Too early to sleep, I suppose...

I was all ready to go to bed and go to sleep because I thought the day was done, but apparently I was too early with my attempt and my body wasn't quite ready to shut down yet. I was lying there wide awake, thinking all sorts of interesting thoughts, but not at all going to sleep so I got up again. 

I will try again in a little while because it is my intention to get a good night's sleep. Now that my lungs are inhaling clean air, I do feel that I'm a healthier sleeper and that my nights are spent better in a sounder sleep. I'm not bothered by nicotine and tar and other poisons anymore and I imagine that my breathing has become more liberated and that it affects my sleep also.

Actually, I'm imagining all sorts of good things and in my mind's eye my body is going through a healing process that I think it may not possibly go through that quickly in real life. I don't know how fast a body recuperates after smoking for so many years at my rate. I'm optimistic, though, and I'm willing it to heal quickly. I'm imagining pink and healthy tissue where my lungs are. I do believe in the power of positive thinking. 

I will know what sort of shape I'm in when I next ride my bike. I was in pretty good shape, but I expect to have more endurance now and more power in my legs. I'll really know how well I do when I ride up an incline. Those are always the true tests. 

I'm in my pajamas and bathrobe with a glass of cold milk. I have a craving for a Big Mac and french fries, but I don't think I'll be having them any time soon. It would be impossible for me to finish them, but it's nice to wish for them and to pretend I could have them if I wanted to. A Quarter Pounder would be nice too. I haven't had anything like it in years.

It's time for me to go to bed. When I start to have cravings like that, it's time to call it a night. Otherwise I will sit here and torture myself with visions of food I can't eat. 

Ciao,

Nora

Unbound and untethered...

The great thing about being unburdened of a depression is that you don't dread the day to come. You can go to sleep at night in a fairly restful state of mind and know that the next day is not going to be one in which you will be fighting a battle with yourself and the elements around you. A battle which you are going to lose and which is going to cause you all sorts of stress. 

Relieved of my depression because of the regular use of tranquilizers, I now feel pretty secure at any time of the day and night. I don't worry anymore that I'm not going to be able to cope because I can look forward to a lot of peacefulness and the knowledge that I'll make it through the day fairly unscathed. 

The fact that I will be safe in my own company makes me feel very secure. I no longer have to try and escape from myself and my own thoughts and find my solace in sleep. My thoughts are very benign now and don't harm me. I no longer have them hanging over me like so many dark clouds. 

Speaking of dark clouds, we've had enough of those around lately. Yesterday we had nothing but and it rained every now and then. We don't need the rain, so it is completely superfluous and we could actually do with a week of sunshine and warm temperatures. There seem to be none in the forecast. 

When I visited my sister yesterday afternoon, I wore two layers of clothing and my jacket and a scarf. I had to ride my bike over there. There was a cold wind blowing and I had to ride into it going over there. Luckily, it did stay dry, but the sky looked threatening all afternoon. 

We did sit in the garden for a little while all bundled up and looked at what flowers were blooming now and which ones were all done. Some plants are thriving in all the rain, but others are not doing all that well. They seem to like drier conditions, but the ground is soaked.

The herbs are doing great and my sister uses them for cooking. She cooks Italian a lot and vegetarian and uses the herbs to give the dishes the extra flavor.

It was good to come home again and see the dog and sit in quiet solitude for a while in my armchair before I took him for a walk. I so very much appreciate the time on my own again. I only need a little bit of socializing, though I could not do without. I like it when other people do most of the talking and I do the listening because I don't have that much to say. I should always be around talkers. 

I did the last of my chores in the evening and stayed up as long as I could, although I wanted to go to bed much earlier. I didn't want to upset my schedule, but in a way I do every night. At least I'm steady about it. 

Now it's time to finish sleeping. I will take my medicines and go back to bed for a while. I only have the domestic help coming here this afternoon. That's more than enough. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Fake it until you make it...

I took two tranquilizers a while ago and I've been sitting here waiting for them to work before I got down to the business of writing a post. I want to write a good humored post and not one steeped in seriousness and sorrow. There's no need for that, but I did need to get rid of a little bit of stress. It's better to feel as relaxed as possible and I did have permission from my psychiatrist to use the tranquilizers as I needed them.

I'm sitting here in a dimly lighted living room. Outside it has just started to rain again like it has been on and off all day. Luckily, I managed to stay nearly dry when I had to go out in it. I only got sprinkled on a little bit. I did get a wet bottom from my bicycle seat, but that was the least of my worries. It dried in no time at all. That's what happens when your bike is parked outside during a rain shower and you have nothing to wipe your seat off with.

I've walked the dog and the wind was blowing hard. It wasn't a real pleasure to be out there. It would have been if I had been dressed warmer maybe. It feels like autumn outside. It's only 59F and it's August. It's as cold as it gets in San Francisco in the summertime.

Right, so I have seen my psychiatrist and it was a very tough visit. He said I was severely depressed. I exposed all the negative feelings imaginable and he showed the patience of a saint until I became more reasonable. He has increased my antidepressants, although I told him that I had no faith in them. He said that it was the only option available right now. We are not going to mess with other medication. It would upset my equilibrium, but I said it was already upset. Ha ha!

He is a tough cookie, this psychiatrist. He is as stubborn and all knowing as I am. He really does know his business. I'm at his mercy. When he says no, he means no.

All I can hope for is improvement and I know it takes time. I have to be patient and think long term and not take the short view. I have to act like everything is okay until it is. That means stepping outside myself and not dwelling on everything that's wrong. It means ignoring a lot of things. It's pretty much what I've been doing all along. I'm good at that. 

I've got to go and watch the news. There's lots going on in the world. Even I know that. You can't close your eyes to it. Much as I'd like to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday morning...

Well, it may already be morning and the birds may already have greeted the day, but that does not mean that I'm awake yet. I'm in an upright position and I'm writing this, but that's about where my alertness ends. I'm drinking my second cup of coffee and I hope to come to my senses soon. I'll try to make sense in the best possible way and write something coherent until the coffee kicks in. 

I went to bed after midnight because I stayed up and watched an episode of 'Wallander.' It intrigued me enough to want to stay up and finish watching it, although it was way past my bedtime. Besides, it was the Swedish one and I do love watching anything done in Swedish. It's the linguist in me that enjoys it so much. I always try to understand as much of it as I can. 

I watched this after I came home from the film I watched in the film house with my sister. That was only a partial success. It wasn't a very good film, but we had a nice outing. We had cappuccinos in the bar before and after the film and it was very cozy. The film house itself is a very nice place to be and fun to linger in. We got a schedule of the films coming up for the next couple of months and are going to pick out the other ones we want to go see together. There's lots of choice. 

We rode our bikes over there and the film house is downtown. I had not been there in forever, so it was about time that I made the trip, although nothing had changed, of course. Making the bike ride over there wasn't nearly as gruesome as I thought it was going to be and we were there in the shortest amount of time. I'm in good shape and can do it easily. It wasn't very warm out, but that was good weather for riding our bikes in. 

The coffee has kicked in and I am fully awake, much to my relief. I can think absolutely straight. I've got to think about what I'm going to do today besides watch the Tour de France. It will be on all afternoon and I do like to watch it for the scenery and to listen to the casual commentary. It's a nice way to spend the time. It's the tour of tours, after all.

Tonight the thriller 'Sebastian Bergman' will be on. It is another Swedish one. I will be able to practice the language more. At least it will be on at a decent enough time so I won't end up in bed too late. 

I do have to keep in mind that this is that last day of the weekend which is flying by quickly. I have to make the most of the day and spend it as pleasurable as I can. I do think that's what Sundays are for. Sundays are 'treat yourself well days.' 

