Some rainy Tuesday again...

The title speaks for itself. It's one of those cold wet days on which you want to stay inside and hibernate. However, there is the dog to walk and fresh air to inhale and some exercise to be got. Those things need to happen too. Thank goodness for that because it would be a bad thing for me if I didn't get outside at all. I think I must always have a dog to take out or else I would become a recluse. First I needed children and now I need a dog. Living alone can be bad for an introvert. 

The dog and I did get rained on but we didn't mind it too much because it was the beginning of a shower and we were almost home. The worst of it came down when we were already inside. The bad thing about wearing glasses is that they do get splatters on them when it rains and you really need little windshield wipers on them to get them clean. Your vision is somewhat obscured when you walk in the rain and the wind is coming at you. It does make your walk more adventurous. 

I'm not now bothered anymore by the fact that I've quit the tranquilizers. I was a little bit this morning but I think it was mostly because I hadn't had enough sleep. That made me feel slightly off balance and a little wary about the whole thing. I took a long nap later and woke up feeling a lot better. I think I just needed the sleep. I will assume that I will have no other after effects from having quit them and that all will go well. I've got the right attitude anyway and I can't be tempted to take a tranquilizer because there aren't any left. 

I've got to go and get something to eat before the news comes on. It will be all bad news but at least I will be informed. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Post weekend...

I'm sitting here ever so cozily in the middle of the night in my red bathrobe with a glass of cold milk and a cigarette. For a while I can pretend there's not a problem in the world. Things did get awfully close this weekend with a collapsed government and a train wreck, but for now I will forget about them and just enjoy the peace and quiet of the night. 

I just made the dog happy with a rawhide bone. I didn't realize that he had none left to chew on. He was taking apart his little stuffed cow and had just pulled the stuffing out, so it was high time that I gave him that bone to chew on. He's a true dog and likes chewing on things more than anything. The rawhide bones do keep his teeth clean and he has very good breath. He doesn't go for a check up until August and then the vet will look to see what shape his teeth are in and if they need to be cleaned. 

The cat is sitting very indifferently on the fleece blanket that's lying folded up on the armrest of the sofa. She's got her back turned towards us to show she really doesn't care. She can be so aloof at times. It's because the dog was completely ignoring her just now when he was busy with his bone and she was trying to get his attention. I'm sure her feelings were tremendously hurt. She's sulking now and maybe not as indifferent as she pretends to be. 

I had one cup of coffee and that's all I needed to become alert. At times cups of coffee are very important to me and at other times I don't care so much and glasses of milk are more important. They seem to hit the spot better and do the work of waking me up and keeping me mellow at the same time. I never know ahead of time if they are going to agree with my stomach but tonight they are. 

I wish for it to be the weekend another day or so because I liked the days of leisure that I had. Except for the events on the news, not much exciting happened and that was fine with me. I was affected by these events and they did touch me in more ways than one. I was angry about the one and sad about the other. You can't help but have these things bother you and you do spend time thinking about them and pondering the effects of them on a group of people in specific and the country as a whole.

I must go back to bed now and finish sleeping. I'll have to eat something first because I'm hungry. I think I'll have some Greek yoghurt. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Making sense of nonsense...

Despite my initial misgivings about the day, it turned out fine and I'm not at all dissatisfied with it. I was in a good mood for most of it and enjoyed myself no matter what I was doing. Even when I did the rather large pile of dishes which I had let stack up over the past three days. It was large by my standards anyway. All the tall glasses were dirty and that doesn't happen very often. 

I also did a load of laundry, although the washing machine wasn't quite full. I didn't have enough things to wash and had to run it anyway. I had to get this load done before I change the sheets on my bed. Those will have to be washed next, but I won't be able to hang them outside to dry because it's going to be raining. The load on the clothes rack will have to dry first before I can hang up the sheets. 

