then lots of sports. Speed skating I hope, although a bit of football will be alright too.

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

For the sake of a cup of coffee...

It was a peaceful Saturday and it went by quickly. It's already evening and it's starting to get dark outside. No doubt that is partially due to the rain clouds that have moved in. 

It's supposed to rain a little during the night, but you won't hear me complain about that. I like a little rain now and then, especially when I'm lying in bed and I can listen to it through the open window. 

The wind has picked up and there's a nice draft blowing through the apartment.  The wind is coming from the west and that's where our weather is coming from. It's from England, so whatever kind of weather they had, we are getting next. In the fall, that usually means rainy and windy weather. 

I just walked the dog and I do have to remember that a brisk walk energizes me.  I felt better when we got back to the apartment than before we left and whatever cobwebs were in my head, were completely blown away. 

We had walked quickly because the dog was in a hurry the whole way. Sometimes he gets that way and he acts like he's chasing something. I have a hard time keeping up with him because he hardly dallies anywhere. We just go. He leads and I follow. It's like a slapstick movie. 

But it does energize me and I always feel good afterwards and I think what a lot of good exercise does and that I really should get more of it. Then I remember that I'm physically too lazy and that I like sitting in my armchair. I exercise my arm by drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of milk. 

I changed my bed and celebrated it by taking a nap in it this afternoon. I do need to recharge my batteries regularly. All the mental activity that I engage in wears me out. I live in my head too much. A nap is a break from my own thoughts. 

I'm caught up on all my chores and the apartment is amazingly clean and organized. I've got to hang up a load of laundry to dry in a little while. The washing machine just got done. Hanging up laundry is one of my favorite things to do.

The dog thinks he wants to go out again and maybe for the sake of the exercise I should take him. I think I will wait until it's bedtime and make sure he's all set for the night.

I've got to watch the news and be informed about the world. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

My pesky dog...

It's in the very early hours of Saturday morning and my dog is being a pain in the neck. I don't know what he wants and so far I've given him a milk bone and a rawhide chewy but still he's not happy and keeps pestering me. He's already been out back, but it is possible that he needs to go there again. It will be with great reluctance that I get up and try that again. I never know how quickly I can get him back inside. Maybe I best ignore him. 

That's not at all how I wanted to start of this post. I wanted it to have a serene beginning and not a frustrated one. Now I feel that I have to start all over and get into the proper mood. It's hard when a pup is begging by your side for I know not what. I'll have to figure out a way to find my equilibrium and peacefulness in spite of him and hope he goes to lie down by my feet and falls asleep soon...he has just done that, so there is hope for me yet.

I do have to get up and get myself a cup of coffee because I'm thirsty and in need of some caffeine. I hope I don't upset the careful balance we've achieved. I've already had to make cigarettes and frustrated the dog because I wouldn't let him on the dining table. I didn't want him looking out the window in the middle of the night where he would see imaginary danger and start to bark. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. Yes, my dog comes with an instruction booklet too. It has to be applied on a daily basis. 

Since today is Saturday, it is my day off, but I do have to hang another load of laundry to dry outside. Yesterday's load  was dry in no time at all and I've got very clean smelling sheets and pillowcases. Today I'll be hanging up a load of clothes and it will be nice to have them smelling equally good. I have to take advantage of this weekend's weather to do as much laundry as I can, because on Monday it may rain, so I thought I'd dive into my closet and pull out some clothes to wash. 

We're having a bit of a heatwave this weekend and today the temperature is going to be 28C, which is unheard of for the time of year. I'm not complaining and in the apartment it is still relatively cool, especially the back of it where it will be nice to go lie down for a nap in the afternoon. I'm already looking forward to the day and can't wait for the warm sunshine to walk the dog in. As long as it doesn't get too hot, I'll be alright, if dressed appropriately. I'm sure I'll find something that's just right. 

I'm expecting the Exfactor in the morning who's going to bring me some cat food that I'm almost out of. I had forgotten to put it on the grocery list on Tuesday. The cat does eat a lot, although she doesn't get any fatter. She's a slim cat and dainty. She does beg by her bowl for food every day and will even eat dog food if I don't fill her bowl on time. That is, if the dog lets her because he can be quite moody about that. Some days he cares more than others. 

It's with some amount of relief that I'm going back to bed in a little while because I haven't slept enough yet. I'm yawning and looking forward to going back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. 

