Wednesday, August 10, 2011

No commitment...

I have to remember that by starting to write a post, I don't make any commitment to publishing it, so if it turns into a lot of drivel, I can delete it and pretend I never wrote it. So basically I can just go ahead and write whatever is on my mind and make a decision about it later. I don't really have to censor myself while I'm writing it, although subconsciously I do anyway. 

A little while ago I took all my medicines that I had to take for the evening and now I imagine that I feel a lot better, but I suppose it's all in my head. It's all in my imagination. I'm also having my second cup of coffee and that is making me feel better also. 

I was feeling very low and depressed and felt like putting my head down and having a good cry. Not that it would help a lot. It would only upset me more, so that is why I would rather not do it. A few tears may help, but crying hysterically is no good. 

I would rather not give in to the feelings of hopelessness I sometimes feel. That I feel quite often, as a matter of fact. I've got to be a tough cookie and bounce back well when faced with reality. My interpretation of it is the only one I know and it's what I'm stuck with. I wish I could step outside myself and look at it from another perspective. I try very hard to do that, but it's a little bit weird to. It's like you become disembodied. 

I don't want to write about my depression, but it takes up so much space in my head and my life. It dominates everything. All I do is dictated by it. I can't get away from it and take a normal breath or a normal step. It's all consuming. 

I will now go sit in the armchair and watch the news. That will get my mind on something else for a while. 

Have a good evening.



Connie Rose said...

Dear One, it seems as though you might need to alter your expectations for your life and yourself. There's so much resistance to how your life actually is -- which is understandable. But perhaps you might try just giving in to the depression when it comes, "giving in" as in really experiencing what it is and what it's about instead of working so hard to avoid it or resist it. In 12-Step parlance, "the only way out is through."
Hope you've had a good Wednesday. Much love.

Maggie May said...

Mental torment is a terrible thing. All I can say is that you don't know what is round the corner..... this time last week pain was filling up everything and engulfing mind & body & soul. This week I feel it is all under control and I feel so different & am picking up interests again. All in the space of one week. So just hang in there....... your turn will come.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Bernie said...

Life sucks sometimes doesn't it, we manage to ride these waves somehow and then a day comes and the sun shines on our faces and we feel good and happy to be alive. We all have good and bad days, hope your depression passes quickly my friend.....:-)Hugs

Wisewebwoman said...

have you tried painting any of this, Nora? Might be one way to disperse some of the feelings.

It is so hard. Your friends love you.