I didn't take a nap this afternoon because I slept late this morning. I had a series of interesting dreams that I had to sit and think about when I woke up. They certainly were intriguing and I tried to make some sense of their symbolism because they were scattered with it. I think I understood most of them and will apply their wisdom to my life. They can be great insights into your own psyche. 

I did hit a slump at the end of the afternoon and had to make some coffee to get me over it. I would have liked to take a little nap, but I figured that it was too late in the day for that and to save my sleep for tonight. The caffeine perked me up and now I'm alright again. I'm just about as fit as a fiddle. I would like to be able to play the fiddle also, but maybe in my next life I'll be musically talented. I have great hopes for my next life. 

I thought we were going to have a sunshiny day, but it was overcast all day long and it continually looked like it was going to rain. At least it wasn't cold and I only had to wear my short leather jacket when I walked the dog. We're having very mild weather for the time of year. It's going to rain tonight. It will be cozy in bed if it does and I will open the bedroom window and listen to it. I never do tire of that sound. 

I've got to make something to eat before the eight o'clock news comes on. I think I will also put on my pajamas and bathrobe and get comfortable in the armchair. It will be an evening to veg out in front of the TV.

I hope you'll all have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Own up to nothing...

I just walked the dog in the late afternoon autumn sun. It was pleasant to be out there because it wasn't too cold and there was no wind to speak of. I had to enjoy it extra much because tomorrow it's going to start raining and it will be done with the fun. I wanted to tell the dog to enjoy the weather, but I don't think he would have cared one way or the other. It's all the same to him. 

I'm having a much needed cup of coffee and it is agreeing with me better than the glass of milk I tried earlier. The milk upset my stomach and caused me to have much discomfort. I'm not back to normal yet. I think now that I must have some bacterial or viral infection because I really felt ill too while I was having these stomach problems. While I am having them still. 

Tonight I'm going to make a very light chicken soup and hope for the best. I'm not going to put any vermicelli in it and basically keep it as simple as possible. It will be mostly bouillon. My personal helper said that I should keep my electrolytes in balance and to do that with something salty. So soup it is.

There, I've already told you more than I was planning to. I was going to keep it light and simple, just like my soup. I wasn't planning on going into a lengthy discourse on my stomach. 

I'm so ready for my glasses to be ready. I'm anticipating a phone call every day, but it may take another week. I've gone so long without glasses, I should be able to wait that much longer. I'm just very impatient to have them. Every day I'm second guessing if I picked the right pair, but I won't know for sure until I've got them on. And then it will be too late to change my mind. 

I've forgotten to watch the news. Now I'm ignorant until later this evening. Luckily, I get a second opportunity. There are political shenanigans going on again. Aren't there always? 

I must make soup to strengthen me. I can't face it on an empty stomach. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Neutrality...

All moments should be as simple as this one. Every minute should be as uncomplicated as this one is. Unfortunately, today they aren't and I find myself at times filled with anxiety. 

I know why that is. It's because I wasn't able to stick to the diet because of unforeseen circumstances. It wasn't really because of a fault of my own, but still it makes me feel highly uncomfortable. Going on the diet was a big deal, going off it is an even bigger deal. 

I don't generally do well with changes in my life and this is a double whammy. On top of that I had the discomfort of the stomach problems. It's all been too upsetting for me and I wonder how I would deal with a real crisis. 

Well, it's the seemingly small problems in life that are always the hardest to tackle. Those are the ones that sneak up on you. It's the bigger things we are better prepared for and get the most support in. 

I must say that I consider myself fortunate that I don't have to deal with any big problems and that this is a relative small one that I have to tackle. I do have to count my blessings, after all. I must never forget to do that. God forbid that I should start thinking that my life is overly complicated. 

See how everything is relative? I started off worrying and before you know it, I've talked myself right out of it. I must just accept that I can't follow that silly diet and that I have a sensitive stomach. A stomach with an instruction booklet. That's all, no more, no less. 

