Trying to get happy...

I'm drinking a cup of coffee and trying to get happy because I'm not right now. I just woke up from a nap and I'm really down in the dumps. I hope the caffeine will get me out of them soon. I really see the glass very empty and thoughts of doom are haunting me. I so dislike feeling this way, but I don't know how to feel differently. I don't know how to get there. 

I know what the cause of my bad feelings is. I can't do much about changing it. It lies outside myself and all I can do is change the way I react to it. Change the way I deal with it. I haven't found a method yet and I do worry.

When confronted so directly with other people's problems, I don't always know exactly what to do. My instincts tell me to run away as fast as possible, but I don't and stay and try to help. I think I should listen to my instincts more. 

I could solve this problem by just talking about it here indirectly. 

Sometimes you get pulled into other people's lives more intensely than you would like. More than is comfortable for you. Before you know it, you are in over your head. That's when you need to think about yourself and your own sanity. Actually, you should have done that a couple of steps back. It's because you cared that you didn't.

Still, you need to extract yourself in the most graceful way without making it look like you don't care at all. You've got to stop playing the rescuing angel, the good Samaritan, and start taking on a more normal role. Or at least one that fits you more comfortably. Forget about normal because who's to say what normal is? 

Right, I've made up my mind then and I know what to do now. That's a load off my mind. I will make a phone call shortly and make myself clear. Tactfully. 

Have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Should haves...

I was supposed to have gone to bed a while ago, but then got caught up in changing the templates to my blogs. This got me so excited, that I'm wide awake again and now I have to settle down all over again. I'm having another glass of cold milk in the hope that it will work soothingly and make me sleepy like it usually does. 

Changing the templates was really a spur of the moment thing. I think I really didn't want to go back to bed and was looking for an excuse to stay up. I sometimes like a little bit of excitement in the middle of the night. I don't get very much of it anymore now that I've quit my tranquilizers, so I have to create some when I can. I do need my little highs every now and then. 

I'm starting to yawn, so there's hope yet. I will be able to sleep for a couple of hours before I have to get up. The fun and excitement will start at 9 am. 

Bed is never so enticing as when you've been up half the night and oh so difficult to get out of in the morning. I will have to set the alarm clock. It's got an irritating enough sound so I won't sleep through it, though I seem to remember that one time I was so stupefied that I did. It must have been because of the drugs. I'll blame everything on them. 

The cat and the dog have been very well behaved since I've been up, while they were so very irritating before that. I guess they don't like for me to sleep and prefer it if I keep watch over them. The dog's been spread out on the sofa and the cat's been sound asleep on the bed. Before that time they were bickering and keeping me awake. They are just like two ornery little kids. 

Since today is Monday, it's going to be one of those long days in which my time is not my own. I will be surrounded by other people. I only enjoy that up to a point. There's a limit to how much I can stand that. I do look forward already to the end of the afternoon when I will be on my own again. 

First I have to go back to bed. I'm not quite ready to, but I'm going to have to make the effort. I'll just force myself to go to bed and fall asleep. It will be a matter of willpower. It may possibly just be nice to get under the duvet and get warm and cozy.

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Unbound and untethered...

The great thing about being unburdened of a depression is that you don't dread the day to come. You can go to sleep at night in a fairly restful state of mind and know that the next day is not going to be one in which you will be fighting a battle with yourself and the elements around you. A battle which you are going to lose and which is going to cause you all sorts of stress. 

Relieved of my depression because of the regular use of tranquilizers, I now feel pretty secure at any time of the day and night. I don't worry anymore that I'm not going to be able to cope because I can look forward to a lot of peacefulness and the knowledge that I'll make it through the day fairly unscathed. 

The fact that I will be safe in my own company makes me feel very secure. I no longer have to try and escape from myself and my own thoughts and find my solace in sleep. My thoughts are very benign now and don't harm me. I no longer have them hanging over me like so many dark clouds. 

Speaking of dark clouds, we've had enough of those around lately. Yesterday we had nothing but and it rained every now and then. We don't need the rain, so it is completely superfluous and we could actually do with a week of sunshine and warm temperatures. There seem to be none in the forecast. 

When I visited my sister yesterday afternoon, I wore two layers of clothing and my jacket and a scarf. I had to ride my bike over there. There was a cold wind blowing and I had to ride into it going over there. Luckily, it did stay dry, but the sky looked threatening all afternoon. 

We did sit in the garden for a little while all bundled up and looked at what flowers were blooming now and which ones were all done. Some plants are thriving in all the rain, but others are not doing all that well. They seem to like drier conditions, but the ground is soaked.

The herbs are doing great and my sister uses them for cooking. She cooks Italian a lot and vegetarian and uses the herbs to give the dishes the extra flavor.

