After midnight...

I had every intention of going to sleep at a reasonable time and went to bed after I watched the highlights of the football games that had been played this weekend. I have clean sheets on the bed, so I was looking forward to getting under the duvet. I was under it for about an hour in the pleasant company of the animals but I couldn't get to sleep, so I got up again and I have been sitting here ever since amusing myself with various activities behind the computer. 

I'm slightly loopy from my sleep medication but it's not too bad because I had some coffee to sober me up a bit. I will go back to bed again shortly because I think I'm slowly getting into the proper mood for it. I do want to sleep for a long enough time so I will wake up bright and chipper in the morning for the busy day that I have ahead of me. 

I've got my outfit picked out for tomorrow, so getting dressed will be no problem. All I have to do is reach into the closet and pull it out and I will be dressed in no time at all. My hair is in good shape, so running my fingers through it will be all that's required. That's the advantage of having had it newly cut. That's why it's so important that I don't let it get past that crucial state of becoming unmanageable. I have to go to the hairdresser before it starts to bother me. As if going to the hairdresser is such a horrible thing to do.

I'm almost out of perfumes and will have to invest in some new ones, unless I find myself a sugar daddy who will supply me with some. I don't think I'm the kind of woman who would settle for that sort of an arrangement, so that choice is out. I do have a very lovely scented deodorant that I also use as a body spray. I apply it generously and the whole bathroom smells like it afterwards. I use them up quite quickly but I do smell nice. 

A bottle of perfume doesn't last long. At least not the way I apply it. I find I get used to the scent and have to apply more of it in order to appreciate it and I see the amount dwindling quickly in the bottle. I try to get everything out of it that I can before I toss it out. 

Of course my sense of smell is impaired because I smoke, so I need a lot of whatever I use to be able to detect it. It is a bit of a problem. I can never be sure if I'm wearing enough or too much for other people's tastes.

I suppose I will go find my bed now and finally get the sleep I need.  I have to be sensible sometimes. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Before I take a nap...

I don't even know if I'm going to take a nap yet. It may be one way to get through a seemingly long and boring afternoon. I've already had a busy morning and there's nothing on the program for the rest of the day. I did get up early this morning before the sun had even gotten up properly. It was good to get an early start and walk the dog first thing once I was awake good and well. 

It was very cold this morning having gotten down to freezing during the night. Even in my winter coat I was not warm enough. There's a blustery wind blowing from the south, which is at least warmer than one blowing from the north. As usual, I can't get warm enough and am chilled down to my bones. I'm drinking hot coffee to get a little warmer but it hardly seems to help. I'm probably not carrying enough fat.

The Exfactor showed up first and was a welcome sight. I actually didn't need that many groceries but it was good to see his friendly face. He told me all about his long and cold weekend and his adventures on his motorcycle and all I could think was that I was glad that I wasn't on the back of it. I prefer comfort and warmth. Like sitting in a cozy car with the heater turned on. 

I made a short shopping list and asked him to be on the look out for a coffeemaker because I'm starting to long for real cups of coffee now. The Exfactor is usually in and out so many stores during the week that he is bound to run into one. The groceries were quickly done but I do have to eat one of the Greek yoghurts soon because the Exfactor accidentally poked his finger through the lid of one of them. That will be my mission for today then. 

My personal helper showed up next and we had a good time chatting about everything under the sun. She tells me many things she's not supposed to tell me and I have a good time listening to all her stories. Sometimes I fall out of my chair in amazement. I laugh at the ridiculousness of management and the silliness of bureaucracy. You wouldn't believe how bad it gets. I tell her that sometimes it sounds like she's in a very badly directed film. 

I've walked the dog for the second time and picked up the apartment. I have no laundry to do and no dishes to wash. I can't think of a thing to do. I've washed my hair and got it to look properly tousled again which was a bit of a job because it was so squeaky clean. I did have to put a lot of hairspray on it but now even this blustery wind can't destroy it. The only thing that would is a hurricane and I don't think we're about to have one. 

I've changed my clothes because I was too cold and because what I was wearing was tight and made my stomach stick out too much. I looked like I was several months pregnant and I'm too old for that. I can't get away with it. I'm wearing something a little more forgiving now. I have to remember to get more tops like this. I can't go around constantly holding in my stomach. I'm bound to forget and look silly. 

I've got to look for something to keep me occupied. How does a middle aged woman stay out of trouble? I can think of ways to get into trouble but they may not all be socially acceptable. 

Ciao,

Irene

Neither here nor there...

The afternoon has come to a close and the church bells are ringing in the evening. They do so jubilantly and I hope they keep ringing for a while. It does sound awfully cheerful. I've just come in from the cold after walking the dog and I'm glad I am inside again. It's just a little bit too chilly to enjoy being outside much, even when warmly dressed. Even so, I'm having a glass of cold milk to quench my thirst. I will not forego that. 

It hasn't been a terribly exciting day, but then it didn't have to be. It's okay to have a low key day once in a while, as long as it doesn't become a habit. I did see my therapist this afternoon and she makes me feel uncomfortable enough so that I feel like crawling back into my shell again. She always has these great ideas for me to do and I feel that I have to go along with them even when my heart is not totally in them. 

I saw my psychiatrist there too and he agreed that I could take two tranquilizers during the day to set me at ease a little bit. I explained to him that free floating anxiety settled in as neck problems and headaches and stomachaches and that the tranquilizers relieved some of that. I think he did see that I made complete sense and was not abusing the privilege. I don't pop pills just for the hell of it. He just wanted to make sure. 

My therapist wanted to make sure that I was no longer hypo-manic and I could assure her that I was not, although it took some convincing because I can say I'm not when I actually am. She asked me if I'd like to be and my answer to that was: absolutely not. I find it too much of a bother and too exhausting. I'd rather be the way I am now, which is of medium mood, neither up nor down but nicely in between. 

