Forget about that...

Forget everything I said about my ability to quit smoking and the relative easy time I had with it because it just didn't turn out to be so. It turned out not to be easy at all and I had a hard time filling the many empty hours that I didn't smoke with activities, be they useful or not. I could not sit in my armchair and contemplate my navel anymore but I didn't know what to do instead. 

Being the dull person that I am, I could not come up with anything else. I have no hobbies to keep me occupied. So I started smoking again and I do not regret it. Well, I do because of the money but that is the only reason. 

I can spend much time sitting with a cup of coffee and my cigarettes doing nothing but letting my mind wander over various subjects. It's how I straighten things out in my head and come up with good ideas. I find it to be a very soothing activity. I suppose it's a little like meditating except that I don't empty my head. I resolve things and it calms me down. 

That's in a way how I spend my nightly hours too. I spend much of my time contemplating things but I do it when I feel best. I feel the least amount of pressure on myself in the middle of the night. It's when I have my most peaceful hours and my best thoughts. I even wake up with good ideas in my head, although they are very fleeting and I only remember them for the first few minutes. 

There was a thunder shower just now  with bright lightening. It was pretty hefty but short lived. An enormous amount of rain came down in a short time but now it is dry again. The thunder was very loud and I was afraid that the dog might start barking. Luckily, he did no such thing. I suppose if I stay calme, then he does too.

I guess I will go back to bed now. My personal helper will be here in the morning and I do want to get up on time before she gets here and have some coffee in all peace and quiet. I do appreciate that first hour or so on my own. I can't be sociable immediately. It does take a little bit of time. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Quiet Days...

I've spent a quiet day at home, not doing anything out of the ordinary but watching television and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. I did open the bedroom window at one point to air out the place until it got too cold in here. I just turned up the thermostat and I'm waiting for my hands to get warm. I didn't realize that I had gotten so cold.

I did take Tyke out and we trudged through the melting snow. The ice is even melting and crunches when I step on it. Some people have cleaned their sidewalks. Other people have blocked the sidewalks with piles of snow from their driveways. That's real smart, isn't it? They're not the brightest bulbs in the package. 

I put out the trash early while I thought of it, because I forgot last week so I had two bags today. If I don't put it out while I think of it and put it off until later, I'm bound to forget about it, because the Exfactor always used to put out the trash and it's a job I'm still not used to doing regularly. You would think I would be now after two years, but I still have to make a point of it. There's always a little warning bell going off some time during the weekend that I must not forget it, but it doesn't usually go off at the right moment.

He also used to always pay the bills, but that was a job he disliked doing very much and paperwork was always put off until the very last minute. When I had to take that over all on my own, I immediately got very organized and found out all about it as quickly as I could. I'm very up to date on the bills and have most of them written off automatically so I don't forget anything. I do have a budget and stick to it closely. It's a responsibility I can handle, but then I only have to worry about my own expenses and I don't have a family to worry about. Like kids who make big demands or a husband who is high maintenance. 

I didn't used to know what was in the kitchen cabinets or in the kitchen closet, except the most necessary things. I came to find out, when I was living on my own, that there was a lot of junk there and that a lot of other places in the apartment held a lot of junk. A 'getting rid of stuff' process started and now I'm almost down to the basics and everything is accounted for. The Exfactor used to be in charge, but wasn't really capable of running the ship. He was the wrong person for it, because he was not capable of throwing anything out. Things got stowed everywhere and collected dirt and dust.

It's very strange to live in a place that you're not in charge of, while you're in fact the woman of the house. It's a very liberating realization when you do become in charge of it and fix things according to your own ideas and actually have the nerves to toss things out. You make huge discoveries and have light bulbs go on above your head and suddenly you see reason and become clear headed. Bless the day that I came to live on my own in this apartment. It is the best thing that happened to me in a long time. I guess you never would have thought that I'd say that one day, would you? 

It's very liberating to be a woman on your own, although it can be lonely at times and sometimes I do wish for a companion. I wouldn't want someone around me all the time, though. It would get on my nerves, because I do appreciate my independence and my privacy. I don't want to play house with anyone. I never was into that when I was a kid either. Neither did I play with dolls. I don't think I have huge bonding needs. They're not out of the ordinary anyway. I have a tendency to stick to myself and make do with my own company. Each person is an island, although part of an archipelago. You can build a bridge, but a bridge can be dismantled and then you can only swim across. 

I know someone who is a gregarious loner. It is something I would like to be, but I think I'm not gregarious enough yet. I need a little bit more humor in me. I take myself much too serious. Some day I'll be relaxed and wise enough to be one too. Then I'll be able to laugh at myself and see the humor of my own character. I'll be able to see the comedy that my own life also is. I'll approach mankind with laughter on my face. That will be my first expression. I have been told that I look naughty, like the cat that ate the mouse. But that's really my ironic look. Nobody knows this yet. Until now. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

We all fall down...

