Obviously...

It's clear that I feel the need to write a post and you may ask yourself why when I have written one not such a long time ago. It's obvious, of course, I like to see my thoughts reflected back to me in black and white. It makes me feel that I really exist. Without the act of putting down my thoughts in a structured form, they would not take on any real meaning and would not become as clear to me. 

This is really a way of thinking out loud and giving shape to what is yet unformed in my head. The best thing about writing them down is rereading them and gaining understanding. I reread them immediately and some time later down the line when I have forgotten them and can be pleasantly surprised again. They usually offer some insight into the way I rationalize my behavior and think things through. It's a way of analyzing myself. 

I read between the lines and remember whatever was important to me at the time and what sort of mood I was in and what I didn't put down. My memory does not forsake me yet. I'm carried back instantly to the time I wrote it. Whole scenarios play themselves out in front of my eyes. Luckily, lately there's not been a lot of drama. 

The end of drama came with the end of my marriage so there has been no drama for almost four years, except for the occasianl bout. Those occur less and less frequently as I slowly normalize. If the word exists, it is possible to become it so I want no arguments about that. 

Speaking of exes, the Exfactor will not be able to go grocery shopping today so I will have to go without Greek yoghurt and bananas and vanilla pudding. That is a hardship that I had not counted on. I had planned everything down to this very day. I will have to eat different foods today and those are whatever is left in the cupboards and the refrigerator. I'm sure I'll manage but it won't be as exciting. I've got enough milk anyway and enough instant coffee. 

I haven't gotten my new telephone number in the mail yet so officially I can't make any phone calls. Of course I've got my mobile phone so I'm not cut off from the world conpletely. I had memorized my other number really well and hope the new one is equally easy to remember. I'm going to be very careful about who I give it to. Few people will have it. If I had known it was going to be such a problem having a land line, I wouldn't have done it. Now I'm stuck with the consequences. 

It's time for me to drink some buttermilk. It's the first glass I'm going to have. I look forward to it very much and I hope it's a s good as I remember it. It's been in the refrigerator for a couple of days and so far I've been able to resist it. It should be very thirst quenching anyway. Hmmm...that reminds me of buttermilk pancakes!

I hope you all had a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

For the sake of a cup of coffee...

It was a peaceful Saturday and it went by quickly. It's already evening and it's starting to get dark outside. No doubt that is partially due to the rain clouds that have moved in. 

It's supposed to rain a little during the night, but you won't hear me complain about that. I like a little rain now and then, especially when I'm lying in bed and I can listen to it through the open window. 

The wind has picked up and there's a nice draft blowing through the apartment.  The wind is coming from the west and that's where our weather is coming from. It's from England, so whatever kind of weather they had, we are getting next. In the fall, that usually means rainy and windy weather. 

I just walked the dog and I do have to remember that a brisk walk energizes me.  I felt better when we got back to the apartment than before we left and whatever cobwebs were in my head, were completely blown away. 

We had walked quickly because the dog was in a hurry the whole way. Sometimes he gets that way and he acts like he's chasing something. I have a hard time keeping up with him because he hardly dallies anywhere. We just go. He leads and I follow. It's like a slapstick movie. 

But it does energize me and I always feel good afterwards and I think what a lot of good exercise does and that I really should get more of it. Then I remember that I'm physically too lazy and that I like sitting in my armchair. I exercise my arm by drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of milk. 

I changed my bed and celebrated it by taking a nap in it this afternoon. I do need to recharge my batteries regularly. All the mental activity that I engage in wears me out. I live in my head too much. A nap is a break from my own thoughts. 

I'm caught up on all my chores and the apartment is amazingly clean and organized. I've got to hang up a load of laundry to dry in a little while. The washing machine just got done. Hanging up laundry is one of my favorite things to do.

The dog thinks he wants to go out again and maybe for the sake of the exercise I should take him. I think I will wait until it's bedtime and make sure he's all set for the night.

I've got to watch the news and be informed about the world. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

No depth to them tonight...

I didn't have any deep existentialist thoughts when I woke up tonight, which is just as well as I don't want to overburden my mind too much, although it did give me some blog fodder yesterday. It gave me a subject to write about anyway, while now I'm going to have to pull a rabbit out of my hat, so to speak. Writing cold turkey, with nothing specific on my mind, is a real challenge and I don't know if I can pull it off. 

There, I've already mentioned two animals that I'm not in possession of. A rabbit and a turkey and they are both good to eat. I can testify to that. I ate them both when I was still eating meat and could very easily eat them again, except that my conscious would bother me too much, but I sure did enjoy the taste of them. 

I generally like eating meat, providing it is cooked well and doesn't remind me of the animal too much. I dislike cold luncheon meats, especially if it has bits and chunks in it, but I do like ham as it is unrecognizable and tasty. But of course, I don't eat any of it anymore, except for the chicken in chicken and pasta soup. 