I've got my hair messy and ran my fingers through it until it was jumbled up enough and then applied hairspray to it. My hair does not reflect my state of mind. When I got up out of bed this morning, it was tousled and I liked the way it looked and decided to stick with it. It's the perfect length for it. I hope that I look like I want to be kissed but hope that nobody actually will. It would surprise me a great deal. 

I've had Greek yoghurt to eat and raspberry drink yoghurt to drink. That's satisfied my stomach pretty well. It didn't protest too badly. I love the Greek yoghurt and really have to ration the portions or I would eat it all at once. I think it's the best invention since the wheel and the Greeks need to be saved from financial ruin just because of their yoghurt, although I'm sure their cuisine has more to offer than that.

I've done the laundry with a new washing powder and it has a delicious smell. It is drying on the rack in the bathroom now and I can smell it all the way here in the living room. That's exactly the kind of washing powder I was looking for. It's the little things in life that make it worth living. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Just make some coffee, woman!

Not too long ago, I was in a terrible mood. It felt like the world was coming to an end. I got up from my nap and felt devastated. I was literally in a number one depression and didn't know how to get out of it. I sat in my armchair with a glass of milk and just felt awful. I wondered what in the world had happened during my nap that I felt this way and why my day had suddenly ended up like that. 

Of course, what I didn't do was make a pot of coffee because that would have lifted my spirits soon enough. I was in such bad shape that it didn't dawn on me until a few hours later after I had suffered quite a bit. For some reason it actually did get through to me at one point to make a pot and once I did have a cup of coffee, I startted to feel a lot better. By the time I had my second cup, I was my usual cheerful self and all was well with the world. 

That just goes to show you what a benevolent chemical caffeine is for me and how I can't do without it at certain times of the day. I would still be in bad shape if it weren't for those cups of coffee. I might be contemplating all sorts of things now that I don't even want to think of. Thank god I did have the caffeine and that I was smart enough to make the coffee because I was almost in too much of a stupor to do that. I was saved by my instincts that finally kicked in.

The weather has been horrible today. It has been storming with a terrible strong wind blowing rain and hail sideways and thunder and lightening on top of that. I've been outside as little as I could and the dog has had to go out back mostly. The weather is very unpredictable and it does clear up for a few minutes at the time, only to suddenly become horrid again the next. Hopefully, this will all clear up by tomorrow, but I'm not sure if the rain will stop. 

I'm very comfortably seated here early in the evening and I'm glad the day is done. I feel that I'm just now coming to life. It was sort of a wasted day. I think the storm unsettled me and I didn't like the way the wind hit the rain against the windows. It's now temporarily quiet outside and it is very enjoyable. I've just turned on the heater and it's nice and warm in here. 

I very much like my new skinny jeans. They are very comfortable and they fit well and have enough stretch in them to allow easy movement. I certainly got the size right and will know from now on which ones to get. This brand is very good and relatively inexpensive. It's also nice to be able to order them online.and have them delivered the next day. I must also have a very easy size because the length of the legs is just right. It's nice when you can count on that.

The style that I've got my hair combed in now is much better than how I had it before. I can sleep on this hair and wake up looking decent. I hardly have to do anything to it to get it in shape and I don't have to use so much hairspray.. I've got it parted on the other side and it covers my thin spot better. That's my secret., by the way. Don't tell anyone. My hair looks fuller and is more manageable. I never tried this before, but wish I had. It's a real discovery. It's going to be so much easier to let it grow out now. 

I didn't wear any make up today and that's against my own rules. I didn't feel like getting all gussied up. For some reason, I liked myself well enough without it. Besides, I didn't go anywhere today. Putting on mascara is the hardest because of the low volume of eyelashes that I have left. They used to be thick and long, but as I've gotten older, they've gotten thinner and shorter. I think this is very unfortunate and one of the drawbacks of middle age. There ought to be a law against this sort of thing.

I hope you'll all have a good evening and better weather than we're having. 

Ciao,

Nora

In from the cold...

I'm sitting here warming myself with a cup of hot coffee after having just walked the dog in the cool evening air. It wasn't actually all that cold and all I had on was my short leather jacket and a scarf. That's pushing my luck just a little bit, but I refuse to put on my winter coat unless I absolutely have to. I'll put it off until the last possible minute. Call me stubborn if you have to. I refuse to own up to the fact that it's almost winter. As long as there's no snow, I'll pretend it isn't. I'm in fact in total denial. 

The sun was shining this afternoon after the day started of dreary and drizly. As long as the sun shines, I'm full of hope. All around the bits of clouds I saw lots of blue sky. It hasn't actually rained all that much either. Not as much as was predicted, so we got off easy. The farmers needed the rain and nature did too, but for us ordinary human beings it was nice. It's especially nice not to get rained on when you're out on your bike. It's tough to dress for the rain and the cold.

My hairdo appreciates no rain also because I've got it just right now. I don't have to use an overabundance of hairspray on it and it stays in place real well all day even if there's wind outside. I know, I'm so self centered to think of it. It's true, I'm a very self absorbed woman.

My carefully applied nail polish has already chipped on three nails and I thought that nail polish was much tougher than that. There must be some that can withstand the test of time or how else is a woman supposed to look decent for any length of time? I'll have to fix them tonight because now I look ridiculous. It does take an effort to look beautiful. Nobody ever said it was easy. You do have to have the odd spare hour to put into it. 

Sometimes, when my mind gets into that space, I get very preoccupied with my looks and I can get very absorbed with my clothes and make up. They take on very important roles in my life. Luckily, I do have the time and energy, as a rule, to spend on them. I don't mind giving them the extra mental energy that they require. It's fun to think about fixing myself up to look pretty for even the least amount of audience. Because, really, how many people see me? I mostly have to do it for my own sake. 

