Getting in the proper mood...

I took a tranquilizer a little while ago because I was in a not so good mood and I knew no other way to get over it. I'd already had two cups of coffee, but they didn't do the job and I didn't know what else would. Positive thinking didn't help. Besides, I've tried that for the past couple of days and it hasn't brought me much relief. No matter how I tried to change my attitude, it didn't get me very far. 

Taking a tranquilizer is against my own rules. I don't like to take them in the long run, but I do like the speedy relief they bring me. They give me quick relaxation when nothing else will. It's not the easy way out it seems because quite a struggle precedes it. I do try to do everything possible to get over my bad mood in an other way. Days of malcontent come first with much frustration. 

I think I need more happiness in my life, but I'm unable to obtain it myself right now. I don't have the wherewithal to go chase it. It's pretty illusive to me. I would like some brought to me from the outside just as a gift out of the blue, but I won't hold my breath waiting for it. I will have to gather up the energy and go look for it myself. That's what I need to work on. I think I'm slightly depressed. 

I'm drinking a tall glass of mild orange juice and I'm hoping that the sugar content will give me a natural high. I can never drink a beverage without hoping that it will have some sort of effect on me. That's the nature of the beast. The juice is made of mandarin oranges and it tastes very good. It's just the pick me up I needed.

This morning the new duvet I ordered was delivered. It is a hypoallergenic, four season one. That means they are two lightweight duvets snapped together. You can remove one in the summertime when it's hot.  Of course, I changed the bed and put it it on immediately. I even took a nap under it this afternoon. It was very comfortable and warm. My old duvet was getting a little worn because I've had it for a long time. I will wash it and save it as a spare. 

I watched cultural TV this morning, although I do have to say that I was not greatly inspired, but I can blame that on my mood. Probably the whole exercise was wasted on me. Art, music and literature were discussed and I did learn some new things, so I guess it wasn't a total flop.

The dog is waiting impatiently for me to take him out. He is very insistent that we go now. I suppose I'll have to obey him and get the show on the road. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Don't tell me it's Monday already!

Yes, you can get used to the lazy days of the weekend it seems. Even I, who usually dislikes the weekends, can get used to them. It's nice to hardly have a care in the world, like I did yesterday when I pretended I was snowed in. I had gotten up early and written a post for another blog and gone back to bed. When I got up, it started snowing and it snowed all afternoon, adding a fresh layer to the snow that was already there. I dare not guess how much snow there is now, but it's a lot by our standards.

I must say that I kind of like it. I like the snow, but I don't like the ice that's underneath it, that's the drawback. The snow is lovely and for all I care it keeps snowing, but then I really don't have to be anywhere far away from here. The furthest I have to go this week is the office of my SPN and I can walk there. My poor sister has to fly home from Milan and I hope she will make it, because the weather is bad everywhere in Europe and where will she land? 

If you're not  on the road, the snow is nice. It makes you feel that the world has gotten a lot smaller and it has in reality, because your radius of action becomes more restricted. You really do stick close to home. I did anyway, but I feel that I have a legitimate reason now. Nobody expects me to go anywhere far away and far away could be as close as downtown. I'm happy in my little world. I would have made a good villager if I had lived a long time ago. 

It's early in the morning and I'm having my coffee, but I've just about had enough of it. I'm very thirsty and I need to drink something very cool and refreshing. All the juice is gone, so I'm thinking of a glass of lemonade. The Exfactor is going to be here tomorrow to do the groceries. He already sent me an email to tell me that he would be here. He isn't bothered by the weather, but it looks like it isn't going to snow anymore. As a matter of fact, there is rain in the forecast. That's a bummer. The temperatures are going to rise and the snow and ice will melt. Oh well, clean streets are nice too. We had those for a little while before. At least the ice will be gone. 

I'm expecting my personal helper and the domestic help today, so I must do some chores. I never did get around to those yesterday. I had a completely lazy day and didn't do a thing. I truly did have a day of rest. I have lots of time to putter around this morning. The first thing I will do is take a shower and get dressed in a brand new outfit. I will have to look through my closet and see what's there. I'm sure I'll find something of interest that's warm enough. It has to be something at least mildly exciting. Something that I will be happy to wear. 