I've got to make an appointment with my hairdresser soon. My hair is out of control and I can't do a thing with it. It is too long. I'll call today, but I'm sure I won't be able to get in today. It will probably be sometime next week. You always quite suddenly have desperate hair from one day to the next. With me it happened yesterday. I washed it and it went flat and unmanageable. I look like a hillbilly. 

I'm off. I hope you'll all have a good Saturday no matter what your weather is like, but I wish you lots of sunshine. 

Ciao,

Nora

If I go slowly, I will surely get there...

If I start writing this post slowly now and take my time, it will be tomorrow by the time I'm done. All I have to do is not be in a rush and I really do think that's the most comfortable way to write anyway. Since I seldom consciously allow myself that luxury, I will take full advantage of it and go as slowly as I can. I will even repeat myself if that is necessary to prolong the process. In the meantime, I will make myself some coffee to make the whole experience as holistic as possible. 

I should find some food to eat too, but I will postpone that for a while. It is hard to eat and write at the same time, besides that, you get crumbs in the keyboard. My domestic help is good about getting those out, but I'm afraid that in her enthusiasm she will one day shake loose the keys. 

I have already slept, having gone to bed early, but it was inevitable that I'd wake up again after a few hours. I will go back to sleep eventually, but not until I've gone through the lengthy process of getting into the proper mood again. I've got to get to the point that I'll look forward to going to bed and that it's the only place where I want to be. Luckily, I'm already yawning, so hopefully it won't take too long. 

I stood by the back door a while ago to let out the dog and inhaled the fresh night air and now the smell of it is embedded in my system. It's like it's penetrated my pajamas because I keep smelling it, but I'm sure it's just my imagination. It's  as if I've got freshly laundered clothes on and I've been washed in spring rain. It's very pleasant and all I can think is that it must be an imaginary olfactory experience I'm having.  I'm sure I don't really smell like this. And by the way, no washing powder or shower gel comes close to smelling this way. 

The wind has stopped blowing so hard. It was a cold wind that was blowing from the north east and it is slowly going to start blowing from the south which will make things warmer by the weekend. I'm looking forward to that. It does mean that I can hang the laundry outside to dry because there is no rain in the forecast. Things should dry pretty quickly. 

I've got groceries in the house again because the Exfactor did them yesterday. I was completely out of milk and to me that is very serious. That means I can't drink tall glasses of it and I have to put powdered creamer in my coffee. I still had other supplies so I wasn't completely destitute. There was enough left to eat. I suppose I care most about the milk. I forgot to ask the Exfactor to buy some ice cream, so It mustn't have been very important. I'll try to remember next time because in the middle of the night like this, I feel like having a bowl of it. 

I just had a bowl of chocolate pudding and that prevented me from getting any crumbs into the keyboard. It was very good and filling. I forgot all about having that in the refrigerator. There's nothing like sleeping on a full stomach, so I suppose I should think about going to bed. It is tomorrow now, after all. 

I hope you'll all sleep tightly.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbelievable...

I actually managed to sleep through the night. This in spite of the fact that I went to bed relatively early. I'm thoroughly amazed at myself and can't believe I did it, but it goes to show you that with a little bit of goodwill I can. I'm ever so grateful that I did because I needed a normal night's sleep. I haven't had one of those in a while. I'm ready to face the day now and I can't always say that when I wake up in the morning. Usually, I have to go back to bed.

The early birds are singing and it gives the morning a cheerful feeling. These birds are anticipating the sunrise which won't happen for another 45 minutes. There is rain in the forecast for this morning and it won't be very warm either, so I will have to wear some totally different clothes than I did yesterday when it was still sunny. That's okay, I don't mind raiding my closet. As a matter of fact, I enjoy doing it. There's always something there to wear that I'm in the mood for.

This morning my personal helper is going to be here and I saved the dishes especially for that occasion. I figured, we needed something to do together besides sit here and talk. It's better than doing the dishes on my own, anyway. I wish there were more jobs we could do together, but she's no help at all when it comes to hanging up the laundry which I need to do also. She hangs it up in the most impractical way.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, but I didn't get to see my SPN because she was sick. I got some relief from seeing my psychiatrist, but not the kind of relief I would have had if I had seen my SPN also. I can't say that I'm out of the woods yet. 

Actually, It's not a subject I want to discuss because I don't like the way it makes me feel, which is angry and frustrated. With myself, most likely. 

I hope you all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Reclaiming my space...