The coffee tastes excellent and is putting me in a good frame of mind. I don't know if it's just the coffee or the fact that it's Friday evening and that it's the weekend. I must say, that despite everything I claim, I still like the weekends the best, although why this is so is a mystery to me. I'll leave that unanalyzed and unexplained. Not everything in life needs to be figured out. 

I'm going to put clean sheets on my bed in a little while so I can look forward to going to sleep tonight. That sounds as if I ever have a problem with that. Of course, I don't. Going to bed and sleeping is one of my favorite things to do and I never think that I will not sleep when I go to lie down under the duvet. It's staying asleep that I have a problem with, but then I do amuse myself when I'm up. In my own convoluted way I do end up getting enough sleep. That's the main concern. I haven't turned into a zombie yet. 

I better get the show on the road. I've got a few things to do and the news to watch also. I must be well informed because we face turbulent times in Europe.

I hope you all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Time out from the rat race...

I'm only joking...I'm not in any sort of a rat race and haven't been since I left my well off middle class life when I had to keep up with the rest of the yuppies. I haven't felt that kind of pressure since then and hope to never feel it again. It's much better to be at the bottom of the ladder. At least I'm not striving to reach impossible heights. Closer to the bottom, you don't have so far to fall. It doesn't hurt as much. 

No, today has been a fairly leisurely day and I have not felt any specific stress. The only thing that was wrong with it was that I tried to take a nap in the afternoon but was unsuccessful. That doesn't happen very often and it surprised me because I really tried. I'm usually a master at taking naps. I can do it easily every day. It's true that the bedroom was cold because of the open window, but the duvet was warm and that should have been good enough. 

When I realized that I wasn't going to fall asleep, I went to the bathroom and started cleaning out both of my make up bags. I had not looked inside of them for quite a while because I had stopped using any kind of make up. Between the two bags, I found all sorts of neat things that I didn't know I had and I was much surprised. Some of it, or should I say a lot, was good stuff that I could use. All I had to do was have a change of attitude and be girlie again. In other works: decorate myself a little.

I found three lipsticks, but one of them was dried out and I threw it away. Now I'm trying out the other two to see which one stays on the best. They are both good colors, so either one will be okay. 

I still had a large tube of mascara and it was still in great shape. I applied that and found out I still had eyelashes to apply it to. 

I had numerous eyeliner pencils in various shades and lengths and I got rid of the old and short ones and kept those that still looked like they were going to draw a good line in a nice color that I liked. I applied eyeliner to my eyes and looked a lot better quickly.

I also found the nail polish of which I only have one bottle. I decided to really take my time and apply two layers of polish to my nails patiently and let it dry properly between each layer. It took me an hour to do both hands because I waited a while after I did each hand. I smoked a cigarette while I waited for those nails to dry. The polish is on properly now and it hasn't chipped off yet or gotten damaged in any other way. 

Between the mascara and eyeliner and the nail polish and lipstick, I look like a proper woman and you could say that a metamorphosis has taken place. It does look good and I'm pleased enough. Luckily, my hair was in place so I didn't have to mess with it and I'm wearing nice enough clothes too. I'm as picture perfect as I can get. 

I have also decided to let my hair grow and will just keep getting the back cut even until the rest of my hair has caught up with it. I don't know how long this is going to take. My hair used to grow quickly, but I don't know how it is now. I always imagine that it does, but I don't actually go to the hairdresser as often as I thought I did. Between drinking as much milk as I do and taking the multi-vitamins, I'll have to assume I'm doing all I can to have healthy hair. 

So, suddenly I have the wish to be more feminine again. I want to wear make up and use beauty products and have longer hair. I want to celebrate my femaleness. I hope I stay in this state of mind for a long time because I find it very pleasant and an extra reflection of another side of me. That side had been a little neglected. It is now getting some attention and I can only welcome it. I'll treasure it all I can. 

Now I've got to take the dog out for a walk. It's that time of the evening again. 

Ciao,

Nora

Full steam ahead...

It's a very blustery day today. There's a stiff breeze blowing and if it weren't for the hairspray, I would have no hairdo left to speak of. Of course, it's a short haircut, so it stays in place better, but it would have been blown to pieces if I had left it to the whims of the wind. As it is, I still look very decent after having walked the dog and I hardly have to put a hair back in place. 

I've got all the windows open at the top and there's a strong draft blowing through the apartment. It's not cold in here, that's a blessing. I don't have to worry about the temperature yet. The weatherman refused to say if it was going to be a very cold winter this coming season. I think he didn't want to prematurely worry us and spoil our fun. We all think that cold winter is coming anyway.

I've been wearing my winter coat and enjoying it a lot. It's warm and comfortable and the big pockets are very handy. It's just about the best coat I've had in a long time. I just hope it's warm enough for whatever big freeze we're in for. I will have to get ready to wear layers. I'm mentally preparing myself for anything at all. 

I've also been wearing my skinny jeans a lot. It turns out that they are the most comfortable pieces of clothing that I have. I never thought I would find so. I was very hooked on wearing skirts and dresses and wore those a lot. Skinny jeans do indeed make you feel skinny. They make you feel like you have long legs that go all the way up to your shoulders. It's nice to live under that illusion. 

After having been feisty for about a week, the dog has settled down again and is quite a bit more mellow. At least he's leaving the cat in peace and isn't bothering her anymore. He really was bossing her around. The cat is really relaxed about it and acts like she doesn't care. She finds a safe haven on my lap if the dog gets out of hand too much. She doesn't flee the apartment like you'd think she would. She has lots of patience.

To supplement my diet, I've started taking vitamin B-complex, Calcium with Magnesium and Kelp tablets. It's easy to remember to take them because I take them at the same time I do my medicines. They all go down the hatch easily. This is all in effort to be a healthier person and I think I will notice somewhere down the line if it works. I have to be faithful to the regiment and to the diet I'm going to be following which will include lots of fruits and vegetables. 

