Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Truth or fiction?
I laid in bed and thought about tall apartment buildings and speeding trains and overdoses of sleeping pills, but I rejected them all as undignified or inadequate ways to end my life. That's not how I want to die. I want to die peacefully in my bed, well prepared and at the proper time. A time of my choosing.
My death can't be a desperate act and traumatic to myself and the people who have to deal with it. That won't do at all. It's not to be some dramatic happening that will cause all sorts of emotional uproar.
I found out tonight that there is such a thing as euthanasia in psychiatry and I want to look into it more and discuss it with my psychiatrist whom I'll see tomorrow.
I have for a long time now been on a dead end road and I'm done being on it. I see no purpose on continuing on it any longer. There is no purpose to it. There are no redeeming values. The only 'pleasure' I have is the momentary absence of pain and stress.
I've stopped enjoying my life. The thing that has kept me going is the ability to empty my head and have periods of oblivion when I can pretend that there's nothing wrong, indeed that there's nothing. Somehow I manage to make it through the day, but I've developed my own specific method.
In all solitariness I live my life like a nun. I'm afraid to go out and I'm uncomfortable in my own apartment. I make as little noise as I can so nobody will be bothered by me. I try to give the least offense.
I have no friends and no contact with the neighbors. Everybody is like a stranger to me.
I continually feel stress because I don't feel safe anywhere. I feel that my enemies are all around me. I feel very much alone.
I don't belong anywhere or to anybody. I don't fill a space anywhere. My life has little use except to be a sounding board to those people who need me in that function. They don't wonder if maybe I need them as sounding boards too. I'm not allowed to complain.
Therefor I have a great wish to be done with it. I'm tired of keeping up appearances. But I must do it properly. I can't take an overdose of pills unless I know that it will work. There needs to be a guarantee. I don't want any desperate measures.
It will take some time, but I'm willing to do the work. I have to get it right.
Posted by Irene at 12:29 AM