I thought I would go to bed early, but it didn't work out. I laid there in the semi dark frustratingly awake, while I was willing myself to go to sleep. My head couldn't handle these two conflicting messages and became confused and then the dog started to bark. 

That's when I got up and turned on the computer. What else is there to do? I've also made a pot of coffee, of course. I will be up for a couple of hours.  I'm yawning and slightly sleepy headed, but in a very pleasant way. I'm mellow and good natured. My feet are slightly cold, but the rest of me is toasty warm in my bathrobe.

I have the heater turned off and the bedroom window open. I figure it's springtime now and that's how it should be, even at night. It took a while for me to get warm in my bed, especially my feet, but I was warm enough by the time I got up again. 

It was so early when I went to bed, that I heard the birds sing their evening song through the open window. It was a pleasure to listen to. There is one bird in particular that has quite a repertoire. I heard it last year too and in the morning, but was unable to identify it, even when I went to the site of European songbirds and listened to all the different songs. 

I did the dishes today and all the laundry, but unfortunately was unable to hang any of the laundry outside to dry because of the rain. I at least want to hang the sheets and pillow cases outside to dry because it such a pleasure to have them on my bed when I change it. I would change the bed even more often if the linens had been dried outside. 

The stack of dishes didn't turn out to be such a horrible job. I first soaked them in a sink with hot soapy water while I had a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Then I tackled them with a scrub sponge and got them sparkling clean. I rinsed them and let them air dry and then put them away when I was in the mood for it. I made it as easy on myself as I could.

I washed the blanket that is always on my bed and it is amazing what a difference it makes. The animals always sleep on it and after I have washed it, it always looks fresh and brightly colored again. I really do get some satisfaction for my efforts. I use a very ordinary washing powder that came out best in the tests and that the Exfactor gets for me especially at the store he shops at.

I walked the dog in the rain. It wasn't cold out and I decided that a little bit of water wasn't going to hurt us. It didn't come pouring down. We got a little damp and Tyke's fur got curlier. I wish I could say the same for my hair. It only got stiff from the hairspray in it. I didn't get any curls, much as I would like them. 

The  rain must have released all sorts of smells because Tyke took a long time sniffing in all sorts of spots and was very difficult to move along. He stuck his nose into the grass very deeply and inhaled and kept inhaling. I thought he was going to have dandelions and daisies stuck up his nose. 

Now will be a good time to sit in my armchair and read my book for a while until I get tired. I'm more than halfway through it and it's getting very interesting after we have gotten through all the preliminaries. The net is being tightened. The possible subjects are being lined up and there are many clues. I like the role Havers plays in all of this. She does good detective work. 

I hope you all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

It's that time of the morning again...

It's very early in the morning. If I had chickens, they would still be roosting and the rooster wouldn't have crowed yet. If he had, he would have done so prematurely and I would have wrung his neck. Of course, if I had chickens, that would mean I lived out in the countryside and it wouldn't matter if the rooster crowed prematurely. I wouldn't have to worry about my neighbors.

That must be the place where I'm supposed to live then. On a farm with a couple of acres of ground where the dog could bark whenever he felt like it. That would be a major relief. I would feel like I could make noise and not quietly move around the apartment. There's a lot of stress that goes into living on top of each other in town along with the loss of privacy. I crave more space. Emotional as well as physical. 

I have to call myself back to order because in my mind I was all ready having big thoughts about living in the countryside and imagining a house there with a big garden and a meadow for the dog to romp around in. It's not going to happen and I have to accept my situation the way it is now, unless I win mega bucks in the lottery and that's a big daydream also. You must always stay in touch with reality and make the best of it. 

It is Sunday and the day to do the dishes. That's one of the jobs I have to do today. I have enough not to ignore them any longer. I have completely run out of spoons and soup bowls and there are enough glasses to wash also. At least part of the laundry will be dry and I'll take it down and fold it and try to hang up as much as I can of the next load. 

I can't dry the laundry outside because it's supposed to rain today, even though the laundry smells best when it's dried outside on the line. I slept on some pillow cases that had been dried outside and they sure smelled nice. They helped me fall asleep quickly. With a little bit of luck, I'll be able to dry the laundry outside a lot in the near future.

I think I will sit down in my armchair for a while and read my book before I go back to bed for some more sleep. It's the early hours in the morning that are the coziest and when I feel most like reading. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal...