Speaking of diet, I've got to eat now. My stomach is growling. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

Laughing matters...

This is going to be an attempt at not taking myself so seriously, but I honestly don't know if I'm capable of it. It seems to me that I try to weigh off the amount of humor against the amount of graveness very carefully, but that I get bogged down in the latter very often. That is my perception anyway. It may be a skewed point of view, but that's how I see it. 

It's in the middle of the night and I'm having my inevitable cups coffee. I'm still waiting for them to wake me up properly and to put some pizazz into my writing. If they're not going to soon, I'm switching to cold milk. I want to get a little high out of the caffeine and if I'm not getting that, there's no point in drinking them. I'm still yawning and may have gotten up when I shouldn't have. 

I very easily could have continued sleeping after I went to the toilet, but I had to be stubborn and stay up. I have to be fully awake by 7 am because I have an appointment at 8:50 am. I have to go see the woman at my GP's practice who's going to help me quit smoking. That doesn't leave me much time to get any extra sleep and at noontime I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. It does pay to be alert by that time. 

I woke up with my short hair sticking up all over the place. I look like a stick figure that a child drew. That's the one drawback about having short hair. It does look funny when you've slept on it. I'll have to wash it every day to get it to look nice. That's no real hardship, of course. It's in place and dry in no time at all.

I have to go back to bed for a while. I feel that my whole body needs it. I'll have to set the alarm clock and hope I make it up on time. I'm going to set it for 8 o'clock. That should give me enough time to get my act together. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Forget me quicklies...

I have yet to pick out a book from the bookcase that will grab my attention long enough for me to start reading it and finish it. I'm thinking about choosing the thriller by Mankell because his books usually fascinated me the most in the past. I'm a little bit worried that I'll start reading it and lose interest somewhere one third through it as I have with every book that I've tried to read lately.

I must make a decision, though, and choose one because now I'm not reading at all and I see it as an intellectual waste of time. My mind is not being challenged and that is not good. I waste it watching dumb programs on television instead and that is mind numbing. There's no excuse for it, except that I am mentally lazy. It will lead to early dementia at this rate. 

Just to make sure I don't change my mind, I've already put the book on my sidebar. Now I'll be forced to read it. That will be something I'll do later this night then, while I wait to get sleepy again. It will be one way to keep me out of trouble. I will sit in my armchair and read until the birds start to chirp before dawn. Then I will be off to bed to get my beauty sleep. Hopefully, I will have dealt with one gruesome murder by that time. 

*

My hair is squeaky clean and it's got a dent in it from me laying on it. I'll have to wash it again to get rid of the dent or look lopsided.  It's possible that if I'm up long enough, it will settle back down again. I keep pushing the hair in place. Maybe that will work. Where there's a dent, there's a bump and the one thing will have to be replaced by the other. It's the drawback of having squeaky clean and very fine hair. 

I'm sitting here in my pajamas, at least, what functions as my pajamas. I've got on an oversized T-shirt that is from when I was a lot heavier. Two of me could just about fit in it now. It slides off my shoulders continually making it look like I'm trying to be sexy. Yes really, all on my own. These T-shirts are very comfortable to sleep in, but they are huge. I can't believe I used to be that big. I pretend that was a completely different person in a completely different era and that it has nothing to do with me now. 

I did just now have to put on my bathrobe because I got a bit chilly. It still cools off during the night even though the daytimes are nice and warm. I do have the bedroom windows open. This all in effort to air out the place. My bathrobe is equally big on me and very comfortable. I fit in it time and a half. I washed it often enough, but it didn't really shrink. 

*

I had my two obligatory cups of coffee and didn't even finish the second one. Apparently I was not really in need of it. I feel surprisingly awake without it and don't have any cobwebs in my mind. I've switched to a glass of cold milk and very nice it tastes too. I'm thinking very clearly without being overly optimistic and I think I have both feet firmly planted on the ground. This is not a night for hypo-mania. I'm as cool as a cucumber and I don't mean the temperature. 

I suppose I will now start reading my book. I'm not nearly ready to go back to bed. I'm not sleepy yet and can stay up for a while longer. I hope you're all enjoying your night. Sunday is coming up and it will be a day of rest and we must enjoy that. I'm sure some of you will be occupied with all sorts of chores, though. 

Ciao,

Nora

How long will it last?

I'm somewhat sleepy headed as I sit here with my first cup of coffee in the middle of the night and I've been yawning nonstop. No doubt another cup of coffee will fix me right up and I will be perky in no time at all. I wish to be perky and not sit here so muddleheaded and in danger of dislocating my jaw every time I yawn. Besides, I do want to be able to make some sense as I write this and not look like a completely misguided woman. I always want to come across as totally sane and sensible. 

Oh yes, I forgot that I had stated that I wanted to be completely honest at all times and that I would show my less positive aspects also. So I don't have to be perfect. I can be muddleheaded and misguided. I'll be it for just a while then until the coffee starts to work. When the caffeine kicks in, I'll be right on track again. 

I'm sitting here with my short hair totally sticking out all over the place. It looks like I've been in a bad storm and it has gotten stuck that way. No amount of brushing will get it in place again. I will have to wash it with a good shampoo to get it to look decent again. I don't know what I do in bed to get it to look that way, but apparently I rub it the wrong way. It's not even static electricity that makes it look like this. I do this all by myself. 

Those are the lesser side effects of having short hair. You very quickly look like a porcupine.

I'm having my second cup of coffee and the yawning is lessening. I do think I'm becoming more clearheaded. Any minute now I'm going to break out in a song and dance routine. 

Well no, I don't think it will be as bad as that. I'm not known for quite that much exuberance. It would cost me an awful lot of effort. It would probably knock the wind right out of me. I don't think I will ever do a tap dance and I can only sing in the shower. 