I do make an exception for that. I figure I need the little bit of protein I get from it and it is good for me. I can't be a full time saint. I find it difficult to be the best kid in the class all the time. I try to ignore the hopeless fate of the chickens as much as possible when I eat the soup. 

Actually, my favorite dish to eat when I still ate meat was roasted quail and lobster. I would have walked a mile for it. It was finger licking good and very decadent. I think I will have it for my last meal. The lobster at any rate, dipped in melted butter. Oh, I get hungry just thinking about it. I'm a principled meat loving vegetarian.

Well, let's talk about something other than food or I'm going to have to raid the refrigerator. Not that there are very exciting things in there. I do take care that there aren't. There are only the basics in there and nothing really decadent at all. You will find no Belgian bonbons there, icy cold and ready to pop into my mouth. Or ice cream in the freezer. There's chocolate pudding there, but I save that for dessert. It's a rule. 

Some rules about food can't be broken and I live by them as strictly as I live with my own particular day and night schedule. I eat certain things at certain times of the day and I sleep and take naps at certain times of the day and night. I find that predictability is the most comfortable and what I'm the most at ease with. If I do things at certain preset times, I'm most likely to get through the day and night successfully.

I'm having a tall glass of ice cold milk now and it usually takes care of any cravings I have, whatever sort of a craving it is. My taste buds and stomach get fooled into thinking they're having something really good and are satisfied, Isn't that an easy solution? I lose my longing for ice cream right away and I don't need to eat bonbons because my stomach gets full. 

There, it all started out with a rabbit and a turkey and that's where I'll end and I'm so not hungry for them now. These are the deepest thoughts I had tonight. They were all about food and for a change not about clothes, which is another subject I like to write about. More on that later, no doubt. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you'll have a good morning. I was dressed almost warm enough yesterday. It was a bit chillier than I expected. It will be again today. It's hard to decide what to wear. I hope you have nice weather.

Ciao,

Nora

It's tomorrow already...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette wasting my time. I should be asleep and I had vowed that I would be, but I woke up nevertheless. Never one to miss an opportunity, I'm writing a post, of course. What else is there to do in the middle of the night? 

I have to wait until I get sleepy again and it may take some time and that's not because I had the coffee. I will sleep regardless of it. I just have to get into the proper mindset to go to sleep again. I have to long for my bed and I'm not there yet. 

I am yawning, so that's a good sign. I have a tear rolling down my cheek. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning so hard that I have to be careful not to dislocate my jaw.

I can't take myself seriously right now and I feel that anything I write will be nonsense. That's because I don't want to write about anything serious. I want to leave all those subjects alone. I only want to write about things that don't matter, like about how good the coffee tastes and how good that glass of milk is going to taste that I'm going to have in a minute. 

I feel like having a banana split with a huge dollop of whipped cream on top. Real whipped cream, not the kind that comes from a can. Some ice cream would taste real good right now. Vanilla with real bits of vanilla bean in it. I will make myself happy with the cold milk instead. That's almost as good. 

It rained all day yesterday which made it cozy to be inside, but I did have to turn the lights on and I had the heater on too later in the day. I even wore warm clothes. My mood went from bad to worse and I slept all afternoon, which made me feel better. Sleep always restores me. It bans bad thoughts. 

I've got to go back to bed and sleep as long as I possibly can. I have to set some kind of record. I mustn't be fooled into getting up in a few hours. I must stay in bed and sleep. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

What a life...

The first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning, is turn on the computer. God forbid that I should be alone with my own thoughts which this morning are especially foul. But since everything is temporary, I have to assume that these will also improve and that I will be feeling right as rain in no time at all. To that end, I have just taken my medicines and am drinking my second cup of coffee. If they are going to help at all, I should see improvement in a short amount of time.

It's terrible to wake up in a bad mood. To feel so grumpy that you don't even like yourself anymore. That you are your own worst enemy. When you feel like pummeling yourself in the head and going back to bed to crawl under the covers and not come out again. Of course, you know a situation like that can't go on and that you need to change it, but it has to be within your means. You have to have the methods to do something about it. I have coffee and medicines, but what does an ordinary person have? A cup of tea and lots of goodwill? 

I do have goodwill too, I guess. I have to reach inside myself and pull it out and apply it to myself because there's nobody else around to do it. It's a one woman operation, although I guess when you're surrounded by other people it still comes down to you. You still have to rescue yourself from your own negative thoughts, even if you are showered with kindness and love. Unless you believe you deserve them, they're not going to do you much good. Or does a little bit of kindness go a long way? We are social animals, after all, and get our strokes from other people.