It's early in the morning and I'm very pleasantly sitting here with my second cup of coffee by the light of the desk lamp and the computer monitor. I can take my time writing this, because I'm not going back to bed like I usually do. I have an appointment to see my hairdresser at 10 o'clock, so I will stay up. I will be too muddle headed if I go back to bed and try to get up on time the second time around. It would take numerous cups of coffee to get me into good enough shape and dressed and ready to go. 

I have been feeling good since yesterday afternoon and I can say with enough certainty that I'm back to normal. I reduced my anti-psychotics to the original dose, because the higher dose was making me feel moody and I'm in a much better frame of mind now. I suppose the higher dose was okay for a little while, but not to continue on. These things need to be carefully tuned. What works well one day doesn't work the next. My moods do change, after all. I don't stay euphoric or dysphoric for a long time. They are not endless cycles. 

The beginning of the day yesterday was only slightly pleasant, but it ended nicely as I started feeling better and Tyke got an extra walk when I got back to normal. That was a nice benefit for him and me. I did feel like being out there in the cold and breathing in the fresh evening air an extra time. 

I didn't get a heck of a lot accomplished, but I didn't worry about that. There wasn't that much to do that was pressing so I could take it easy. Today I will get caught up on whatever wasn't done yesterday. The laundry is dry and I can think about putting clean sheets on the bed again. 

Last night I stayed up and watched an Inspector Linley Mystery. I was very cozily sitting in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me and Gandhi on my lap. I do love English detective series and stay up late especially to watch them, even if it is past my bedtime. I ate a bowl of yogurt, though it wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was younger and the yogurt was so much thicker and creamier. Still, it was refreshing and filling enough.

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut. It will be nice to have manageable hair again. The Exfactor is also going to be here today for a cup of coffee. That and going to the hairdresser will be pleasant breaks in the day.

I don't really have that much to say this morning. I thought I was full of words, but it turns out not to be the case. Well, that will have to do then. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

In the long run...

I slept a record time of ten hours last night. I did get up twice to go to the toilet, but both times I went back to sleep immediately. I'm mighty proud of myself because I did it without the aid of the Valerian tablets. I decided not to take those anymore because I thought they were making me feel grumpy during the day. I was grumpy for as many days as I took them and the link seemed obvious. 

Actually, yesterday I thought I was starting to feel depressed and I sure as heck didn't want that. I could only assume that it was because of the Valerian tablets because that was the one major change there had been in my life. I felt quite bad and was worried about myself, but realized what the cause might be and decided to not to start to despair. I just had to be patient for a while and get a good night's sleep. I feel ever so much better this morning and that's something to be thankful for.

Now I'm sitting here with my second cup of coffee on a gray Saturday morning, but I don't mind one bit. It may rain later on, but that's okay. As long as my mood is good it doesn't matter. I'm happy about the fact that it is Saturday and a day to do nothing much important on. Of course, I will walk the dog and do some chores, but I will do them in my own leisurely way. There's no pressure to get anything done at a certain time, except that Tyke does know how to tell time and knows when I need to take him for a walk. He's a smart dog. 

I have a vague idea of what the day is going to look like. I'm going to change the bed for one thing and do a load of laundry. As always, I have to clean up the kitchen and also put the clean laundry away. I'm going to try and sit down in my armchair and read my book, but I'll probably daydream instead. I should probably call it meditating and contemplating my navel. I'll also watch the latest developments in Egypt on television.

First I'll go and walk Tyke. He's had his breakfast and is more than ready to go. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Just make another pot of coffee...

I've just walked Tyke and the weather isn't nearly as lovely as it has been for the past couple of days. We had lots of sunshine, but now the sky is overcast and gray and they say it's going to rain this afternoon. It's chillier outside too and my short leather jacket was really not that warm to wear, but I refuse to put on my thick winter coat. I'm going to be the eternal optimist and pretend that springtime is coming. 

I want to put that winter coat away for the season and not wear it again. If I stubbornly wear my leather jacket, it's bound to get nicer outside just because I want it to be. I can always put on my thick warm scarf and be protected that way. I want to fool Mother Nature into thinking that she doesn't need to set free any more frost and cold wind on us. A little bit of rain is alright, that doesn't bother me. 

It's funny how quickly you get used to warm sunshine and daisies in the grass. You feel that this ought to be the weather from now on. It's very upsetting when the temperatures dip down again and the cold wind starts to blow. Well, it's relatively cold. It's uncomfortable anyway compared to what you had just got used to. 