I'm going to be reading a new book by a blogging friend of mine. Her name is Laurie Hertzel and the name of the book is: News To Me, Adventures of an Accidental Journalist.  It's a book I've been looking forward to reading and I just received it in the mail this weekend. Knowing Laurie's way of writing, I'm sure I'll enjoy it very much. I'm not a literature critic, but I'll let you know what I think of it when I'm done with it. I can only read it during the day. It is too dangerous to take to bed with me at night, because Tyke will get a hold of it and destroy it. I sure as heck don't want that to happen, although Laurie suggested that maybe he could nibble around the edges for Toby's sake. Toby was her first dog and is pictured on the back cover. 

Okay, I'm getting the show on the road. I'm off to pick out an outfit. 

Have a nice day, everyone!

Ciao,

Nora

Leather boots?

It is early in the evening and I woke up a while ago from a long nap in my bed. I took my one and only tranquilizer that I now take during the day this afternoon, and as a result I got very sleepy and couldn't stay awake. So this is the amount of sleepiness that I had been fighting three times a day, every day. 

It's a good thing that I finally started to question that and that I no longer blamed it on the amount of sleep that I got at night. I was putting things in the wrong order. It wasn't because I didn't get enough sleep during the night that I was sleepy during the day. It was because I was so sleepy during the day that I didn't get enough sleep during the night. I hope that makes sense, because it does to me. It was like putting the wagon in front of the horse.

Anyway, I am doing this with the blessing of my psychiatrist, so that is good. I've learned not to do anything with my medicines without first consulting my psychiatrist. I do have to trust him in this area of expertise and not think I know it all. I've had the tendency to think that I know it better, but I really do have to learn to trust somebody else when it comes to these things. 

I have this stubborn streak in me that makes me want to figure out things on my own and it just isn't necessary. I have to learn to trust other people and their knowledge. I guess I didn't learn that when I was a kid or in another period of my life. It is possible that I have been around a lot of incompetent people. Or people that weren't trustworthy. I suppose I haven't felt safe enough before.

Well, after that statement I hardly know what to write, because it put me on a whole different train of thought far, far away. I will try and come back to the reality of today and rejoin the present human race. 

I always think of all these humans racing around doing their jobs and chores and activities, trying to keep up with themselves and each other, one even crazier than the other, all in the human race for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that's as elusive as the rainbow itself.

But that's just an aside, I don't have all the answers either. I used to reach for the rainbow myself. I was chasing that pot of gold as fervently as the next person.

Enough already with the memories! This is not the time or place for them. I do have to stay in the here and now. It's a better place to be. It must be possible to write a post without daydreaming and sinking away into memories of a long ago life. Why do they hit me so much when I write a post? Is it because I refer to something? Is it that simple? 

It's a long time ago since I've done as much daydreaming as I do now. I used to do it all the time and think of it as a normal part of me, but I've very much rejected it as an unhealthy exercise. Now it seems to happen constantly, even when I'm preoccupied with something else. 

I started reading again today and I do notice that if I pay attention well enough to what I read, I don't daydream, but the book really has to capture my imagination. I'm reading a novel by Doris Lessing and her writing is so good that it does. 

It seems that I can drink fruit juice again. I had some this morning and it agreed with me and I'm having some right now without any problems really. I'll have to wait and see what happens during the night, but it would be nice if I could drink it again instead of all the milk that I drink. I do need some other vitamins too and it is thirst quenching.

It's not early in the evening anymore. I've wasted a lot of time. I'm going to put on my pajamas and bathrobe. I can stay up late, though, because it's the weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

Doo Wah Diddy...

I'm not quite awake yet, but pretending to be. I'm waiting for the coffee to get done and in the meantime, I'm having some milk. I tried to drink some juice, but my stomach violently protested and didn't want it. It was too acid, even the mild kind. I will not make that mistake again. 

I'm sure it has been the cause of the acid reflux I have been having at night. I had not put one and one together, but now I see the link. As a reaction to that, I have been sleeping on my back and not on my side anymore, because that seems to make it worse. It's as though things get squashed and my esophagus doesn't seem to like that.

I'm having my coffee now and a pleasure it is indeed. I expect to be fully functioning any minute. The coffee is mild too, because I don't make it as strong anymore, and I drink it with plenty of milk. It's not a cafe au lait, but it's getting close to it. It does make me burp, but nearly anything does nowadays, so that's nothing unusual. I think I have to invest in a bottle of Maalox. The pharmaceutical industry must be doing alright. It may be something to invest my precious money in. 

