It's late in the evening and I haven't been asleep yet. I've not been in the proper mood to go to bed yet, although I've considered it seriously. I've put my pajamas on, so I'm at least to that point. I will go when I'm good and ready and not a moment before that.
There's all the time in the world to go to bed and there's no need to rush it. I can sit here an enjoy the quiet peacefulness of the evening and the serenity of my own mood as long as I like, or as long as it lasts. I've taken two doses of tranquilizers and I feel extremely calm and mellow now and I want to take advantage of the feeling.
I wasn't having such a stress free day as I have been having for the past three days. My mood wasn't nearly as cheerful and I didn't feel nearly as optimistic. I tried to force it to be, but it was a pretty useless exercise and I finally decided to give up on it and just go with the flow, which meant feeling somber and down and nervous about things.
I did want to take the tranquilizers to take the edge off everything, though, and to not sit here and feel that I was a tortured woman. My mood was such a contrast to how I felt before that it was painful to undergo. It makes me doubt myself and everything I believe in. It makes me hate the complicatedness of me.
That's when I think I need a break from myself and I plan in an emotional time out. I can't really think past the next couple of moments now and I must keep everything very simple. I'll worry about what I'll do after I've written this post when the time comes.
At least I have the mellowness and the serenity of my present mood, although it's chemically induced. It hasn't made any of my concerns go away, of course. It has just pushed them to the background and I hope that by tomorrow they will have disappeared again as snow for the sun. Each day is a new day with new possibilities and every day I try all over again. There are constantly new beginnings.
I mustn't paint such a dire picture. You'd think the end of the world had arrived. It has only momentarily. I'm sure things will turn around in the shortest amount of time and I will see the golden lining again. I'm awfully tired, though, of seeing things either in black or white without the usual nuances. Right now, euthanasia seems like an attractive option again while it was the furthest thing from my mind yesterday.
I need to lighten up before I end this post. There's a chemical imbalance in my mind and it is causing me to think this way. This is not the rational me speaking. This is some befuddled version of me spouting midnight thoughts after a long hard day. In my fear, I'm trying to reach out and touch all of you to get reassuring thoughts in return.