Of course, I always treat myself well and there's not a day that goes by that I don't. I always try to make things as pleasant as possible for myself. For the most part I succeed, bar the things I don't have any control over. I count my blessings all the time and knock on wood regularly. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

The charm of the season...

Today it's supposed to be 34C with the occasional thunderstorm. It will feel like it is 98F. That's more than hot enough for me because it will be humid too. Tomorrow the temperatures will be normal again and it will rain. I'm kind of happy about that because I like cool weather. 

I have to go see my SPN at 1 pm today and I will have to ride my bike in the hot sun. I'm not looking forward to that and am expecting exercise induced asthma which I often get when the weather is hot. It's really not a disaster. More of an inconvenience. It makes riding my bike uphill more difficult. 

I haven't seen my SPN for 4 weeks and have done fine without her. That goes to show you that I manage quite well on my own. I'm not as dependent as I thought I was some time ago. It will be good to see her, but I don't have much to discuss. My life has been very uneventful. I choose to have it that way. 

Yesterday the Exfactor was here a day early to do the groceries. I had asked him to because I was out of milk and vanilla pudding and cat food. He was here at the same time my personal helper was and it created some diversion which was good. I don't always know what to do with my personal helper so it was good that someone else was here for a while. 

The domestic help was here in the afternoon and did a thorough job of cleaning the apartment. I laid down for my afternoon nap when she was almost finished, thus avoiding a long drawn out session with cups of coffee and cigarettes. But I was really tired too and needed to lie down. I was emotionally tired. Sometimes I think it takes a lot of effort to keep everything as normal as possible. 

The early birds have started to sing. It means I have to go back to bed for a while. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

I say the glass is half full, darn it...

After having been in a pessimistic and foul mood for more than 24 hours, I decided yesterday afternoon to take matters into my own hands and to will myself to be optimistic and good natured again. I couldn't stand the mood I was in and I could see that it was only hurting me and hindering my process at becoming a healthy and sane woman. That's not what I wanted out of life. I didn't want to be bitter and  p*ssed off angry. It just didn't become me and I felt highly uncomfortable with it.

I decided to make my peace with my psychiatrist (the person I was most angry with) and to find out exactly how he wanted me to use the new sleeping pills along with the old ones. I wrote him a long and friendly email asking that question for one and soon afterwards I got an answer from him. He explained how he wanted me to use the sleeping pills and it was all very clear to me down the the minutest detail and it sounded reasonable to me. I never had understood that and had not gotten it clear from the beginning. I had been too busy being angry and p*ssed off.

It's a policy that I can live with and I've agreed to give it an honest try, so last night I took the new sleeping pills along with the old ones and had a decent night's sleep. I really slept until I was done sleeping and I made sure of that by staying in bed as long as possible. I'm training myself to be a good sleeper. That's the whole purpose behind this exercise. Anyway...

I watched a very good episode of Inspector Linley last night. It was the one in which the new Helen died, which I thought  was incredibly sad because I liked her and it came so unexpected. I liked her much better than the old Helen and thought she was a real improvement. I had envisioned her being part of the series for a long time.

Now that I'm up and running, I'm going to take the dog for a long walk this morning. He does so enjoy them and it seems to take the rambunctiousness out of him. He is a young dog, after all, and needs his diversions. There's nothing better to him than exploring new territory and peeing against new trees and bushes. Or at least, seldom used trees and bushes. It's going to be another bright and beautiful day today and, although it's still cold outside now, it will be nice to be out there. I'll have to wear my scarf, though.

I'm expecting the Exfactor for coffee. He did the groceries earlier this week, bless his heart. I was almost out of everything, especially the milk. It's sad to look in the refrigerator at the end of a week after the shopping has been done. There's almost nothing in there and the cupboards are bare too. The Exfactor can only carry a week's worth of groceries on the bike and even that takes a lot of juggling and careful packing away in the bags. And well inflated tires for all the weight he carries. Which reminds me that I have to pump up my rear tire, it's a little low. I'm a star at pumping up tires, right!

I have to do chores today. I didn't do a thing yesterday, recuperating as I was from my bad mood. There's always some reason not to get your act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Whatever feels right...

I've slept enough and I feel that I'm ready to face the day. I don't feel any dread because today is Monday. I'm excited about it, as a matter of fact. Not that there is anything in particular to be excited about. Nothing special is going to happen, except that the sun is going to shine today, although it will be cold, but that's a small price to pay for sunshine. 

It's been so dreary lately that I'll more than welcome the sun. I've seen enough gray skies for a while, even if no rain falls out of them. Some rain would have been nice, there would have been a purpose to all the clouds that covered the sky, although it's a good thing that the wintry showers that were predicted for yesterday didn't materialize. Snow and rain would not have been welcome. It's a good thing that the predictions turn out wrong so often. 

I visited my sister yesterday and had two cappuccinos and two Italian cookies that made me burp even though I dunked them, which made them very easy to eat. It's very hard to indulge in something good. It's best done when on my own, but I never have cookies in the apartment, especially not Italian ones. It does make me eat very little of something sinful. I don't need to worry about gaining weight because I'm over indulging. 

It was cold on my bike and I wore a scarf and gloves. There was a cold wind blowing. I pedaled as quickly as I could to get out of the cold.  Luckily, because it was Sunday, there was not a lot of traffic and I could go fast and not worry about getting into an accident. I hardly hit the brakes. All that exercise is good for my knee and the more I use it, the less it hurts. It's when I sit and do nothing that it starts to bother me. 

My nephew had borrowed some English language novels from me to read for his English class and he had settled on Beloved from Toni Morrison, which I think is an excellent book to read. I hope he enjoys it as much as I did and that he gets a good grade on it. It was not the book that I thought he was going to choose. I thought it was going to be too difficult for him to read. I put it in the selection because I thought it was a challenge. He took me up on it.

Tyke was very happy to see me when I came home. He wagged his whole body and we had quite a welcoming ceremony. Poor Gandhi didn't stand a chance. She had to be greeted later when things had calmed down and she could sit on my lap. The animals aren't alone much because I'm not gone very often, so it's a big deal when I have been. They act like abandoned children. 

I think I will go do some chores. I didn't do much yesterday on account of it being Sunday. Things do accumulate. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forgetful time...

It's early in the morning and I'm brewing a cup of coffee. I just had a glass of cold milk, but now I need some caffeine. The milk has made me feel cold and I have to turn up the thermostat to get warm again. I had it turned down low for the night. 

It is raining outside and it looks like it has been all night because almost all of the snow and the ice are gone. The streets and the sidewalks are just about clear again, which is great. There will be no slipping and sliding when I go outside today. I will be able to walk Tyke again in the usual manner and that will be a great relief to both of us. We've been cooped up inside enough and are getting cabin fever. 

I'm sure I've never appreciated rain as much as I do now. I'll be able to ride my bike to the tobacco shop and that is a lot easier than having to walk there on the slippery sidewalks in this neighborhood. Riding my bike had been an impossibility and I don't know how the Exfactor managed it when he went to get my groceries. I suppose he is more fearless than I am and not afraid to fall and break something. Maybe his male hormones make him more brave or foolhardy. Either way, he got them done. 

Today he is coming over for a cup of coffee and the domestic help will be here as well, which means I have to clean up the apartment a bit. I always have to clean up the apartment before she comes. I have to put some order into it anyway, so it will be easy for her to clean it. 

And much to my surprise it is Friday again, which seems impossible. It means I have to prepare myself for the weekend and not have it be another unstructured waste of time. I can pretend I'm sick again and spend it in my bathrobe. It did have its appeal. It made me feel safe and cloistered, as if I was hibernating in a sheltered place.. 

