Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Late in the evening...

I've already dozed in bed, really planning on going to sleep early, but it didn't quite work out that way. I guess I wasn't tired enough. I was  toasty warm, though. I had on my flannel pajamas and my socks, so no part of me was cold, because it was cool in the bedroom and beneath the duvet. The warmth of the near summer weather hasn't penetrated the bedroom yet and it is still a very cool location in the apartment.

I listened to the birds twitter their evening song and thought about having a CD of that and listening to it at will and how cheerful that would make me. Or their morning song, of course. I would listen to it at whatever time in the morning I woke up and start my day that way. I think that would be mighty pleasant. Of course, if I didn't sleep so soundly and turned off the radio, I might hear them for real, especially now that I have the bedroom window open again. 

The best place to hear them would be in the middle of a forest. That would be a joy. You forsake a lot by living in suburbia, except that there's the convenience of living close to the services you need. I don't feel that I'm in touch with nature, though. I feel far removed from it here in my stone and cement and asphalt world. The gardens and the greenery only provide some relief. I often wish I lived in the countryside, but because I have no car, it would be problematic for me. It would be hard to get around. 

You must accept your fate in life and accept the situation you're in and make the best of it. Especially if your means to change it are very limited. You can't have all sorts of fantasies that you can't make come true and frustrate yourself with them. You have to find a form of acceptance and the peace inside yourself to live with it. It means you have to face up to a huge amount of realism and come to grips with it. Maybe that's a lesson I should have learned earlier in my life, although I thought at one time that I had, but circumstances change beyond your control and you become undone. 

I don't want anything to come along to upset my equilibrium and maybe that's what the presence of my ex-husband did. That's why it's taking me such a long time to settle back into my normal life. Slowly but surely I am and I want to be left alone now. I don't want any more disturbance and upset. I have to fit back into my life like I did before and I don't want anyone to come along to make me doubt my choices or my satisfaction with them. It's all very tender and fragile and made up of gossamer threads.

It's time for me to be thinking about going back to bed. Hopefully I will sleep well this time and not merely doze. At least I got some things off my mind, that's a relief. 

I hope you all had a good evening. 


1 comment:

Twain12 said...

i love the birds too...i hope you finally got some sleep