I'm existing in a dream state because I just woke up from an hour long nap and I'm really not properly awake. I've decided to remain like this as long as I possibly can because I feel untouchable, as if reality has nothing to do with me. It is very pleasant and I don't want anything to come along and burst my bubble.
In order to make this feeling last, I've just taken a tranquilizer and I hope that I will transition slowly from the sleep induced state of mind into the medicinal induced state of mind. I don't want there to be the least amount of upset. I want to feel as tranquil as I feel now for the rest of the day. Whatever it takes to get there... So help me God.
My first ex-husband, the American, is going to be in town the weekend of the 15th. He hadn't told me about this, but contacted my sister whose house he will stay at. I haven't had contact with him in quite a few years and have been satisfied with that. As far as it has been possible, I have dealt with the past and I thought that he was a closed chapter in my book.
When my sister let me know that he was going to be here, I at first reacted like she did and thought it might be a fun thing, but soon after that I began to change my mind. I realized that in fact I had all sorts of unfinished business with him, but that the only way to deal with that would be in a therapeutic environment guided by a good psychologist. I could not just casually meet him at my sister's house and have a cup of coffee and dinner and a glass of wine and talk about the weather and other unimportant issues like we were bound to.
I let my sister know last night that I didn't want to meet my ex because of this and she was full of understanding. A weight fell off my shoulders and I'm so glad that I made this decision. I would have had to play act and that would have been against my own principles. It wouldn't have served any purpose other than to again give him the sense that everything was great as usual, which is something that I've always done. I've never had 'the' confrontation with him or let him know any of my grievances. I just left
On top of everything, the 16th is our late son's birthday and that is always a bit of a tough day. I certainly don't need any extra stress on top of it.
Well, that will get you out of your bubble of tranquility, won't it? I will move right back into it again. I will smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while.
Have a good day.