I was feeling grumpy earlier this morning and I'm not sure if I completely got over it. I've decided not to worry about and to pay it as little mind as I can. I'm not going to do anything to give reason to let it come to the surface. I'm going to lie low. I will treat it with coffee and cigarettes and vanilla pudding. Those are the best things I can think of. I will only do pleasant things and I will decide what those are. They may include a chore or two. I'm not completely irresponsible.

I'm yawning even though I got enough sleep. I hope I don't have to take a nap on the sofa. Not that I'd mind that all that much. It is nice and warm in here and I can put the yellow fleece blanket over me. I really wanted to watch the news and read my book for a while before I did anything else. It's well written and worth the effort, because it is an effort for me to read a book. I don't do it as easily as I used to. I really have to plan it into my day. 

I'm going to proceed with the rest of the day. I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied and entertained. Tyke and Gandhi need some attention and I need to fold the dry laundry.

I hope you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Storm...

It's storming outside, making it feel cold inside too while it really isn't. It just makes you feel that way. The wind is noisily blowing down the street. I feel chilled even with my warm bathrobe on. It sounds like an autumn storm in February. At least it's not nearly cold enough to freeze, so that's a blessing. We do have to keep looking at the  positive side of things. It just as easily could be cold and snowing now, because it is the time of year for it and last year it did.

For a change I slept through the night while I dreamed many interesting dreams and woke up a couple of times in a sweat, but went back to sleep again immediately. I was very busy during the night, you might say. I even attempted to speak Spanish, but it came out as French. I never did learn enough Spanish to get around well, not even in my dreams. I keep dreaming about my first ex-husband who then proceeds to have pity parties and tries to make me feel guilty and do things I don't want to do. I do resist him and stick to my guns. I don't like dreaming about him and wonder why I still do. I must have some unfinished business with him. 

I'm having my cups of coffee now and very welcome they are too. I was fully awake when I got up, but I do need my coffee to really start functioning. I think I've had enough now and that I will switch to cold milk, because I'm thirsty.I would drink lemonade or juice if they would agree with my stomach better. Milk seems to settle the best, but everything makes me burp. That's because in my eagerness to quench my thirst, I drink it quickly. 

I always wake up with a very sore knee, but once I get up and start moving around, it gets better. It's when I sit in one position too long that it starts to bother me. Especially sleeping seems to be the worst thing for it. I sleep on my side and must lie in a way that hurts my knee the most. I don't get the feeling that it's getting better, but I suppose that I have to be patient. I am a middle aged lady, after all, and things may take longer to heal.

I ended up not going to my psychiatrist yesterday, because my appointment was for in the evening and I didn't feel like going out in the dark and cold weather. I canceled it and made a new appointment for next week during the day. That means I'm staying on these doses of medicines for now. That's okay. There's no need to rush the reductions. I just now feel that I'm at ease with the latest reduction, because I was a little bit wobbly every once in a while, although I wasn't sure it was because of that. It could have been because of anything. It's better to wait a while and to be sure of myself.

I went to my sister yesterday afternoon and had espressos and Italian cookies. The espressos always perk me up wonderfully and I don't need coffee for the rest of the day. The cookies were good, they were made of whole wheat flour  and only my gastric band prevented me from eating more than two of them. Which reminds me that I forgot to go on the bathroom scale this morning. Apparently I'm not clearheaded enough to think of that. 

The Exfactor is supposed to be here today and so is the domestic help. I will have to clean up the kitchen and change my bed before that time. Another load of laundry is just what I need. At least I feel awake enough to tackle that. 

Here's hoping you'll all have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

The 101st post.

Post 100 went by without me realizing it. I would have had a big celebration with party hats and balloons, but I'm too late now. I could still have a cupcake, but where can you buy just one cupcake? I would have to get at least three and feel obliged to eat them all, or two of them anyway and give the other one to Tyke who doesn't need one. I'll have to properly celebrate the 200th post and have people over to share in the fun and buy a real cake. That's a good plan and gets me off the hook for now.

I just woke up from a nap on my bed. It was very comforting and beneficial. I was feeling cold and fuzzy brained before I took it and now feel restored back to normal, whatever that is by any measure. I think that when you say you feel 'normal,' everybody knows what that means. It's a universally accepted state of being, as opposed to feeling 'crazy' which is not okay. Taking a nap can make you feel perfectly normal. In my case it always seems to work well. At any rate, I'm full of good cheer now. 

No doubt I'm full of good cheer because it's Friday evening and the weekend has officially started. I feel myself bathed in good vibes. I couldn't feel better if I were going out to the pub tonight with a bevy of my best pals and was going to drink six pale ales. That would be about my limit if I were going to ride my bike home. 

Luckily, I have to do no such thing and I get to stay in the warm apartment and not have to brave the freezing temperatures outside, although a pale ale would taste awfully good right now and I have none in the refrigerator. That is my bad luck and I should plan ahead better. I will ask the Exfactor to pick me up a six-pack the next time he goes grocery shopping. 

The good thing is that it's nice and warm in here. I aired out the apartment earlier today and pretended that the cold air didn't bother me. There was very little sunshine on the windows, because the sun is still so low in the sky that I'm plunged in shade in the afternoon. The apartment was aired out, at least to my sense of smell it was, but it sure was chilly in here. I wore almost enough clothes, but Tyke started shivering. 

I quickly closed the windows and turned up the thermostat. I was ready to knit Tyke a sweater. I think he was grateful as it heated up in here. I sure was glad about it. I'm not much of a hero when it comes to extremes of temperatures, unless I'm dressed like Scott on Antarctica. My nose is not sensitive enough to know how it really smells in here now. I'm so used to nicotine. I'm sure only I can live with it or the occasional visitor who also smokes. 

Since I'm not having a cold glass of beer, I'm having a cup of freshly brewed coffee, which is not bad either, although I would have preferred the beer. What a choice that is on a Friday night. Coffee or beer, really! Come to think of it, though, there's an awful lot of carbonation in beer and no doubt it will make me burp something terrible. That's something you always have to take into consideration when you have a gastric band. It won't be so bad when I burp, I will be here on my own anyway, but there may be some discomfort involved. I don't know if I'm willing to undergo that. Maybe I should let it sit and go flat first.

I'm going to hang up a load of freshly washed laundry before I forget. It will make it smell good in here. At least, that's my fervent hope. 

Ciao,

Nora

Read all about it...

Well, the first day of the week lies behind me and a good one it was too. I have a very satisfied feeling and can look forward to the evening with a peaceful mind. I feel like I accomplished something and was useful and engaged and it's done wonders for my self esteem.

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep anymore, so I got up and made coffee and sat behind the computer until the early morning. Of course, then I got tired and after I took my medicines, I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and went to sleep. I didn't wake up until 11 am when my personal helper rang the intercom. I was so discombobulated. I had to get into action right away, when what I needed was a cup of coffee and a cigarette. 

I tried to speak coherently and pass for a functioning human being, but I didn't become one until after I had taken a shower and got dressed with a lot of difficulty and made a pot of coffee and had a cup. Then I felt like a human being who could participate in a grown up conversation. It was a great relief when I felt my mind start working normally. After that I started making sense. 

We dressed for the cold and took Tyke for a walk. It was very invigorating outside and the cold felt great because we were dressed warm enough. Tyke was a bundle of joy. He piddled on every twig and sniffed everywhere he had not been for a while. He pulled me along the sidewalk at high speed and then would stop in his tracks to investigate something minutely. It was stop and go and nothing in between. He was a happy puppy beside himself who forgets the world around him.

I made a deal with my personal helper that I would not feel bad about how I spend the weekends and just make the best of them and not sit and mope about them, but survive them as well as I could without guilt feelings. If I feel myself perk up on Sunday afternoon, then that's all the better and I can take advantage of that and do whatever I have not gotten around to the rest of the weekend. I'm not to moan and complain about the weekends anymore as long as I find a way to survive them. And I do. In my own convoluted way.

Just as she left, my domestic help showed up and we started off with a cigarette and a talk. Then I had to clean up all the Trivial Pursuit cards that Tyke had pulled out of the box that was sitting on the bookcase in my bedroom. There were hundreds of those cards and they were spread all over the place. He had gotten to them by climbing on the rattan chair. The smartest thing to do, of course, was to move the chair. For some reason, this very obvious thing had not dawned on me before. Now he can't get to the higher shelves of the bookcase anymore.

Then I did the dishes, which I should have done on Sunday, but never got around to, and I cleaned every one of them down to the last teaspoon. Even Tyke has clean bowls. I don't like doing the dishes that much. I find it a frustrating job because the water slowly drains from the sink. It is because of a faulty plug and I have to keep refilling the sink and it's hard to get the water temperature right. I need a different faucet and a different plug. Or a dish pan to do the dishes in.