At least I'm able to drink a cup of coffee with milk in it, that's truly a blessing. You know how much I want my cup of coffee. How much I need it. I'm not the same woman if I haven't had it. It perks me up tremendously if I'm in need of it. I won't be drinking tea any time soon. I had not such a good experience with it. 

The sun has been shining all day and the dog and the cat have been sitting in front of the window watching the world come by. It has been very entertaining to them because it has been very busy and lots of people have walked through the street. It's been like watching TV for them. 

I've got to see if I can catch the latest news and find out about the state of the country. I hope it's not going to hell in a hand basket yet. According to our able politicians, it isn't.

Ciao,

Nora

Doing what comes naturally...

I've just taken the dog for a walk in the crisp evening air. It was truly autumn out there and it felt so good. I loved the way the cold air felt on my face. It was invigorating and renewing and it cheered me up tremendously. It was like drinking ice cold milk, I almost couldn't get enough of it. That's why it's so nice to drink a cup of hot coffee now. It warms up my stomach and my extremities. 

The caffeine itself cheers me up tremendously too, of course. I wouldn't drink coffee if weren't for that. I associate the taste with the effect. I doubt very much if I would drink it if I were not to get some kind of kick out of it. Let's face it, coffee doesn't really taste all that great. It's just another addiction. One that you get rid off if you go live on a deserted island, or so I imagine. I imagine that a lot when I consider my addictions. 

It's dark outside now and I've turned on the lights in the living room. It's quite cozy in here. The dog is asleep in the armchair and the cat is asleep on the sofa. All is well with the world. At least in this little corner of it. I can't speak for the world at large, it's way too big and complicated. I'm sure there are many people on this earth who would want to trade places with me and I would say, "Who would want to live this boring and uneventful life?" But I'm sure it looks quite safe from the outside. 

I should be happy now because tomorrow is Friday and that's got to be one of my favorite days of the week. The Exfactor will be here to have a cup of coffee and to do some groceries and my new domestic help will be here in the afternoon. After that it will be as good as the weekend in my eyes. It will be time to relax, although I must say that I've done a lot of that during the week and that I've not felt stressed at all. I think the time of anxiety ridden weekdays is over. I mostly don't get too worked up much anymore.

It's nice to be able to be relaxed and to not feel stress all the time. I'm glad I'm off the tranquilizers because I think they were a big cause of that. It will be really great to get off the sleeping pill as well, although I don't know how much influence it has on my state of mind. I'm less aware of that. I'm curious to find out how much it does. 

I've got to go and watch the news. I'm all done saying what I had to say anyway. Mostly I was just blathering. Filling the 'page' with my words. 

I hope you'll all have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

For the sake of a cup of coffee...

It was a peaceful Saturday and it went by quickly. It's already evening and it's starting to get dark outside. No doubt that is partially due to the rain clouds that have moved in. 

It's supposed to rain a little during the night, but you won't hear me complain about that. I like a little rain now and then, especially when I'm lying in bed and I can listen to it through the open window. 

The wind has picked up and there's a nice draft blowing through the apartment.  The wind is coming from the west and that's where our weather is coming from. It's from England, so whatever kind of weather they had, we are getting next. In the fall, that usually means rainy and windy weather. 

I just walked the dog and I do have to remember that a brisk walk energizes me.  I felt better when we got back to the apartment than before we left and whatever cobwebs were in my head, were completely blown away. 

We had walked quickly because the dog was in a hurry the whole way. Sometimes he gets that way and he acts like he's chasing something. I have a hard time keeping up with him because he hardly dallies anywhere. We just go. He leads and I follow. It's like a slapstick movie. 

But it does energize me and I always feel good afterwards and I think what a lot of good exercise does and that I really should get more of it. Then I remember that I'm physically too lazy and that I like sitting in my armchair. I exercise my arm by drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of milk. 