It was cold during the night, but I had the thermostat set low and the heater did not go on. It's still warm enough in the apartment, despite the cold outside. As a matter of fact, I was very warm under my duvet and woke up sweating, and on top of that, Tyke climbed  on my chest so I could hardly breath, but he saw it as a moment of complete togetherness. That's when I thought I had better get up. Gandhi was lying beside my head and things were getting a little bit too cozy. The animals do pick their opportune moments to show their love and affection. I've never had it so good.

When I got up, Tyke wanted to go outside, but I know he only wants to go hang out there and sniff around and not come back in for a long time, so I completely ignored him and he laid down on the sofa, slightly miffed. He and Gandhi are curled up together being peaceful now. I don't know how long my peace and quiet are going to last. 

Today is actually the day I'm going to see my SPN, it was not yesterday like I thought. I had the day wrong in my memory and had to check my agenda to find out. Probably it is better that I see her today, because yesterday was not such a successful day and I wasted a lot of it doing absolutely nothing but feel low and uneasy. It was one of those days in which I very much doubted my own capacity to make it through life successfully and when my belief in myself was very low. 

I suppose that everybody has days like that and that you just have to get through them in the best possible way and go to sleep and hope that the following day will be better. It proved to be right and I do feel better this morning and it is only with uneasiness that I look back at yesterday. It's such an awful thing to doubt your own mind and your capacity to think straight. 

All you have to do really is take the day off and not do anything important. Take a mental health day, like I would allow my kids to have when they were young and had a not so great day. That was a day to be relieved of your responsibilities and to get treated extra special. It's something you can do for yourself without feeling all sorts of guilt and remorse. I seem to have a problem with that, as if I need someone's permission to do it. Everybody needs a mental health day now and then. You do recuperate from them. 

I have more zest in life today and look forward to it. That means Tyke will get more of his regular walks and I will get out of my bathrobe quicker. All the things I worried about yesterday, I will not worry about today. Those were spooks in my head. 

The fact that I have very clean hair helps a lot too. And the fact that it is so very blond is another pleasant addition. It's probably getting more gray, but it seems like it is very blond. The gray hair is very finely sprinkled throughout and doesn't really show up. I don't have a thing to worry about yet and I'm going to let it all happen naturally. I'm not going to reach for the hair dye.

I have to get dressed now and walk Tyke in the cold morning air. It's 37F outside and foggy. Time for warm clothes. 

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Several cups of coffee later...

I'm all done drinking coffee for this morning. I've had almost three cups and that is about my limit. That's all I can handle. I have to switch to milk or juice next. I'm awfully thirsty, so whatever it's going to be, it is going to be a tall glassful. 

I've been sitting here for a while, completely wasting my time. I haven't got anything to show for it. But then again, I am allowed to have completely wasteful times too. I can't always be productive. Sometimes I sit behind the computer and I'm sunk deep in thought instead of writing or reading. A thought will hit me and I can spend some time turning it this way and that in my mind, until I'm done with it and lock it up some place safe. 

It's completely quiet outside. It's not storming nor raining, although I know it is going to again later today. At least it's not going to be so awfully cold. We won't have to worry about the rain turning into snow the way it did in Scandinavia. Thank goodness for that. The rain doesn't actually come down in a deluge and sometimes it's blown horizontally by the wind. I noticed that last night when I was riding my bike home from the gas station. I got it straight in my face. It would have been pleasant had it been summertime. 

I'm drinking a glass of juice, but it's making me burp something awful. It sounds like a regular factory at work. When you have a gastric band, you can never consume anything noiselessly. There are always sound effects. You constantly have to say: "Oh, excuse me." But to you it is the most normal thing in the world. I've gotten so used to making noise when I eat and drink, that I almost forget to apologize. I could never have tea and cakes with the queen, because I would constantly be burping. Not that I'm expecting an invitation. 

I've got my bathrobe on, because it did cool off in here a bit and I didn't want to turn on the heater. I'm going back to bed in a little while to sleep some more. I had a short night and woke up in a sweat again. I must talk to my doctor about that. 

I've let Tyke outside in the pitch dark and he wouldn't come back inside. I had to go get him on my bare feet on the wet patio that's strewn with leaves. I don't know what he found out there, but he was very interested in something. He still wants to go outside now, but I won't let him until it gets light. I want to see what he found. Maybe it is a hedgehog. 

Alright, I've just taken my medicines and I'm going back to bed. I am sleepy now. It will be nice to get under the clean covers and spend a few more hours sleeping. 

I wish you all a good morning. 

Ciao,
Nora