I turned down the thermostat and opened all the windows to air out the apartment, which is necessary when you smoke. It didn't help much because it didn't get colder than 20.5C in here. The kitchen window was stuck and I couldn't get it open. It would have made a difference. There was no wind, so no draft to speak of, and the little windows at the top of the living room windows don't let in much air. That's really noticeable in the summertime when you want the heat to escape.

I also had not gotten around to hanging up the laundry and got that done. I filled the rack  and am slowly getting the next load ready. I will look in my closet and find clothes to wash. Whatever smells like smoke will go in the laundry. 

The domestic help stayed for awhile after she was done with her work. We talk and bond and get to know each other. She does always try to please me and makes the extra effort and the better we get to know each other, the harder she tries. But I also try to make it as easy on her as possible and try to do things  before she gets here. 

After she left, I moved the very big scratching pole out of the spare bedroom into the living room and put it in the corner where Tyke has his toys. He investigated it for a while and then began to bark at it and coming to me looking very indignant. He didn't want that thing there. I told him it was for Gandhi, but he went over to her and shoved her off the sofa. She was very clearly not interested in the scratching pole and didn't even look at it. Tyke barked at it some more, so I picked it up and put it back in the spare bedroom and then peace returned. That was one failed experiment. It looked very ugly there anyway. 

Tyke and I went for another walk and now we're waiting for the delivery boy from the pharmacy. I never know at what time he'll be here, but I have to be home after 6 pm. 

Well, the story has gotten long enough. I'm quitting now. All that enthusiasm...

Ciao,

Nora

Please, don't be...

I'm sitting here early in the morning having my coffee and cigarettes as usual. I've written emails and read blogs and I'm wide awake. It's not nearly time to start the day yet and I'm glad for it, because I don't want the day to start. For all I care, the sun doesn't have to come up for another couple of hours and we delay the day completely. I much prefer sitting here in the dark by the light of my desk lamp indefinitely. There's no pressure on me as long as I sit here under those conditions. 

I'm in a state of avoidance and yesterday I took the whole day off and didn't get out of my bathrobe. I hung out in front of the television and took a long nap. I didn't want to have to do anything that was the least bit complicated and to me everything seemed complicated, even putting away the clean laundry that is sitting in the chair in my bedroom. 

I thought I could pretend to be ill again, but then  I thought, why bother? I just wasn't able to participate in life. That's not so unusual in the weekends and especially not at this time of the year. I do better during the week because there are people here who motivate me to get dressed and do things, but in the weekends I'm a lost case. I imagine that if those people didn't come during the week, I'd be a lost case on those days as well. 

I've especially not been able to write any posts for any of my blogs. I have made several attempts, but ended up deleting everything. I thought, who wants to read this drivel? All it was, was a huge cover up job to make myself look better than I was. To make my life look more interesting than it was. I thought that if I wrote down everything into the tiniest detail, it would look like something, but you can't pull the wool over people's eyes like that. They do catch on to the fact that you're filling up empty holes. 

I've got to try and make something of today while my courage lasts. I have courage early in the morning in the dark before the day starts. When I'm not yet truly challenged. Before I fall into inertia and turn into the cowardly lion. The least thing I can do is admit that I'm hiding and avoiding things. Facing up to your own behavior is always the best thing. 

And dealing with the guilt feelings that come with it. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Company...

The day is unfolding little by little. Between each scene I take a time out. I do that with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and some time spent pondering about what's happened and what's coming up next. Mostly I feel very pleased, because the day is unfolding pleasantly, although I am only halfway there yet. I know the rest of it will be fine too. I feel it in my wind swept bones.

Before my personal helper got here this morning, I did the chores and I did them with good humor and not at all frustrated because I had to do them, like I sometimes do. I owe this to the fact that I have stopped taking a tranquilizer in the morning that always made me feel so tired and like going back to bed. Now I have energy and I'm not dragging myself from room to room trying to get things done hopelessly. It really does make a difference. 

I put clean sheets on the bed and put the dirty sheets in the washing machine immediately. They will have to stay in there for a while, though, because I have a load of laundry drying on the rack in the bathroom. I can only handle one load at the time, or I would have to get another rack that I could hang over one of the doors and dry more laundry on it. It would work, but it isn't all that necessary that all the laundry gets dried at once. I'm not running an orphanage, after all.  It is just a one person household.

