After midnight...

I had every intention of going to sleep at a reasonable time and went to bed after I watched the highlights of the football games that had been played this weekend. I have clean sheets on the bed, so I was looking forward to getting under the duvet. I was under it for about an hour in the pleasant company of the animals but I couldn't get to sleep, so I got up again and I have been sitting here ever since amusing myself with various activities behind the computer. 

I'm slightly loopy from my sleep medication but it's not too bad because I had some coffee to sober me up a bit. I will go back to bed again shortly because I think I'm slowly getting into the proper mood for it. I do want to sleep for a long enough time so I will wake up bright and chipper in the morning for the busy day that I have ahead of me. 

I've got my outfit picked out for tomorrow, so getting dressed will be no problem. All I have to do is reach into the closet and pull it out and I will be dressed in no time at all. My hair is in good shape, so running my fingers through it will be all that's required. That's the advantage of having had it newly cut. That's why it's so important that I don't let it get past that crucial state of becoming unmanageable. I have to go to the hairdresser before it starts to bother me. As if going to the hairdresser is such a horrible thing to do.

I'm almost out of perfumes and will have to invest in some new ones, unless I find myself a sugar daddy who will supply me with some. I don't think I'm the kind of woman who would settle for that sort of an arrangement, so that choice is out. I do have a very lovely scented deodorant that I also use as a body spray. I apply it generously and the whole bathroom smells like it afterwards. I use them up quite quickly but I do smell nice. 

A bottle of perfume doesn't last long. At least not the way I apply it. I find I get used to the scent and have to apply more of it in order to appreciate it and I see the amount dwindling quickly in the bottle. I try to get everything out of it that I can before I toss it out. 

Of course my sense of smell is impaired because I smoke, so I need a lot of whatever I use to be able to detect it. It is a bit of a problem. I can never be sure if I'm wearing enough or too much for other people's tastes.

I suppose I will go find my bed now and finally get the sleep I need.  I have to be sensible sometimes. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

On the success of not smoking...

I've had to keep myself entertained yesterday because I couldn't waste my time sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and numerous cigaerettes. That was onne of the methods I used to sit and contemplate my navel, but it is no longer possible since I quit smoking. I do still sit in my armchair on occasion but I don't contamplate my navel too much. I'm really not lost in thought as I dreamily peak through the clouds of smoke I exhale. 

I have to find other ways to fill my time now and it can be a bit of a problem because I'm an organized person and there really isn't that much to do. Yes, if I really think about it long and hard, I can think of chores to do that I've been putting off and that need my attention but they are not pressing matters. They are not shouting out at me to be done. 

I think what I'll do is take a trash bag and make a round through the apartment and just start filling the bag with obsolete items, be they big or small. I'll get rid of anything I'm doubtfull about and that includes the items that are in drawers and baskets that are sitting around. These are the catch all places in which things dispappear and then never see daylight again. 

It's almost 24 hours since I've quit smoking and it hasn't been difficult. Of course this is the third time I've quit and it is all so familiar to me. I really don't have much of a problem not lighting up a cigarette and very seldom feel that I have to. Sometimes I have a longing for one but the feeling is short lived. I just imagine myself inhaling smoke and how awful that really is and that helps me get over it. 

I aired out the apartment very well yesterday. I opened all the windows, and because it was windy outside, a good draft blew through. I don't smell the difference because no doubt my sense of smell is still impaired but I'll repeat the process today until I can be fairly sure that it smells good in here. I do have to spray the furniture with Febreze to get the smoky sell out of it.

It threatened to rain all day yesterday so I didn't hang any of my clothes outside to air on the clothes line. As it was, it didn't rain at all. I think I will just wash most of them in that good smelling washing powder and have that be good enough. There's still rain forecast for the next few days so I will dry them on the clothes rack in the bathroom. . 

I had an opportunity to smoke yesterday when I was at the hairdresser. I was offered a cup of coffee and a cigarette but I turned both down. I can't start making exceptions and I simply don't want to smoke anymore. I'm doing very well without it. 

I did get a good haircut and I'm happy with it. It's very easy to take care of hair and I should have gone in sooner. I thought it was barely time to have it cut but I was wrong. I could have gone a week ago or sooner. I was using way too much hairspray to keep my hairdo in place. 

Middle aged women do look better if they have decent haircuts. 

Ciao,

Irene

That's the end of that...

I've just emptied all the ashtrays and put them to soak in the kitchen sink. I've smoked my last cigarette and put a nicotine patch on. I'll have no shortage of nicotine and all I have to do now is get over the habit of lighting up a cigarette. But this is not the first time that I've quit smoking and I know I'll get over that. This is the third time that I'll try to quit and the third time has to be a charm. 

So I'm not worried about pouring myself another cup of coffee without having a cigaerette and in the morning I'll give the apartment a good airing out. I'll open up all the windows wide and let a good draft blow through. That ought to get rid of the smoky odor. I'll probably sit here and freeze my buns off but it's for a good cause. I'll have to wear extra warm clothes and that's no problem. 

I'm full of the best intentions anyway and feel no sense of panic at the thought that I can't smoke another cigarette now. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to. It makes my life much simpler not having to worry about it. I won't have to think about always having to carry all that paraphernalia with me and always having to look for an opportunity to smoke which makes it so compulsive. 

It's in the middle of the night and I've already slept a couple of hours. I woke up on my own and much to my surprise, the dog was sleeping on his big pillow beside the bed. That was just when I thought he never was going to. I was wondering why I had so much leg room in my bed but it was because he was not lying on it. I hope he continues to sleep on his pillow because it's really where he belongs. I did buy it especially for him and not for the cat to lie on periodically. 

I'm hoping to have a productive day ahead. I'm going to the hairdresser in the morning, and that will be fun, but I want to do some household chores too and not waste the day doing not much of anything like I did yesterday. 

Hopefully, it's not going to rain during the day and I'll be able to hang a lot of my clothes from the closet outside on the clothes line. That will give them a chance to air out so I won't have to wash all of them. There's enough of a breeze anyway and the air is very clean from all the rain we've had. It should be perfect.

I've got to change the bed because I'm in the mood for clean sheets. I want everything around me to be clean and fresh smelling. I want it to smell like it does outside, like a spring day after a refreshing shower and not like stale cigarette smoke. 

I will have a glass of milk and see what other kind of trouble I can get into.

Ciao,

Irene

Generally keeping out of trouble...

I've just gotten back from the hairdresser where I got a really decent haircut. It was done so well, that I was proud to walk down the street with it, but then I'm an incredibly vain person. I hardly ever have any doubts about my good looks when I come away from the hairdresser. That's because she fixes my hair perfectly with gel and the proper attention. I can never get it to look that way myself.

It was a joy as ever to be fussed over and to sit in that chair and watch the metamorphosis take place. My very own young woman cut my hair and I was very happy for it. I had not seen her in ages and everybody else and their sister had been cutting my hair. Nobody had done a bad job, but this girl did a great job. She's been cutting my hair for years and we were trying to remember today how long it had been.

Because today is such a warm day, I have all the windows open and there's a strong draft blowing through the apartment. It's making it smell good in here, except for in the hallway where the air does not stir because it's dead space. I'll have to take the can of Brise and spray like crazy over there. Actually, I think I have to take all the items on the coat rack and wash them or air them on the clothes line.

It's supposed to rain later and already the clouds have moved in, although the sun is still trying to shine. I hope it will rain because then I won't have to worry about having to water my sister's garden while she's in Italy. So, keep your fingers crossed.

I have just put a bunch of things from the coat rack in the washing machine and put the rest outside on hangers and hope the rain will stay away for a while. Everything is off the coat rack now except for my leather jackets. I very liberally sprayed the hallway with air freshener. I'm going to walk in there in a while to find out what it smells like. I may have to go out and walk in again.

I have designated one spot as my smoking spot. It is a rattan chair by the open kitchen window. It is the only place I am allowed to smoke and sparingly too. I can't go there every time the urge hits me because I'd be going there constantly. I want the whole apartment to be smoke free and to smell good. I want no ashes and residue to settle on the furniture.

It's started to rain very hard and I'm too late to bring in the coats that are hanging outside. They are hanging beneath the trees so they should be alright. At least they will smell good now. I'm assured of that.

I'm going to take my afternoon nap. It will be nice to listen to the rain come down.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora 

...and then it was morning.

I'm sitting here with my third cup of coffee and it tastes very good. Thankfully, the Exfactor did the groceries yesterday and the cupboards and the refrigerator are filled with food again and I have milk! I don't need to use powdered creamer in my coffee anymore. What a relief and therefor I'm enjoying every cup that I drink. 

I do know a good thing when I have it and I'm grateful for it, but I have to plan my milk consumption better. I have to not be so greedy at the start and save some for later. I run out the day before the groceries are done. If I'm careful, I should be able to make the milk last longer, but I love it so much. A glass of cold milk is one of the best treats of my day. 

I slept well and had an interesting dream in which I met a new man and I explained to him what it was like to be hypo-manic. As I did, the world around us changed into Technicolor shades of green and blue and yellow as if we were taking drugs and it was a surreal experience. Things were very beautiful and I guess that's the point I was trying to make. 

I told him to take me out of my environment so I would no longer be mad. It was my environment that was making me so. He was a very normal man, as normal as they come. He was almost unrecognizable to me because of it. I guess I only recognize crazy people, or people who come with an instruction booklet. 

Yesterday, as I sat in the hairdresser's chair in front of the mirror, I saw my scarred arms in the glaring light of the shop. It was very confrontational and I saw what other people see every day. My arms had gotten tanned and my scars were white. It looked very awful and I thought it was hard to go through life with arms looking like that. Luckily, I am normally not aware of them and don't pay attention to them and I don't think of what other people see.I think that's for the best. Oblivion is a good thing. 

I saw my SPN in the afternoon and she told me that she's going to be my SPN for only several more months. Her job is going to be moved to another city to which it will be impossible for me to commute. I have not yet reacted on a gut level to this news and have only taken it in as an abstract sort of knowledge. No doubt it will sink in later when I'm fully aware. I feel now that I have to detach myself from her emotionally and the sooner I start, the better.

I have to become more self sufficient  and self reliant. At least I'll still have my psychiatrist, although he's less good for the emotional issues. I'll have to have less of those and concentrate more on the practical matters. My SPN is going on vacation in the month of June, so I'll get ample opportunity to practice being self reliant then. 

The first birds have started to sing as it is now early in the morning. Sunrise won't be for another hour. It's supposed to be a pleasant and not too hot day today. I will interpret that in the best possible way and figure out which clothes to wear. I suppose I will start with layers and peel those off as the day progresses. 

Nobody is coming to the apartment today and I have no appointments. It will be a day to do chores and walk the dog as many times as possible. I hope the cat doesn't bring another mouse home like she did yesterday. That's turning into a bad habit of hers. The dog thinks it's great fun, but I don't think so. 

I hope you'll all have a great day, dressed in the clothes you like with the kind of weather you want. And if you're about to go to bed, sleep tight. 

Ciao,

Nora

My pesky dog...

It's in the very early hours of Saturday morning and my dog is being a pain in the neck. I don't know what he wants and so far I've given him a milk bone and a rawhide chewy but still he's not happy and keeps pestering me. He's already been out back, but it is possible that he needs to go there again. It will be with great reluctance that I get up and try that again. I never know how quickly I can get him back inside. Maybe I best ignore him. 

That's not at all how I wanted to start of this post. I wanted it to have a serene beginning and not a frustrated one. Now I feel that I have to start all over and get into the proper mood. It's hard when a pup is begging by your side for I know not what. I'll have to figure out a way to find my equilibrium and peacefulness in spite of him and hope he goes to lie down by my feet and falls asleep soon...he has just done that, so there is hope for me yet.

I do have to get up and get myself a cup of coffee because I'm thirsty and in need of some caffeine. I hope I don't upset the careful balance we've achieved. I've already had to make cigarettes and frustrated the dog because I wouldn't let him on the dining table. I didn't want him looking out the window in the middle of the night where he would see imaginary danger and start to bark. That's the last thing I wanted him to do. Yes, my dog comes with an instruction booklet too. It has to be applied on a daily basis. 

Since today is Saturday, it is my day off, but I do have to hang another load of laundry to dry outside. Yesterday's load  was dry in no time at all and I've got very clean smelling sheets and pillowcases. Today I'll be hanging up a load of clothes and it will be nice to have them smelling equally good. I have to take advantage of this weekend's weather to do as much laundry as I can, because on Monday it may rain, so I thought I'd dive into my closet and pull out some clothes to wash. 

We're having a bit of a heatwave this weekend and today the temperature is going to be 28C, which is unheard of for the time of year. I'm not complaining and in the apartment it is still relatively cool, especially the back of it where it will be nice to go lie down for a nap in the afternoon. I'm already looking forward to the day and can't wait for the warm sunshine to walk the dog in. As long as it doesn't get too hot, I'll be alright, if dressed appropriately. I'm sure I'll find something that's just right. 

I'm expecting the Exfactor in the morning who's going to bring me some cat food that I'm almost out of. I had forgotten to put it on the grocery list on Tuesday. The cat does eat a lot, although she doesn't get any fatter. She's a slim cat and dainty. She does beg by her bowl for food every day and will even eat dog food if I don't fill her bowl on time. That is, if the dog lets her because he can be quite moody about that. Some days he cares more than others. 

It's with some amount of relief that I'm going back to bed in a little while because I haven't slept enough yet. I'm yawning and looking forward to going back to bed for a few more hours of sleep. 

I've got to make an appointment with my hairdresser soon. My hair is out of control and I can't do a thing with it. It is too long. I'll call today, but I'm sure I won't be able to get in today. It will probably be sometime next week. You always quite suddenly have desperate hair from one day to the next. With me it happened yesterday. I washed it and it went flat and unmanageable. I look like a hillbilly. 

I'm off. I hope you'll all have a good Saturday no matter what your weather is like, but I wish you lots of sunshine. 

Ciao,

Nora

Back to normal...

It's early in the morning and I'm very pleasantly sitting here with my second cup of coffee by the light of the desk lamp and the computer monitor. I can take my time writing this, because I'm not going back to bed like I usually do. I have an appointment to see my hairdresser at 10 o'clock, so I will stay up. I will be too muddle headed if I go back to bed and try to get up on time the second time around. It would take numerous cups of coffee to get me into good enough shape and dressed and ready to go. 

I have been feeling good since yesterday afternoon and I can say with enough certainty that I'm back to normal. I reduced my anti-psychotics to the original dose, because the higher dose was making me feel moody and I'm in a much better frame of mind now. I suppose the higher dose was okay for a little while, but not to continue on. These things need to be carefully tuned. What works well one day doesn't work the next. My moods do change, after all. I don't stay euphoric or dysphoric for a long time. They are not endless cycles. 

The beginning of the day yesterday was only slightly pleasant, but it ended nicely as I started feeling better and Tyke got an extra walk when I got back to normal. That was a nice benefit for him and me. I did feel like being out there in the cold and breathing in the fresh evening air an extra time. 

I didn't get a heck of a lot accomplished, but I didn't worry about that. There wasn't that much to do that was pressing so I could take it easy. Today I will get caught up on whatever wasn't done yesterday. The laundry is dry and I can think about putting clean sheets on the bed again. 

Last night I stayed up and watched an Inspector Linley Mystery. I was very cozily sitting in my armchair with a blanket wrapped around me and Gandhi on my lap. I do love English detective series and stay up late especially to watch them, even if it is past my bedtime. I ate a bowl of yogurt, though it wasn't as satisfying an experience as it was when I was younger and the yogurt was so much thicker and creamier. Still, it was refreshing and filling enough.

I'm looking forward to getting my hair cut. It will be nice to have manageable hair again. The Exfactor is also going to be here today for a cup of coffee. That and going to the hairdresser will be pleasant breaks in the day.

I don't really have that much to say this morning. I thought I was full of words, but it turns out not to be the case. Well, that will have to do then. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

In the quiet moments...

I've slept a good long time this morning and took a while to wake up in my armchair with several cups of coffee. It was a pleasant time out. I petted Tyke and found my equilibrium. It wasn't actually too far away. 

I have a day off and not much on the program, which is fine with me, because I don't feel all that ambitious today. All I want to do is have my peace of mind and hold on to it as much as I can. I have it right now, so I'm in good shape and don't want to lose it. I'm going to prevent myself from doing anything to let it slip away.

The best thing to do, is do everything as calmly and quietly as possible without being in a rush. Every move has to be thought out as well as possible ahead of time. There's to be no stress in my day and I want to keep things simple and unhurried. 

I'll make it a nurturing day and pretend I am under the wool with a minor ailment. Actually, my knee is bothering me quite a bit, so I could use that as an excuse. I got up with it feeling quite sore and is hasn't gotten better yet.

I want to enjoy the day as much as I can, but do it in a very peaceful way without the least amount of stress. It's going to be a mental health day. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to have one of those and I think I am today. That's why I'm still in my bathrobe and I'm planning to be for a while. 

Wednesday is usually a day on which I don't have too many chores. Not too many dishes have accumulated and the laundry has been done. Things get busier again by Friday, but for now I have some time off. 

I'm going to the hairdresser tomorrow. Yesterday I realized that my hair was too long and unmanageable. That seems to happen from one day to the other. You realize that you're spraying too much hairspray on it to keep it in place. It's a mess in the morning when I get up out of bed. There's not much shape to it and it looks quite funny. Flattened on one side and sticking up on the other. I look frightful. 

The sun is coming out and it's about time. It does make the world a little more cheerful. Things have been gray and gloomy. We're supposed to have a wintry shower this afternoon, that's how cold it is, but after that, the temperatures are going to improve. Hopefully, spring will be in the air from that point forward. 

Tyke wants to go for a walk, so I need to get dressed. It will be good to get some fresh air. 

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Affectionately yours...

It's not so early in the morning for a change, because I actually managed to sleep a little later than usual. How I did this, I don't know. I'm surprised myself, but I do feel well rested now and I won't have to go back to bed to sleep some more. I won't have a chance for that anyway, because my Wednesday personal helper is going to be here this morning and I do have to be dressed and ready before she gets here. 

I'm having my coffee now and have just about used up the last of the milk. The Exfactor didn't make it over here yesterday to do the groceries because of the weather, but he will be here today instead. The conditions have grown somewhat milder and the snow is even melting a bit. 

I've had to make things last and was down to the last of the milk and out of juice and completely out of rawhide bones for Tyke, which he always gets at night when we go to bed. They keep him occupied and out of trouble. At least, they are supposed to. It doesn't always work. Sometimes he devours them in a hurry and has spare time left to go look for ways to entertain himself. 

Luckily, I had lemonade left, so when I was really thirsty, as I am so often, I could drink tall glasses of that, but I miss drinking cold milk and can't wait to have that in the refrigerator again. I have it set on the coldest temperature so the milk will be extra cold.

I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 2 kilos and am now just about the weight I'm supposed to be. I'm one kilo over, but I'm sure I'll lose that too. Especially now that I've cut back on the anti-psychotics, because that's the medication that makes you gain weight, no matter how well you watch what you eat. You can eat like a bird and still gain weight. It's very frustrating. 

I have to call the hairdresser today and make an appointment to get my hair cut. It's gotten completely unruly and only looks good when I've just washed it. It's about time that I go to the hairdresser. It's a treat I enjoy and I haven't been for a while. I've been short of money and had to wait for the right opportunity. It's presented itself now. It will be nice to have my hair cut into a decent style again. Something I can easily manage and that is back into shape in no time after I've washed it. You do have to maintain your short haircut. You can't neglect it. That's the one drawback of having short hair. 

I have to get dressed. It's time to get the day started. Several chores await me. It will be nice to get some things done before my personal helper gets here. I'm terribly thirsty and need to drink several glasses of ice cold lemonade before my thirst is quenched. Off I go. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

What have I done now?

I went back to bed this morning after I set up this blog and when I woke up, I thought, "Oh no, what have I done now?" Really, what possessed me to set up a completely new blog and to call it The Dueling Dutch Woman and to think that was a good idea? I felt as if I had gone temporarily mad during the night and had lost my marbles. What I felt more than anything was complete embarrassment at my impulsive deed, which had seemed like such a brilliant thing to do in the middle of the night. It seems that I am possessed sometimes and that I need to do great and unusual deeds that go beyond the 'normal' changes one would make.

