Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Back to business...

Okay, there is to be no fooling around and things are going to be back to business as usual. I will keep a stiff upper lip and not sit here and feel sorry for myself. There is to be no whining and complaining except for when I momentarily can't stand it anymore, but then it will be very briefly. 

Last night I muttered swear words under my breath. I didn't speak the lord's name in vain, but I did mention him several times. Repeatedly, actually. It felt good and it was sort of like an incantation. It was a plea to his omnipresence, as far as that heathen heart of mine was capable of it. The catholic church would have been proud of me. I swore as well as any pastor. I did it every time reality dawned on me.

The English aren't the only ones who can keep a stiff upper lip. We Dutch people are equally good at it, though we call it something else. We have all sorts of expressions for it, none of which are really suitable for translation. I don't like them well enough anyway. We straighten our backs and turn into the wind and get ready to brave the storm. And not a peep out of you. That's just a general description.

I'm sitting here having numerous cups of coffee and I'm not keeping track of how many I've had. It doesn't seem important right now. What counts is the state of my mood and its relative wellness. If I have to chemically induce that, then so be it. It seems a minor detail in the general state of affairs. I had a lot of coffee yesterday too and I survived it well enough. I still think it has medicinal properties and is as necessary to me as my medication is.

It's early in the morning and I don't know if I will go back to bed. I very much feel like staying up and starting the day. I woke up in a terrible sweat, but I know it's not from the menopause. It's a side effect from the antidepressants and now that they've been increased, it's going to bother me more. I don't look forward to going back to bed and would have to change the sheets first anyway. It's possible that I'll hang out here in my bathrobe for quite a while longer.

At least it's possible now for me to take tranquilizers during the day which soften the edges quite a bit. I was encouraged to do this and I have no qualms about taking them, not now. I always get off them very easily too when the time is right. 

I don't know what sort of post this has turned out to be. It wasn't as normal a post as I had intended it to be. Maybe it will be the next time. I will talk about ordinary things in a more normal frame of mind. If I achieve that, of course. 

Have a good day.



Anonymous said...

There is nothing quite like a few F-bombs and similar words to make one feel a little less tense, is there? That certainly helps me when I'm in a crap mood! You are sounding more and more determined to be okay - I guess that's your Dutch stiff upper lip coming out! Just don't ever forget that if you're having a bad time, there ARE people to help and it WILL end. So glad things are looking a bit brighter for you right now. xo

Twain12 said...

well Let 'Er Rip if it helps :)