I almost forgot to be happy that today is Saturday. Isn't that wonderful? I have most of my chores done and the day to myself. It really and truly will be a weekend day to enjoy as I please and as far as I know, the weather is going to be decent also. We're supposed to have sunshine all day. 

In a way, that's not so good because we ought to have some rain to replenish the rivers and canals and groundwater supply. We do officially have a drought now, so we don't hope for a long hot summer. On the contrary, we wish for rain. The dikes along the rivers and the canals are drying out and that may cause a break and a flood and some of them are now artificially kept wet. The Netherlands are not a wet country anymore.

It's with some amount of anticipation that I look forward to going back to bed. It will be nice to lie in the semi dark and listen to the radio before I drift off to sleep again. 

It will be equally nice to choose which clothes I'm going to wear today. I'm still looking for that unfindable cardigan. I have yet to figure out what I've done with it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day. I'm planning on having a very nice one. God forbid anything should stop me from having it. 

Ciao,

Nora

When you don't know any better...

Yesterday evening I watched inane television. Since it was Saturday evening, it was the only kind of television to watch. It is not thought that intelligent people watch television on a Saturday evening. It is expected that they are all otherwise engaged. Apparently only dull and desperate people watch television on Saturday evenings.

It was one way to pass the evening and I pretended to care very much and be interested. I watched it while I slowly ate my dinner in stages. That takes me a while and is a good distraction. I also played with the dog and petted the cat who decided to come lie on my lap. I do have other things to keep me occupied while I try not to get too disgusted by what is offered for my entertainment. 

The other option is turning the television off, but that is too silent and then I wouldn't have anything to be exasperated with. Luckily, there are only commercials in between the programs, otherwise they would drive me crazy too. There are very few amusing ones and some of them make me want to throw a brick through the screen. Fortunately, I don't have a brick handy. 

Some of them are an insult to my intelligence. But you can walk away from them until the next program starts and go to the toilet or be otherwise engaged. At one point, I just turned the darn thing off and went to bed and listened to the radio instead, which was broadcasting a football game between Milan and Rome. Some days you can't win. Luckily, I was tired enough to fall sleep quickly, so I was spared most of that.

The only reason I was tired enough was because I had taken my 'fall asleep medicines' and once those stopped working, I was awake again. As I became conscious, I was writing a blog post in my mind, the gist of which I don't remember now. That's how much it occupies my mind in the middle of the night. I compose blog posts as I wake up. Beethoven must have composed music in his sleep. I assume he had pen and paper handy. 

I forgot to call the hairdresser yesterday to make an appointment while it was really necessary that I do. Now I'll have to wait until Tuesday because they are closed on Monday. I have a terrible head of hair that needs a lot of hairspray to keep it in place. The dog leaves the bathroom when I apply it and waits in the hallway. He doesn't do that when I apply my deodorant. Of course, I don't use copious amounts then. 

The cat escaped into the stairwell yesterday and stayed away for half an hour. Finally she showed up at the front door again where she waited patiently until I opened it. She does once in a while look for an opportunity to make her escape. I don't know what she does in the stairwell but she always goes way to the top. I refuse to chase her and always rightly guess that she'll show up again. Every once in a while she escapes though the outside door, but she just walks around the block end enters the apartment through the cat flap in the back door as if it is no problem. Luckily, she is a bright cat. 

The dog doesn't know what to do with himself when the cat has escaped. He thinks it's weird and misses her because he knows she's gone through the front door. He keeps going there to see if she's not back yet. Then when I let her in, he pretends that he won't let her and tries to push her out again as if he's not happy with her company. God forbid she should not show up one day. He'd miss her badly.

It's with some amount of reluctance that I bring this to an end. I don't want to make this too long and I have to think about going to bed. I am yawning, so maybe I'll be asleep again in no time. There's always the radio to listen to. I'm sure there will be no football games on now. 

We're still expecting some rain today and it will be most welcome, I just hope there will be enough to really make a difference. A really good shower should do. 

Have a good morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's officially Saturday again...

Having gone to bed early last night, I'm up early this morning too and drinking coffee and having myself a splendid time. I can't get enough of the early morning hours when everything is so peaceable and serene and I am the only person awake on the block. At least I assume I am. I thought I heard some noise in the stairwell earlier, but all is quiet now. No doubt that was a neighbor coming home from a late night out. The bars don't close until the wee hours of the morning and there are those stubborn enough to take advantage of that. 

I slept well between clean sheets with both the animals on the bed. This does not leave that much room for me, but I manage. I do wake up with a sore knee, but I would regardless. It always takes me a while to get over it after I've gotten up and it takes some time to get comfortable. I think Tyke lies in waiting for me to open my eyes, because he is always looking at me when I do and ready to be greeted. Gandhi is tucked in beside my pillows and looks like a little ball of fur.She doesn't get up when we do, but keeps right on sleeping. 

The first thing I do when I walk into the living room is turn on the computer and then walk into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I try to measure the ground coffee properly into the filter so that I don't make it too strong and I succeeded today. It is just right and I was not too generous like I have a tendency to be. I very often over optimistically put in too much ground coffee and make it much too strong taking away from the good flavor of it. Strong coffee does wake me up, but it makes me thirsty too, causing me to have to drink cold milk for the quenching of it. 

When I first wake up, I always have visions of many good things to eat, but those disappear into the background once I've had my first cup of coffee. I could raid the cupboards when I first get up. I want to eat all sorts of decadent things, but I don't have those in the apartment anyway. Imagine if I had a box of cookies or bonbons. No doubt I would be tempted to eat those. I would be tempted to stuff my mouth with them before I had time to properly think about it. I do have a jar of Nutella and in a weak moment I have spoons full of that. Little teaspoons full. It's one of my deadly sins.

Since today is Saturday, it's going to be a day of freedom. I will walk Tyke several times and hang up a load of laundry, but I don't have much else to do. There are no 'ought to's' in my life today. There will be sports on television and then some inane programs that are not worth watching. Luckily there is an off button. The best thing to do is to sit down and read a book, which I have not taken the time to do and today would be the perfect opportunity. My armchair is a good place to hang out in. I will also take the necessary naps on the sofa and contemplate my navel. 