It's early on a Sunday morning and I'm having my second cup of very delicious coffee. For some reason it turned out really well today, so I must have had the magic touch when I put the ground coffee into the filter. Maybe slightly carelessly scooping is the best way to do it, instead of carefully measuring each spoonful. I was in a hurry when I made the coffee, because I was impatient for a cup and I couldn't make it quick enough. 

Luckily, the coffeemaker gets done quickly and I had my nice hot cup of coffee in no time at all. It just seems to take a while when you're waiting, but that's when you have to find a way to amuse yourself instead. I did that by answering emails. That's usually the first thing I do in the morning, though I'm barely capable of it at first because of the cobwebs. I do manage to fake it until I make it, I think, because I go about it very slowly, unless the answers are very simple. 

I went to bed very early last night. I realized that I was grumpy because I was tired and in need of sleep. I had no patience left for anything or anybody. I made myself a glass of black berry milk and took that to bed with me and listened to the radio. I made sure that Tyke and I had some quality bonding time, which he was in need of, and in the shortest amount of time I was asleep. Gandhi was sleeping beside my pillows.

I suppose that yesterday was a perfectly uneventful day. I paid bills and got my paperwork in order and found out how poor I was. That's always good to know for the rest of the pay period. Then you know how much you have left to spend on groceries. God forbid that you should eat too much. 

I had planned to take a nap in the afternoon, but I never did get around to that. I suppose I wasn't sleepy enough and wanted to save whatever there was for the nighttime. I walked Tyke when he needed to get walked and sat behind the computer. I did some chores, but there weren't that many to do that were urgent and I will finish today what I didn't do yesterday. I have to put clean sheets on my bed and I do want to do that today to make going to bed tonight as pleasant as possible. 

Since today is Sunday, it's going to be another quiet day. There will be speed skating and other sports on television and I will watch them most likely. I also have to make sure I watch the news this morning. There were manifestations all over the country yesterday against the cultural budget cuts that the new government is planning against the will of many. I think the attempts to call a halt to it, though, are useless, because this government is ruthless.

It's going to be a cold day today. I just let Tyke out back and there was a cold wind blowing from the east. I was shivering in my bathrobe. Even Tyke thought it was cold and came back in in a hurry. It's only going to be 44F, but because of the wind, it's going to feel colder. It will be no fun to take Tyke out for walks today. I'm not looking forward to that. I do so dislike being in the cold wind. I will have to wear my North Pole coat. My leather jacket is not going to be warm enough. 

I've had enough coffee for this morning and have switched to milk with blackberry syrup. It's very delicious and filling too. It takes care of my sweet tooth at the same time. It does give me that little sugar high and it makes the milk more interesting to drink. It makes it last twice as long, because I don't gobble it down all at once. I take delicate sips, if you can imagine that. It's an excellent discovery and for that kind of milk you pay a relative fortune in the supermarket. 

I've got to take my medicines. It's that time of the morning again. I've had to play ball with Tyke while I wrote this. That involves a lot of wrestling to get it away from him. 

Have a good Sunday!

Ciao,

Nora

Doo Wah Diddy...

I'm not quite awake yet, but pretending to be. I'm waiting for the coffee to get done and in the meantime, I'm having some milk. I tried to drink some juice, but my stomach violently protested and didn't want it. It was too acid, even the mild kind. I will not make that mistake again. 

I'm sure it has been the cause of the acid reflux I have been having at night. I had not put one and one together, but now I see the link. As a reaction to that, I have been sleeping on my back and not on my side anymore, because that seems to make it worse. It's as though things get squashed and my esophagus doesn't seem to like that.

I'm having my coffee now and a pleasure it is indeed. I expect to be fully functioning any minute. The coffee is mild too, because I don't make it as strong anymore, and I drink it with plenty of milk. It's not a cafe au lait, but it's getting close to it. It does make me burp, but nearly anything does nowadays, so that's nothing unusual. I think I have to invest in a bottle of Maalox. The pharmaceutical industry must be doing alright. It may be something to invest my precious money in. 

It was cold during the night, but I had the thermostat set low and the heater did not go on. It's still warm enough in the apartment, despite the cold outside. As a matter of fact, I was very warm under my duvet and woke up sweating, and on top of that, Tyke climbed  on my chest so I could hardly breath, but he saw it as a moment of complete togetherness. That's when I thought I had better get up. Gandhi was lying beside my head and things were getting a little bit too cozy. The animals do pick their opportune moments to show their love and affection. I've never had it so good.

