Friday, April 1, 2011

Exist only here...

I'm existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I'm really not properly awake. I've decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don't want anything to come along and burst my bubble.

In order to make this feeling last, I've just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don't want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there... So help me God. 

My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn't told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven't had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.

When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister's house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to. 

I let my sister know last night that I didn't want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I'm so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn't have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I've always done. I've never had 'the' confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left

On top of everything, the 16th is our late son's birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don't need any extra stress on top of it.

Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won't it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.

Have a good day.



Anonymous said...

I totally understand what you're saying: I haven't seen or spoken to my Ex for more than four years now, and I just don't want to. I see no point in it, even though I could certainly carry on a civil conversation with him and perhaps even share a laugh or two. Our daughter hasn't seen him for almost the same length of time, for her own reasons, so I suppose I'm supporting her in some odd way, even though she is an adult and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Or else, like you, I may have some unfinished business with the man. Either way, I don't care enough to find out.
Now - back to the tranquility! xo

Maggie May said...

I don't blame you for not wanting to meet him but I wonder what he wanted in the first place?
Yes..... it must be very difficult for you to have to go through the anniversary of the death of your son.
Hope you are feeling better over the first thing anyway.
Hoping tomorrow will be a good day with lots of Spring sunshine.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Bev said...

I know what you mean about the lovely tranquillity of being half asleep, half awake. Now I don't have to work I like a brief lie-in during which I get this feeling.

I think you have probably made the right decision about your ex. x

Twain12 said...

don't blame you one bit either, why dig up old stuff.

Bernie said...

Only you know how your feel sweetie, if seeing him again will bring you bad memories and pain then you have made the right decision. Hope you had a great day, will keep you in my prayers.

Nora said...

Bev, fellow seeker of tranquility. Isn't it nice when you find it? I have some of it right now and am happy for it.

Yes, I know I've made the right decision. I feel it in my bones. Doing anything else would have been wrong and I wouldn't have liked me as much.


Wisewebwoman said...

We reach the age of when we know ourselves so well and our intuition is honoured and respected.
As you are doing.
Some historical boxes are best left unopened.
My ex just bores me to tears and I try to avoid him as he loves to buttonhole me and lay the most appallingly (his latest blood tests, his hypochondria, his golf scores)banal verbal diarrhea on me. It can take hours.
There was still unfinished biz when I threw him out but I can't be arsed.
PS Goodonya!

Connie Rose said...

I agree about not seeing your ex. I'm just surprised that your sister is letting him stay with her. What's up with that? I would feel betrayed by her, were I you. But I don't know the nature of your relationship, so maybe I'm out on a limb, here.