It's going to rain today and that will be a perfect opportunity to hibernate. I will have the lights turned on in the living room and be cozy. I do like the rain when I'm inside. There something very soothing about the rain when you're not in it. Besides, even if I were in it, it wouldn't hurt me very much, because I have indestructible hair. If it got wet, all I'd have to do is rub it quickly with a towel and it would be in shape again. It's not going to be very cold and we're in for some mild weather. I think winter is really over now.

Enjoying my own company is what it's going to be all about this weekend. Luckily, I'm in a good enough mood to do that. I don't feel any of the discomfort that I felt last week when I was not so stable. I've managed to get on an even keel since then. I'm okay again by myself.

I will go back to bed again shortly. There's lots of time to sleep still. I don't have to get the day started early. I can sleep late and my warm bed does call me. I've started to yawn and that is a sure sign that I need some more sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Time to start the day...

My eyes weren't working at all when I turned on the computer this morning and I had to almost immediately put on my glasses. It was some relief to be able to read again. I guess some mornings it takes your eyes a little longer to wake up. I rubbed them hard enough at first to try and get the sleep out of them, but that didn't work. I suppose morning exercises don't work for your eyes. 

Now I'm sitting here quite contentedly with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. The newspaper delivery person has just been by on his noisy scooter, disturbing the peace and quiet of the early morning. I'll pretend I didn't hear that and will rediscover my equilibrium. I mustn't let something like that upset the start of the day. 

My hair is almost completely in place this morning, except that it is sticking up funnily at one side of my head. It's where I slept on it. It will be easy to remedy. All I have to do is get it wet and rub it dry with a towel and it will be in place again. I will jump in the shower to do that and get squeaky clean.

That will give me the opportunity to choose some other clothes to wear, because I'm in the mood for something different. I always forget that I still have lots of things to choose from. There aren't only the clothes that have gotten too big on me. There are lots of other things that are made of stretch material and have elastic waist bands that still fit.

I ordered some new lingerie, including some pretty colored bras instead of just plain black or white ones. I plan to clean out my underwear drawer and throw out everything that doesn't fit me anymore or that is worn out. I also want to go to the discount store that's close by here and see what sort of interesting things they have on sale there. And I need socks.

I think I'm awake, but there's some doubt in my mind. I'm going to try and stay up and get the day started, but I still feel sleepy. I think it's because of the medicines I took an hour ago. I may have to go back to bed for a while. 

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

At first do no harm...

I've had several cups of coffee and I feel sufficiently awake, but then I was the moment I opened up my eyes. Tyke was sitting pretty beside my bed looking at me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I have no idea how long he had been sitting there. He wagged his tail when I looked at him. I petted him and he was happy. Then he went to sleep in the armchair while I made coffee. I guess he just anticipated that I would wake up soon. It's become such a ritual.

I'm not grumpy, because I didn't take the Valerian tablets and yesterday I felt good all day. It really did make a difference. Now, you are able to buy these tablets over the counter and unsuspecting people may do that and have a similar reaction as I did and not know what is happening to them. Buying over the counter medicines is not as innocent as it seems, because it can have all sorts of side effects. I would be very careful using them and really only take them on the advice of a doctor. Even then I would be very wary. 

I finally got a sport's gel for my knee and that is helping the joint pain quite a bit. I apply it twice a day in a thin layer that I rub in real well. I do feel relief for quite a while afterwards, although the pain doesn't completely disappear. It does feel better when I get up out of bed. Sleeping seems to be the most hurtful thing for my knee, but so does sitting down. When I straighten out my leg, it gets stuck and goes snap. I will keep applying the sport's gel until it gets better.

Every morning, my freshly washed hair is in a disarray. I sleep on my right side and that side of my hair gets kinky. No matter how much brushing I do, I can't get it to lie down in a proper shape. It really needs to be washed every day for it to look good. It's so fine and unmanageable. It's very straight too and it doesn't have much bounce. I would love to have some body and volume to my hair but I am not that lucky. I think I need to use a creme rinse and will have to invest in a bottle and see if that makes a difference. I will have to go to the drugstore and see what's available to match the shampoo I'm using.

I had changed the bed yesterday and last night I slept under freshly laundered sheets. They smelt very good when I got in bed, That truly is a pleasure. I especially like the newly washed pillow cases. It didn't take me long to fall sleep. I listened to the football outcomes of the different games that had been played. I'm really starting to enjoy that and am getting to know the players of the different clubs better. There had also been speed skating races and one of our women had done well. Those are the commentaries I went to sleep with.

I ate a whole piece of Port Salut cheese last night. It's a very soft and tasty cheese and it goes down easy. The Exfactor had bought it for me because he knows how much I like it. It's a special treat. It's really the kind of cheese you serve at parties with crackers, but I ate it just as it was. It's a young cheese and easy to digest. An aged cheese is harder for me to handle. I've stopped eating Brie and Camembert. I had those so often that I grew tired of them. I do go through phases that I like certain kinds of foods and eat them until I'm sick of them. 

I just went through a period that I liked vanilla pudding very much, but I'm coming to the end of that and I think I will switch to yogurt now. Just plain yogurt without a flavor. I also feel like drinking buttermilk. That's very thirst quenching because of it's sour taste. I've always liked it and I make mean buttermilk pancakes, though I doubt I will be making them. I wouldn't have enough room in my stomach for them. I'm totally over my like for Cup A Soups after having eaten those a lot. They're too salty anyway and not all that nutritious. 

I'm still taking my vitamin pill every day and it's not hard to remember to do this. All I have to think about is the fact that I want to stay healthy and I reach for that bottle quick enough. At one point, I want to have my blood checked for a vitamin or mineral deficiency, but I want to do that after I've been taking the vitamins for a while.

I'm going to get a glass of cold milk and find another way to amuse myself that's not too damaging. My psychiatrist said to let him know if I was not sleeping well enough. I will see him on Tuesday and I will know by that time how well I am doing. Right now I'm wide awake, but I don't know what will happen the rest of the day. I haven't had much sleep yet, but I may catch up on that. 

Have a great day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Gently falling snow...

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee while outside it is still snowing. It has been since forever, but it is very fine snow now and accumulates slowly. Still, there's quite a bit of it out there and it looks wonderful and white and pristine. No one has walked in it yet and there are no tire tracks. It's too early in the morning for that. Every once in a while, I go to the window and push the shade aside and look outside to take it all in. I seem to especially like this round of snowfall. It fits the upcoming holidays, doesn't it? A white Christmas is something special. 

I woke up very happily with a head of short hair and ran my fingers through it. Every hair was in place and that pleased me very much. I must remember to go to the hairdresser on time, because obviously it makes me very happy. There's nothing better than waking up with a decent hairdo. The only thing that bothers me is the terribly itchy skin that I have on my scalp. I scratch it subconsciously and make it worse. There must be a good solution for it.

Today I have a day off, The domestic help isn't coming, because she is sick and there is no replacement. I didn't want a complete stranger in the apartment and they couldn't tell me who was going to come instead, so I begged off. I don't mind if just for once there isn't anyone here. It gives me a little break. 

The Exfactor is going to try and be here in spite of the weather. He'll probably not make it on his motorcycle, but will take the train instead. The buses aren't driving. All services are canceled and the police are only coming out for emergencies. It's even a question if the trains will run. 

I do hope the Exfactor will make it, because he will bring the spare mobile phone that he's got  to replace the one that Tyke demolished and that's left me incommunicado. I feel very primitive without a phone, but at least I'm able to email when I want to reach someone. It's just a little bit slower if they're not behind their computer at that moment. 

I have to go to the tobacco shop to buy supplies and also buy a new cigarette case, because I'm using old cigarette packages now and they fall apart after a while. Besides, I can never get enough cigarettes in them and I'm always running out. They have nice sturdy cases at the tobacco shop and I will pick one out in a pleasant color. It will be an accessory, so it has to look good. I don't want to go around with ratty looking cigarette packages anymore.  I do have to show more class than that. 

I want to go wash my hair with the blond lightening shampoo. I think the girl at the hairdresser's didn't use it this time. It does make a difference with how well your hair looks and it brightens it up just a bit. It's early in the morning still and I have lots of time to do all sorts of things. I can dawdle for a while before I have to get the show on the road and get serious about anything.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee or two or three...

I've been in a stupor all day, unable to function even at the lowest level. I was seriously concerned about myself as I laid down for the umpteenth time on the sofa for a nap. What was wrong with me? Was I getting sick? 

Finally I made myself a pot of coffee, not expecting much, but some improvement anyway. I had my first cup and man, did I get improvement! It was like I had taken the elixir of life. Suddenly I was able to function again and my whole mood perked up. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: a metamorphosis took place. I was a pathetic bit of human being before I had the coffee and I'm not anymore now. All it took was one cup of coffee and I'm having my second one now. Hoping for more improvement, no doubt. 

All I have to do now is get out of my bathrobe and into some clothes and not forget that I have to drink coffee in the morning. That it's absolutely crucial that I do. I have to get into some clothes, though, and finally walk Tyke who has only been out back so far. He's been very patient with me and slept while I slept and has not gotten into any sort of trouble.

Both Gandhi and he were very hungry when I woke up the last time. I asked Tyke if he wanted to eat and Gandhi started to meow very pathetically. Tyke got worried and started to shove her out of the way. Gandhi jumped on the kitchen counter and waited for her share of the can of dog food. When she was done eating before Tyke, he defended his bowl very bravely from any advances she made toward it. She finally gave up and went outside, doubtlessly to give herself a good wash. 

It has stopped raining and the sun is barely visible through the clouds. It peeks through every once in a while. It is starting to be the end of the afternoon and the sun is moving towards the horizon, behind the row of houses opposite me. I've wasted a large part of the day sleeping and I now have to make up for it. I have to do a few chores before I call the day quits. I'm kind of late with it, but better late than never. 

I'm not going to worry about which clothes I'm going to put on at this point. I'll just wear whatever is warm. It's 43F outside, so no time to worry about fashion. I do have my cute earrings in, so my face will look nice, although my hair is kind of messed up, but I will comb it into a halfway decent style. If you lay on your hair a lot, it does get squashed down into a funny shape. 

Okay, I have to get going. The coffee was great and so was sitting here for a while. The great outdoors calls. Ha, I wish it did with majestic mountains and alpine meadows. Wouldn't we have fun? 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

So what else is up?

I changed my profile picture because after I cut my my hair, it looks more like that now than it looked like the former. I also think I look younger in it, so my deed was not without second intentions. If I find any pictures in which I look younger still, I'll probably post one of them. I'll have you believe I'm a young middle aged woman yet instead of this aged one. I'll slowly creep back in time and undergo a metamorphosis.

I have hurricane proof hair and it's so hard and spiky that I can poke your eye out. That's just a temporary condition to get it to sit in place this morning. I used hairspray on it when it was still wet and now it's like it's cemented. I have to brush it to get the dangerous elements out and soften it up again. It will definitely stay in place now, there's no danger of even one hair going in the wrong direction or lying down too flat.

I was awakened to the irritating sound of the alarm clock at 8:30. That meant it had been going off for some time, because I had set it for 8 o'clock. I only had slept for two and a half hours, because I had been up the whole night. Somehow I managed to get out of bed and make myself some coffee and drink it quickly so I would come to my senses in the shortest amount of time. I had another cup as fast as I could and I recovered from my stupor in a hurry while I also smoked some cigarettes. All I had to do was get dressed and hop on my bike to go to the clinic to see my psychiatrist. I had one hour and ten minutes to pull myself together before I had to leave. That was enough time to ponder all the bigger questions in life and get dressed.

I had developed a theory about my not being able to sleep during the night and it had to do with a subject that I don't like to think about, let alone discuss on this blog. I always thought that I woke up around 2 am because my sleeping pill was done working and that I wanted to be up because it was the most peaceful time for me to be awake. The fact that I went to bed at 6 am and slept well for a couple of hours, I blamed on the fact that I was trying to postpone the day and all the pressures of it. Until I really tried to sleep through the night and found that such an awful experience and had those awful nightmares.

The theory has to do with the murder of my mother, which to this day is the most shocking and traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. My whole life long I had a fear that one day my father would kill my mother. I had this fear since I was a small child and thought I could prevent it from happening. I thought I had the necessary psychological skills and bravery to prevent it. This fear never left me and just before my father actually killed my mother, I felt the fear very strongly.

My father prowled around the house at night very quietly. Some people had said to my mother that she should put a lock on her bedroom door, but for some reason she never did this. I don't know why not. I don't know why she thought she was safe in her sleep when she was in fact at her most vulnerable. My father killed her in the early morning hours, very brutally, with a hammer and a knife. He then smoked a cigarette in the bathroom and after that very calmly called the police and told them what he had done.

I discussed this theory about why I'm not able to sleep during the night with my psychiatrist and he thinks it is very likely that this is the cause of my sleepless nights and that it is something that needs to be worked on very seriously, especially since my dreams take on such gruesome forms.Which goes to show you that some things get easier with time and some things get worse. It all depends on how you've dealt with them.

I made a new appointment and my psychiatrist said that he would inform my SPN whom I have an appointment with on Tuesday. He said that considering the circumstances and the fact that I had been rapid cycling, which was his diagnosis, he would not change anything in my medication, as that might bring about the onset of another bout of it.

Writing about this subject makes me very uncomfortable and I feel that I need to move on to something else as quickly as possible. It's like dragging old skeletons out of the closet without getting anyone's permission, but I'm afraid that it's stuck in my head now and I don't know what else to write about. It makes me infinitely sad and I can push that away as I usually do, but it will just put me back into the same position. I am planning on going to sleep at a normal time tonight and I will see what happens. Maybe a little bit of knowledge goes a long way.

I am tired in a really good exhausted way. I feel like I've done a lot of work and am at the end of it, while I'm really only at the beginning.

Have a good night, everyone. 

Ciao,
Nora

Amazing grace...

Much to my amazement, I managed to sleep for eight hours when I went to bed after writing my post last night. It was an incredible thing and when I did wake up, I did so because I had to and not because I was really done sleeping. I could have stayed in bed longer and slept some more. My personal helper could not make it on Friday and her regular replacement was going to be here this morning instead. I got up just in time to have two cups of coffee and several cigarettes and welcomed her in my bathrobe. See, I seem to be making a habit out of that. I know no shame.

That was alright, though, because one of the deals is that she sees to it that I take care of myself well personally and taking a shower regularly is one of those things. I´m more motivated when I know somebody is keeping track if I do that with any regularity, though I´m a very clean and good smelling person and am never actually dirty. I don´t perspire a lot and use a good deodorant. I´ve told you about the ordeal it is to take a shower in my apartment with the gaping shower curtain and the wet bathroom floor and all the wet towels.

So we had a cup of coffee together and I took a shower and washed my hair, which was sticking up despite the good haircut, and I had such nice and squeaky clean hair afterwards, it was a joy. It fell into place all by itself and hardly needed any combing and was dry in no time. I put on some very nice and comfortable clothes and applied no make up, because I´ve decided that it makes no difference whatsoever and that it´s all nonsense and that I don´t have the patience for it. I did put in my earrings and thought I looked good enough. I was a reborn woman and had on a new deodorant that smelled fantastic.

We took Tyke for a walk and he was his normal enthusiastic self, running from one end of the sidewalk to the other and having to lift his leg on every bush and hedge. He´s not very well disciplined on the leash and I give him all the space he needs. I figure it´s his outing and he has to enjoy it. He´s like a little kid completely lost in his own thoughts and activities. If I lived out in the countryside, I would let him off the leash. I would have him neutered first, though. He´s a little bit macho.

After my personal helper left, the Exfactor arrived and had a few cups of coffee with me and made a big deal out of a tiny little cold that he might be getting. Lots of people are walking around with colds right now and I´ve had several in my apartment and haven´t gotten sick yet. The Exfactor likes to be made a big deal of when he is a little bit stuffed up and goes into great detail about his symptoms and his inability to do things. Maybe he´s just a typical man. They do like to be fussed over. I had a huge amount of snot in my nose this morning, but just got a tissue and got rid of it.

After he left, I was enormously tired and laid down on the sofa and took a huge nap. It could have been emotional tiredness in reaction to the Exfactor. Maybe he has that effect on me. When I woke up, I had a cup of coffee and felt halfway normal soon enough again. I took Tyke for a walk and he got on the scent of something and dragged me through the neighborhood at high speed. We were done quickly with our walk. He´s a strong dog for an American cocker spaniel. He looks little but he´s got a lot of muscle power.

Overall it´s been a good day. I do have my low moments, but I make myself a cup of coffee and get over them. My moods are always precarious things and can be very momentary and change quickly, so I know very often I just have to out wait them and not panic and despair. The only things I don´t seem to be able to do right now is read and I miss that. I can´t concentrate on a book and I´m right in the middle of one. I´m too distracted to pay attention. My mind wanders.

I have to take Tyke for his last walk. He´s waiting impatiently. I wonder if it will be another high speed chase. I hope we can do it leisurely this time.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora