Tuesday, August 9, 2011

On a rainy morning...

I wrote a rather despondent post last night that may have caused you all some concern. I don't want to take any of it back, but now that it's morning, I do want to write another post to soften the blow a little bit. 

I was literally sick to my stomach when I got up because I realized that I appeared to have set a deadline by which I had to commit suicide, when in reality I had done no such thing. To me it felt that way and I felt under a lot of pressure to get it done by a certain date. 

It is with quite a bit of relief that I come to realize now that there is no deadline and that I have all sorts of leeway and that I can give it the proper thought it demands. I don't very desperately have to jump in front of a moving train. 

There's the possibility that there's a solution too, of course. Maybe I'm on the wrong medication. Maybe there's an antidepressant that will work better for me. I won't know these things until I've comprehensively discussed them with my psychiatrist. 

I have a short appointment with him today and I don't know how much work we can get done. I had not planned on this being a complex appointment. I can make lots of other ones. 

I'm grasping at straws. I realize that, but where there's hope, there's life. To tell you the truth, I'm sacred shitless that there will be no solution because then there's only one way out.



Bernie said...

Hello my friend, it is way past my bed time but since my surgery I am way off my routine. I thought I would check to see if you were up posting before I turned my light out. I am glad you are seeing your doctor today, please tell him/her how you are feeling, let them help. You do sound a bit better. Praying for a good day for you, sending big hugs.....:-)

Maggie May said...

I'm glad I missed that post, Nora. Please remember that I am desperately trying to live..... when you get these thoughts.
I have heard that some anti-psychotics can make some people obsessed by suicidal thoughts... PROZAC I think.
Please check it out with your doctor and I do hope that you will not do anything rash.
Your dog & cat need you.
Your family need you ..... we all need you! Remember that, my friend.
You are important to us.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Twain12 said...

i missed that post too and i'm also glad that you see your psychiatrist today.I hope you can figure something out .
Please be good to yourself ♥

Anonymous said...

You do sound better today, just a bit more hopeful ... and I'm more hopeful for you, too. I've never been where you are, so of course I really have no idea what it's like for you. But please do take care and know that there are people (and animals!) to whom you matter very much. I hope your psychiatrist appointment today goes well, too.

Wisewebwoman said...

Wow Nora maybe I was meant to miss it too.
Sounds very disturbing, so glad you are seeing your support team and that something will be done.