When I got up, Tyke wanted to go outside, but I know he only wants to go hang out there and sniff around and not come back in for a long time, so I completely ignored him and he laid down on the sofa, slightly miffed. He and Gandhi are curled up together being peaceful now. I don't know how long my peace and quiet are going to last. 

Today is actually the day I'm going to see my SPN, it was not yesterday like I thought. I had the day wrong in my memory and had to check my agenda to find out. Probably it is better that I see her today, because yesterday was not such a successful day and I wasted a lot of it doing absolutely nothing but feel low and uneasy. It was one of those days in which I very much doubted my own capacity to make it through life successfully and when my belief in myself was very low. 

I suppose that everybody has days like that and that you just have to get through them in the best possible way and go to sleep and hope that the following day will be better. It proved to be right and I do feel better this morning and it is only with uneasiness that I look back at yesterday. It's such an awful thing to doubt your own mind and your capacity to think straight. 

All you have to do really is take the day off and not do anything important. Take a mental health day, like I would allow my kids to have when they were young and had a not so great day. That was a day to be relieved of your responsibilities and to get treated extra special. It's something you can do for yourself without feeling all sorts of guilt and remorse. I seem to have a problem with that, as if I need someone's permission to do it. Everybody needs a mental health day now and then. You do recuperate from them. 

I have more zest in life today and look forward to it. That means Tyke will get more of his regular walks and I will get out of my bathrobe quicker. All the things I worried about yesterday, I will not worry about today. Those were spooks in my head. 

The fact that I have very clean hair helps a lot too. And the fact that it is so very blond is another pleasant addition. It's probably getting more gray, but it seems like it is very blond. The gray hair is very finely sprinkled throughout and doesn't really show up. I don't have a thing to worry about yet and I'm going to let it all happen naturally. I'm not going to reach for the hair dye.

I have to get dressed now and walk Tyke in the cold morning air. It's 37F outside and foggy. Time for warm clothes. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Up early in the morning...

I'm having my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and have just written a post for my other blog The Unquiet Mind. Please go have a look, it is an update on my psychiatric situation. Much too serious a subject to discuss here, where I want to keep it somewhat lighthearted, although it may not always seem that way. I must admit that I do on occasion get serious here too, but I don't always set out to be, whereas on the other blog, I always do. I hasten to add, though, that you will not fall over with boredom if you read it. Besides, I need the traffic there, because it seems to be my orphaned blog and not a lot of people have made the link yet.

I didn't get a lot of sleep. I was up late working on the LibraryThing website, adding the proper covers to the books on my lists of books and it was a lot of fun. It became somewhat addictive and each time I said to myself that I would do one more page and stop, only to do another page after that. At one point I just had to stop because I was too tired, but I stopped reluctantly and I will finish the job today if I get the chance. I don't nearly have all the books I have ever read listed there, but at least the ones for the past 6 years or so and maybe more. I did go through a period when I read ferociously and read a huge amount of books in a couple of years time. Some of these books I don't remember now at all and I will have to reread them and a bunch of them are on my wish list at bol.com. Which reminds me that I still have to reorganize the bookcase.

I didn't sleep late, but got up in a half stupor, very sleepy and barely able to make coffee, but in a good mood, feeling very sleep wobbly and cozy. I sat and had my first cup behind the computer and managed to write an email that was very simple and I felt oh, so good in my warm bathrobe. Soon enough I had a second cup and the caffeine started to work and woke me up properly. 

There is a difference between Fair Trade coffee and the regular coffee I get. The Fair Trade coffee seems to be lower in caffeine and doesn't wake me up nearly as well. I don't know how that would be done, if that is possible, but it seems to be so. Maybe the beans are roasted differently and the Fair Trade coffee is not as intense. 

I have no appointments and the only exciting thing about today is that it is payday. That means I get to pay bills. That's always the saddest thing about having money in my bank account. Watching chunks of it disappear. I do have a free day and must take advantage of it and hope that the weather is halfway decent so I can take the dog for a few long walks, because it seems to do him good and it doesn't hurt me either. It did rain on and off yesterday and during the night and everything is awfully wet and dripping. It's not going to be very warm either and more rain is expected, so we may not be able to make great expeditions. We'll have to see how much the sky clears up. 

I must go back to bed now, as I'm falling asleep in my desk chair. I need to sleep for at least another 5 hours. At least I have the time to do it. I have nowhere to go. Had I been smarter. I would have gone back to bed in the middle of the night when I was still so sleepy, but I had to be stubborn and get up. I do get a kick out of the most unusual things. Being half stoned with sleep and sitting behind the computer, for example. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora