Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Truth or fiction?

I laid in bed and thought about tall apartment buildings and speeding trains and overdoses of sleeping pills, but I rejected them all as undignified or inadequate ways to end my life. That's not how I want to die. I want to die peacefully in my bed, well prepared and at the proper time. A time of my choosing.

My death can't be a desperate act and traumatic to myself and the people who have to deal with it. That won't do at all. It's not to be some dramatic happening that will cause all sorts of emotional uproar.

I found out tonight that there is such a thing as euthanasia in psychiatry and I want to look into it more and discuss it with my psychiatrist whom I'll see tomorrow.

I have for a long time now been on a dead end road and I'm done being on it. I see no purpose on continuing on it any longer. There is no purpose to it. There are no redeeming values. The only 'pleasure' I have is the momentary absence of pain and stress.

I've stopped enjoying my life. The thing that has kept me going is the ability to empty my head and have periods of oblivion when I can pretend that there's nothing wrong, indeed that there's nothing. Somehow I manage to make it through the day, but I've developed my own specific method.

In all solitariness I live my life like a nun. I'm afraid to go out and I'm uncomfortable in my own apartment. I make as little noise as I can so nobody will be bothered by me. I try to give the least offense.

I have no friends and no contact with the neighbors. Everybody is like a stranger to me.

I continually feel stress because I don't feel safe anywhere. I feel that my enemies are all around me. I feel very much alone.

I don't belong anywhere or to anybody. I don't fill a space anywhere. My life has little use except to be a sounding board to those people who need me in that function. They don't wonder if maybe I need them as sounding boards too. I'm not allowed to complain.

Therefor I have a great wish to be done with it. I'm tired of keeping up appearances. But I must do it properly. I can't take an overdose of pills unless I know that it will work. There needs to be a guarantee. I don't want any desperate measures.

It will take some time, but I'm willing to do the work. I have to get it right.


Anonymous said...

Oh Nora - please call the crisis line! You sound so world-weary and despondent and you need help to get you through this! There must be someone you can call who will listen. You ARE a very important person - we all have our own places in the world, and we all interconnect. You DO matter, very very much!

Connie Rose said...

I'm so sorry you've hit bottom. Please do what pinklea suggests and call the crisis line. You are needed and wanted on this planet, you're loved by people you may never meet but obviously you've had a positive impact on them -- including me.
PLEASE take care of yourself. Lots of hugs and lots of love.

Bernie said...

I came by tonight because I missed you and wanted to tell you. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Nora, I had to have surgery on my bowel and even though I am blessed with family and friends I was embarrassed and didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to be a nuisance. I felt exactly how you expressed you are feeling.....I was wrong Nora, when I finally confided in a friend I realized not only how blessed I was but how selfish I was being by not allowing people to help me, they wanted too be there for me just as I love being there for people. Hang in there sweetie, talk with someone you trust, this will pass, there will be better times I promise. I am trusting in your beautiful spirit that all will be well, wish I were closer so that I could give you a big hug. You mean so much to me and all of your blog friends I'm sure. We love hearing your stories of the ex factor, I love knowing how much you enjoy 2 cups of strong coffee and glasses of cold milk. I smile when you speak about your pets who love and need you. You are special to so many and right now do not realize it, Take care my friend/I care.....:-)