I changed my bed and celebrated it by taking a nap in it this afternoon. I do need to recharge my batteries regularly. All the mental activity that I engage in wears me out. I live in my head too much. A nap is a break from my own thoughts. 

I'm caught up on all my chores and the apartment is amazingly clean and organized. I've got to hang up a load of laundry to dry in a little while. The washing machine just got done. Hanging up laundry is one of my favorite things to do.

The dog thinks he wants to go out again and maybe for the sake of the exercise I should take him. I think I will wait until it's bedtime and make sure he's all set for the night.

I've got to watch the news and be informed about the world. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Peacefulness is permitted too...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I'm totally at peace with myself. I don't know how long this moment is going to last, because it may only be a momentary thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I'm under its spell. 

Some feelings slip through your fingers like grains of sand and peacefulness is one of them. You have to take full advantage of it while you hold onto it for as long as you can. It can be gone like dust in the wind in no time. A feeling like peacefulness is so fleeting. 

I don't want to rationalize myself out of it and will just try to stay in this mood. It's the kindest way to be at the moment, but I'm aware of the precariousness of my situation. Once you start discussing your feelings, rationalizing them is not far away.  It's when the need for logic starts to creep in. 

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he told me that my rapid cycling was a reaction to the increase in my antidepressants. He said that whenever there was an increase or decrease in a medication, there would be a reaction like a pendulum that started swinging. It will stop swinging as I get adjusted to the change, because it's not the dose itself that causes the problem.

He also asked me to call him by his first name and for us to say 'you' to each other and no longer 'thee.' We've been very formal up to this point, but I suppose that we've reached that time that we can be more relaxed. It will take some time to get used to and we have to make sure that we don't overstep boundaries, but I think it will be okay. I want to make sure I don't slip into some sort of casualness. 

Today is going to be a completely empty day and I have mixed feelings about it. I appreciate the freedom that I'll have, but now that I feel better, I regret the fact that I don't do anything with it. 

It's early times, though, and I still have to wait for the antidepressants to start working properly, which will take a few weeks. I am really in limbo now and can't make any big decisions until I know what I'll end up like and how much I'll dare do. I have to wait a while for the end result. If there is ever going to be one. 

At least I've got the animals to keep me busy and enough exciting events on the news to keep me occupied. I do watch the news during the day and stay informed of the latest developments. 

I'm doing an awful lot of bonding with the dog and he seems most pleased about it. Sometimes, or a lot of times, he sits in front of me and looks at me in complete adoration. I talk to him about anything and everything and he thinks it's all just great. Sometimes he understands me and his ears perk up. Sometimes he talks back.

Well, it's time to take my peacefulness and go to sleep with it. I will lie in bed and listen to the radio until I drift off. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Fake it until you make it...

I took two tranquilizers a while ago and I've been sitting here waiting for them to work before I got down to the business of writing a post. I want to write a good humored post and not one steeped in seriousness and sorrow. There's no need for that, but I did need to get rid of a little bit of stress. It's better to feel as relaxed as possible and I did have permission from my psychiatrist to use the tranquilizers as I needed them.

I'm sitting here in a dimly lighted living room. Outside it has just started to rain again like it has been on and off all day. Luckily, I managed to stay nearly dry when I had to go out in it. I only got sprinkled on a little bit. I did get a wet bottom from my bicycle seat, but that was the least of my worries. It dried in no time at all. That's what happens when your bike is parked outside during a rain shower and you have nothing to wipe your seat off with.

I've walked the dog and the wind was blowing hard. It wasn't a real pleasure to be out there. It would have been if I had been dressed warmer maybe. It feels like autumn outside. It's only 59F and it's August. It's as cold as it gets in San Francisco in the summertime.

Right, so I have seen my psychiatrist and it was a very tough visit. He said I was severely depressed. I exposed all the negative feelings imaginable and he showed the patience of a saint until I became more reasonable. He has increased my antidepressants, although I told him that I had no faith in them. He said that it was the only option available right now. We are not going to mess with other medication. It would upset my equilibrium, but I said it was already upset. Ha ha!