I got the whole apartment straightened out and ready for the domestic help, so she would be able to clean it without there being any stuff lying around  that was useless and in the way.  Cleaning up Tyke's toys is the biggest challenge, because as soon as I do, he drags them all out again and distributes them across the living room floor. He's just like a little kid that way. And to think that I ordered more toys for him.

I made a fresh pot of coffee when my personal helper got here and took a shower and put on a new set of double layered clothes. She had warned me that it was cold outside, but I had already noticed that when I stood by the back door to let Tyke out.

I had to wait for my psychiatrist to call me before we were able to go for a walk and he called promptly at noon. He asked me how the decreasing of the tranquilizers was going and I told him that I had it down to one pill during the day, but that it had not been as easy as I had thought it was going to be. I had missed them. We made an appointment for next week at which time we're going to discuss decreasing my dose of anti-psychotics, which is going to be scary and I'm honestly going to tell him that. I'm a hero on socks, as we say here. The implication should be clear.

We took Tyke for a walk in the cold wind, therefor our walk was not very long, but long enough for Tyke to take care of all of his needs. It's not only time for thick winter coats, but for gloves and hats as well. I worry about my hair and the scrunched up state it gets in from wearing a hat. Vanity does prevent me from doing it yet. I'll have to suffer from a cold head. It's tough trying to be a fashionable woman at my age. I don't look good in hat hair.

The domestic help has been here in the meantime and we had ourselves a good old chat while she did her work. We also drank coffee and smoked cigarettes even though she's not supposed to, but I'm not going to tell. She's got two little boys and she tells me stories about them that bring tears to my eyes from pure emotion, either from laughter or compassion or a mixture of both. I'm easily moved. Of course, I'm in a much better state of mind to be moved too, now that my emotions are not dulled by the tranquilizers.

I've got a lovely clean apartment and I'm going to keep it that way. I do feel incredibly spoiled. The quality of my life has improved so much since these people have come into it.  I never want to go back to how it used to be. I pray to Allah/God/Buddha/Wotan that I will always be this lucky. Everybody deserves a break and I was certainly ready for mine.

I've got to walk Tyke if he's ready to go. I think he's sound asleep, but we'll see. One movement from me can mean the end of that. He does have his alert ears on, even when he's taking a nap.

Have a good evening, everyone.

Ciao,
Nora

Chores...

I've just cleaned up the kitchen and the living room and I did that quickly. Next, I have to hang up the laundry and make a shopping list. I'm really waiting for my medicines to start working and they should shortly, because I've taken them about an hour ago. I must say that I feel calmer than I did a while ago, so there is progress already without me realizing that there was. 

I'm drinking a glass of cold milk, because I'm all done drinking coffee. I made enough for three cups and I think that is more  than enough to start the day with. Actually, I don't finish the third cup, because it's too much to drink for me, so I could actually make less coffee. It's just habit that keeps me making the same amount every morning. That, and the concern that I might actually want more coffee one of these mornings. It's silly, though, because I never do. 

Tyke had wagged the ivy on the coffee table with his tail and leaves had flown all over the area rug. I just finished picking them all up. It's a neat trick that he did when he jumped on top of it. He does still do that every once in a while, but it is mostly a thing of the past. He does realize that the coffee table is out of bounds now. Sometimes his exuberant puppy brain takes over and he forgets and I have to get him off of it as quickly as I can. 

Gandhi is quite innocent of these shenanigans and hardly ever does anything bad, except for use the furniture as scratching posts sometimes, while she has three of those at her disposal. Cats are great at ignoring the obvious and using something  else instead. Jesker used to shove her out of the way when she did that and I'm trying to teach Tyke to do the same thing, but he hasn't quite caught on yet.

I've just cleaned up the bedroom of a shredded cigarette pack and made the bed. I will hang up the laundry next. Little by little I will get everything done. There will be too much laundry to fit on the drying rack and I will have to get creative with hangers on the shower curtain rail. The bathroom will be filled with laundry. It is too cold to hang it outside to dry. 

There, I've hung up the laundry and got almost everything on the drying rack. Now I have to take a breather. It was a lot of bending and stretching. I did my morning gymnastics. I suppose that now I'll get the washing machine filled up with the next load.

I have to get dressed next and make a shopping list and go to the store. I'm thrilled to pieces about this, but it can't be helped. I have to go or do without a lot of things and that is not possible. The fact alone that I have to get some cigarette lighters is enough to make me go there.

It was fun spending time with you while I did my chores. 

Ciao.
Nora