Thank goodness that today is Friday again. The last day of the workweek and the beginning of the weekend. The domestic help will finally be here again after quite an absence because of the holidays and there is much work for her to do. I will have to do the preparatory chores before she gets here, but after she leaves it will properly be the weekend and I can celebrate that. Why is that such a big deal to me? I should be used to it by now. Every weekend is a breather in the week. A big time out.

I will start the day by taking Tyke out for a walk. The fresh air will do wonders. It ought to wake me up like nothing else will, although I wish it was a walk along a beach by the sea. Don't you wish you could pick your scenery? 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting started...

Because it's Sunday, I had a convoluted day. I spent a lot of the night awake and slept all of the morning. I didn't get up until 1 pm and took my time getting my act together. I was very much discombobulated and needed two tranquilizers to settle down. Then I took the dog for a walk in the icy cold. Although the sun was shining, there was frost on everything, but the cold air felt good on my face and I was dressed warm enough. 

The dog doesn't seem to be bothered by the cold at all, but then he does have on his own winter coat. That's why I don't want to get him trimmed right now, but I am going to have to consider it next month when it is going to get too long and some of it is going to have to get cut off. Maybe he can get partially trimmed and not as severely as he was  the last time. I think he's going to be too cold if it is. 

I need to get back to a normal schedule tonight, because tomorrow regular life starts again. It's okay to be careless for a little while, but I can't keep doing it. I do have to have structure and having a normal night's sleep is one of the things that comes with it. I don't actually enjoy being off my normal schedule like I used to. I do appreciate sleeping through the night. I have a better day if I do. Getting up in the middle of the night is not the thrill it used to be, but then again, I may have made that claim before. 

The sun is going down and it is getting cold in here. I've just turned up the thermostat. I'm shivering in my thinner cardigan. I decided to wear it, because the other one was to warm, I thought. I think I'll make myself a cup of hot chocolate to heat up my insides. It would be nice if I had marshmallows to put in it, but that's wishful thinking.  I'd probably finish the bag of marshmallows before I'd finish the package of chocolate mix. It would still be nice, though. 

I'm just now beginning to feel normal. All this time I've felt that I've been in a bad dream that I could not wake up from. I must have finally got back to my senses. It sure took long enough. I feel like I've walked out of a confusing place into a place where everything makes sense. I can think straight again. It happened as quickly as opening a door and walking through it, but it really makes me think of the saying that when God closes a door somewhere, he opens a window some place else. That's what it feels like. 

I've made my cup of hot chocolate and very delicious it is too. Very filling also. I can't drink it too quickly, otherwise I'll start burping, but since I'm here on my own, it doesn't matter too much. The animals don't mind. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Several cups of coffee later...

I'm all done drinking coffee for this morning. I've had almost three cups and that is about my limit. That's all I can handle. I have to switch to milk or juice next. I'm awfully thirsty, so whatever it's going to be, it is going to be a tall glassful. 

I've been sitting here for a while, completely wasting my time. I haven't got anything to show for it. But then again, I am allowed to have completely wasteful times too. I can't always be productive. Sometimes I sit behind the computer and I'm sunk deep in thought instead of writing or reading. A thought will hit me and I can spend some time turning it this way and that in my mind, until I'm done with it and lock it up some place safe. 

It's completely quiet outside. It's not storming nor raining, although I know it is going to again later today. At least it's not going to be so awfully cold. We won't have to worry about the rain turning into snow the way it did in Scandinavia. Thank goodness for that. The rain doesn't actually come down in a deluge and sometimes it's blown horizontally by the wind. I noticed that last night when I was riding my bike home from the gas station. I got it straight in my face. It would have been pleasant had it been summertime. 

I'm drinking a glass of juice, but it's making me burp something awful. It sounds like a regular factory at work. When you have a gastric band, you can never consume anything noiselessly. There are always sound effects. You constantly have to say: "Oh, excuse me." But to you it is the most normal thing in the world. I've gotten so used to making noise when I eat and drink, that I almost forget to apologize. I could never have tea and cakes with the queen, because I would constantly be burping. Not that I'm expecting an invitation. 

I've got my bathrobe on, because it did cool off in here a bit and I didn't want to turn on the heater. I'm going back to bed in a little while to sleep some more. I had a short night and woke up in a sweat again. I must talk to my doctor about that. 

I've let Tyke outside in the pitch dark and he wouldn't come back inside. I had to go get him on my bare feet on the wet patio that's strewn with leaves. I don't know what he found out there, but he was very interested in something. He still wants to go outside now, but I won't let him until it gets light. I want to see what he found. Maybe it is a hedgehog. 

Alright, I've just taken my medicines and I'm going back to bed. I am sleepy now. It will be nice to get under the clean covers and spend a few more hours sleeping. 

I wish you all a good morning. 

Ciao,
Nora