No matter how malcontented I am during the day, I always feel so much better during the night. I think that maybe I should judge how well I'm doing only by taking my measure at night and not during the day when it could be anything from bad to worse. I'm most definitely not in a position to give a rational answer during the day. Whatever circumstances prevail then influence me for the worse.
I notice that I'm especially influenced by the company of other people and that their presence has a negative effect on me. Other people's company does not do me good, on the contrary. It wears me out and turns me into a pessimist. Usually I can't wait for them to be gone so I can be left in peace with my own simple thoughts. I don't like their intrusive presence and questions and fixated interest in me. I don't like how they try to fit my thoughts into boxes with labels.
Maybe I hang out with the wrong people, there's the distinct possibility of that. My personal helper is going to be two weeks off and I will see how well I do without her presence during that time. I'm looking forward to the emotional freedom. Maybe I'll disconnect from her after that. We are both at a point where we're wondering what her role in my life is anymore. It is possible that she is obsolete and that she's even become an obstacle. She gets too stuck in trying to rescue me when I don't want to be rescued.
I've got to write about something more cheerful than this. Be assured then that I'm enjoying this moment to the best of my ability. I've got my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and the quiet peacefulness of the night. All is not right with the world, but some things are. I can pretend to be in a timeless place where nothing is important and in the end, I will go back to bed to sleep some more, providing the coffee doesn't keep me awake.
Today, the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, which is very good because I'm just about out of milk and you know what a disaster that is. I'm also out of vanilla pudding and have been for some time. I do miss it very much. It's the creamy smoothness that I miss so much. I could eat liters of the stuff. My gastric band prohibits it.
I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon. I don't know if I'll go there with any sort of expectations. A lot of it depends on what mood I'll find myself in. The appointment is at a time when I usually take a nap, so it will be a little rough to stay up. I think I have to work on my attitude and I will discuss that. I need a change of it. I need a positive kick in the pants. I can't wish to become better and wish to be dead at the same time.
I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm drinking the last of the milk and it's settling me down, I'm even yawning.
I hope you'll all have a good day today.