The first thing I did when I got up was turn on the computer and have a look at the blog and I must say that it didn't look all that bad. It wasn't the horrible thing I had pictured it to be in my mind. The title didn't seem all that terrible and even appeared somewhat benign to me when I saw it at the top beside those tulips. I liked the template and thought it was a good choice, Maybe I could live with it and not die of embarrassment and maybe it wasn't such a horrible thing that I had done. 

Of course, I'm going to get all sorts of comments, but that comes with the territory and I have to be tough enough to take those. I got myself into this pickle and I have to live with that. I do intend to stick with it, no matter what my initial doubts are. I can't change my mind now and say, "Oops, I made a tiny error." That's not the way it works. I will write posts for this blog and hope that I will get followers. I'm stubborn enough to hang in there. 

The blog title refers to my bi-polarity. The two extremes of my moods and how they are often in conflict with each other. You mustn't imagine me having a duel of words with anyone. The only duel I have is with myself. The tulips on the template speak for themselves, because aren't tulips the very symbol of everything Dutch? 

I went and had my hair cut this afternoon. First I had to get some money out of the cash machine, but it would not give me any, saying I had insufficient funds. I knew that could not be right and I thought maybe someone had broken into my bank account and stolen all my money. I went home to check on my bank account, but all my money was still there, so I went to the hairdresser without any money. I thought they would let me pay later, because I'm such a good customer of theirs, but while I was waiting for it to be my turn, I called the Exfactor, who had arrived at my place in the meantime to trim the Golden Rain, and asked him if he could bring me some cash. So he showed up a while later with the money and stayed while I had my hair cut. 

I told the girl exactly how I wanted my hair cut and she got it exactly right. It's just the way I wanted it and it's cut so well that I don't have to mess with gel or wax or hairspray to get it to stay into place. It's probably the easiest hair I've ever had.It's not punky and spiky anymore and I don't have to worry about lying in bed and having it point in the wrong direction in the morning when I get up. I'll try to get a good picture of it and post it.

The Exfactor and I walked home and he stayed for coffee. He had trimmed quite a bit off the Golden Rain and I hope that my grumpy neighbor is happy now. He had been complaining about it for a while, but he always has something to complain about, because he is an old grumpy man with nothing better to do. That's why it was such a bother that the Exfactor kept on not showing up. 

I think I may be slightly hypomanic now, because I feel the urge to do great deeds, but the tranquilizers will be good for that condition also. Hopefully they will calm me down enough so I will not do anything too crazy. Starting a new blog is crazy enough. 

I will take Tyke for a walk. It is not raining now. As a matter of fact, the sun is temporarily shining and I have to take advantage of that.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

A complete change of scenery and mind...

This is what I really wanted. A completely new blog with a new web address and a new template and absolutely no archives and followers as yet. It is as if I'm starting over again from scratch and it feels like a new beginning. That doesn't mean that I don't want followers, au contraire, I want as many as I can get. But I don't want all those followers I had who never came by to read me and whose presence on my follower's list was a mystery to me. I knew who my faithful readers were and I'm counting on them to become my trusty followers again. I'm not fooled by numbers that looked good on my blog. They are pretty meaningless if just a few people read you.

So, this is a new adventure and I'm more than ready for it. I will be patient and hope that people find me and read me. I hope that I can be entertaining enough for a large amount of people, but if it turns into a little group, that's okay too. As long as I get to have my say on a regular basis and get some feedback. It's always harder to speak into an empty space with no returning voices. 

As I write this, it's raining hard outside and it has been for a while. It's supposed to rain for the next couple of days, but I don't mind. It's the weekend and the only place I have to go, beside walk Tyke, is the hairdresser and I can walk there under my umbrella. It's just a few minutes away from my apartment. I'm looking forward very much to going and getting pampered and even though I've just washed my hair, I'll have it washed again and get a head massage. There's nothing better than that.

I slept well, but got up early. I find it impossible to stay in bed until a decent time in the morning. I have yet to sleep until dawn. In a way it is okay, because I am at my most productive at these early hours. I'm not distracted by life around me and get a lot of things done behind the computer. As you are now aware of. I do find all sorts of mischief to get into. Although it's true that sometimes I'm brighter and more daring than at other times.

I have to go look at templates and see if I'm really happy with the one I've got now. I didn't look at many. I just looked for tulips and came up with this one. Maybe there's a better one out there. 

Have a good morning,

Ciao,
Nora