It was good to come home again and see the dog and sit in quiet solitude for a while in my armchair before I took him for a walk. I so very much appreciate the time on my own again. I only need a little bit of socializing, though I could not do without. I like it when other people do most of the talking and I do the listening because I don't have that much to say. I should always be around talkers. 

I did the last of my chores in the evening and stayed up as long as I could, although I wanted to go to bed much earlier. I didn't want to upset my schedule, but in a way I do every night. At least I'm steady about it. 

Now it's time to finish sleeping. I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. I only have the domestic help coming here this afternoon. That's more than enough. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

But for the title of this post....

No matter how malcontented I am during the day, I always feel so much better during the night. I think that maybe I should judge how well I'm doing only by taking my measure at night and not during the day when it could be anything from bad to worse. I'm most definitely not in a position to give a rational answer during the day. Whatever circumstances prevail then influence me for the worse.

I notice that I'm especially influenced by the company of other people and that their presence has a negative effect on me. Other people's company does not do me good, on the contrary. It wears me out and turns me into a pessimist. Usually I can't wait for them to be gone so I can be left in peace with my own simple thoughts. I don't like their intrusive presence and questions and fixated interest in me. I don't like how they try to fit my thoughts into boxes with labels.

Maybe I hang out with the wrong people, there's the distinct possibility of that. My personal helper is going to be two weeks off and I will see how well I do without her presence during that time. I'm looking forward to the emotional freedom. Maybe I'll disconnect from her after that. We are both at a point where we're wondering what her role in my life is anymore. It is possible that she is obsolete and that she's even become an obstacle. She gets too stuck in trying to rescue me when I don't want to be rescued.

I've got to write about something more cheerful than this. Be assured then that I'm enjoying this moment to the best of my ability. I've got my cups of coffee and my cigarettes and the quiet peacefulness of the night. All is not right with the world, but some things are. I can pretend to be in a timeless place where nothing is important and in the end, I will go back to bed to sleep some more, providing the coffee doesn't keep me awake.

Today, the Exfactor will be here to do the groceries, which is very good because I'm just about out of milk and you know what a disaster that is. I'm also out of vanilla pudding and have been for some time. I do miss it very much. It's the creamy smoothness that I miss so much. I could eat liters of the stuff. My gastric band prohibits it. 

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon. I don't know if I'll go there with any sort of expectations. A lot of it depends on what mood I'll find myself in. The appointment is at a time when I usually take a nap, so it will be a little rough to stay up. I think I have to work on my attitude and I will discuss that. I need a change of it. I need a positive kick in the pants. I can't wish to become better and wish to be dead at the same time. 

I think I'll go back to sleep now. I'm drinking the last of the milk and it's settling me down, I'm even yawning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day today.

Ciao,

Nora

Nothing but coffee...

It's in the middle of the night and nothing but this cup of coffee I just poured is going to set my head straight. It tastes good even though I used the ground coffee sparingly. I'm starting to run out and the Exfactor won't be here to do the groceries until tomorrow which is a day late. He didn't inform me of this until after he had gone to the store on Friday. I'm also almost out of milk so I have to be very frugal. I will miss my tall glasses of cold milk very much. 

The good part is that the laxative tea I drank this afternoon just worked and I unloaded a small dump truck full. What a relief to be finally able to go. I want to shout it from the rooftops and hang out the flag. That goes to show you what simple pleasures there can be in middle aged life. Such events take on enormous importance and can't be overrated. 

Yesterday I was in a grumpy mood. That may partly have been because I was woken up in the morning by my personal helper and never got the chance to properly come to my senses. She expected me to be immediately talkative, while I needed some peace and quiet and several cups of coffee. 

I do need the time to myself in the morning and can't immediately be sociable. It takes me a while to pull myself together and become a semblance of a human being. Quiet time first thing when I wake up is very important. Needless to say, I was not able to carry on a conversation in the state I found myself in and never did get my act together properly. 

After my personal helper left, the domestic help showed up and she wanted to be sociable as well. This caused me to have to be more friendly than I felt. I didn't feel sociable at all. I did my best, but finally withdrew to the bedroom where I fell sound asleep on the bed with the dog. Falling asleep is my reaction to stress. 

It makes me appreciate the time on my own all the more. If I could always choose when I saw people it wouldn't be as bad, but that's not always the case. They do come whether or not I'm ready for them. I'm not in charge of my agenda. 

Today I have a day off from social obligations. I have no appointments like I often do on Tuesdays. The day will be mine to spend as I wish. There will be no intrusions. 

I'm going to start by going back to bed and finishing sleeping for as long as I can. At least I know I won't be woken up prematurely. It will be a wonderful thing. I like only having to deal with the animals when I wake up. They are enough company for me. A few words and a few cuddles are all that they need. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Grumpiness...

I've been grumpy since yesterday and I haven't been able to get over it yet, but then at one point I really stopped trying. I decided to accept that I was grumpy after I had unsuccessfully tried to change my mood. I came to the realization that grumpiness is a natural state of mind too and that I didn't necessarily need to get over it. It wasn't really bothering me all that much. It was going to bother other people more than me and I decided not to worry about that. I didn't need to be in a good mood for somebody else, after all. 

Today I've patiently endured the company of the people who were here and I was as polite as I could be, but I was glad when the last one pulled the front door closed behind her and I could be alone. I'd rather sit here and be grumpy by myself than in the company of someone else. When other people are around you have to act friendly and polite, which you are not at all in the mood for being. I only feel like being kind to the dog and the cat and I guess for now that makes me a misanthrope. 

I have no idea when I'm going to get over this grumpiness. Since I've decided not to let it bother me, I'm not going to hold my breath. It will disappear whenever it's ready to. Whenever what's bothering me has cleared up. It's not so bad to go through life grumpy. It gives you a whole new perspective on things. It makes you more cynical and honest and those are not bad things to be nowadays. It's better than walking around with that eternally cheerful outlook like some kind of Pollyanna. 

I think a sense of guilt motivates us to want to try and get into a better mood, but I don't feel guilty. I don't feel that I owe somebody a better mood. Luckily, I don't have to share my space with anyone, so I'm off the hook. It would be harder if I lived with someone and had to explain my attitude. I would have to be rude to the person I lived with. Now I can be kind to the dog and the cat and not worry about anyone else. 

I must watch the news and find out what's happening in Libya. It will make me grumpier probably. And the Oscars, oh god, the Oscars... 

Ciao,

Nora

The end of the day...

It is really not officially the end of the day. It is already the middle of the night, but I'll act like it is the end of the day for me, because I haven't gone to bed yet, except for a short nap earlier today. I'm not ready to go to sleep yet, because just now, at this moment, I feel that I'm relaxed enough to enjoy the peace and quiet around me and that I can organize my thoughts and not be distracted by the busy world around me. It seems that everybody within hearing distance is asleep and so are the animals. Gandhi is asleep in my armchair and Tyke's asleep on the carpet beside my chair. They are a peaceful couple. 

For the sake of vanity, I wore the wrong earrings today and now I have a swollen and bleeding ear. It is my own fault, because I knew I was taking a chance. I didn't know what material those earrings where made of and apparently they weren't nickel free. I don't even remember how I got those earrings and I found them in my jewelry drawer. Of course, I wanted to look pretty and put them in. Now it's going to take my poor ear some time to recover, but it did put me in mind to go to the store and buy some earrings that have anti-allergenic hangers. With my new haircut I want some fun earrings and I know just the style I want to get. I know which store to go look in too. There's a good clothing store not too far away from here and they may just have what I'm looking for. It's just a five minute ride on my bike from here. 

Creative class went fine, except that I had to redo my sculpture, because the proportions were wrong. This was pointed out to me by the therapist who was watching me from a little distance. He very diplomatically told me, but I can handle that. I was more than willing to redo it rather than end up with a baked sculpture that was out of proportion and that I would be embarrassed about. I cut off the lower half and redid it and it did look better afterwards. It is tough making a sculpture on your own without an example and for the next one I´m using Henri Moore again. 

I think the other people think I´m a lady and that I´m not approachable. One even addressed me as Ma´am. They mistake my shyness for aloofness and think because I´m dressed well, I´m not one of them. And, of course, I don´t speak dialect. I did strike up a conversation with the gentleman across from me, but it petered out. He seemed very civilized, but I can´t seem to make contact. I´m going to try my best again on Wednesday. I can´t be having doubts about myself now. I have to act like I´m okay. 

I have to act like everything is okay in my life and only concentrate on the positive things, no matter how small and insignificant they are. Earrings, clothes, boots, the animals, drinking coffee. Especially the things I have some control over, like how I look. The minute I start losing control over that, I know I will be in trouble. I have to make the small things be alright and make them count. They have to be important to make me feel secure and in charge. That´s why I write about them so much. I don´t want to write about the things that are not alright. I think it´s better not to dwell on them. That´s the conclusion I have come to after some thought. So I will only write about these small insignificant things for a while. 

The colors of my outfit yesterday were red and gray, just like my interior. I felt very colorful and bright. I was dressed warm enough for the cold day and on the way home from creative class it rained just a little bit. I barely got wet and when I got home, I didn´t even have to dry off my hair with a towel. Tyke didn´t hear me come in, so I found out where he slept while I was gone. He was lying down in the rattan chair in my bedroom on top of my green scarf. I always suspected that he slept in the bedroom, but it´s kind of endearing that he slept on something that belonged to me. It´s got the smell of my perfume in it and that probably made him feel secure. 

I´ve got to go to bed. A person does have to get some sleep some time. It´s a small inconvenience. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora