I wrote a rather despondent post last night that may have caused you all some concern. I don't want to take any of it back, but now that it's morning, I do want to write another post to soften the blow a little bit.
I was literally sick to my stomach when I got up because I realized that I appeared to have set a deadline by which I had to commit suicide, when in reality I had done no such thing. To me it felt that way and I felt under a lot of pressure to get it done by a certain date.
It is with quite a bit of relief that I come to realize now that there is no deadline and that I have all sorts of leeway and that I can give it the proper thought it demands. I don't very desperately have to jump in front of a moving train.
There's the possibility that there's a solution too, of course. Maybe I'm on the wrong medication. Maybe there's an antidepressant that will work better for me. I won't know these things until I've comprehensively discussed them with my psychiatrist.
I have a short appointment with him today and I don't know how much work we can get done. I had not planned on this being a complex appointment. I can make lots of other ones.
I'm grasping at straws. I realize that, but where there's hope, there's life. To tell you the truth, I'm sacred shitless that there will be no solution because then there's only one way out.