I can also be more engaged and get dressed and take Tyke for regular walks and fill my days with more interesting activities, but then I do have to pull the wool over my own eyes and pretend I have those. I'll just watch a lot of television and act like that matters. There will be cultural programs on and lots of sports. I'll pretend to be engaged by them. I must care about something, recluse that I am. 

I'll find some comfortable clothes to wear that are also warm and I don't have to wear my hiking boots anymore. That's a relief anyway. I can wear another pair of boots. It will be a sport to stand in front of the closet and pick out the right outfit for the weekend. I'll opt for comfort more than anything. I'm in that kind of mood. 

So okay, the weekend will be about comfort and warmth and it's starting today. A day early, I'm cheating a bit. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

On succesfully being awake and living to tell about it.

Although I had a big mouth this morning about getting dressed and going out early to walk Tyke, I did no such thing, but went to bed instead and slept for 4 hours. The prospect of going out in the cold morning air wasn't all that appealing when I considered my warm and cozy bed and the sleepiness that suddenly started enfolding me. I decided to do the easiest thing first and get a few hours of sleep before I became an active and responsible dog owner. I set the alarm clock so I would not stay in bed too long and fell asleep almost instantly with Tyke by my side. I guess he was okay with the whole plan and he snuggled up quite cozily. 

When I got up, I made myself the obligatory coffee and smoked some cigarettes. Waking up wasn't too hard and I hardly had any cobwebs. I had two cups of coffee and I didn't feel discombobulated at all. Then Tyke and I got ready to walk to the tobacco shop with baggies in my pocket and my wallet in my purse. Tyke likes the walk there, because it allows him to explore some different territory and to pee against different trees and bushes and to hopefully find edible items when we pass the little shops. He is an equal opportunity eater because he eats from the fish monger and the Arab grocer. 

When we got to the tobacco shop, it was closed due to illness, so we had to turn around and go home again, because I could not take Tyke to the supermarket. I took a different route home, thinking that would be exciting for Tyke and I was not mistaken. There were many good trees that needed to be thoroughly sniffed and examined and very regularly there was something minuscule on the sidewalk that needed to be closely looked at and tasted. Tyke lies down and makes himself into a dead weight that refuses to budge and can't be moved without you looking like an animal abuser. So you stand and wait until he's done. I have to have patience. Luckily, I had little kids once and I've been well trained. 

I did chores when I got home, because my domestic help was coming and I do want to look like someone who cares and empties her ashtrays and folds her laundry. It was my very own Monday domestic help that was coming, so I was very happy about that. I picked up the place as much as I could without actually cleaning it and sorted out all the things that needed to be sorted. I even tackled the mail and it was all good mail. I was supposed to have done this yesterday, but I chickened out at the last moment. My excuse was that it was Sunday then and not a day to worry about bills.

I rode my bike to the supermarket in the afternoon, in the bright sunshine, in the somewhat chilly temperatures, and made copies of my passport and birth certificate for my daughter who is applying for a Dutch passport. We are in the preliminaries and many certified copies of documents will have to be sent. I also bought tobacco and filter tubes and managed to retrieve my bike out of the overfull bike rack without damaging it and without pulling a lot of other bikes out with it. It's the handlebars that get caught. It's like when you have a box full of clothes hangers and you want to pull one out and they all get caught in each other and you pull them all out.

I just took Tyke out for another walk and we went to the field. There was a little Yorkshire Terrier puppy running around and it was love at first sight. I've never seen such a thing. That puppy looked like he was attached to a rubber band and hopped up and down around Tyke quicker than a ping pong ball. Tyke was mesmerized. I think he would like a little puppy of his own. Oh, I mustn't even think about it.

I'm getting awfully tired and must think about going to bed. I haven't had that much sleep. It will be nice to lie in bed and read for a while and hopefully remember to hide my book from Tyke. 

Have a good night everyone. 

Ciao,
Nora