He is a tough cookie, this psychiatrist. He is as stubborn and all knowing as I am. He really does know his business. I'm at his mercy. When he says no, he means no.

All I can hope for is improvement and I know it takes time. I have to be patient and think long term and not take the short view. I have to act like everything is okay until it is. That means stepping outside myself and not dwelling on everything that's wrong. It means ignoring a lot of things. It's pretty much what I've been doing all along. I'm good at that. 

I've got to go and watch the news. There's lots going on in the world. Even I know that. You can't close your eyes to it. Much as I'd like to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Quality time...

I had to put on my bathrobe because I was sitting here in my pajamas in the middle of the night getting decidedly cold after having had a glass of ice cold milk. I already had my requisite cups of coffee and, of course, I couldn't go past my limit. 

I didn't need to anyway because I felt good enough and they weren't warming up my stomach all that much. At least I'm not sitting here mindlessly drinking one cup after another until I'm sick of them. I do have enough sense to make just enough coffee for two cups and that's it.

I'm ever so much more comfortable in my bathrobe now. It envelops me like a warm blanket and I'm so cozy in it. It really isn't that cold in here, even though the bedroom windows are still open. It never does cool off in the apartment that quickly. That's a blessing in the wintertime and it hasn't been hot enough this summer for it to be a problem. 

Yesterday went by so quickly. It hardly felt like a full day at all. Of course, I slept for half of it because I didn't get up until past noontime and when I woke up, I thought it was still early because everything was so quiet. I was surprised to see what time it was on the alarm clock.

I had to sit and drink my two cups of coffee in peace and quiet and then slowly get ready to go see my sister and her friend, but I dawdled too long and had to rush in the end. I picked out my outfit in a hurry, but it was a good one and I felt comfortable in it. Pretty enough, anyway. 

The weather wasn't bad. There were clouds, but there also was enough sunshine and the temperatures weren't bad. We were able to sit in the garden and have a long conversation with cappuccinos. 

My sister's friend, who's a chemist, had made me a night creme based on honey. I had casually mentioned to him that I needed one for fine, dry skin and he had made it especially for me. It's very nice and it smells delicious. See how easily such a special wish can come true? You just have to know the right people.

When I got home, I walked the dog and watched sports on TV. Football season has started, so there were a lot of rundowns on the games that had been played. Everybody wants to win whatever league championship is coming up first and they are already calculating their chances. A little prematurely, I think. 

The news that I watched was all dire. There is no good news nowadays. You have to have a brave heart to watch it or be steeped in ignorance. Economic crises are being politicized. The financial markets are full of emotions. There's an undercurrent of panic. People are losing their heads. 

I try to stay calm because I'm nobody and don't count. I'm at the bottom of the ladder. A tiny little fish in the very big sea. A sardine. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Drinking cups of coffee...

I've taken a nap and watched the news, but neither of these things have done anything to restore my sanity. I realized that I was in need of caffeine and saw myself forced to make a pot of coffee. 

I'm drinking my second cup and I know I will have a third one because I'm slowly coming to my senses. I no longer feel the need to commit suicide. That's a relief anyway. In a little while I may even be able to put on a happy face. 

Caffeine does normally have that effect. It works as good as any medicine. Why bother with a 'happy pill' if you can have a cup of coffee? 

I'm not doing well and see the shadow of the 'black dog' who's wandering around again. I'm showing all the signs of an upcoming depression and have already sent my psychiatrist an email to that effect. I've been fighting this feeling for a while and it's better to acknowledge it and ring the warning bell. 

It's not so smart to ignore help when help is available. It's no good trying to muddle through on your own and to fight a losing battle. You can act like you're tough when you're really being foolhardy.

Except for the news, there's not a thing of interest on TV tonight to distract me. Tomorrow night there will be a thriller on, but tonight there is just the usual fare for the masses. I suppose I will act like one and try to be amused anyway.

I still have to eat dinner, but I can't get excited about it. I will blame that on the 'black dog.' 

I have to go in search of a better mood. Maybe I left it lying around somewhere. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

The mildness of the early morning...

Last night I closed all the windows and turned on the heater, that's how cold I was. This is after I had put on my bathrobe over my clothes and I had put on socks also. I couldn't get warm enough. 

It was wonderful to have the heater on for a while, but I turned it off before I went to bed. I haven't opened the windows yet, but I will later this morning because I can't hear the rain that's falling and I do miss the sound of it. 

It's not going to be very warm today and I will wear warmer clothes than I did yesterday. I'm going to have to put away all the clothes I have worn in the last few days because I've left them lying around. They're very easily put away in the closet, but I've been lazy. 

I stayed up late last night because I watched the thriller 'Wallander' and it wasn't on until late. It was an exciting episode and worth staying up for. I think the month of many thrillers every week is over now because there isn't one on tonight, much to my regret. It will be plain old boring TV again from now on. 

That means I will be doing more reading possibly. I've started reading 'The Abortionist's Daughter' and am somewhat interested in it. It hasn't quite grabbed me the way I had hoped it would, but I will stick with it. I don't want to give up too easily. Maybe I'm not the reader I once was. 

Today will be the last stage of the Tour de France which I have been following to some extend. Both the television and the radio have been doing live broadcasts and have built other talk shows around it. There's been a lot of coverage. It's been hard to ignore it. There will be an exciting finish today because the winner is not yet clear. 

There's been a lot of television and radio coverage about the mass killings in Norway. We get hourly updates on that and it is an awfully gruesome thing. The Norwegians have been shocked to the core as theirs is a relatively safe country. I think we would all be very shocked if it happened to us. It's a very sad thing indeed. My heart goes out to the parents of all those young people that were killed. 

Since it's Sunday today, it is the inevitable day of rest, but there will be some chores I have to do, the laundry being one of them. Before I do anything, I will go back to bed and sleep some more. It's too early to start the day. 

It's stopped raining, but I will open the windows anyway to air out the place. With a little bit of luck it will rain again more soon so I can listen to the soothing sound of it. 

Have a good Sunday, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Cowgirls don't get the blues...

I've done my duty and walked the dog. That's how I looked at it this evening. I felt it was something that had to be done and not like something I was in the mood for doing. No doubt the total lack of excitement of the route has something to do with that. 

It doesn't get very exciting in the suburbs, especially not when all the wildflowers have been mowed down. Although I must say that at the edges of the fields, some dare to stick up their heads and bloom. A small, shy amount of them. The man with the weed eater hasn't been by yet.

He would do me a big favor if he stayed away. It would make my walk with the dog more interesting. I'd like the man with the grass mower to stay away too and for the fields to go more wild, but I suppose that's too much to ask. I'm sure that the people who live around them want just plain old short grass. 

It's getting dark in the living room because rain clouds have moved in and the sun has set behind the houses across the street. I'm noticing that the days are getting shorter already and I don't want it to happen. I'm sighing, "Where did the summer go?" 

We had a beautiful spring, but not much of a summer yet. It's been mostly cool and rainy and it's hardly felt like summer at all. In ten days it will be August already and that seems too soon. I've been warmly dressed most of the time. I've even worn my leather jacket. 

The series 'Pride and Prejudice' is going to be repeated on TV again. I guess they suppose that enough women want to watch it again during these boring summer months. I will probably watch it myself for lack of a better program. It's the one in which Collin Firth became famous. It will be worth watching it just to see him. The first episode is on tonight. 

I was going to write about the blues, but I've decided not to. It's a depressing subject. Maybe I'll be able to write about it lightheartedly another time.

I've got to eat dinner and watch the news. Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora